Style Guide
Man Into Woman (American Edition)
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EINAR WEGENEREinar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener; died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931 (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter) ABOUT 1920 Frontispiece
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MAN INTO WOMAN
An Authentic Record of a Change of Sex
The true story of the miraculous transformation of the Danish painter Einar Wegener (Andreas Sparre)
Edited by NIELS HOYERNiels Hoyer (historical), pseudonym of Ernst Harthern, who composed and edited Man into Woman
Translated from the German by H. J. STENNINGH J Stenning (historical), translator of the English-language editions
Introduction by NORMAN HAIRENorman Haire (1892-1952), an Australian-born physician and prominent sexologist who lived and worked in London, Ch.M., M.B.
With 18 Illustrations
NEW YORK
E.P. DUTTON & CO, INC.
Man Into Woman, Copyright, 1933, By E. P. Dutton & Co., Inc.:: All Rights Reserved: Printed in U.S.A.
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List of Illustrations
Page v
INTRODUCTION
To the reader unfamiliar with the unhappy byways of sexual pathology, the story told in this book must seem incredibly fantastic. Incredible as it may seem, it is true. Or, rather, the facts are true, though I think there is room for differences of opinion about the interpretation of the facts.
There would seem to be no doubt about the following points. A well-known Danish painterEinar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener;
died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931, whose identity is
shrouded in this book under the name of Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, was born in the 'eighties of the last century. At about
the age of twenty he married, and was sufficiently normal both psychologically
and physically to be able to fulfil his functions as a husband. Some years later
a purely fortuitous happening led him to dress up as a woman, and the disguise
was so successful that he followed it by dressing up as a woman on several
occasions, on each of which those who were in the secret were surprised at his
apparent femininity. In fun, one of his friendsAnna Larssen (1875-1955), a Danish actress, friend of the Wegeners dubbed him, when disguised as a woman, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931. Gradually he began to feel a change taking place
in himself. He began to feel that "LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931" was a
real individual, who shared the same body as his male self— AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter. The second personality, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, became more and more important, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter became convinced that he was a sort of
twin being, part male and part
[Page vi]
female in the one body. He began to
suffer from disturbances every month in the shape of bleedings from the nose and
elsewhere, which he came to regard as representative of menstruation, and he
sought the help of many doctors, who, however, were unable to relieve him.
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He began to study books on sexual pathology and gradually came to the conclusion that although his external organs were those of a male, and quite normal (though perhaps rather undeveloped), yet his body contained in it the internal sexual organs of a female in addition.
Some of the doctors to whom he went thought him neurotic, some thought him homosexual; but he himself denied the truth of both these diagnoses. One doctor treated him with X-rays, and later on AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter attributed the shrunken state of the female sexual organs which were found in his abdomen to the destructive effect of this X-ray treatment.
Gradually the female personality, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, took on such importance that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter felt that, unless in some way his male self could be made to give place to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, he could not go on living. By this time he was in his forties, and his failure to find any doctor who could help him to realize his desire to become a woman led him to the project of suicide if nothing should happen within the next year.
Just as things seemed at their worst he met a famous German doctor from DresdenKurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist who performed all but the first
of four surgeries on Lili Elvenes; director of the Women’s Clinic in Dresden (Staatliche
Frauenklinik) from 1925 to 1948,
who agreed that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter was probably an
intermediate sexual type, furnished, by some sport of nature, with both male and
female gonads. He explained that
[Page vii]
there were probably rudimentary ovaries in AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter' abdomen, but that these were unable to
develop properly because of the inhibiting influence of the testicles which
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter also possessed.
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He proposed that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter should go to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany, where certain investigations were to be undertaken. If these investigations confirmed his suppositions he promised to remove AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' male organs and transplant into him ovaries from a young woman, which would, as the work of the SteinachEugen Steinach (1861–1944), an Austrian physician who pioneered gonadal transplants and early theorized the existence of hormones school had shown, activate the rudimentary ovaries lying dormant in AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' abdomen.
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter went to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. The investigations confirmed the German doctorKurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist who performed all but the first of four surgeries on Lili Elvenes; director of the Women’s Clinic in Dresden (Staatliche Frauenklinik) from 1925 to 1948's theory, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter embarked on a series of operations. The first one was castration. His testicles were removed. A few months later he went to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany, where his penis was also removed, his abdomen was opened, and the presence of rudimentary ovaries was established, and at the same time ovarian tissue from a healthy young woman of twenty-six was transplanted into him. A little later he underwent another operation, the nature of which is not explained, though it had something to do with the insertion of a canula.
By this time he felt himself to be entirely a woman. The Danish authorities issued him a new passport as a female in the name of Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, and the King of DenmarkKing (fictional), modeled on Christian X, the King of Denmark from 1912 to 1947 declared his marriage null and void. With his consent, and indeed at his suggestion, his former wifeGerda Maria Frederikke Gottlieb Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator; married to Einar Wegener married a mutual friendFernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband of theirs in RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy.
A French painterClaude Prévost (historical), friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, who had been a friend
of
[Page viii]
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter and his wifeGerda Maria Frederikke Gottlieb Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator;
married to Einar Wegener for many years, now fell in love with LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, and proposed marriage to her.
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Before consenting to the marriage LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 made another journey to the German surgeon at DresdenKurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist who performed all but the first of four surgeries on Lili Elvenes; director of the Women’s Clinic in Dresden (Staatliche Frauenklinik) from 1925 to 1948 to tell him that she had received the offer of marriage and to ask him if he could carry out yet another operation on her to enable her to function completely as a woman, to take the female part in intercourse, and to become a mother. An operation for this purpose was carried out; but shortly afterwards LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 died in DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany of heart trouble.
There seems to be no question that the above statements are true. The case was kept secret at first, but through a friend's indiscretion the secret leaked out, and the case was reported in the German and Danish newspapers and caused a great sensation in the year 1931, some time before LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's death.
. . . . .
The story of this strange case has been written by Niels HoyerNiels Hoyer (historical), pseudonym of Ernst Harthern, who composed and edited Man into Woman, partly from his own knowledge, partly from material dictated by LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 herself, partly from LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's diaries, and partly from letters written by LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and other persons concerned. The biographerNiels Hoyer (historical), pseudonym of Ernst Harthern, who composed and edited Man into Woman states that the surgeon who performed the operationKurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist who performed all but the first of four surgeries on Lili Elvenes; director of the Women’s Clinic in Dresden (Staatliche Frauenklinik) from 1925 to 1948 has passed his account of the case as correct.
. . . . .
The case falls within the domain of sexual pathology, and comes within the
category of sexual intermediacy. We are accustomed to classify individuals as
male or female, the classification
[Page ix]
being made at birth by inspection of the external
genital organs. But modern sexology has pointed out the inadequacy of this rough
and ready classification. It must be remembered that in the early embryo it is
impossible, even by the most careful examination, to determine the sex.
Gradually a little eminence grows up which forms the rudiments of the sexual
organs. At first the rudiments of the organs of both sexes develop, but later
only one set continues developing, while the other set remains very rudimentary.
If development proceeds normally, the individual differentiates sufficiently to
be classified for all practical purposes as a male or as a female. But even in
the most normal and unambiguous individual, the rudiments of the organs of the
other sex are present throughout life. Thus the male possesses a rudimentary
uterus and the female a rudimentary penis. So far, we have been speaking of the
primary sexual organs, or genital organs.
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But there are a number of other, or secondary sexual characters (breasts, width of pelvis, hair, etc.) which differ in the two sexes, and individuals who are classified as male may have secondary sexual characters of a female type and vice versa. When carefully investigated even the apparently most normal male may be found to have certain physical sex characters approximating to the female type, and the apparently most normal female to have sex characters approximating to the male type. One is led to the conclusion that the hundred-per-cent male and the hundred-per-cent female are theoretical types which do not exist in reality.
So far we have dealt only with the physical
[Page x]
sexual characters, but there are
psychological sexual characters which differ as between the sexes, too.
Sometimes the presence of marked physical characteristics of the opposite sex is
not accompanied by any noticeable psychological intermediacy, or by any change
in the direction of sexual desire, i.e., by any trace of homosexual feeling. In
other cases some degree of homosexual feeling is present and in yet other cases
the sexual intermediacy is marked much more psychologically than it is
physically. For a full discussion of this subject the reader is referred to
Professor Gregorio MarañonGregorio Marañon (1887-1960), also spelled Marañón, a Spanish physician and author's book,
The Evolution of Sex and Intersexual Conditions,
which is available in an English translation.
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Cases occur, though rarely, where an individual possesses the genital organs of one sex, and in addition more or less complete genital organs belonging to the other sex as well. Such anomalies are known as hermaphrodites, though in human beings the hermaphrodism always seems to be incomplete. There is a small number of curious cases of this sort recorded in sexological literature, though no other case, so far as I know, has been so extreme, or so well recorded, as the case of Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter.
Thus, when I was a medical student in SydneySydney (historical), a city in Australia, AustraliaAustralia (historical), a continent and a country surrounded by the Indian Ocean whose capital is Canberra., about the year 1912, a man was admitted to the wards of my hospital suffering from regularly recurring hæmorrhages, which were thought to be due to kidney disease. Investigation showed that although his external genital organs were normal, and he was married and able to perform the sexual act as a male, his body contained ovaries.
Page xi
In BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany in 1923, I saw, at the clinic of a colleague, an individual who was apparently male, but who felt himself to be a female just as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter did. This patient, too, had his male organs removed at his own request, and was given injections of ovarian extract. No operation was ever undertaken to determine whether ovaries were present in his body or not. I saw him—or her—again in 1926, after the removal of the male organs, and quite recently I received a report about the case. The individual is very unhappy, and has not succeeded in becoming completely a woman.
Professor SteinachEugen Steinach (1861–1944), an Austrian physician who pioneered gonadal transplants and early theorized the existence of hormones, of ViennaVienna (historical), a city in Austria, has for some decades been carrying on a series of investigations into sexual physiology, and has had considerable success in changing males into females and females into males among lower animals, such as rats and guinea-pigs. He has even been successful in enabling a formerly male rat to develop breast glands which function to the extent of producing milk to nourish the litter of another rat; but up to the present he has not succeeded in completing the transformation so that a former male could become pregnant and give birth to a litter.
Among birds, there are a number of cases on record where hens, which have laid eggs and produced many chickens, have gradually changed their plumage, begun to crow, and developed into cocks, and as cocks have fertilized other hens.
But in human beings, although mild grades of sexual intermediacy are by no means
rare, cases like that of Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter
arise but seldom; and I cannot help thinking that until we know more about
sexual physiology it is unwise to
[Page xii]
carry out, even at the patient's own request, such
operations as were performed in this case. It would, I think, have been better
to try the effect of psychological treatment. Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter might either have been cured, or at least enabled to adapt
himself to life. By proper psychological treatment the duplication of
personality might have been resolved and he might have been enabled to lead a
reasonably happy life instead of embarking on a series of painful and dangerous
operations which ended only with his death.
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There seems to be no need to disclose the real names of the persons mentioned in this book, except to say that Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was the well-known Danish painter Einar WegenerEinar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener; died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931.
127 Harley Street,
London, W.I. Norman HaireNorman Haire (1892-1952), an Australian-born physician and prominent sexologist who lived and worked in London
Page xiii
FOREWORD
In accordance with Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's last wishes, I have arranged the papers she left behind in the form of this book. It is a veracious life story, recorded by a person whose earthly course assumed the shape of an unparalleled and incredible tragedy of fate, the life story of a person whose afflictions were outside the range of our ordinary ideas.
The German doctorKurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist who performed all but the first of four surgeries on Lili Elvenes; director of the Women’s Clinic in Dresden (Staatliche Frauenklinik) from 1925 to 1948 whose bold operations enabled the mortally ill and despairing Danish painter Einar WegenerEinar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener; died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931 (Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter) to go on living in complete harmony with the dictates of his nature has approved the book in its German version. At Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's desire, fictitious names have been employed for the persons who figure in her narrative.
She has retained her own name, chosen out of gratitude to the German city in which she fulfilled her human destinyDresden (historical), city in Germany.
The German edition of this book was preceded by a Danish edition, and arrangements are being made for editions of the book to appear in other languages.
Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's book must be dedicated in gratitude to her great helper in DresdenKurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist who performed all but the first of four surgeries on Lili Elvenes; director of the Women’s Clinic in Dresden (Staatliche Frauenklinik) from 1925 to 1948, her life comradeGerda Maria Frederikke Gottlieb Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator; married to Einar Wegener in the sunny south, and her truest friend in ParisClaude Prévost (historical), friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923.
Niels HoyerNiels Hoyer (historical), pseudonym of Ernst Harthern, who composed and edited Man into Woman
I.
Page 15
The scene is ParisParis (historical), capital of France in the Quartier Saint GermainQuartier Saint Germain (historical), also known as the Latin Quarter (see D1), section of Paris. The time a February evening in 1930. In a quiet street which harbours a stately palace there is a small restaurant, whose regular customers are foreigners, and mostly artists.
Among them this evening were AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, two Danish painters, and their Italian friend Ernesto RossiniErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini, with his elegant French wife ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques. The friends had not seen each other for a whole year. One couple had been travelling in the North, the other in the South of EuropeEurope (historical), a continent in the Northern Hemisphere.
"Skaal!" cried AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, in the good old Nordic way, and raised his glass. "This wine, children, is for the soul what alpine sun is for the body. And this reminds me of a glorious legend of the cathedral of SevilleCathedral of Seville (historical), most likely, Catedral de Santa María de la Sede, known as Seville Cathedral, which GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I were admiring a short time ago. Under the plinth of the highest column they have immured a sunbeam—that is the whole legend."
"Splendid!" cried ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini, with enthusiasm.
"Heavenly, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter!" chimed in ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, warmly pressing his hand.
And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator smiled happily and thoughtfully.
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini exchanged a multitude of travel impressions—wanderings through museums and disreputable alleys in CadizCádiz (historical), port city in Spain and AntwerpAntwerp (historical), a city in Belgium, voyages of discovery through bazaars in the BalkansBalkans (historical), region in southeastern Europe and in marine stores in The HagueThe Hague (historical), city in the Netherlands and AmsterdamAmsterdam (historical), capital of the Netherlands. Each tried to outdo the other. Thus GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator; thus ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini—completely absorbed in their subject, their keen eyes alight with the enthusiasm of the artist.
Meanwhile, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was leaning attentive, while ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques was whispering in his ear the latest amusing, and even scandalous, anecdotes from RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy and MadridMadrid (historical), capital of Spain.
"You are not drinking too much, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter?" suddenly inquired ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, pausing in the midst of one of the "latest" incredible stories, only to be related in a whisper. . . . She had noticed the growing nervous excitement of her companion. "You want to be fit and well to-night."
ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator caught up ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques's words. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator gazed mutely at AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini took his friend's hand. "Is LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 causing you trouble again?" he inquired, full of solicitude.
"You've said it, ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners;
married to Hélène Allatini," replied AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter very seriously. "This condition is
gradually becoming intolerable. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 is no
longer content to share her existence with me. She wants to have an existence of
her own. I don't know whether you understand me. . . . I—I'm no longer any use.
Cannot do anything more. I'm finished. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 has
known this for a long time. That's how matters stand. And consequently she
rebels more vigorously every day. What shall I do with myself? The question may
sound strange, though only fools
[Page 17]
think they are indispensable, irreplaceable. But not
another word of this. Let us drink! Let us drink a fiery, sweet Asti, to please
ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of
the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques!"
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"Bravo!" cried ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, not taking her eyes off AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, who then rose wearily and made for the bar.
"Tell me quickly," whispered ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, looking towards her friend, "how is your husband? I don't like his looks."
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had lost her smile. "He has never been worse."
ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques gazed silently at their friend.
"I have almost given up all hope of saving him," said GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator very softly, "unless a miracle—"
ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques interrupted her sharply. "Look here, you're talking of a miracle." GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator regarded her friend inquiringly. "Well, listen. A very good friend of oursProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist is now in ParisParis (historical), capital of France. He comes from DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany. He is a woman's doctor. He rang us up early to-day, shortly after we had spoken to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter on the telephone. And then I thought at once: 'If anybody can help AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, it is this doctor from DresdenProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist.' And the matter is urgent, as the doctorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist must return to GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin. to-morrow afternoon. I will make an appointment with him this evening."
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator made a listless movement with her hand. "Dearest ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, it is useless. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter won't see any more doctors."
ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques seized both GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's hands.
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, dearest, now you must not contradict; this time you must obey, and I will call on the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist this very evening. I know the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist will be able to help him."
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator slowly lit a cigarette. She blew away clouds of blue smoke and stared into the haze.
Then she said slowly, without excitement, and distinctly.
"Good, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques; go and see your German ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, and I will persuade AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter to call upon you early in the morning."
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter returned at this moment, holding up two bottles of Asti as if they were booty.
. . . . .
When GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter were strolling at a later hour along the avenue near which their studio dwelling was situated, she avowed at first cautiously, but afterwards with energy, what she had arranged with ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was beside himself. He stood still in the middle of the road. He would not be examined either by a German or by a French, or by an Indian mountebank. He was through with these bloodsuckers.
He had been ill for many years. Innumerable doctors and specialists had examined him—without result. Now he was utterly tired. Life had become a torment to him.
Nobody understood what was wrong with him. But his sufferings were of the strangest kind. A specialist in Versailles had without further ado declared him to be an hysterical subject; apart from this he was a perfectly normal man, who had only to behave reasonably like a man to become perfectly well again; all that the patient lacked was the conviction that he was perfectly healthy and normal.
A young doctor, likewise in VersaillesVersailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris,
had
[Page 19]
indeed pronounced that "everything was not as it
should be" . . . but he had dismissed AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter with the following reassuring words: "Don't distress
yourself about your physical state. You are so healthy and unimpaired that you
could stand anything."
![[Page 19]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_019.jpg){kind=link}
A radiologist had been very active, but he had nearly killed AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter.
The diagnosis of a medical personage from Vienna, a man of somewhat mystical temperament and a friend of SteinachEugen Steinach (1861–1944), an Austrian physician who pioneered gonadal transplants and early theorized the existence of hormones, pointed in the right direction. "Only a bold and daring doctor can help you," this man had declared; "but where will you find such a doctor to-day?"
Thereupon AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had taken heart and approached three surgeons.
The first had declared that he had never in all his life performed "beautifying operations"; the second examined exclusively the blind-gut; and the third declared AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter to be "perfectly crazy".
Most people would probably have agreed with this third specialist: for AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter believed that in reality he was not a man, but a woman.
And he had grown tired of it all, and sworn to himself that he would not visit any more doctors. He had made up his mind to end his existence. The first of May was to be the fatal day. Spring is a dangerous time for people who are sick and tired.
He had thought over everything, even the mode of his departure. It was to be, to some extent, a polite obeisance to Nature. Now it was February. March and April would be waiting months. A reprieve . . . he felt calm.
The only thing which tormented him, which pained him unspeakably, was the thought of his wife—the loyal friend and companion of his life.
Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was an artist of great talent. Her pictures made an exciting and tingling impression, like a vapour from the jungles of ParisParis (historical), capital of France.
Perhaps because their marriage had been, above all, a comradeship almost from the beginning, they both found life pleasant and worth while only when they were together.
They were hardly adult and were still attending the Copenhagen academy of artArt Academy (fictional), modeled on The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, where Einar and Gerda Wegener studied and met when they had married. A few days before the wedding AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had sold his very first picture at his very first exhibition. They had lived mostly abroad, chiefly in ParisParis (historical), capital of France, and this life abroad had contributed to strengthen the tie which bound them.
It was therefore inevitable that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter frequently had moments when it seemed as if he were behaving like a traitor towards GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. He had been forced to recognize that he could work no longer, and he was apprehensive of becoming a burden on GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. This thought had been worrying him for months, poisoning the fount of his enjoyment.
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was aware of his thoughts. Yet she suspected that whatever she proposed to offer in the way of new hope would prove futile. There were so many things that bound them together, so many struggles, so many memories, bright and dark, and, perhaps most of all, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. For AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was, in fact, two beings: a man, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, and a girl, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. They might even be called twins who had both taken possession of one body at the same time.
In character they were entirely different.
Gradually LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had gained such predominance over AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter that she could still be traced in him, even after she had retired, but never the reverse. Whereas he felt tired and seemed to welcome death, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was joyous and in the freshness of youth.
She had become GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's favourite model. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 wandered through her best works.
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator felt herself to be the protectress of this carefree and helpless LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter felt himself to be the protector of both. His ultimate hope was to die in order that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 might awaken to a new life.
II.
The next morning GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator spoke affectionately to him, pointing out lightly that he must call upon ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques if for no other reason than as an act of courtesy. When there he could always find an excuse if he could not bring himself to visit her German ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist.
An hour later he was on his way to PassyPassy (historical), an upscale neighborhood in Paris, home of many avant-garde artists in the 1920s, where ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques lived: punctually at twelve o'clock her car stopped in front of the house where the German doctorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist was staying. While ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques was pulling the bell, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter whispered: "Perhaps it will turn out quite interesting to see your German celebrityProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist face to face, as he belongs to a race in whom interest in scientific investigation is so strongly pronounced that this interest—"
"For heaven's sake," interrupted ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, "don't start delivering a lecture on the doorstep."
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter seized his friend's hand. "ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, I only mean . . . I only hope . . . How shall I express it?"
ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques looked very seriously at her friend, who was pale with excitement. "Go on, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter."
And then he blurted out: ". . . That he will not regard me merely as a sorry renegade . . . because . . . I would rather be a woman than a man."
"No, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, I will answer for that."
Footsteps were heard inside the house.
The door was opened and a servant received
[Page 23]
them; but before he had found time to announce them a
tall, thin gentleman advanced to meet them. A dark-blue
sakkoanzug
*See mouse-over. emphasized
the austere elegance of his appearance in an almost military manner. His hair,
which was brushed in a smooth mass across his high forehead, was dark, while his
small moustache, trimmed in American style, was of a light fair colour.
![[Page 23]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_023.jpg){kind=link}
When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter later on tried to recall these features to memory his mind was a mere blank every time. From those blue, deep-set eyes, which were bright and dark at the same time, radiated a strange, captivating charm.
It was Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist.
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter felt his heart beat faster. While the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist was conducting them with a somewhat ceremonious cordiality into the drawing-room, exchanging the while a few words with ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, it occurred to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter for the first time in his life that German was a beautiful and musical language.
As in a dream he listened to the conversation between the two, even when ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques was telling the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist about him and his doleful story, throwing him now and again, as if accidentally, a quick, affectionate glance.
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter could think of nothing, and was conscious of nothing but the doctor's voice. It was as if he were laid under a spell, the spell of this voice. It reminded him of the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's eyes; it, too, was light and dark at the same time. Both the eyes and the voice penetrated into the innermost recesses of his soul.
And what would this voice have to say to him?
[Page 24]
And these eyes, what would their glance
announce to him?
![[Page 24]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_024.jpg){kind=link}
A death sentence? Did he expect anything other than this? Did he expect anything at all? Had he come here for any definite purpose?
The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist stood in front of him, hardly looked at him, and spoke only a few brief words to him. And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter followed the professorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist into an anteroom, where he was told to undress. "Now I feel like a sleepwalker," thought AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter in a vague and remote manner. He must obey, without questioning. He wanted to say something, and fumbled for German words.
"You need not give me any explanations, sir," the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist interrupted him considerately.
"It hurts here, doesn't it, and there, and likewise there, doesn't it?" And his hand slowly glided over AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' body. All that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter needed to do was to nod quickly and shyly. An almost terrifying astonishment gripped him. How did this strange man know where his pains were located?
And this astonishment grew into amazement when the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, to whom ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques had handed a bundle of photographs of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, took the portraits out of the envelope and laid them on the table in the order of the years marked on their backs, which the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had not observed.
"There we have the development clearly marked," said the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist bluntly. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter did not even nod.
"I hear you have had Röntgen
Rays treatment
by a radiologist;
but unless he previously made chemical or microscopical examinations it is
impossible to say whether he exerted an
[Page 25]
unfavourable effect upon the germ glands, and perhaps
upon any existing ovaries . . . this must be disclosed by a further
examination."
![[Page 25]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_025.jpg){kind=link}
"Ovaries!" AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter almost shrieked. "Then . . . I . . . have . . ." He could get no further. He could scarcely breathe from excitement. Everything was going round.
"Extremely probable," replied the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, imperturbable and positive; yet the sound of his voice seemed slightly muffled, very soft and discreet. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was to be reminded continually of this lightly veiled voice, and not merely AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. "For I think you possess both male and female organs, and that neither of them has sufficient room to develop properly. It is fortunate for you that you have such a pronounced feminine feeling. That's why I think I shall be able to help you."
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had to clutch at his heart. He leaned over, in order not to miss a single word that fell from the lips of this amazing man. He stared fixedly at him, expecting to find confirmation of his words in his glance.
"Well, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, what am I? . . . What . . . ?"
The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist rose, paced up and down the room for a while as if to think the matter over, and then turned to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter again. And once more AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter drank in his words.
"Come to me in GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin.. I hope I shall be able to give you a new life and a new youth."
These words were uttered with extreme simplicity.
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter stood up and struggled for speech.
"Then it will be LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 who survives?"
"Yes," answered Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist. "I will operate
on you, and give you new and strong ovaries.
[Page 26]
This operation will remove the stoppage in your
development which occurred at the age of puberty. But first of all you will have
to undergo various treatment of a preliminary nature in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. Then you can come to me in DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany."
![[Page 26]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_026.jpg){kind=link}
With these words ended the serious and fateful conversation between the strange man and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, who was still sitting a little breathless when the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist brought ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques into his consulting-room. And she smiled to conceal her emotion.
The doctorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist stood apart from them thoughtfully, and looked suddenly at AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and then at ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques. "May I speak quite openly?" he said, glancing from one to the other.
"Please do," replied AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. "I have no secrets from ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques."
"Well, then," began the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, "I hear that you are married."
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter blushed with embarrassment.
"Your marriage . . . perhaps you can tell me something about it, because, as a doctor, at any rate . . ."
Each of them was conscious of something fantastic at this moment, although the question seemed the most natural thing in the world.
"Perhaps I had better go," suggested ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, full of solicitude for her friend.
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter caught hold of her. "No, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, no, don't go."
The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist came to the assistance of both. His smile worked at this moment like a deliverance. "What is the attitude, for instance, of—I thought I heard the name LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 just now—well, of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, towards men? I mean, do men interest LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931?"
"Yes, indeed," laughed ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques; "it is positively incredible what an attraction LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 has for the other sex."
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter attempted to interrupt her. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist was now laughing heartily.
"Let the lady go on, please." And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had perforce to listen while she continued: "I have seen it with my own eyes at various carnivals and balls."
The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist became serious again. "What you have just told me, madam, is all of a piece with the picture I have formed in my own mind. . . . For the rest, the operation which has become necessary, especially as it is the first of its kind, will create a number of remarkable situations, not least, from a legal point of view. But"—and with this he came close to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and took his hand—"I promise you I will not leave LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 in the lurch and that I will assist her with her first independent steps into life."
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter looked down at the stranger's hand. He did not know what he ought to do. He looked helplessly around the room, then released the doctor's hand and stretched out both arms to ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, as if imploring help. She hurried to him and embraced him maternally.
"ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques," he stammered through his tears, "the life which is now coming with which I shall have nothing whatever to do . . . this life, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, you have saved. Without you, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, I should never have come here."
Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist was standing in front of the window, looking silently into the street.
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter went towards him, weeping. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist took his hands and said quietly: "I understand you. I know how much you have suffered."
III.
For hours GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had been waiting in the little studio for her husband's return.
When at last he entered, he was as pale as death. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator hurried to him. She led him to the sofa, upon which he collapsed helplessly. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator remained sitting by him for a long time without saying a word.
When at length AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter began to speak, she listened to him with closed eyes, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter too spoke with closed eyes. How much of it all was a dream? And how much reality? Did that which was then beginning mean redemption, the redemption? Whither led the way for him, for her, for both?
And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, completely upset by all that he had just experienced, told his story in broken words.
At length he rose to his feet. Without a word he took GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's hands and led her to the easel in front of the broad window, through which the northern sky was lighting up the room. A large picture was leaning against the easel, upon which three female figures were to be seen. One of the women bore GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's features, another bore ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques's features, and the third figure bore AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' —LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's features!
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator," he then said, "be thankful that you
[Page 29]
have believed in LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931
to the last. You know that I have never been able to doubt her. I knew that the
day would come. . . . I am so happy."
![[Page 29]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_029.jpg){kind=link}
. . . . .
On the evening of this fateful day AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter collapsed. His powers of resistance were at an end.
Not until then did he dare to acknowledge to himself how great his torment and despair had been during these last years. Now he could be frank with himself. Now he must be. . . . Yet he badly needed help, but had a friend who would assist him, his brother-in-lawChristian (fictional), Andreas’s brother-in-law; modeled on Thomas Christian Thomsen (1883-1963), married to Einar’s sister Christiane and father of Einar’s nephew, Sigurd, in whom he had confided for years and who knew the secret of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter poured out his heart to his distant relative.
"ParisParis (historical), capital of France.
"29th January, 1930.
"Dear ChristianChristian (fictional), Andreas’s brother-in-law; modeled on Thomas Christian Thomsen (1883-1963), married to Einar’s sister Christiane and father of Einar’s nephew, Sigurd,
"You have not heard from me for a long time,
because I have been able to tell you nothing good about LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931. From time to time I have been examined by several doctors,
but without result. Throughout they prescribed sedative remedies, which left me
no better nor wiser than I was before. For I want to know what is happening to
me, even if it hurts. After consulting with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of
the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques took me to one
of her personal acquaintances, who received me three hours before he was leaving
ParisParis (historical), capital of France. Then something happened which
sounds almost like a miracle! I had a consultation with the famous surgeon and
woman's doctor Professor Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist,
[Page 30]
of DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany. Strangely enough, he resembled you. He examined me a long
time, and then declared that my case was so rare that only one similar case had
been known up till now. He added that in the condition in which I am at present,
I could hardly be regarded as a living creature, because the ray treatment had
been a great mistake, especially as it had not been preceded by microscopical
examination. Now he fears that this treatment in the dark may have destroyed my
organs—male as well as female. Consequently, he wants me to go to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany as quickly as possible for the purpose of a
microscopical examination.
![[Page 30]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_030.jpg){kind=link}
"Some time afterwards he will operate on me himself. He wants to remove the dead (and formerly imperfect) male organs, and to restore the female organs with new and fresh material. Then it will be Lili who will survive!
"Her weak girl's body will then be able to
develop, and she will feel as young as her new and fresh organs. Dear ChristianChristian (fictional), Andreas’s brother-in-law; modeled on Thomas Christian Thomsen
(1883-1963), married to Einar’s sister Christiane and father of Einar’s nephew, Sigurd, I am now sitting here and weeping
like a child while I am writing you these lines. It seems so like a miracle that
I dare not believe it. One thing, however, consoles me—that were it otherwise I
must soon die. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator and I believe we are
dreaming, and are fearful of waking. It is too wonderful to think that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 will be able to live, and that she will be the
happiest girl in the world—and that this ghastly nightmare of my life is drawing
to an end. This wretched comedy as a man! Without GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator I should have thrown up the sponge long ago. But in these
dark days I have
[Page 31]
had a fresh opportunity of seeing what a splendid girl
she is . . . she is an angel. Over-exertions, her own sufferings, have left her
unscathed. She has contrived to work for two, now that I am no longer worth
much. I do what I am able, of course, and have exhibited and sold with success
in all the important Salons. But now all this is over. I am no longer fit for
anything. I am like a wretched grub which is waiting to become a butterfly. The
operation is urgent, and the doctorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist would like
me to proceed to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany immediately, as some
twenty days must elapse between the first examination and the operation. And I
must be in DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany on the day he is ready
to create LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931. He will send me medicine, which
I am to take, in order to support the internal organs and thereby keep me alive
until then. For practical reasons I begged for some delay, and I told him that I
should prefer so to arrange matters as to proceed to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany via CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark,
as I wanted first to hold an exhibition in DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen.. I would then proceed from BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany at the
beginning of April.
![[Page 31]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_031.jpg){kind=link}
"This does not particularly please the doctorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist; but he understood that I had suggested this for practical reasons.
"Now, I do not know whether it is due to excitement, but my condition has worsened to such an extent that I no longer feel able to make preparations for an exhibition and attend to everything it involves—I realize that I have no time to lose.
"Hence, I want your help.
"Will you lend me the money for the operation
and the stay in the nursing-home? I do not know
[Page 32]
how much it will cost. I only know that
ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of
the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques has so arranged it that the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist is taking an exceptionally low fee.
Out of consideration for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator I dare not
take money from our savings; the less so as our trip to RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy and my illness has cost us so much.
![[Page 32]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_032.jpg){kind=link}
"I—or we—have deposited many pictures with Messrs. Heyman and HaslundHeyman and Haslund (fictional and historical), Svend Heyman (1878–1931), Ole who owned Ole Haslands Hus with Georg Haslund (1877–1962), where the Wegeners exhibited in Copenhagen, of CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, and I estimate their value to be between 7,000 and 10,000 kronen. I do not, however, know what the operation will cost, but I estimate it will come to between 4,000 and 5,000 kronen in all. I give you all these pictures in DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen. by way of security in the event of my death—and in any event. If the affair turns out badly, the pictures can be sold, and if it turns out well, we can soon repay you the money. Our earning powers are good, and we have many large orders.
"Tell no one except my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) anything of the contents of this letter, and be good enough to let me know what you decide as quickly as possible, first by telegram and then by letter.
"It is only because I have the feeling that death is on my track that I send you this letter. Up till now I have never incurred debts in any quarter. Warmest greetings to you and the sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) from GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and
"AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter."
Two days later his brother-in-lawChristian (fictional), Andreas’s brother-in-law; modeled on Thomas Christian Thomsen (1883-1963), married to Einar’s sister Christiane and father of Einar’s nephew, Sigurd's answer arrived: a short telegram:
"Don't worry. Whatever you need is at your disposal."
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter breathed again; he began to summon up new courage.
Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had promised to send him early news, the signal to strike his tent.
One evening he said to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator: "I often find myself thinking of my old schoolmaster now. He used to tell us the story of the negroes of Saint Croix, who broke out into revolt a day before their emancipation from slavery. Now I understand their feelings. I feel I can wait no longer."
A few days later, on a Monday morning, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques received a telegram from a friend in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany directing AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter to arrive in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany not later than the following Saturday and to stay at a specified hotel, which the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist frequented during his visits to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. A letter would be awaiting AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter in the hotel.
Two days later AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was on his way to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany.
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques accompanied him to the train.
Since the arrival of the telegram he had scarcely uttered a word. He seemed like a man living in a dream. Every joy and every sorrow he shut up in his heart. Even at the moment of farewell he scarcely betrayed any excitement. To be alone . . . to get away . . . fleeing towards a new fate . . . fleeing from past and future . . . and—to refrain from thinking until the goal was reached. . . . What goal?
IV.
The train moved slowly away. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had a seat by the window.
Out of old habit he had lit a cigarette. One after another he smoked. . . . From time to time he mechanically flicked off the ashes.
He was a prey to that complete mental lassitude which so frequently supervenes upon hasty travel preparations the moment the traveller suddenly finds himself alone in the departing train.
Horrible ideas assailed him when he suddenly realized that he had now surrendered himself. He fell into a fever of apprehension.
Suddenly he had a vision of the two beloved faces. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator . . . ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques . . . and gradually the two faces changed into one. . . .He had only one name for them both: home, and now, it occurred to him, ParisParis (historical), capital of France.
He looked out, as if he were seeking them: ParisParis (historical), capital of France . . . ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques . . . GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator.
When farewells were being said he had not once leaned out of the window. . . . The Eiffel TowerEiffel Tower (historical), the most famous Parisian landmark, constructed in 1887 . . . the mirage in the sky of the towering dome: Sacré CœurSacré-Coeur (historical), a Roman Catholic church in Paris. . . ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques. . . GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. . . all had vanished for ever.
For ever? Yes, for ever! And he, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, would never return to ParisParis (historical), capital of France.
Perhaps another being. . . . He was unable to pursue the thought to its end.
[Page 35]
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator . . . ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of
the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques . . . ParisParis (historical), capital of France. . . . This
triad accompanied him, the fugitive. Now he heard it suddenly in the rhythm of
the train: fugitive . . . fugitive. . . .
![[Page 35]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_035.jpg){kind=link}
The train raced through northern FranceNorthern France (historical), France is a western European country. We had to distinguish Northern France from France because in some languages Northern France is one word and can signify a specific region with its unique identity..
Across the landscape new townships were springing up out of the ruins. Here and there were vast, strange-looking rectangles with fantastic crops. They were not cornfields: they were fields of crosses, soldiers' cemeteries, plantations of the dead. Cross set close to cross as far as eye could see.
And he thought of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. Why had he not allowed her to accompany him? She had implored him to do so. And yet he had forced her to remain behind in ParisParis (historical), capital of France . . . and to wait. He pulled himself together, lit a cigarette, and put the thought out of his mind.
The train reached the frontier between FranceFrance is a western European country whose capital is Paris. and BelgiumBelgium (historical), a country in western Europe whose capital is Brussels.. He gazed indifferently out of the window. The last seat in the compartment was now occupied.
Through BelgiumBelgium (historical), a country in western Europe whose capital is Brussels. the train crawled at a snail's pace. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter strolled up and down the dining-car and mixed a cocktail. It was not yet six o'clock. The train stopped at every tiny village. Passengers alighted and entered in a leisurely way, as if they had endless time on their hands.
Then the German frontier was reached, and a new engine imparted new energy to the journey. Slowly the night descended, and soon the train was rushing through the darkness.
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter had lingered over his meal in the
dining-car and had drunk more wine than usual to deaden his feelings and lull
the pain caused him by the
[Page 36]
vibration and rolling of the train. But he must
return to his compartment. He could scarcely keep on his feet. At length he sank
back in his corner again, clenched his teeth, and closed his eyes. All his
bridges were burned. Everything lay behind him. His whole life seemed to him to
be something that was past, something that was lost.
![[Page 36]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_036.jpg){kind=link}
He resolved not to think. But his brain gave him no rest. Would it not perhaps be best to abandon this fantastic experiment? For what it was proposed to do to him was only an experiment after all. Would it not have been more rational to live out his life to the end as it was shaped for him, to let this life ebb away from him?
He thought of the letter which he had lately written to Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist:
"Yours for life and death, provided LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 survives."
Every particle of masculine pride that dwelt in him stirred and gripped him. "I must reach the goal. I must hold out." He spoke his thoughts half aloud, and several fellow-travellers regarded him inquiringly.
He had to laugh. . . . Not in vain was he a native of CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, where nothing is ever taken seriously.
"So," said AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter to himself, "let us write our obituary. It's not a matter to be taken tragically."
And then he began rapidly to compose the sort of notice that would be published, appraising him as artist.
"The painter Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter is dead. He died
in the train between ParisParis (historical), capital of France and BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. His
[Page 37]
fellow-travellers thought he had fallen asleep in one
of the corner seats of his compartment. The cause of death was probably a heart
attack.
![[Page 37]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_037.jpg){kind=link}
"A happy and harmonious artistic life here came to an abrupt close. He was a man in the prime of life. After searching for a long time and experimenting in various ways, he seemed to have found his style. His pictures, which mostly originated in FranceFrance is a western European country whose capital is Paris. and ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome., were sometimes bright and bathed in colour, sometimes dark and somewhat sombre, but always charged with sentiment and natural feeling. Two subjects he preferred above all else: ParisParis (historical), capital of France, whose embankments, bridges, and towers he succeeded, with no little mastery, in reproducing in their lightly veiled pearl-grey atmosphere, and landscapes under lowering skies, showing in vivid lights the trees and houses in the background. It was especially in pictures of the latter kind, these strong, very masculinely conceived storm pictures, that Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter found an outlet for his talent.
"We, who were acquainted with his soft, often effeminate appearance, and his laughing, joyous tones in conversation, noted this with astonishment, and the thought frequently struck us that whatever masculine force resided in him found its outlet in these strong, somewhat wild and wilful pictures.
"He painted very quickly, and thus it happened that he found time to devote
himself to many other things beside his art. His knowledge was really
comprehensive. Very characteristic was an answer which we once heard from his
own lips, in the TrianonGrand Trianon (historical), a palace on the estate of Versailles outside Paris, addressed by him
to an older
[Page 38]
colleague. The latter had expressed his
annoyance at the fact that a young colleague was beginning a picture in what he
thought was too systematic a way. 'You must pardon me if I don't share your
view,' retorted Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, 'but I do
believe that it is impossible to paint a leaf of a rose correctly unless one
knows the last thing about the influence of Assyrian bas-relief upon the
sculpture of the Greeks.'
![[Page 38]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_038.jpg){kind=link}
"On another occasion he expressed himself in the following way: 'I cannot understand how lightly most of my older colleagues take their art—how easily satisfied they are with their performances. As for me, I calculate I should require a thousand years to become a decent painter.' Thus seriously did Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter take his art, at any rate.
"The greater portion of his life he had spent far from his Danish home—in ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome., HollandHolland (the Netherlands, historical), a country in northwestern Europe whose capital is Amsterdam., GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin., and FranceFrance is a western European country whose capital is Paris.. He lived mostly in ParisParis (historical), capital of France.
"The reason why he turned his back in early manhood on CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, although his art was highly appreciated there from the beginning, was because CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark and DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen. did not seem to him to be the right soil for his wife's art. In CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark he had frequently been obliged to hear how much his pictures were preferred to those of his wife. And that was perhaps the worst thing that could be said to him. In ParisParis (historical), capital of France, where the contrary was generally the case, he felt at home for this very reason. He felt his wife's successes as his own successes, for his dominant characteristic was chivalry towards his wife, as towards women generally.
"For the rest, his was a complex, enigmatic
[Page 39]
nature. Despite the inevitable influences to which
every artist in ParisParis (historical), capital of France is exposed, he remained
fundamentally a Northern painter, and his art, in its quintessence, had little
affinity with Latin, but every affinity with Teutonic influences. His personal
outlook was European. He maintained a constant intercourse with French
philosophers and writers, with Polish violinists, with Russian architects, and
German painters.
![[Page 39]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_039.jpg){kind=link}
"In collaboration with a French friendCharles Guyot (1892-1963?), French writer, co-author of Les Livres des Vikings (1924) with Einar Wegener he wrote a book about Northern sagas, which passed through many editions in ParisParis (historical), capital of France. Of this he was not a little proud. And he took pleasure in the fact that through this book he had been the means of opening the eyes of the Latin reading world to the Teutonic world of ideas, an undertaking which in the post-War period (the book appeared in the year 1924) deserves praise as the throwing of an intellectual bridge between the Latin and the Teutonic worlds.
"Without being himself a practised musician, he cherished a deep love of music.
"In recent years his health had not been particularly good. He had frequently complained of pains, but always in a restrained and smiling way, so that even the doctors whom he was eventually obliged to consult were misled as to his real condition or were unable to realize the serious state of his health.
"And now death has so abruptly—and to the deep sorrow of his many friends near and far—terminated this versatile artistic career, which to all of us who have known him must seem like an unfinished romance. . . ."
"Full stop," said AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter to himself. "Full stop." And he thought that, in much the same language as he had just been using, someone else had secretly written down his career in a diary—GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, his faithful life's companion, as she too thought that he would die suddenly. One night he had found her asleep over her diary. He was careful not to let GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator suspect that he knew of the existence of this diary.
The train had passed AixAix (historical), city in Germany long ago. Would they never reach CologneCologne (historical), city in Germany? he moaned inwardly.
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had not booked a sleeping-berth. He did not care for this modern travelling comfort. To be perched aloft with perfect strangers was repellent to his fastidiousness. An unconquerable aversion forbade him to undress in the presence of other men. He had often been chaffed on this account. Only GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator understood his repugnance.
At last, CologneCologne (historical), city in Germany! All his fellow travellers left the compartment. "They have sleeping-berths," thought AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter gleefully. He was left alone.
After a short time the train started again. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter lit a fresh cigarette. Would the pain leave him in peace until he reached his destination, BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany? If he could only sleep just this one night! If he could only banish thought for just this one night!
He took off his coat and laid it under his head, so that he might lie higher, and wrapped himself in his cloak. Before he had felt too hot . . . now he began to shiver. He rose from his seat, drew down the curtains in front of the windows, and switched off the light. Then he laid down again.
The pains racked him afresh. He drew his cloak over his face.
EINAR WEGENEREinar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener; died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931 (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter) POSING AS LILILili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, PARISParis (historical), capital of France, 1926
Page 41
Then he fell asleep, and slept for several hours.
"HanoverHanover (historical), also spelled Hannover, city in Germany! . . . HanoverHanover (historical), also spelled Hannover, city in Germany!" the porters were shouting, And then again, a long way off: "HanoverHanover (historical), also spelled Hannover, city in Germany!"
The sound of hammers was heard tapping the wheels, coming nearer and nearer. Doors were flung open and slammed.
A shrill whistle blew and slowly the train moved off again.
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was half leaning, half lying on the seat in a drowsy state. Suddenly he jumped to his feet. The door of his carriage was flung open. The drawn curtains were pushed aside.
A ladybride (fictional), no known historical model was standing in front of the door. Her silhouette was sharply defined against the light in the corridor.
The darkness in his compartment seemed for a moment to intimidate her. But only for a moment. Then she threw a small trunk upon the rack and sank wearily into the nearest empty corner seat, next to the door leading to the corridor.
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter switched on the light again.
He suppressed his ill-humour at being thus suddenly jerked out of his solitude. "The train will not stop again until it reaches BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany," he thought, "and so there is no hope of being alone again." Should he move into the adjoining compartment? Perhaps it was empty. But he immediately rejected the idea. He could not hurt the lady's feelings by appearing discourteous.
He sat up straight in his seat, and observed his companion without her noticing it.
What struck him was the expression of her eyes. She did not seem to be seeing him
at all; she did
[Page 42]
not seem to be aware that she was sharing the
tiny compartment with a man.
![[Page 42]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_042.jpg){kind=link}
He looked in front of him. He stared at his fingers. But his eyes were soon fixed on her again, and he noted with astonishment that she was weeping.
The tears were starting from her eyes. She must have seen that he was looking at her; but in spite of this she did not make the least attempt to hide her weeping or dry her tears.
She was obviously quite young. Plaits of fair hair framed a smooth, narrow, girlish forehead. Her eyes, dimmed with tears, were bright blue and at other times could sparkle with gaiety. She had removed her gloves. He noticed a plain ring on a finger of her left hand. She was a bride, then.
Profound sympathy stirred in him.
"Mademoiselle . . ." he began.
She did not seem to hear him. Probably he had spoken too softly, or the roar of the train had drowned his words.
Then it occurred to him that he was now in GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin..
"Gnädiges Fräulein . . ." he repeated, almost embarrassed.
She raised her weeping eyes. "What an enchanting bride!" thought AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter.
"I should like so much to help you," he said. "You seem to be in great trouble. . . ."
He could get no further. She covered her face with her hands and wept as if her
heart would break. Then, between her sobs, she handed him a folded newspaper,
which she had been hugging the whole time. Only then did AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter notice it. He
[Page 43]
took the paper, but did not know what to do with it.
He rose from his seat and sat beside the weeping girl and stroked her hand. She
became calmer.
![[Page 43]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_043.jpg){kind=link}
It appeared that her husband, a well-known musicianPianist XX (fictional), no known historical model, had gone to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany two days before in order to give a concert in that city. This very evening he had been expected to return. On the way to the station to meet him, she had chanced to buy a newspaper, the newspaper which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was now holding in his hand, and in it she had read . . .
She pointed to the place on the front page and wept again.
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter read:
The young pianist XX of HanoverPianist XX (fictional), no known historical model, who gave a successful concert yesterday evening in the XX hall, met with an accident on the way to his hotel, his taxi-cab colliding with a tramcar. He is now lying in hospital with very serious injuries. His condition gives rise to the gravest anxiety.
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was shocked when he read the report. He had offered his help to the unhappy bridebride (fictional), no known historical model. Now he felt like an idle chatterer.
And yet, little as he had ever been able to help himself, in the case of others he had frequently been able to alleviate pain by means of a mystic force which appeared to dwell in him. How often had not GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques assured him of this?
The young lady's feverish hands were now lying in his. He clasped them tightly
for a long time. At first she quivered like a captive bird. Then the quivering
grew less and less. He did not utter a word; he merely stroked very softly the
limp, girlish hands. She too was silent. He could hear her
[Page 44]
gentle breathing, and then her breathing became
more and more regular. Her head sank on his shoulder, and she fell asleep. Now
her heart was beating softly against his hand, which he had been obliged to
place around her to afford her support.
![[Page 44]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_044.jpg){kind=link}
And he smiled happily at the thought that something of that hidden enigmatic force was still left in him to-day.
More than once he tried to move; but each time his companion trembled like a sick child, whimpering in slumber. He therefore remained sitting in a rigid position. And gradually the roar of the train rocked him lightly to sleep also.
It was not long before he awoke, and the thought of his position forced a smile to his lips.
Here he was now sitting, he, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, of CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, whom life had drifted to ParisParis (historical), capital of France, and who was now being driven northward by a fantastic destiny, overwhelmed with his own grief and needing help and assistance if ever a person did, and chance had selected just him to give consolation to a perfect stranger, to help her over a dark hour of her existence— perhaps her darkest hour. And here was this little German ladybride (fictional), no known historical model, the wife of an unknown manPianist XX (fictional), no known historical model, lying in his arms. And she and he, each of them, were journeying, guided by by some blind providence, towards their own fates . . . somewhere in GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin..
These were the thoughts that kept running through his mind.
And then a few secret tears splashed down his cheeks, and it suddenly dawned upon
him why all this had so happened. This charming creature from Hanoverbride (fictional), no known historical model, who was now
slumbering
[Page 45]
in his arms like a blissfully confiding child, had
been sent him as the last woman towards whom he could act as a protective
male—before parting for ever from woman, from the eternal-feminine.
![[Page 45]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_045.jpg){kind=link}
So his thoughts assumed these vague shapes, while on the other side of the window a foggy morning was dawning, and the train was rushing through the sea of houses which constituted BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany.
He realized that he must awaken his travelling companion.
With a shriek of anguish she started out of her sleep, and gazed at him in utter perplexity. "Oh, he can't be dead!" Her words again dissolved in tears.
"Child," he said, speaking in a soft and confident voice, "child, I do not know your name, and you do not know mine, but please believe me when I say that I know he is alive."
She seized both his hands and covered them with kisses.
"Yes, indeed," he assured her, "make your mind quite easy."
"Oh, I am quite at ease! How you have helped me! I shall never forget what you have done."
A few minutes later she was lost in the crowd of people on the platform. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter gazed after her for a long time. The newspaper which she had given him during the night was the only memento which he retained.
A few days later AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter happened to read in a newspaper that the husband of his unknown travelling companionPianist XX (fictional), no known historical model was on the road to recovery.
V
In the company of a porter AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter walked the short distance from the station to the hotel.
"How devilish cold it is here in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany, although it is the first of March!" he confided in a tone of surprise to the man who was carrying his two trunks. "In ParisParis (historical), capital of France it is already spring."
"Yes, in ParisParis (historical), capital of France," replied the honest fellow, "in ParisParis (historical), capital of France." And this ended the conversation.
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter turned up his collar. His teeth were really chattering. He was exhausted after passing an almost sleepless night and plunging into the midst of a strange world. But the unexpected coldness of the temperature kept his senses fully alert.
Suddenly, before he reached the neighbouring hotel, the thought struck him: "These two trunks contain my very last articles of clothing, shirts, collars. . . . How absurd!"
A feeling of defiance welled up in him, as if the man were at bay, the man within him.
In the hotel, where the manager had been advised of his arrival, he was treated with exquisite courtesy. He immediately inquired whether Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, who was in the habit of staying in this hotel almost every week-end, had perchance already arrived. He was disappointed to learn that this was not so, nor had any letter been left for him with the porter.
A few minutes later he went to his room. He took a warm bath, and by the time he had breakfasted all his troubles were forgotten.
Elena's woman friendBaronin Schildt (fictional), modeled on Marie-Anne von Goldschmidt-Rothschild (née Friedländer-Fuld, 1892-1973), known as Baroness Rotschildt; a friend of Kurt Warnekros, the sender of the fateful telegram which had prompted his journey to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany, soon rang him up.
"Welcome to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany," her voice sounded over the telephone. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter immediately recognized the voice of Baroness SchildtBaronin Schildt (fictional), modeled on Marie-Anne von Goldschmidt-Rothschild (née Friedländer-Fuld, 1892-1973), known as Baroness Rotschildt; a friend of Kurt Warnekros, whom he had met in ParisParis (historical), capital of France on a number of occasions with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and their two friends.
"We have everything ready. And so that no time may be lost, some specialists whom Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist has been consulting will be getting into touch with you, probably to-day or to-morrow."
Some minutes later, Professor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin, a doctor whom he had never heard of before, made an appointment with him for twelve o'clock.
And scarcely had this visit been arranged than the telephone rang again. Niels HvideNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, an old CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark friend, a lawyer and a poet at the same time, who had been living in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany for years, called him up.
"Hullo, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter."
"How do you know that—"
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator sent me a long telegram yesterday, and early this morning an express letter from her followed. The letter has therefore been racing you. You must come and see us at once. IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 and I will keep the morning coffee hot until you arrive."
An address and directions were hastily written down. A few minutes afterwards AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was on his way, and half an hour later he was in his friend's house.
A splendid fellow, this NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938—a blond giant from North JutlandNorth Jutland (historical), Jutand is a region of Denmark. We had to distinguish North Jutland from Jutland because in some languages North Jutland is one word and can signify a specific identity., where his family were old landed proprietors.
IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938, his wife, was the type of the modern cultivated woman. Henna-red hair contrasted piquantly with her large blue eyes. Both were globe-trotters. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had often undertaken long journeys with them together. Intimate as they had all been with one another, however, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 and his wife had hitherto been unaware of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' secret.
He was received most cordially. They had breakfast and spoke about indifferent subjects as long as IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 was in the room. Then NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 blurted out:
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator has told me something which I can't quite understand in this letter which came early this morning. You can, of course, read it."
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter retorted. "No; the letter is addressed to you."
On the walls of the room hung a few pictures, painted by GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and by AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. Involuntarily AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter looked up at them. The first picture, painted by GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, was—LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
"Yes," said NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 delicately, "now I understand a good deal of what used to seem like a fantastic idea about you both—seeing you crop up so often as a female model in GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's pictures."
A brief silence followed this remark.
"Well, old fellow," resumed NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer,
friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, "some
hints which GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator let fall about you a year
ago in ParisParis (historical), capital of France showed me then that your life
appeared to be taking a strange turn. Whether the change that is now in store
for you is a happy or a disastrous
[Page 49]
one, you can be assured of this—that you have
entrusted your fate here to the best and most conscientious hands. Everything
now depends upon whether you will have the strength to go through with it. You
seem tired. But"—and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer,
friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 laughed
merrily—"it really is a most extraordinary thing for a man to be faced with the
choice of whether he will survive in this world of multiplying sensations as
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, or"—and then he pointed to the
picture—"as LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931."
![[Page 49]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_049.jpg){kind=link}
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter looked hard at his friend. "Faced with the choice, you say. . . . No, I do not think it is a question of that, but of something much more serious, of life or death, in fact; for believe me, the man you are talking to is condemned to death. And now the question is, whether that being there"—and he pointed to the portrait—"can be summoned into existence and take up the battle of life."
NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 now spoke very seriously. "Yes, and what seems to be the most important thing at the moment is that you should be perfectly clear in your own mind how this strange, fantastic change which you have been undergoing from childhood until now—that is, during a normal human life—has been proceeding; in what gradual manner, therefore, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 has been gaining the upper hand over AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter."
"That is so," replied AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, looking at his watch; "but now I must be off to my first arbiter of life and death, to Professor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin. And when I have finished with him I must probably go further . . . through the whole round."
"Agreed," laughed NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer,
friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 jovially; "and when
[Page 50]
you have finished your lesson you will come
again to us. And now, neck or nothing!"
![[Page 50]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_050.jpg){kind=link}
. . . . .
Professor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin, the inventor of a new method of blood-testing, received AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter in a very considerate manner. He put a series of questions which, although of a delicate nature, were answered by AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter without the least hesitation.
During the long and elaborate examinations— (the main thing was to determine the
vital condition of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 in AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter by an analysis of his blood)—AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter exerted all his will-power to exclude
thought. The doctor conducted him from the study into a comfortably furnished
room. "If you would like to smoke, please do so," he said. After chatting for a
short time about unimportant things, Professor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented
a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin intimated to his patient that he must now submit himself for
a special examination by his friend Dr. HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional), modeled on Magnus Hirschfeld (1868–1935), a German
physician and one of the most influential sexologists of the time; Einar Wegener was
examined at his Institute in March 1930, the sexual psychologist. "My colleague HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional), modeled on Magnus Hirschfeld (1868–1935), a German
physician and one of the most influential sexologists of the time; Einar Wegener was
examined at his Institute in March 1930 has had so much experience in the
more 'emotional' sphere—whatever we may think of this from the scientific
standpoint—that I, at any rate, cannot ignore his opinion in what may so
specially affect your person. When they have dismissed you there, you will have
to go to Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown, another colleague. He and
I, in fact, have to determine the hormone content of your blood, while colleague HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional), modeled on Magnus Hirschfeld (1868–1935), a German
physician and one of the most influential sexologists of the time; Einar Wegener was
examined at his Institute in March 1930 has to pronounce a purely
psychological opinion upon you and the person in you whom you call LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931. In any case I shall be glad if you will call on
me again to-morrow morning. The result of these various 'tests' to which we have
to subject you
[Page 51]
will then be forwarded to your protector, Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist."
![[Page 51]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_051.jpg){kind=link}
"Your protector." . . . These words made AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' heart beat faster, and when, shortly afterwards, he was sitting in a waiting-room of the spacious Institute for PsychiatryInstitute for Psychiatry (fictional), modeled on the Institut Für Sexualwissenschaft (Institute for Sexual Science) in Berlin, founded by Magnus Hirschfeld in 1919; Einar Wegener was initially examined there, he was obliged to keep repeating these two words to himself—otherwise all his courage would have oozed away. "Why have I been sent here?" he wondered. "What have I to do here?" He felt intensely uncomfortable. In this large room a group of abnormal persons seemed to be holding a meeting—women who appeared to be dressed up as men, and men of whom one could scarcely believe that they were men. The manner in which they were conversing disgusted him; their movements, their voices, the way in which they were attired, produced a feeling of nausea.
At length Dr. HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional), modeled on Magnus Hirschfeld (1868–1935), a German physician and one of the most influential sexologists of the time; Einar Wegener was examined at his Institute in March 1930 appeared and ushered him into his consulting-room. By means of a thousand penetrating questions, this man explored the patient's emotional life for hours. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had to submit to an inquisition of the most ruthless kind. The shame of shamelessness is something that actually exists, he thought, during these hours, and clung to this definition, which he had once found in some philosophical work, in an effort to banish the feeling he had of standing there as if in the pillory. His emotional life was undergoing an ordeal which resembled running the gauntlet.
And when this torture came at last to an end, the inquisitor dismissed him with the words: "I shall expect you to-morrow morning at the same time."
Then it was Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown's turn. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had by now acquired a sort of routine in answering the questions put to him. This examination took the form of a conversation throughout. Before AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was aware of it, he found himself in the midst of a real "masculine conversation", its theme being the political relations between FranceFrance is a western European country whose capital is Paris. and GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin.. And thus, quite incidentally, the doctor introduced a long, fine syringe into AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' arm, in order to take a blood test.
Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown also dismissed him with the words: "And I will see you again in the morning."
Exhausted by his ordeal, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter at length made his way to NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 and Inger HvideInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 in the evening.
"No," he exclaimed, "don't ask me anything now. I am not fit to answer questions. Let us rather take a good walk through your Babylon on the SpreeBerlin (historical), capital of Germany round the KurfürstendammKurfuürstendamm (historical), an upscale avenue in Berlin whose cafés and theaters were the center of Berlin’s cultural scene in the 1920s. Its Jewish-owned shops were targeted during Kristallnacht in 1938.. I must see men, healthy men."
IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 had a previous engagement for the evening; but NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 accepted his friend's proposal with alacrity.
They proceeded first to a Russian restaurant, where they enjoyed a supper of many courses, washed down with several glasses of vodka. Then they sampled German, French, Hungarian, and Spanish wines in bars and cafés of the most various kind. To the surprise of them both, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter proved a good tippling comrade this evening.
"Your health, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter!" said NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer,
friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, who had again remarked his friend's
astonishing drinking capacity. "You are really a strange fellow. This evening
you are behaving just like a rake—and to-morrow you will perhaps be insisting
that henceforth I must treat you like a lady. When I look at you
[Page 53]
I can hardly believe that there is not something
wonderful about it all. But perhaps from the very beginning not only have two
souls dwelt within your breast in the sense of GoetheGoethe (historical), Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832), German writer and diplomat, but two beings, two whole beings. . . . I hardly know
how to express myself."
![[Page 53]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_053.jpg){kind=link}
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter regarded him calmly. "I know what you are trying to get at. It is difficult to make head or tail of this change, difficult for me, but much more difficult for others. And the strangest thing of all, believe me, is that each of the beings within me is healthy and perfectly normal in its emotional life."
"And it is just that which is perhaps the abnormal and incredible thing about your case," declared Neils. "I have known you for years, I mean"—and then he laughed slightly—"as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, for you have been silent about LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to us friends. And as a man you have always seemed to me unquestionably healthy. I have, indeed, seen with my own eyes that you attract women, and that is the clearest proof that you are a genuine fellow." He paused, and then placed his hand on AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' shoulder. "You won't take it amiss if I ask you a frank question?"
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter stared at him. "NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, if you knew what kind of questions I have had to answer to-day you would not behave so solemnly about the matter."
"Well, then, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, have you at any time been interested in your own kind? You know what I mean."
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter shook his head calmly. "My word on
it, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer,
friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938; never in my life. And I can add
that
[Page 54]
those kind of creatures have never shown any
interest in me."
![[Page 54]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_054.jpg){kind=link}
"Good, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter! That's just what I thought."
"I will honestly and plainly confess to you, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, that I have always been attracted to women. And to-day as much as ever. A most banal confession!"
NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 raised his glass. "And now we will drink to the future. Let come what may! Go right through with it! If you had lived in the time of the old Greeks, perhaps they would have made you a demi-god. In the Middle Ages they would have burnt you, for miracles were then forbidden. But to-day doctors are, at any rate, permitted to accomplish something like a miracle. Thus we will drink to the day that is coming."
They drank the toast.
NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 accompanied his friend to his hotel. When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter found himself alone in his room, his physical and bodily torments overwhelmed him, and he collapsed.
. . . . .
By the next morning AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had recovered his equilibrium, outwardly at least.
Punctual to the minute he called on Professor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin.
"Since I saw you yesterday I have been talking to Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. We are both agreed that a young colleague here, a surgeon of reputeProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930, ought to treat you first. When that is over, there will no longer be any obstacle to your reception in the Professor's clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". That means, it is not you who will be received there."
"Not I?"
"KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist runs a women's clinic. Your case"— the ProfessorProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin then laughed a little—"is somewhat unusual, even for us doctors. This means, therefore, that when the surgeonProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 here dismisses you,. you will be no longer Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, but—"
"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931!"
"Just so! HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional), modeled on Magnus Hirschfeld (1868–1935), a German physician and one of the most influential sexologists of the time; Einar Wegener was examined at his Institute in March 1930 has told me that he too regards the masculine element in you as by far the least considerable part of your being, which, in his opinion from the emotional standpoint, reveals between eighty and one hundred per cent of feminine characteristics. The examination of your blood has yielded a similar result. I will, of course, be present at the operation which we shall perform on you here in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. Before this happens we will take a few photographs of you, for scientific reasons. Dr. HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional), modeled on Magnus Hirschfeld (1868–1935), a German physician and one of the most influential sexologists of the time; Einar Wegener was examined at his Institute in March 1930 is now expecting you. To-morrow morning, then, you will go into the surgeon's nursing-homeGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin." Saying which, Professor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin gave AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter the exact address of the nursing-homeGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin.
VI.
Late that evening AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was again sitting with NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 and IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938.
After the three of them had finished dinner, during which husband and wife had intentionally avoided putting questions to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter as to the outcome of the various medical examinations, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter lit a cigarette, rose to his feet, and extinguished all superfluous lights, leaving only a solitary electric candle, suspended in an alcove, to cast a feeble light.
He sat down in a convenient armchair, and without any introduction began in a free and easy style.
"Yesterday evening, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, I pondered very deeply over your words."
"Over my words?"
"Yes; as you said, the most important thing at the moment is for me to be perfectly clear in my own mind—I am using your own words—how this strange, fantastic change which I have been undergoing from my childhood onwards has been taking place—"
"And how LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 has gradually gained the upper hand over you," said NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, finishing the sentence.
"Well, then. I did ponder over this last night; especially as it is by no means unlikely that the present night will be the last night of—"
"Nonsense!" interrupted IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938.
"Let it pass, IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938," interposed NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938. "I know what AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter means."
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter laughed. "However that may be, IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938, it is my farewell night. And in order that you may perfectly understand this, and supposing that you both have as much patience as I have, I propose relating in detail how all this has happened. . . . I have made a few notes, so as not to lose the thread of my story. Who knows what the morrow will bring—whether I shall be still I, or whether I, obliterated to a certain extent as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, the person who is now sitting in front of you, will start losing all memory of myself, in order to make room for another person."
NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 rose to his feet, paced up and down a few times, and then remained standing in front of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. He too had now become serious.
"I thought it would be something like that. And as you know me to be a level-headed person, who mostly takes things as he finds them—that is, without letting his feelings run away with him— incidentally I have not yet forgotten the shorthand of my student days—I should like to suggest, if I am not hurting your feelings, that you let me take down in shorthand the curriculum vitae which you are about to relate. . ." He broke into a laugh in which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter joined and then IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938.
"An excellent opportunity," exclaimed AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, amused. "Your reporting will not affect me in any way whatever. On the contrary!"
"Then fire away!" With these words NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 settled himself in an armchair, and produced a pencil and notebook. IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 reclined on the sofa and smoked her cigarette.
"I will tell you the story of my life, like an accurate chronicler," began AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, "so let it commence with my parents, whom you have both met. If I should grow tedious now and then, or too introspective—"
"I will run my blue pencil through it afterwards, as your TacitusTacitus (d. 117 AD), a senator and a historian of the Roman Empire." NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 completed the sentence.
"FatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener's ancestors came from MallorcaMallorca (historical), a Spanish island to JutlandJutland (historical), the largest region of Denmark. From him I have my dark eyes. He was not a man of bracing character, but rather effeminate, much concerned with himself and his own comfort. MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen), on the other hand, was a hale woman, with healthy nerves, a Nordic blonde type, perhaps even somewhat hard in her temperament, an efficient housewife and a good mother. She died before FatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener, quite suddenly. FatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener was inconsolable. Their marriage had survived many storms. After MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen)'s death he revered her like a saint.
"She had four children, three sons and one daughter; I being the youngest.
"I was a very happy child. Everybody pampered me, even my brothersBrothers (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s brothers, Holger (b. 1880) and Henrik and sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954). I was a great epicure, and could eat nothing but my
favourite dishes. From my fatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener I never heard
a harsh word in all my life. Whenever a slap was necessary, it was administered
by MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen). For the rest, she vied with
FatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener in spoiling me, as all youngsters
are doubtless spoiled. MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen) loved to dress
me up. I was never clad finely enough for her. Sometimes I was not allowed to
romp about with my playmates on account of my 'best clothes', and this was the
greatest distress I had to endure.
[Page 59]
As a little chap I had long, fair locks, snow-white
skin, and dark eyes, so that strangers often took me for a girl. In a
kindergarten, where, as the only boy, I played with eleven girls, I was the
cleverest of all the children in knitting and embroidery. As a five-year-old, at
the annual prize-giving of our kindergarten I received my first mark of public
distinction for fancy-work.
![[Page 59]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_059.jpg){kind=link}
"As an eight-year-old my two brothersBrothers (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s brothers, Holger (b. 1880) and Henrik often bantered me on account of my 'girl's voice'. I took this very much to heart, and thereafter made great efforts to acquire a proper youthful bass.
"Looking back on things now, it seems as if my childish voice was my first dissimulation.
"In other respects my childhood was nothing but sunshine. With my brothersBrothers (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s brothers, Holger (b. 1880) and Henrik I played with tin soldiers, with my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) with dolls. No one saw anything strange in the fact that I was fond of pushing my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954)'s toy perambulator, as many brothers who have sisters do this.
"At nine years of age I went to the same grammar school as
my brothersBrothers (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s brothers, Holger (b. 1880) and Henrik. None of us was a model
pupil. My favourite subjects were French and Latin, but I was also one of the
most assiduous users of the school library, which gave me a high place in
our headmaster's opinion. Nevertheless, I was usually
the last but one in the class. The old man himself taught
us French. He spoke the language correctly, with an excellent accent. Once
during the summer holidays he went to ParisParis (historical), capital of France,
and afterwards he told us wrathfully that he did not think much of the
Parisians, as they neither understood him nor he understood them, ending his
anecdote with the words: 'And
[Page 60]
now you know, boys, that I can speak French."
He was a droll chap.
![[Page 60]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_060.jpg){kind=link}
"Of a different stamp was my Latin teacher. He was a most enlightened man, who not only taught us Latin grammar, but took great pains to familiarize us with the intellectual atmosphere of antiquity and the art of the ancients. He it was who first opened my eyes to the flawless beauty of Greek sculpture. It was only a vague and remote comprehension. But I can remember as if it were yesterday, when bathing with boys of my own age I would often blush at seeing my own somewhat slim and delicate youthful body reflected in the water beside the sturdy and not particularly well-proportioned youthful bodies of the others. I was really built on much more delicate and flexible lines than were my comrades. Then I would think of the youthful figures of PraxitelesPraxiteles (395-330 BC), an Athenian sculptor, about which the Latin master had been telling us a few days before. In the art-room we had also a few plaster casts.
"This reminds me of a little scene. At that time a number of girls were attending
our school. One of them attended the same classes as I. Once —during the
interval—she put her hat on my head for fun. 'Doesn't he look like a proper
girl?' she cried, and my comrades laughed with me. Suddenly our Latin master stood in front of us. I was too frightened to take off the
girl's hat in time, and before I knew what was happening I had received a sound
thrashing. I was then in a perfect rage, and did not realize until many years
later why my old teacher had then felt it his duty to punish me. We poor humans
. . . what do we
[Page 61]
know about ourselves . . . how much less about our
neighbours?
![[Page 61]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_061.jpg){kind=link}
"For the rest I was an ordinary boy. I was in the thick of all fights. Just because I was more delicate than my companions I deliberately displayed special daring. Many bruises were the result of this ambition.
"Incidentally I went on long walks with my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954). And when I knew that no one was likely to see me—as in the wood close to the town—I pushed her doll's pram, which always accompanied us.
"In adolescence my interest in art constantly increased. When I was seventeen I began to read art periodicals and to visit art exhibitions. My fatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener, who, being an old merchant, thought little of an artist's career for me, tried several times to divert my life into a 'practical direction'. Thus he apprenticed me first to a merchant and then to a master painter, without achieving anything except to intensify still more my desire to follow an artistic career.
"At the same time, like every adolescent, I had my 'flame'; indeed, to be honest, I must even speak of 'flames'.
"When my fatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener at length realized that it was hopeless to try to interest me in anything 'practical', I was sent at nineteen years of age to an art academy at CopenhagenArt Academy (fictional), modeled on The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, where Einar and Gerda Wegener studied and met. Here a number of good comrades took me under their wing and took care that I very quickly lost my provincial simplicity and embarrassment and that I also lost my innocence in a thoroughly brutal fashion. Then I met GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator.
"It was love at first sight.
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had just come to the art academyArt Academy (fictional), modeled on The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, where Einar and Gerda Wegener studied and met. She too was from the provinces. We immediately became inseparable. We attended all the evening lectures together. The ordinary teaching in the academyArt Academy (fictional), modeled on The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, where Einar and Gerda Wegener studied and met was at that time so arranged as to divide the sexes.
"A friend had brought us together.
"When he learned one day that we were engaged, he became perfectly furious with jealousy, not really on account of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, but, and this I only learned many years later, on account of me. But even such a symptom as this is really nothing extraordinary. How many friends have not had similar experiences when a woman has come between them! A year after our first meeting GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I were married. We were still very young—I barely twenty, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator two or three years younger. What did we know of life, of people? We were indescribably happy in each other's society.
"I recollect one evening in the first years of our marriage—we were then living
in a studio which commanded a wide view over Copenhagen—GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator was reading to me a primitive fable out of
antiquity. It ran somewhat like this: 'HermesHermes (fictional), in Greek mythology, son of Zeus and messenger of the gods,
the darling of the gods, had a son, and AphroditeAphrodites (fictional), in Greek mythology, the goddess of love and beauty proclaimed
by Homer to be the daughter of Zeus, the divine beauty, a daughter. The two children were
perfect models of beauty. Yet they had never seen each other before when one day
they confronted each other in the Wood of the Gods. The girl was immediately
enamoured of the boy; but the boy fled from her. However fast she ran after him,
he ran faster still. In despair the divine
[Page 63]
maiden turned to ZeusZeus (fictional), in Greek mythology, the king of the gods
and bewailed to him her love torment. "I love him, father, but he has fled from
me. He will have nothing to do with me. Oh, father, grant that I become one with
him." And ZeusZeus (fictional), in Greek mythology, the king of the gods heard the prayer of the divine
child, and he raised his arm, and the next moment the shy son of HermesHermes (fictional), in Greek mythology, son of Zeus and messenger of the gods stood before the Olympian, and AphroditeAphrodites (fictional), in Greek mythology, the goddess of love and beauty proclaimed
by Homer to be the daughter of Zeus's daughter shouted with glee, embraced
the trembling youngster—and again ZeusZeus (fictional), in Greek mythology, the king of the gods raised
his arm—both melted into each other. When HermesHermes (fictional), in Greek mythology, son of Zeus and messenger of the gods and AphroditeAphrodites (fictional), in Greek mythology, the goddess of love and beauty proclaimed
by Homer to be the daughter of Zeus
sought after their children, they found a blissfully smiling divine child. "It
is my son!" cried HermesHermes (fictional), in Greek mythology, son of Zeus and messenger of the gods. "No, it is my
daughter!" cried AphroditeAphrodites (fictional), in Greek mythology, the goddess of love and beauty proclaimed
by Homer to be the daughter of Zeus. They were both
right.
![[Page 63]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_063.jpg){kind=link}
"'You know,' said GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator to me, 'I love you so much that I should like you and me to be one being.'
"About this time GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator painted the portrait of the then popular actress in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional), modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, friend of the Wegeners. One day AnnaAnna Larsen (fictional), modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, friend of the Wegeners was unable to attend the appointed sitting. On the telephone she asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, who was somewhat vexed: 'Cannot AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter pose as a model for the lower part of the picture? His legs and feet are as pretty as mine.'
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator laughed. Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional), modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, friend of the Wegeners was aware that once, when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was painting a picture of a woman, I had been obliged to come to her assistance with my legs. But it had really only been a question of drapery. 'You really have very pretty woman's legs,' GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had said to me jokingly.
"While GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator was talking to Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional), modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, friend of the
Wegeners on the telephone, I had been busy
cleaning my palette. I was smoking a cigarette and scarcely
[Page 64]
listened when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator informed me of Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional), modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, friend of the
Wegeners's proposal. At first I declined rather shortly. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator chaffed me, abused me, implored me, petted
me, and a few minutes later I was standing in the studio in costume and
high-heeled shoes. We both laughed as though it were a great joke. And to make
the disguise complete, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator fetched out a
carnival wig from the depths of a trunk, a fair, very curly wig, and drew it
over my head. Then she attacked me with rouge and powder, while I submitted
patiently to everything.
![[Page 64]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_064.jpg){kind=link}
"When all was ready we could scarcely believe our eyes. I turned round and stared at myself in a mirror again and again, trying to recognize myself. Was it really possible, I asked myself, that I could be so good-looking? GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator clapped her hands delightedly. 'The most perfect ladies' model,' she cried again and again. 'You look just as if you had never worn anything but women's clothes in your life.'
"And I cannot deny, strange though it may sound, that I enjoyed myself in this disguise. I liked the feel of soft women's clothing; indeed, I seemed to take them as a matter of course. I felt at home in them from the first moment. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator began to paint.
"Then a bell rang in the corridor, and a moment later Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional), modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, friend of the Wegeners rustled into the studio. She had managed to find time.
"She looked at me, but did not recognize the strange lady in front of her. She only recognized her own clothes. Then she uttered a cry of delight and embraced me violently.
"'I haven't seen anything so amusing for a long
EINAR WEGENEREinar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener;
died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931 (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter) AT THE TIME HE BEGAN TO
ASSUME THE NAME OF LILILili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, AND HER FRIEND
CLAUDEClaude Prévost (historical), friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, BEAUGENCYBeaugency (historical), a town on the Loire river in southern France, FRANCEFrance is a western European country whose capital is Paris., 1928 (BEFORE THE OPERATION)
[Page 65]
time,' she declared, and applauded my appearance. She
peeped at me from every angle. I had to turn about and assume every possible
position. Finally she asserted that I was very much prettier as a girl than as a
man. I wore ladies' clothes very much better than male costume. 'Yes,' she
maintained—and I have never forgotten these words, 'you know, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, you were certainly a girl in a former
existence, or else Nature has made a mistake with you this time.'
![[Page 65]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_065.jpg){kind=link}
"She spoke quite slowly, quite deliberately, and it was obvious that she was strangely stirred.
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator gave me a hint to take off the clothes, as Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional), modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, friend of the Wegeners could now pose herself.
"I made a movement to retire; but Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional), modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, friend of the Wegeners held me back. 'No,' she cried, 'I simply could not endure to meet AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter again to-day. We won't even speak of him. Listen, and now I will christen you, my girlie. You shall receive a particularly lovely, musical name. For example, Lili. What do you say to Lili? Henceforth I will call you LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. And we must celebrate this! What do you say, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator?'
"And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator merely nodded, looked now at AnnaAnna Larsen (fictional), modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, friend of the Wegeners, now at the child about to be christened; and then the three of us kept up rejoicings until far into the night—LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's christening night.
"So LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 came into existence, and the name stuck; nor was it merely a question of the name.
"With an extravagant joke, a genuine accident of the studio, if you like, it started, and for many years we played our game with LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
"A few weeks after LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's christening an artists'
ball was held. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator suggested that
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 should go
[Page 66]
in order to be introduced into the larger
world, and she designed a pierrette's costume.
![[Page 66]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_066.jpg){kind=link}
"It was a complete success. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was one of the most popular dancers of the evening. An officer paid her special attentions. Eventually he called her out for every dance, and towards midnight he became somewhat obtrusive. Then LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 tried to disclose her secret. It availed her nothing—the officer simply would not believe her! When she managed to escape, she fell out of the frying-pan into the fire. A fresh cavalier caught hold of her, and would not let her go. On the spot he requested permission to kiss her, at least, on the neck. When at length she escaped from his clutches, the pierrette costume bore some trace of the struggle.
"Another remarkable fact came to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's notice during this ball—the attitude of the female sex towards her. Several times she had regarded with a friendly smile such ladies as she found attractive. But most of them had returned her confident look with an icy stare. She was perplexed, and at last inquired of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator whether she had behaved herself badly, whether she looked impossible. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator said with a smile, 'Our stupid LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 is very young. She does not yet know the malice and mistrust of women towards other women.'
"It was the first time that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was conscious of possessing a separate personality. And out of this amusing incident came something like a presentiment. How often have my thoughts wandered back to that far-off evening!
"But this evening yielded another experience, which was no less characteristic.
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 were preparing to return home. In the search for her cloak LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ran into the arms of a tall painter who belonged to the academyHauwitz (fictional), no known historical model. He was one of my four studio comrades. For heaven's sake, what could I do to prevent the secret from being discovered? LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 behaved as if she had not seen him. He seized her, squeezed her, and pressed half a dozen kisses on her neck. This time I came to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's assistance. A few well-armed blows caught the insolent fellow right on the face . . . . HauwitzHauwitz (fictional), no known historical model was the man's name.
"When I entered the class in the academyArt Academy (fictional), modeled on The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, where Einar and Gerda Wegener studied and met the following day, I found the comrades in the thick of a discussion of the carnival night. HauwitzHauwitz (fictional), no known historical model was the most enthusiastic of them all. He recounted his experiences in the grand manner.
"'But where were you hiding yesterday?' he attacked me at once. The others, too, asked me why I had not been present, especially as GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had been there.
"I explained that I had not felt well. Anyhow, I knew that the comrades enjoyed themselves very much, especially HauwitzHauwitz (fictional), no known historical model, who had courted a pierretteLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 very ardently.
"How did I know that, threw in HauwitzHauwitz (fictional), no known historical model, flattered: a man could not move, it seemed, without giving rise to gossip; who, then, has been so indiscreet as to betray his little adventure?
"'I know you're a famous heart-breaker,' said I. 'Let's hear all about it.'
"At first HauwitzHauwitz (fictional), no known historical model refused chivalrously. 'I hope I'm a gentleman. Moreover, the pierretteLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was really a fabulous person.'
"He simpered and winked at me expectantly.
[Page 68]
The others crowded round him. 'Fire away,
HauwitzHauwitz (fictional), no known historical model,' they encouraged him.
![[Page 68]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_068.jpg){kind=link}
"'No; friend SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter seems to know all about it. Ask him,' he replied meaningly.
"'But, my dear HauwitzHauwitz (fictional), no known historical model, please do not misunderstand me. I should be the last to give anyone away,' I retorted, inquiring at the same time: 'Was she really so pretty, then?'
"'You can suppose as much as you like,' broke out HauwitzHauwitz (fictional), no known historical model. 'You cannot go too far in your suppositions. An unheard of thing!'
"Whereupon he relapsed into silence, which was more eloquent than the coarsest boasting.
"To my intimate friends I afterwards confessed who the pierretteLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was. HauwitzHauwitz (fictional), no known historical model was only initiated into the secret much later, after he had found further opportunity to pose as CasanovaCasanova (historical), Giacomo Girolamo Casanova (1725-1798), an Italian author and womanizer.
"This ball was followed by others, at which LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 became accustomed to her rôle with growing success. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator titivated her each time, so that this strange creature who had suddenly emerged in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark artistic circles began to cause a stir. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 gradually became indispensable to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. For, strange as all this may now sound, it was not I who dressed up as LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, but both for me and for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 very soon became a perfectly independent person, in fact, a playmate for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, her own playmate and her toy at the same time.
"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and I became two beings. If LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was not there, we spoke of her as of a third
person. And when LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was there—that is, when I
was not there—I was spoken of between her and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator as of a third person. And soon our most intimate
[Page 69]
friends learned all this. But it was still a game for
many years.
![[Page 69]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_069.jpg){kind=link}
"In the depths of her soul GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator is utterly melancholy. And to banish such feeling she summoned her playmate LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, was, in fact, carelessness and serenity personified. Gradually LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 became equally important to her mistress in the capacity of a model; indeed—I can say it calmly now—LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 has been GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's favourite model. Whether it was chance or not, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had more and more success with pictures for which LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 posed as model. And she began to see in LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 a kind of mascot, a talisman that brought luck. A large number of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's pictures and drawings originated at that time in our first studio in Copenhagen, in which LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 appears as model in a hundred different poses. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's artistic fame spread. But nobody knew who was concealed behind the model. Legends sprang up around it. Rumour also began to whisper, without, however, discovering the track of the secret.
"A well-known writer asserted that the model LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was no creature of flesh and blood at all, but merely a female type, upon which GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's imagination had fastened, and therefore an empty caprice.
"Only a few suspected the connection. But nobody knew anything definite about the mystery of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931—with the exception of Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional), modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, friend of the Wegeners, who, however, had been sworn to silence. She kept her word.
"One day GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator received an invitation from ParisParis (historical), capital of France to exhibit her 'LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 sketches'.
"And so the three of us were transplanted to ParisParis (historical), capital of France: GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, I, and—LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931."
VII.
"Before our removal to ParisParis (historical), capital of France we had already made several journeys abroad.
Whenever we were able to spare sufficient money from the sale of our pictures—we were extremely frugal in our mode of living—we had travelled South, to study, to paint, and to become acquainted with the world. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had not been with us upon any of these trips. There were too many new things to see for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I to find any time to devote to her. But as soon as we found ourselves again in our native studio, she reappeared—and then we had to acknowledge every time that we had really missed her.
"We spent almost a whole year in ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome. without LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. It was the most carefree year which I ever passed with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. The romance of the South was an indescribably splendid revelation to us two children of the North.
"How could we find time to . . . play? GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was at that time serenity itself. In ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome.'s wonderland she never felt oppressed. She needed no distraction. Hence LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was not conjured up by her.
"And yet LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was probably more than ever closely
bound up with us both. Only it was no longer a pastime. About that time I began
to undergo a change in myself, the nature of which I did
[Page 71]
not then realize. I first became aware of it through
my influence upon others . . . in ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome. just at that time. In FlorenceFlorence (historical), city in Italy an unfortunate person approached me. He was a wealthy foreigner. One
day, after he had been dogging me for weeks, he spoke to me and suggested that I
should take up my quarters in his villa, where I could pursue my studies as a
painter to my heart's content. I declined politely, but very firmly. After that
I saw him frequently. I was always with a lady, either with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator or in the company of a strikingly beautiful Sicilian. A very little
more and I should have been obliged to challenge this poor creature
to a duel with pistols.
![[Page 71]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_071.jpg){kind=link}
"In RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy I had a similar adventure. In that city an American millionaire wanted me to accompany him to EgyptEgypt (historical), a country in northeast Africa whose capital is Cairo.. He pestered not only me, but also GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. He sailed alone to AlexandriaAlexandria (historical), a city in Egypt.
"Never before had I been placed in such delicate situations. Why this happened just then in ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome. I only realized much later. When Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist recently saw in ParisParis (historical), capital of France a number of photographs taken of me during recent years, including some taken on my first Italian trip, he pointed to these very pictures with the words: 'That was when LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 could be distinctly recognized in appearance for the first time.'
"In due course we returned to ParisParis (historical), capital of France.
"In the neighborhood of the Ecole des Beaux ArtsEcole des Beaux Arts (historical), École nationale supérieure des Beaux-Arts, the most famous school of the fine arts in Paris, on the left bank of the SeineBanks of the Seine (historical); a river that runs through Paris, we stayed in one of the numerous small hotelsHôtel D’Alsace (historical), small hotel in Saint Germain, Paris. The landlord and his wife were not attractive, but their charming little daughter was like a ravishing kitten. Their like is only to be found in ParisParis (historical), capital of France.
"Two pleasant rooms, painted bright red and greyish colours, were assigned to us. One of them overlooked an old neglected garden, and had a mysterious alcove, with red-diapered curtains. The factotum of the hotelHôtel D’Alsace (historical), small hotel in Saint Germain, Paris, JeanJean (fictional), no known historical model by name, lost no time in telling us that Oscar WildeOscar Wilde (1854-1900), an Irish-born prominent British playwright and author imprisoned for “gross indecency” (homosexuality) in 1897 had spent his last days in these two rooms. He had died in the alcove with the red-diapered curtains. As JeanJean (fictional), no known historical model was telling us this, the tears ran down his ill-shorn cheeks. He had reason to regret Oscar WildeOscar Wilde (1854-1900), an Irish-born prominent British playwright and author imprisoned for “gross indecency” (homosexuality) in 1897's death. Many a twenty-franc piece had been given him by the unfortunate poet, with which to buy a few sous' worth of cigarettes, and he had never been asked for the change, he added, as a delicate hint to us.
"For GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I these two quiet rooms were altogether delightful. We often sat in front of the broad window overlooking the garden and read page after page of the works of the poet, whom I had admired for many years. Gradually GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I came to know "De Profundis" and "The Ballad of Reading Gaol" by heart. They were lovely evenings.
"Quite close to the hotelHôtel D’Alsace (historical), small hotel in Saint Germain, Paris we found our favourite café, 'Chateau neuf du PapeChâteau neuf du Pape (fictional), no known historical analogue', where art students mainly foregathered. A very modest little restaurant; but one could dine sumptuously there for one franc thirty. The wine was included in the price. Here we met our first Parisian friends.
"Shortly afterwards GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was invited by the editor to contribute to a well-known Parisian illustrated periodical. He had, in fact, seen GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's pictures and sketches at her first exhibition in ParisParis (historical), capital of France.
FRENCH LANDSCAPE BY EINAR WEGENEREinar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener; died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931 (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter), 1929
Page 73
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was all on fire to begin her contributions immediately. But what should she offer? How quickly could she hunt up a suitable model?
"She looked at me inquiringly, hesitated a few moments, and then said: 'What do you think if LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 . . .'
"I confess that I was at first somewhat surprised. I too had forgotten LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 in the midst of the hubbub of ParisParis (historical), capital of France, just as I had during our first Italian trip. Here in ParisParis (historical), capital of France GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had hitherto not required the company of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 either for the purposes of her work or by way of distraction.
"'Very good,' I said; 'but what shall she put on?'
"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's 'outfit' had been left behind in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. Quite apart from the fact that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was considerably bigger than the very dainty GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, the strictest separation of property was observed by us with regard to the wardrobe.
"The most necessary things for LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 were quickly procured. She was not a little proud of her first real Parisian costume.
"Thus she came to life again in the heart of ParisParis (historical), capital of France. The sketches for which she sat as model were successful. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was radiant. She obtained considerable prices for her work and we were able to rent a pleasant studio for ourselves. We settled in ParisParis (historical), capital of France, and built up our circle of friends and acquaintances.
"I too was now painting a great deal, partly in ParisParis (historical), capital of France, partly in VersaillesVersailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris, where we passed the warm summer months.
"A few happy and harmonious years were now in store for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator and me. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 only appeared
in
[Page 74]
our midst when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator urgently needed her as a model. We earned good money, and
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator could hire 'strange models'.
![[Page 74]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_074.jpg){kind=link}
"When we had put aside sufficient money for an educational tour, we set out again for ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome.. Our objective was CapriCapri (histoical), island off Italy in the Gulf of Naples. For years we had been longing to become acquainted with this paradise of sunshine.
"Scarcely had we arrived there than to our great delight we ran up against a painter from FlorenceFlorence (historical), city in Italy whose acquaintance we had made during our first Italian journey. NinoNino (fictional), no known historical model we called him. Henceforth we were inseparable. Within a few days we had more acquaintances among the cosmopolitan artists with whom CapriCapri (histoical), island off Italy in the Gulf of Naples was teeming than was always agreeable. Three or four times a day we met at the 'Morgano'Morgano (fictional), no known historical analogue, and evening after evening we played chess and draughts. It went without saying that we mustered our full strength during bathing-hours on the tiny beach at Piccola Marina.
"Here we met one day a Scotsman, who always appeared in the company of a very pretty boy. When bathing the boy was transformed, to our astonishment, into a very nice girl.
"'Just what I expected,' declared a Venetian sculptor who belonged to our clique when this revelation burst upon us. 'I knew it from the start! A girl cannot impersonate a man, neither can a man impersonate a girl. Those who have eyes to see can detect the deception immediately. Some superficial thing always gives the game away.' The man's name was FavioFavio (fictional), no known historical model.
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator threw me a saucy look. I understood
[Page 75]
what it meant. At the hour of promenade the next
afternoon GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator appeared in the company of
a tall, slender young lady whom no one had hitherto seen in CapriCapri (histoical), island off Italy in the Gulf of Naples. They
strolled past the 'Morgano'Morgano (fictional), no known historical analogue, where
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator had to return many curious
greetings from friends and acquaintances. Suddenly Signora FavioSignora Favio (fictional), wife of Favio, no known historical model, the sculptor's wife, spoke to the two ladies,
inquired after me, and expressed the hope that I was not ill, as no one had seen
me that day. Would GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator and I like to come
to a social evening at her villa near Monte Tiberio?
![[Page 75]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_075.jpg){kind=link}
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator regretted that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had been obliged to go to NaplesNaples (historical), city in Italy to attend to some important business, and he would not be back until early the following morning.
"Then she introduced her companion—'Mademoiselle Lili CortaudLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 . . . Signora FavioSignora Favio (fictional), wife of Favio, no known historical model.'
"The signoraSignora Favio (fictional), wife of Favio, no known historical model had achieved her aim, and she hastened to invite Mademoiselle LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 with Madame SparreGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator to the social evening. We accepted with pleasure.
"The mystification succeeded beyond all expectation. Grete's French friendLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was welcomed with extreme cordiality by the whole company. A well-known Norwegian lady novelist pledged Mademoiselle LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 in a lively toast as 'the most perfect incarnation of French charm and Parisian elegance'. She did not stir from LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's side. She invited LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to visit her in NorwayNorway is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Oslo..
"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator were both delighted, for the enchanting, perhaps I should say the piquant, thing about this new friendship was that this passionate Norwegian had hitherto shown a striking aversion to me.
"In the following days Grete's French friendLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 gave a few more performances. In order to explain my continued absence, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator told everybody who was curious on the point that her friend LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and I did not get on at all well together. But CapriCapri (histoical), island off Italy in the Gulf of Naples is a small place, and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was soon obliged to 'depart', in order to leave the field clear for me. FavioFavio (fictional), no known historical model and all the others remained completely unsuspecting.
"When we returned to ParisParis (historical), capital of France, it frequently happened that after GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had employed her as a model during the hours of daylight, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 remained in bed during the whole evening. And if one or other of our intimate friends dropped in, she did not, as formerly, fly into another room, but stayed where she was and where the others were, and behaved charmingly.
"Gradually everybody came to like her. She was, as GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was always obliged to acknowledge, the good fairy of all our little studio festivities.
"But everybody made a great distinction between LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and me. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's female friends, who treated me with almost ceremonial propriety, embraced LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and petted her. So did GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's and my male friends.
"It was also strange that when LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 found herself among GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's lady friends—who, like herself, were artists almost without exception— she felt the most feminine of them all. At first the friends laughed somewhat heartily at this fact, but gradually observed that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's feeling was genuine.
"And thus it came to pass that month after month LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 insisted with growing stubbornness on her rights, and gave place to me with increasing reluctance.
"In the Salon d'AutomneSalon d'Automne (historical), annual art exhibit in Paris begun in 1903, where we both
[Page 77]
exhibited, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator
and I had met a French sculptor, Jean TempêteJean Tempête (fictional), modeled on Léon Leyritz (1888-1976), French sculptor and
friend of the Wegeners. This acquaintance was to lead to new experiences for
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
![[Page 77]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_077.jpg){kind=link}
"He possessed a summer-house in a small town on the Loire. Assisted by a number of friends, he intended giving a theatrical performance upon the tiny stage of this small town for charitable purposes. BalgencieBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern France was the name of the place.
"He invited GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I to take part.
"It proved to be a delightful drive. The small town was a miniature RothenburgRothenburg (historical), a medieval town in Bavaria.
"The 'theatre', which was to be occupied by us that same evening, looked from the outside like a tobacco shop with a café attached. The interior was usually let for cinematograph exhibitions and dances. As there was only one piece of scenery, which, moreover, was useless for our purpose, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was immediately appointed scene-painter. With lightning rapidity she sketched the stage scenery for the revue, which had been composed by Jean TempêteJean Tempête (fictional), modeled on Léon Leyritz (1888-1976), French sculptor and friend of the Wegeners himself.
"At six o'clock in the evening everything was ready, and at nine o'clock the performance was to begin.
"At seven o'clock TempêteJean Tempête (fictional), modeled on Léon Leyritz (1888-1976), French sculptor and friend of the Wegeners and I repaired to the station, in order to fetch the only member of our company who was still missing, a young lady artist who for some reason or other had not been able to travel with the others. She had to play a minor part, that of a typical Parisienne.
"The train arrived, but our Parisienne was not on board. It was the last train before the performance.
"TempêteJean Tempête (fictional), modeled on Léon Leyritz (1888-1976), French sculptor and friend of the Wegeners raved. Small as the part was, without the player the piece would collapse.
"'Then we must ask GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator to step into the breach,' I declared.
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I, who had only been invited to join the travelling party at the eleventh hour, did not belong to the company of players.
"'An excellent idea!' exclaimed TempêteJean Tempête (fictional), modeled on Léon Leyritz (1888-1976), French sculptor and friend of the Wegeners, and the moment he entered the so-called hotel where we had found accommodation, he pounced upon GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. Completely exhausted by her scene-painting, she was lying on a rickety sofa.
"'Out of the question,' she declared. 'With the best will in the world, I cannot do it.' Then she gave me a furtive look. 'But perhaps . . . LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 can?'
"'Who is LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931?' asked TempêteJean Tempête (fictional), modeled on Léon Leyritz (1888-1976), French sculptor and friend of the Wegeners. They all asked the same question.
"'Don't worry about that. The main thing is that she comes. She can play the part without any trouble,' GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator assured the curious circle. She caught hold of TempêteJean Tempête (fictional), modeled on Léon Leyritz (1888-1976), French sculptor and friend of the Wegeners, drew him aside, and gave him the necessary explanations. He shook with laughter, promised to hold his tongue, and then it was arranged that while LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was being dressed he should initiate her into the part of the fast-dyed Parisienne in the seclusion of an hotel sitting-room.
"When evening came and the revue was launched in front of a crowded audience, not
a soul in the hall suspected that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was not a genuine Parisienne. Moreover, the poetically minded chemist of Balgencie, who was a member of the charity
committee, was so enthusiastic over
[Page 79]
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 that he sent a box of violet soap to the
unknown beauty at her hotel.
![[Page 79]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_079.jpg){kind=link}
"On this evening LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 became acquainted with her truest friend, Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, the tenor of the revue. He was the comic character of the evening. His mere appearance on the stage unloosed a storm of merriment. He was the only real artiste in this company of amateurs; that is to say, he was the only member of it who was not an amateur.
"Earlier in the day I had already noticed this young artiste, who with his droll, lightning wit might have bobbed up in any MontmartreMontmartre (historical), a hilltop section of Paris, renowned locate for artists and intellectuals in the 1920s bar. He had completely irregular features and colourless, somewhat deep-set eyes, the whole capped by a funny, pointed nose. At first glance he would probably appear ugly, but if one looked at him somewhat longer one would become conscious of a remarkable geniality and kindliness which his whole personality radiated.
"If anything he had given me (AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter) the cold shoulder, but his conduct towards LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was of quite another character.
"It went without saying that, like the rest of his colleagues from ParisParis (historical), capital of France, he was soon 'in the picture'. As for the rest, discretion was observed.
"And the citizens, who had arranged a charity ball after the performance was
over, of which we 'Parisians' were to form the centre of attraction, saw in
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, who at the desire of all the
company
had remained in her stage costume, the typical Parisienne. Wherever she showed
herself, she was treated with exquisite courtesy. She enjoyed herself immensely.
She was sought after more than
[Page 80]
any other dancer at the ball. When at length
she found she could skip a dance, Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923 made his way towards her, bowed in his most amusing way,
then, in order to show the most serious face in the world, screwed his monocle
tighter into his eye, even blushed a little, and said almost solemnly:
'Mademoiselle, may I, as soon as you have somewhat recovered, solicit the honour
of being your dancing partner a number of times in succession?' LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 looked at him somewhat surprised, and then
nodded. And during this night they danced together many times. They were both
about the same height. During the dancing they scarcely spoke a word to each
other. They danced, completely surrendering themselves to the rhythm of the
dance.
![[Page 80]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_080.jpg){kind=link}
"When the last dance was over, Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 bowed very low before LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, blushed again, and said: 'Mademoiselle, may I hope you will honour the excursion we are making to-morrow with your presence?'
"The other comrades also begged LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, and she promised with a smile. Only the 'Parisians' took part in this excursion, otherwise LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 could hardly have been present. The day passed in perfect harmony, and it was arranged that everybody should meet again in BalgencieBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern France on the first of August, to spend their holidays together on the banks of the LoireBanks of Loire River (historical); the longest river in France. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was specially invited. She promised, on behalf of her brother AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. By this name LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 henceforth called—me.
" That evening we returned to ParisParis (historical), capital of France
"In August the 'ParisParis (historical), capital of France gang', as we were
henceforward called, half admiringly, half apprehensively,
EINAR WEGENEREinar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener;
died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931 (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter), 1929
[Page 81]
conquered the little townBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern
France, together with the delightful bathing-placeBanks of Loire River (historical); the longest river in France. The
thermometer registered 85 degrees in the shade. Frequently we were obliged to
prolong our day into the night, which was all the more amusing as by ten o'clock
in the evening the little townBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern
France was
shrouded in darkness, whether the moon was full or new.
![[Page 81]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_081.jpg){kind=link}
"The so-called respectable society of BalgencieBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern France kept at a distance from us, with the exception of Monsieur RenéMonsieur René (fictional), possibly modeled on a deputy mayor of Beaugency, Henri René Goujon, the deputy mayor. The 'proper' civic chief had been obliged for a long time to shift the official business on to the broad shoulders of Monsieur RenéMonsieur René (fictional), possibly modeled on a deputy mayor of Beaugency, Henri René Goujon, owing to chronic stomach trouble. Monsieur RenéMonsieur René (fictional), possibly modeled on a deputy mayor of Beaugency, Henri René Goujon, as everybody in the town called him, was a bachelor. He took part in all our nocturnal excursions through the environs of his town, and it was he who during those August days submitted to the town councillors solemnly assembled in the town hall a proposal to organize, with the help of the 'ParisParis (historical), capital of France gang', another civic function for charitable purposes. The proposal was unanimously accepted. The next day solemn invitations were delivered to Jean TempêteJean Tempête (fictional), modeled on Léon Leyritz (1888-1976), French sculptor and friend of the Wegeners, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, and me, as well as to a few other prominent members of our party, to devise a programme for the function. We resolved to organize a water-carnival, with flower-bedecked boats, on the LoireLoire River (historical), the longest river in France. CupidCupid (fictional), the god of love in classical mythology's boat was to sail at the head of the procession of boats.
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator received instructions to prepare CupidCupid (fictional), the god of love in classical mythology's boat.
"Monsieur RenéMonsieur René (fictional), possibly modeled on a deputy mayor of Beaugency, Henri
René Goujon placed at our disposal an old
broad-bottomed boat, as well as a boathouse, together with his wine cellar. When
the rather
[Page 82]
shabby boat was at length transformed into
CupidCupid (fictional), the god of love in classical mythology's festive gondola—the sail was a
large red heart—and the launching had taken place, it transpired that, owing to
its splendid, as well as very weighty, equipment, the craft was extremely
difficult to steer. At BalgencieBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern
France
the LoireLoire River (historical), the longest river in France is very impetuous, and treacherous
winds render a sail rather dangerous. It was therefore necessary for CupidCupid (fictional), the god of love in classical mythology, as well as his attendant, to be strong
swimmers. As no practised and daring swimmer could be discovered among the young
ladies of the town, Jean TempêteJean Tempête (fictional), modeled on Léon Leyritz (1888-1976), French sculptor and
friend of the Wegeners very
discreetly asked me if I could not assume CupidCupid (fictional), the god of love in classical mythology's rôle, provided Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923 was assigned to me as squire. I was known to be an
excellent swimmer. I promised on behalf of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931
and also of ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923, who had meanwhile
become a good friend of ours.
![[Page 82]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_082.jpg){kind=link}
"Thus on the banks of this ancient townshipBanks of Loire River (historical); the longest river in France, into which Joan of ArcJoan of Arc (1412-1431), soldier in the Hundred Years’ War and a Roman Catholic saint; fought in the Battle of Beaugency in 1429 had made her entry as a warrior in steel and iron centuries before, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was dressed up as the boy CupidCupid (fictional), the god of love in classical mythology. . . . The carnival took place in glorious midsummer weather. The whole population stood on the shore and greeted CupidCupid (fictional), the god of love in classical mythology with frantic cheers as he sailed in triumph upon the smooth glassy surface of the LoireLoire River (historical), the longest river in France. With his golden bow he shot a rain of arrows at the thousands of heads peeping through the trellis-work on the shore. And everybody believed that behind CupidCupid (fictional), the god of love in classical mythology's mask was concealed the typical Parisienne from the revue of the last charity performance.
"Upon ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923 had devolved the task,
after the carnival was over, of conducting LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931
to her hotel through a crowd wild with enthusiasm,
[Page 83]
and when at length he brought her intact to her room,
he looked at her long and then said, very quietly: 'However you dress up and
whatever you want to make me believe, you are a genuine girl.'
![[Page 83]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_083.jpg){kind=link}
"He stopped, startled at his own temerity. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 stared at him.
"'What is the matter, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923?' she asked.
"'Nothing,' he said quietly, 'nothing at all. Or it is something? But if I told LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 what I was just thinking and what I have been thinking all day, her brother AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter would certainly be very angry with me.'
"Then he went, and when we saw each other again the following morning he looked at me shyly and kept out of my way. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had again disappeared.
"Year after year we all met again at BalgencieBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern
France, where I gradually became accustomed to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's and my double experience. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 took part in the festivities and excursions. I painted very
industriously, swam and drank many glasses of wine with the notabilities of the
town. I had many friends there. All the inhabitants of the town knew me and were
delighted to recognize their houses and gardens and themselves in pictures of
mine, which might subsequently hang in the autumn exhibitions of ParisParis (historical), capital of France. But nobody in the town suspected the identity
of the slender ParisienneLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 who now and then
strolled with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator and ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923 through the alleys of the town and out
into the country. These trips were among LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's
most delightful recollections. In the early dawn, before any bedroom window was
opened, the three of them
[Page 84]
would march out into the summer morning, and not until
late in the evening, when the town had long since retired to rest, did they
return, tired and happy. ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923 was
then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator's and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's most delightful cavalier; he was their brother and
protector, and the friendship between them became ever more intimate and
permanent, a friendship which stood every test.
![[Page 84]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_084.jpg){kind=link}
"It went without saying that this 'triple alliance' continued in ParisParis (historical), capital of France. Every Sunday ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 made his appearance, when he was the guest of the studio for the whole of the day. And in accordance with an unwritten law, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 always received him at the door in the corridor. If, however, she was, by a rare chance, absent, and I had to open the door to him, we greeted each other in a very comradely way; he gave me his hand, asked about this and that; but I could always remark his disappointment. In the studio he would then look at my pictures, although quite cursorily; politics and similar topics were touched on in conversation and even the latest Parisian scandal. But it did not last long, at the most a quarter of an hour, and then ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 would look at me somewhat uncertainly. 'I have not yet said good day to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator.' And then he would disappear into the little kitchen to join GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator.
"But if LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 opened the door to him on Sundays, he would at once go with her into the kitchen.
"In this connection I recall a little incident which happened just at that time.
"ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923 had come to see us one weekday
evening. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator was not at home. I then
suggested to him that we should visit some amusing dancing-bar
[Page 85]
in the Quartier LatinQuartier Saint Germain (historical), also known as the Latin Quarter (see D1), section
of Paris
together. We landed in the Gipsy BarGipsy Bar (fictional), no known historical analogue,
where ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923 ordered the speciality of
the house, namely a coffin-nail. This
cocktail
was not unworthy of its very promising name. A frequent repetition of the
enjoyment of this drink during a day or a night is calculated to curtail
considerably our sojourn here below. Perhaps it was this drink which prompted us
to try out a new dance which ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923 had
recently seen somewhere. Moreover, it was the first time that he had danced with
me. We had scarcely taken the first step before
the manager made a dash at us and requested us to stop
dancing immediately. The gentlemen must excuse him; he knew us both very well,
but in his establishment, unfortunately, they did not allow two gentlemen to
dance together.
![[Page 85]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_085.jpg){kind=link}
"We duly explained to the strict gentleman that all we were concerned about was trying out a new dance. He answered: 'Messieurs, I am sorry, but gentlemen are not allowed to dance together here. If I permitted it only for one occasion, and I know that in your case I am dealing with irreproachable gentlemen, my establishment would be over-run by persons of a certain type and its reputation would suffer injury.'
" We sat down again with a laugh, ordered a harmless apéritif, and then went home.
" The next evening GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, and ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 visited the dancing-barGipsy Bar (fictional), no known historical analogue. ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 had, in the meantime, taught both ladies the same dance, and shortly after entering the bar ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 executed the extremely complicated dance without a hitch, amid the vigorous applause of the manager.
"Then he came over to ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923's table, made a polite bow to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, and especially to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, and said: 'I hope that your friend, whom I am sorry not to see with you to-day, has not avoided my establishment because he was irritated at the little incident of yesterday evening. Monsieur will understand."
"'Oh, we understand,' answered ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, 'and I can assure you that my friendAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter is not annoyed in the least.'
"And the manager turned to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931: 'May I offer Mademoiselle my heartiest congratulations? Mademoiselle dances charmingly, charmingly." And then, turning to ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923: 'Monsieur will admit that his partner of yesterday cannot be compared in the least with Mademoiselle.'
"In connection with this amusing encounter I must tell you about another experience, which also happened about this time.
"Together with ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923 and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was
sometimes invited to a smart artists'
club. The
club evening usually consisted of a meal followed by a ball. One evening,
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator being tired, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 went there alone with ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923, at his urgent request. A lady who was an intimate friend
of ours and knew me as well as LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931—for the
rest, nobody in the club suspected our double existence—made a point this
evening of introducing LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to a number of
gentlemen, including her cousincousin (fictional), historical figure unidentified, a nobleman who was no longer quite young.
Hitherto LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had declined to make fresh
acquaintances on these club evenings, which were rare events for her. She was
happy enough dancing with ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923, and
did not need any other partners. Yet, before she could decline, her friend
fetched her cousin: 'My cousin, le Comte de TrempeComte de Trempe (fictional), no known historical model
[Page 87]
—la Baronne Lili de CortaudLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931.' The gallant CountComte de Trempe (fictional), no known historical model
immediately challenged LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to a fox-trot. This
dance was followed by several more. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 could
not refuse. ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923 nodded to her
merrily. Thus it happened that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 danced with
her new cavalier until far into the night. When at length, completely exhausted,
she said farewell to him 'for the present', with the most solemn face in the
world he begged 'Madame la BaronneLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931', who, as his
cousin had whispered, was staying with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator for a few days, to allow him to pay his respects to her
the following day. What else could LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 do than
make the best of a bad job?
![[Page 87]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_087.jpg){kind=link}
"When LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 reached home, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was fast asleep.
"The next morning, while LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was telling GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator about her conquest in the club, the bell rang in the corridor. The CountComte de Trempe (fictional), no known historical model appeared; he made profuse apologies—GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had opened the door—in case he was intruding, but he only wanted to inquire after the health of her guest, the Baroness Lili de CortaudLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator regretted sincerely that her visitor had already gone out, and showed the CountComte de Trempe (fictional), no known historical model into the studio, where he immediately discovered portraits of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 all over the place. He was beside himself with enthusiasm. Might he wait until the BaronessLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 returned? GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator assured him that this would be a useless undertaking, as her visitor, who was also her sister-in-lawLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, had been invited to dinner with friends.
"'Oh,' the CountComte de Trempe (fictional), no known historical model then exclaimed, 'so your husband—Monsieur SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter—is brother to the BaronessLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.'
"In her distress GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was obliged to admit this fact.
"'When may I perhaps have the pleasure of calling on Monsieur SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter?' asked the CountComte de Trempe (fictional), no known historical model, almost flurried.
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator promised to let him know soon through his cousin.
"The following day—we were taking tea in our studio with a few friends and were just discussing LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's involuntary experience—the corridor bell rang again. The CountComte de Trempe (fictional), no known historical model!
"'I am sincerely delighted,' he began at once in his ceremonious way, 'to pay you a visit' (I could scarcely find time to usher him in). 'As I have already told Madame SparreGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, the day before yesterday I made the acquaintance of your sister, the charming BaronessLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, and I am most anxious to see her again.'
"Of course it was now very difficult to keep up the pose, but we succeeded in doing so, and I replied: 'My sister will certainly be sorry to have missed the pleasure of shaking hands with you again, monsieur.'
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and our visitors had great difficulty in strangling an outburst of Homeric laughter. I had to throw them a warning look. Without thinking, I continued: 'Unfortunately, we are seeing very little of our sister these days, invited everywhere . . . very much sought after . . . scarcely home before midnight.'
"'Yes, I quite understand that,' said the CountComte de Trempe (fictional), no known historical model, looking at me searchingly. My heart felt like an anvil
trembling under the strokes of a hammer. He went on, speaking slowly and
blinking through
[Page 89]
his monocle at every word: 'It is very strange
that you are brother and sister, for Madame de CortaudLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 does not resemble you in the least, my dear sir.'
![[Page 89]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_089.jpg){kind=link}
"I agreed emphatically, and gave GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator an imploring look to keep a straight face. I had just finished a lengthy and prolix assurance that my sister and I did not resemble each other in the least, when the CountComte de Trempe (fictional), no known historical model addressed to me an inquiry as to whether my sister was, as his cousin intimated to him, not engaged, was really free.
"Foolishly enough I did not contest this point.
"Whereupon he made an exemplary bow and, without beating about the bush, declared: 'Then, monsieur, I have the honour of offering the BaronessLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 my hand.'
"I thanked him in the name of my sister and promised to inform her of his flattering offer. He then withdrew, amidst the exchange of numerous compliments.
"A moment later our studio was rocking with the roaring laughter of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and our visitors.
"I did not join in. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's experience at the ball was taking her out of her depth. I had to think of a way out.
"'Quite simple,' cried GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, whose laughter had brought tears into her eyes. 'I will tell the cousin to inform the CountComte de Trempe (fictional), no known historical model that his lady-love has been suddenly obliged to leave for CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark for very urgent family reasons. For the present a return to ParisParis (historical), capital of France is out of the question.'
"And so it happened. A few postcards which we caused to be posted to the CountComte de Trempe (fictional), no known historical model by a friend in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, who had to forge LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's 'handwriting',
[Page 90]
gradually convinced him of the 'hopelessness'
of his wooing.
![[Page 90]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_090.jpg){kind=link}
"He never learnt who LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was.
"Even stranger was something that happened at the house of my sister and my brother-in-law in Copenhagen, where we were staying some months later on a visit.
"My little nieceniece (fictional), possibly modelled on Else, daughter of Einar Wegener’s sister had seen pictures of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, and wanted to see this remarkable person for once 'in the life'. So it was arranged that she should be present one Sunday afternoon, which my parents were also to spend with my relatives. My parents had not seen GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and me for a number of years. Consequently fatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener and motherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen) were disappointed to learn on their arrival that I was not expected until later, as I had a very important call to make first. Suddenly the bell rang in the hall. The girl announced that a French lady was in the passage and wanted to speak to Madame Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. The lady was brought in; GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator welcomed her in the most cordial manner. It was a friend from ParisParis (historical), capital of France—unfortunately she only spoke French. And . . . FatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener immediately began a conversation in French! MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen), who made him translate everything to her, was enormously proud of him!
"In the course of the conversation MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen)
suddenly warned FatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener that he should not keep
so close to the window with the lady from ParisParis (historical), capital of France. It was the middle of winter. 'Don't forget,' she said to
FatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener, looking thoughtfully at the lady,
'the lady comes from a much milder climate and is so thinly clad. Please tell
her to sit near the stove.' Then tea was served. And FatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener and MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen) plied
[Page 91]
the foreign visitor with requests for the latest news
from ParisParis (historical), capital of France.
![[Page 91]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_091.jpg){kind=link}
"For a whole hour the 'Parisienne' kept up the deception in front of FatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener and MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen). When she suddenly disclosed her identity, they both covered their faces with their hands. They could no longer trust their own eyes.
"'No, no!' repeated MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen), after a long interval. 'That AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and Mademoiselle LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 from ParisParis (historical), capital of France are one and the same person I cannot believe.'
VIII
"So LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and I continued to live our double life, and no one, neither the 'initiated' nor myself, saw in this anything else than a pleasant kind of distraction and entertainment, a kind of artists' caprice, neither more nor less. We were as little perturbed at the obviously growing distinction, of an emotional kind, which increasingly manifested itself between the mystical girl and myself; nor did anyone take any serious notice of the delicate changes which gradually became perceptible in my physical form.
"But something had been silently preparing in me.
"One evening I said suddenly to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator:
"'Really I cannot imagine what existence would be like if LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 should one day vanish for ever, or if she should no longer look young and beautiful. Then she would no longer have any justification for living at all.'
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator at first looked at me astonished.
Then she nodded and said in her calm, thoughtful way: 'It is strange that you
have mentioned something which has been on my mind a good deal lately. In recent
months I have felt prickings of conscience because I was, to a certain extent,
the cause of creating LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, of enticing her out
of you, and thus becoming responsible for a disharmony in you which
[Page 93]
reveals itself most distinctly on those days when
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 does not appear.'
![[Page 93]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_093.jpg){kind=link}
"I was thunderstruck at GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's words. It was as if she had held up a mirror in front of me.
"'It often happens,' she continued excitedly, 'that when she poses for me as a model a strange feeling comes over me that it is she whom I am creating and forming rather than the girl whom I am representing on my canvas. Sometimes it seems to me that here is something which is stronger than we are, something which makes us powerless and will thrust us aside, as if, indeed, it wanted to be revenged on us for having played with it.'
" GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator broke off. Tears stood in her eyes. 'We have come to a steep part of the road, and I don't know where we shall find foothold,' she cried. I tried to calm her; but I scarcely succeeded, at least, not at once. I spoke and she listened to me. 'What you say is all so terribly true. And the most dangerous thing of all is that I feel it is LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, just LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, who forms the bond between us which has lasted all these years. I do not believe I could survive her.'
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator interrupted me to say that she had very often thought exactly the same, as LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 embodied our common youth and joy in life. She sobbed: 'Sometimes I wonder what life would be without her.'
"We stared at each other, deeply moved by this mutual confession, which had been provoked by many, many weeks of secret brooding.
"'At any rate, I cannot imagine, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator went
on, 'what it would be like for us without LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
[Page 94]
We must not lose her. If she should suddenly
vanish, it would seem like a murder.'
![[Page 94]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_094.jpg){kind=link}
"'The more so as I cannot help feeling that she is on the verge of becoming more vigorous than I am,' I said uneasily.
"Perhaps this conversation had the effect of plunging me into a momentary fit of despondency; but in other respects my health had been excellent during all these years. In spite of the fact that I had never looked very robust, although I was equal to every physical exertion, I had never really been ill. Just recently I had frequently felt indisposed, my chief sensation being one of utter weariness. Also, I had not stood too well the very cold rainy weather which ParisParis (historical), capital of France had latterly experienced year after year. I would cough from late autumn until spring almost without intermission. No doubt that is how I came to have gloomy thoughts. One cannot be young for ever, I would reflect. And then I would think of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. She shared her body with me. She was a woman. To remain young meant more for her than for me.
"My outlook became more and more melancholy. By nature I had always been a gay person, especially as long as I lived in ParisParis (historical), capital of France. But all this was now over. There were days, weeks, and months when I felt utterly impotent. The power to work went out of me. Everybody who had known me for years knew that I had been an industrious person. I could not understand myself.
"At intervals there would be a return of more lucid periods, whenever I could
live in the country far from ParisParis (historical), capital of France and
collect fresh subjects, especially in BalgencieBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern
France. But they did not last long. I grew
[Page 95]
more and more tired, more and more languid. I did not
know what to do with myself. It was an unbearable condition to be in.
![[Page 95]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_095.jpg){kind=link}
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator began to be uneasy. She persuaded me to see a doctor, and to please her I did so. The doctor found nothing specific the matter and prescribed a nerve tonic. It did no good. A new doctor was consulted, with a similar result, and so on.
"But when LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 appeared, everything went well, and life was fair once more. Every trace of ill-humour vanished.
"Consequently she now came as often as possible. In the meantime she had built up her own circle of friends and acquaintances, and she had her own memories and habits, which had nothing whatever to do with me. Often she would stay for several days in succession, and then she would sit contented with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, or even sit quite alone by herself, sewing or embroidering, and smiling to herself, happy in this feminine occupation. Nobody understood this mystery, neither GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator nor ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques. They all regarded this enigmatic being LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, who built up her own world around her, with head-shakings and astonishment. But they let LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 alone, and she was happy.
"Something that happened just at this time was to inaugurate, more quickly than was anticipated, the last period of this incessant and ruthless inner struggle between LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and myself. And for a long time it looked as if neither of us would survive this contest.
"About two years ago my old friend Iven PersenIven Persen (fictional), modeled on Johannes Poulsen (1881–1938), Danish actor and
director, married to Ulla Poulsen of the Theatre RoyalThe Danish Royal Theater (historical), located in Copenhagen, CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, gave
[Page 96]
a number of performances among us in ParisParis (historical), capital of France. As his wife, the well-known dancer Ebba PersenEbba Persen (fictional), modeled on Ulla Britta Poulsen Skou (née Iversen) (1905–2001),
a Danish ballet dancer whom Gerda painted in Paris in 1927, accompanied him, a ballet had, of
course, to be arranged for one of the evenings. The ballet
corps
was not large, and it was short of one dancer. Thereupon IvenIven Persen (fictional), modeled on Johannes Poulsen (1881–1938), Danish actor and
director, married to Ulla Poulsen, who knew that I was not a bad dancer, asked
whether I would care to take part. Without hesitation I replied in the
affirmative.
![[Page 96]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_096.jpg){kind=link}
"At the ballet rehearsals, which lasted a very long time, I probably over-exerted myself. At any rate, I was then attacked for the first time by strange hæmorrhages. I bled mostly at the nose, but in so unusual a way that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator became anxious, and implored me to abandon my dancer's part; but I was very unwilling to do this, as I did not want to leave my old friend in the lurch. I saw the business through, although these hæmorrhages came on after the first night and after each of the numerous repetitions. And the most amazing thing of all was that every time I was seized with a fit of utterly strange convulsive sobbing. When the attack was over, however, I felt as if liberated, just as if something torpid in me had been dissolved; as if something new, something never before felt, was stirring. My whole being seemed as if transformed, as if a dam had suddenly burst.
"Never had music made so disturbing, so shattering an impression on me as on that evening. An achingly sweet and yet elevating sensation, which gripped all my senses, so the music wrought on me, moving me to tears, and the tears became convulsive sobs.
"A complete revolution in my character began on this evening. Formerly my
intercourse with
EINAR WEGENEREinar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener;
died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931 (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter) AFTER HAVING DEFINITELY
ASSUMED THE NAME OF LILILili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, PARISParis (historical), capital of France, JANUARY 1930
[Page 97]
people had been rather imperious and condescending.
From the first rehearsal I had been tormented by a feeling of failure. I was
utterly astonished at myself. I no longer recognized myself. A strong impulse to
resign myself, to obey, to submit myself unconditionally to another will, had
seized hold of me. This impulse seemed to dominate me. IvenIven Persen (fictional), modeled on Johannes Poulsen (1881–1938), Danish actor and
director, married to Ulla Poulsen, my old friend and boon companion, acted the chief
rôle
of the evening, apart from EbbaEbba Persen (fictional), modeled on Ulla Britta Poulsen Skou (née Iversen) (1905–2001),
a Danish ballet dancer whom Gerda painted in Paris in 1927. Only a year
before the three of us had been very merry together in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. It had never before occurred to me
to play second fiddle to him, to recognize him as the leading spirit! But on
this evening, from the time of the first rehearsal, I submitted to him
slavishly. Not a word of contradiction on my part did he encounter. And not only
that, but I blushed like a boy when he requested me to do this or that step
differently, to bow somewhat more or less at some figure or the other, and the
like. And if he as much as touched me, I felt so confused that I did not know
where to look.
![[Page 97]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_097.jpg){kind=link}
"In all these psychic disturbances which I then experienced, nothing of an erotic nature played the slightest part. In this respect IvenIven Persen (fictional), modeled on Johannes Poulsen (1881–1938), Danish actor and director, married to Ulla Poulsen and I had thoroughly sound natures. What it therefore meant I could not discover. It simply was so. And it was not I who first observed this change to humility, as GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator called it, but GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator herself. She teased me about it laughingly. But behind her smile was concealed an unbounded astonishment.
"For the general rehearsal I wore my dancing-costume for the first time,
close-fitting tights, a bolero, and a wig of short curls. After the general
rehearsal was over, when I was standing in a dirty,
[Page 98]
ill-lighted corridor of the theatre,
which was to take the place of the non-existent dressing-rooms, and while I was
in the act of washing off powder and paint, a number of
lasquenets,
who likewise belonged to the ballet, passed behind me, clinking their weapons.
One of them gave me a light slap.
![[Page 98]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_098.jpg){kind=link}
"'It suits you admirably to play a part in trousers, mademoiselle,' grinned the fellow.
"When I turned round with an energetic protest, the fellow slipped away, exclaiming: 'There is far too much bluff these days, ma petite demoiselle.'
"A few minutes later I had to go on the stage. When IvenIven Persen (fictional), modeled on Johannes Poulsen (1881–1938), Danish actor and director, married to Ulla Poulsen perceived me, he burst out laughing, and cried: 'No, children, this won't do. Now we have too many ladies!'
"For a moment I did not understand the allusion. Then I turned round perplexed, all eyes upon me and everybody grinning. Red as a turkey-cock I rushed out, ran into the arms of a dresser, clutched him, and begged him 'at the producerIven Persen (fictional), modeled on Johannes Poulsen (1881–1938), Danish actor and director, married to Ulla Poulsen's request to dress me rather more like a man'.
" He endeavoured to do so with the assistance of a colleague, and indeed amid the giggles of both worthies. And I pulled myself together and behaved as if all this left me utterly unmoved.
"The evening before the première I met in the wings an actor of striking muscular development, who had to dance in the ballet in the same costume as I was wearing. When he saw me, he inspected me from top to toe, and then blurted out angrily: 'Good God, man, you look impossible like that!'
"I was speechless and felt as if I should like to sink into the earth. Had such a
thing previously
[Page 99]
been said to me by a man, I would have knocked him
down.
![[Page 99]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_099.jpg){kind=link}
"When I afterwards related everything to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, she confessed that she too had been struck by the strange alteration in the contours of my body. In my dancing-costume I had looked like a woman impersonating a man.
"In the time which followed, my nervous condition assumed a feverish character. Henceforth at almost regular intervals these mysterious fits of depression, accompanied by severe hæmorrhages and violent pains, set in. And then, in addition, there were these disconcerting fits of sobbing. At first I thought that I had displaced some internal organ during the ballet performances, and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator too thought this. Consequently, we went to a doctor, who was really a heart specialist and not competent to deal with my alleged illness. But he had known me for years. Of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, on the other hand, he knew nothing. Only our most intimate friends had been initiated, among whom the doctor was not numbered. Hence I did not broach the subject of my double life during this visit, although I myself had begun to suspect a connection between this and my physical condition.
"As, after making a thorough examination, he found nothing which would explain
the remarkable phenomena which had recently manifested themselves, he took me to
a specialist, whom I had known slightly at VersaillesVersailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris. This doctor
then examined my body with great particularity and growing astonishment, and
eventually thought he was able to detect strange irregularities in my inside.
For the rest, he declared that the only thing to be
[Page 100]
done was to wait, especially as my whole
constitution was very healthy and unimpaired; such a body as mine could stand a
good deal.
![[Page 100]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_100.jpg){kind=link}
"Although this doctor had not said anything definite, this conversation gave me confidence and an almost mystical hope.
"By this time I was perfectly clear in my own mind that something of a most unusual character must be happening inside me. I had inferred this more from the doctor's expression than from anything he had said.
"And then, like so many sick persons who do not know what is really the matter with them, I began to procure all kinds of scientific books dealing with sexual problems. Within a short time I acquired an expert knowledge in this department, and knew many things of which the layman hardly dreams. But gradually it became clear to me that nothing which related to normal men and women could throw any light on my mysterious case.
"So it came about that I formed an independent opinion, to the effect that I was both man and woman in one body, and that the woman in this body was in process of gaining the upper hand. Upon this assumption I explained the disturbances, both physical and psychic, from which I was suffering to an increasing extent.
"All this I confided to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. And when, encouraged by her, I submitted my theory to various doctors in ParisParis (historical), capital of France and VersaillesVersailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris, they greeted it not merely with head-shakings, but even with disdain. The most polite among them treated me indulgently for every possible illness, while others regarded me as an hysterical subject, or simply as a lunatic.
"It was a terrible time. My health was on the downgrade, and soon I was unable to get any sleep. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was the only person who believed with me firmly in my theory. I owed it to her that I did not lose faith that one day I should find salvation.
"Exactly a year ago we journeyed southward once more, to ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome.. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator thought that a change of air just at this time, when ParisParis (historical), capital of France was having very rainy weather, would do me good. The French winter had been unusually cold. The whole of March had been spoiled by rainy weather. Beyond the AlpsAlps (historical), a mountain range in Europe we found the world in blossom.
"We travelled to RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy, where we had arranged to meet an Italian officerRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband whom we had met years before in FlorenceFlorence (historical), city in Italy. He had just returned home on furlough from the East after a long period of colonial service. He was waiting for us at the railway station and escorted us to our hotel, and then we were to dine somewhere in the town. I was utterly exhausted after the long railway journey and was suffering indescribable agony; but I did not want to spoil the day for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and our friend. I therefore went with them.
"We entered Facciano'sFacciano (historical), no known historical analogue and found a table. Through the open door the soft evening breezes streamed in from the beautiful Piazza ColonnaPiazza Colonna (historical), site of the famous Column of Marcus Aurelius in Rome, where we could see the shimmering white columns in front of the rusty-red façade of the Palazzo ChigiPalazzo Chigi (historical), a 15th-century palace named after the Chigi family and the colonnade of Biffi, which re-echoed to the shrill cries of newspaper sellers, and thus saved one the expense of buying a journal. The orchestra played divinely. I shall never forget that evening.
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator sat opposite me.
"It suddenly flashed upon me that she was looking as if she were hardly twenty-five years old. Every trace of fatigue had been charmed away from her features. And beside her sat our friend Ridolfo FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband, who was beaming on her. When we had made his acquaintance years ago, it did not seem fated to become an enduring friendship. At that time he had been a half-baked lieutenant. Il bello tenente Feruzzi, he was then called—it had been during our first Italian trip. When we parted at that time it had seemed to be for ever, until his letter from the remote colony had reached us in ParisParis (historical), capital of France. Most of its contents had been addressed to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator.
"A feeling of deep melancholy stole over me. I found myself thinking of that time and of the years between, and, to some extent, of myself. What had I become?
"I pulled myself together. A thousand questions were asked, and as many were answered. 'Do you remember the So and Sos? And Mrs. X? Do you remember that evening at Lapi . . . that afternoon in the Casino . . . and the evening which followed in the cinema in the Piazza Vittorio Emmanuele?' I saw it all as if it had been yesterday, and there was I sitting with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and Ridolfo FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband and laughing with them, and sometimes sharing a joke with them. They looked young, just as they did then so many years ago. But I joined in the laughter, although my laugh was forced and mechanical. My old zest in life had vanished. I had become another—a despondent person.
"There in RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy, a year ago now, I realized
[Page 103]
quite definitely that it was all up with me, that I
was at the end of my tether, irrevocably at the end. I felt and knew this as
something unalterable.
![[Page 103]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_103.jpg){kind=link}
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I had rented a studio with a wide balcony in the neighbourhood of the Piazza di Spagna. Every day I was ill, every day. And all the time the roses and the orange trees were blooming in front of our studio window.
"Now and then LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 appeared; but she had lost all her gaiety. She wept every time. She realized how beautiful life could be.
"Sometimes GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator would weep as well. Otherwise, she was perfectly well, even in RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy. She tried to paint; but nothing would come of her efforts. When I lay awake at night beside her, I observed that she too was lying with wide-open eyes. Our evenings we passed with FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband. His character, too, underwent a gradual change. A fitful melancholy weighed upon him, even when he tried to appear cheerful. He confessed that when all was said and done his life had been a failure. He could understand men who had reached this conclusion turning to the cloister as their last refuge. Undoubtedly there were such men, even in the twentieth century. I perceived that his words were seriously meant.
"My thoughts wandered to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator. Had she not
also missed her life's purpose? Had she not sacrificed herself so that I should
not live alone—because she felt that I had become a sick man—because she knew
that she was the only person who could understand me? I knew that no earthly
power could induce her to leave
me—to-day
less than ever. She was still young now. She still had
[Page 104]
time to catch up with many of the opportunities
she had missed for my sake. For me life had no longer any attraction. I know
this is a shallow thing to say, for others, but for me it said and comprised
everything. Why should I drag out a miserable existence any longer? No doctor
could discover what was the matter with me, nobody could help me. To go on
living, ill and old before my time . . . the idea was too horrible to
contemplate. I thought all this out without any feeling of self-commiseration.
And thus the idea presented itself quite naturally: better dead. Then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator would be free. Then life would have still
many rich years in store for her. That evening in RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy I took a resolution. It still holds good. Only one thing
can alter it.
![[Page 104]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_104.jpg){kind=link}
"It was then May. I gave myself a year's reprieve. If in the course of this year I should not find a doctor who could help me—who would try to save LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931—to separate her from me—I know how difficult it is for others to understand these words, to separate LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 from me—but how else shall I express the idea? Well, if I could not by the following May find this helper, then I would take a silent farewell from this existence, even if the other being who was obliged to share this existence with me in one body must also share my fate. I even appointed the day. It was to be the first of May. And I determined to carry out my design as discreetly as was possible to both of us—LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and I—in order to spare GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator.
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator. . . . How to spare her? That was the
hardest thing of all. I knew only too well how GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator would take a forcible termination of my life.
EINAR WEGENEREinar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener;
died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931'S (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter) PICTURES AT CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark EXHIBITION, 1930, IN
LIFETIME OF LILI ELBELili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931
[Page 105]
But despite all my consideration and solicitude for
the best and truest friend of my life, I realized that there was no other way
out. It would, however, be a release for us both, and certainly the only one
that was possible.
![[Page 105]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_105.jpg){kind=link}
"Once I had taken this decision I felt relieved. Now I knew that there would be an end of this torture within a measurable period of time.
"My health worsened from day to day. And the moment came when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator perceived that I could not remain in RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy any longer, that a return to ParisParis (historical), capital of France, where we knew some trustworthy doctors, was urgently necessary.
"Unutterably depressed, we left RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy—and Ridolfo FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband—one sunny spring morning much earlier than we had planned.
"In ParisParis (historical), capital of France, in our native environment, my condition apparently improved. Again we visited a few specialists, but always with a negative result. Eventually a radiologist took me in hand. The treatment almost cost me my life, and I was nearly relieved of the necessity of despatching myself on the appointed first of May.
"As the Parisian summer was too warm, we withdrew to VersaillesVersailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris, in the neighbourhood of the Park. Our life resumed its normal course. Neither GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator nor I were fond of making much fuss about our weal and woe, our joys and sorrows. Work is the best doctor, I said to myself. And as often as my condition permitted, I went into the Parkgrounds of Versailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris with my paintbox and easel, just as I did in former years. And LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 came as often as she liked, to distract GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and herself.
"The only person who had a fairly clear
[Page 106]
perception of my condition was Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923. At that period he was a
comforter to us both. Without the need of many words, he divined what was
concealed behind the apparent calm which GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator and I—and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931—showed him
on all his visits. When he came on Sunday, the old gaiety reigned once more
among us.
![[Page 106]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_106.jpg){kind=link}
"If we had not had Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 at that time . . .
"He, like GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, had long realized that the only thing that was still vital within me was LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. This they believed firmly. And hence they both encouraged LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to come as often as she liked.
"Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 often took long walks with her through the Park of Versaillesgrounds of Versailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris, forging plans for the future.
"On one such evening, when the setting sun had turned to molten gold all the windows of the palacePalace of Versailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris and the smooth surface of the water in the pond, they were strolling arm in arm along the terrace. Suddenly they heard a lady say to her companion in passing: 'Look! Two happy people!'
"Most of our friends and acquaintances understood my condition much better than all the doctors whom we had consulted. Of course, their sympathy was limited to words. Nevertheless, their words often gave me moral support. They saw in me an overweighted man, whose sufferings were a real martyrdom, and not, as the French doctors declared over and over again, imagination and hysteria.
"One day I met an elderly French painter in TrianonGrand Trianon (historical), a palace on the estate of Versailles outside Paris. We had known each other for years, but
had not seen each other for a long time. He
[Page 107]
inquired sympathetically after my health. I answered
evasively, without betraying the least hint of the real state of the case.
![[Page 107]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_107.jpg){kind=link}
"To my astonishment he made answer in my place.
"I have been observing you for some time, without your having noticed it, here in the Parkgrounds of Versailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris , when you are painting. I have been struck with the complete change that has come over you during recent years. Formerly you gave one the fresh, sharp impression of a healthy man. Now, if you will pardon my saying so, the effect you have on me is for all the world like that of a girl impersonating a man. You are ill. You are even very ill. You are undergoing a transformation. It is a fantastic idea; but what had never been before may become actuality to-morrow. We have known of cases of inversion for a long time, and doctors can deal with them. Why shouldn't you also be helped. It is to be hoped you will find a courageous and imaginative doctor. Everything depends on this. Of course, you will wonder how a poor painter can find the enormous fee for such an undertaking. Let us hope, nevertheless, that you will find a man prepared to assist you for humane and scientific reasons.'
"These and similar expressions of understanding were like little oases in my progress through the desert, and they gave me courage and strength to prolong yet a little further my hopeless quest of a saviour.
"During this last summer at VersaillesVersailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris I
began to notice that when I was standing in the street, or walking in the Parkgrounds of Versailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris, people often stared at me
[Page 108]
in astonishment, even in the shops which I had
been accustomed to visit for years. I had occasionally been aware of the same
thing in ParisParis (historical), capital of France during recent years, but never
to the same extent as was now the case in VersaillesVersailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris. Moreover, Parisians are the most cultivated, the
most indifferent and the most
blasé
people in the world, while the Versaillese are semi-provincial.
![[Page 108]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_108.jpg){kind=link}
"One morning when I wanted to reach the Parkgrounds of Versailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris quickly, in order to paint, I took a short cut through a corridor of the Hôtel des ReservoirsHôtel des Reservoirs (historical), at that time a hotel on rue des Réservoirs near the park of Versailles, where several young waiters were standing.
"I scarcely noticed them, but I had only gone a few steps when I heard behind me in pure Copenhagen slang the words: 'Look at that smart girl in trousers going to paint!'
"Incidentally I may observe that the hotels in VersaillesVersailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris are full of Danish waiters—I do not know why. Probably because German and Austrian waiters were mainly employed before the War, and, no doubt, owing to their knowledge of languages.
"Enough! I behaved as if I had heard nothing, but went on my way pondering on the meaning of this compliment—and then it began to dawn on me why I had attracted attention everywhere in recent times.
"A few days later the wife of our house porter, with whom I was on the best of terms, called
me aside and said:
'Monsieur
must not be angry with me if I confide to Monsieur that the shopkeepers in the
neighbourhood where Madame and Monsieur make their purchases will not believe
that Monsieur is a monsieur.' With eyes starting out
[Page 109]
of her head and mouth wide open she stood stock still
while I answered with a smile: 'Madame,
I
am very much inclined to agree with the shopkeepers.'
![[Page 109]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_109.jpg){kind=link}
"These and similar incidents showed me that the situation was beginning to be paradoxical. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 could not show herself in the street on her own account, because she and I shared the same body—although not a soul took any notice of her whenever she walked abroad, apart from occasional pursuers. I, on the other hand, was stared at everywhere. Although I was dressed perfectly correctly as a man and took long masculine strides, people took me for a girl masquerading as a man.
"It was not to be endured.
"In the autumn, when we returned to ParisParis (historical), capital of France, I noticed that I was beginning to attract attention there also, although it mostly found expression in a somewhat more discreet manner. In the tube, or in the 'bus, or in the tram, I frequently caught looks and words from people who were watching me. The few remarks that I occasionally overheard were enough to convince me that the opinion of the shopkeepers in VersaillesVersailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris was shared by others. With my thorough knowledge of the sophistication of Parisians in general it became doubly clear to me that I was really on the way to becoming a sensation—and this fact made me more and more nervous. My nerves, which had been weakened by the sufferings of long years, simply revolted: they could no longer bear the sight of me pursued everywhere by wondering and curious grimaces. This molestation by my fellows utterly depressed me.
"Thus I went again to the heart specialist with whom I was acquainted. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had called on him a few days before and had tried to explain to him my and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's double life—and he had promised her to take me to another specialist in Versailles—although, personally, he regarded the whole thing as a fixed idea of mine, and exclusively as a 'diseased imagining without any physical foundation'.
"'Your husband is healthy. His body is normal. I am speaking from a thorough knowledge, from a thorough examination of his body, madame.' Such was the wisdom of his concluding remarks.
"This visit to the new specialist in Versailles was to be my last experiment, I had
solemnly sworn to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator and myself, before
we set out on the journey. On my arrival I immediately received the impression
that the two doctors had settled their plan of campaign in advance: they wanted
to try to drive out of me my hysterical crochets and whims. After an extremely
superficial examination I was told point blank that I was a perfectly normal man
without any defect whatever, and that all I had to do was to try to behave as a
man with energy and good humour, in order to be able to lead once more the life
of an ordinary man masculini generis. During this
summary of their profound judgment they regarded me with scarcely veiled irony:
they looked upon me as an hysterical subject, plainly as a fraud, and one of
them, the 'new specialist', even hinted that I was really
homosexual. This suggestion almost broke down my self-control. If GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator had not saved the situation by a ringing
laugh, repudiating on my behalf
[Page 111]
the supposition as utterly absurd, I should have
seized the fellow by the throat.
![[Page 111]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_111.jpg){kind=link}
"After this hopeless consultation, which profoundly depressed us both, my last reserves of strength were exhausted. And I swore to myself that henceforth no power on earth would induce me to consult new doctors. I would not run the risk of being degraded again for the amusement of the medicos.
"I said to myself that as my case has never been known in the history of the medical art, it simply did not exist, it simply could not exist. Thus my doom, which was also LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's doom, was sealed. All that now remained for me to do was to go on living with all the patience that I could muster until the short term that I had set to my life had expired.
"Outwardly, nothing changed in the routine of our daily life. I was even cheerful when friends or acquaintances visited us, but particularly so in my behaviour towards GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, as I was afraid that she might see through me. That she was seriously perturbed I could divine from her whole attitude. She kept her feelings well under control, and generally showed me a smiling countenance, behind which she was able to hide her despondency. She had become so restless. Frequently, when she believed that I was not observing her, she would look at me furtively with an air of such strange inquiry that I feared she suspected my plans.
"During these weeks I had only one desire: to hear music. Concerts I could no
longer attend, as I dared not see people. Consequently, I bought large numbers
of gramophone records, classical and modern music, all mixed up anyhow, and
during
[Page 112]
long evenings our gramophone played until far
into the night. I swallowed everything that was music—gay and tragic, the most
banal and the most solemn, the most melodious and the most discordant
music—provided only it were music. It was my comforter, whether it moved me to
tears or prompted me to join merrily in some chorus, or even invite GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator to dance with me.
![[Page 112]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_112.jpg){kind=link}
"At that time I lived on music. If I could not sleep, I fled to music. If I was unable to open my eyes in the morning, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator would fetch the gramophone from the studio to my bedside. It was not that I was abnormally receptive or sensitive. I was never less sensitive that at this time. I merely felt utterly lost, abandoned to a fate which transcended human understanding. Music, the language of the soul, liberated me. Not to have to speak myself, not to have to give shape to my hopeless brooding, not to think myself nor clothe my vague ideas in words, was my daily and nightly prayer.
"Formerly I had found distraction in reading. Now I never opened a book. What
were the fates of strange persons to me, unless I could find consolation in
reading about a person of my own kind? But of such a person no author had been
able to write, because it had never occurred to any author that such a person
could ever have existed. How could the philosophies of the Greeks and of the
present time assist me, which only tell us of the thoughts of men and of the
thoughts of women in separate bodies and brains and souls? PlatoPlato (b. 429 BC), an Athenian philosopher's Banquet . . . hitherto it had
been my refuge. PlatoPlato (b. 429 BC), an Athenian philosopher was acquainted with
persons on the borderline of both emotional worlds, that of man and that
EINAR WEGENEREinar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener;
died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931 (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter) AS LILI ELBELili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, DRESDENDresden (historical), city in Germany,
MAY 1930. BETWEEN SECOND AND THIRD OPERATIONS.
[Page 113]
of woman. 'Mixed beings' they are called. But here in
my sickly body dwelt two beings, separate from each
other, unrelated to each other, hostile to each other, although they had
compassion on each other, as they knew that this body had room only for one of
them.
![[Page 113]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_113.jpg){kind=link}
"One of these two beings had to disappear, or else both had to perish. During these nights I was obsessed by the delusion that this body did not belong to me alone, that my share in this body grew less day by day, as it enclosed in its interior a being which demanded its existence at the price of my existence. I seemed to myself like a deceiver, like a usurper who reigned over a body which had ceased to be his, like a person who owned merely the façade of his house.
"Now and then LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 would still appear, and
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator was delighted every time she
came. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was gayer than I. Both of us knew
this. And LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 knew it was in her power to
comfort GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator. Sometimes, at GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator's request, she remained for several days.
In LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's company GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator was more easily able to bear the nights. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 could fall asleep more easily. And when she
slept, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator, too, was able to sleep.
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 often wept without GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator remarking it. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had always possessed her own dream world. She had always
had such delightful dreams. Now her dreams had vanished. They revisited her just
for a few nights. And every dream was a continuation of the previous one. It was
winter, and she would dream of a coming spring which was very sunny. She told
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator these dreams, but she felt that
they were only dreams. And then would come fear. The next night, however, a
still more beautiful
[Page 114]
dream would drive her fear away. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator once told me that she had secretly recorded
many of these dreams in her diary. And she said this as if she were betraying a
secret.
![[Page 114]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_114.jpg){kind=link}
"'LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 has dreamed you a romance,' I said to her, and turned empty away.
"But this dream-romance became the favourite subject of conversation between GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 during those dark days, and these talks were the only thing that gave GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 new courage and kept alive their hope that a miracle would somehow happen.
"Thus we reached February. ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini were in ParisParis (historical), capital of France again. And one morning ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques took me with her to the strange man from GermanyProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. Now it is the third of March. In less than two months it will be the first of May. That is the extreme limit of the period which I gave myself. Then Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter will exist no longer. Whether LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 will survive this day and live out her own life rests in the hands of Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist."
IX
When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter entered his hotel, it was almost morning. He stood at the window of his bedroom and gazed down at the square in front of the railway station. A number of taxi-cabs were there, a few belated pedestrians. A gleam of light was visible from the glass wall of the long narrow booking-hall.
He was very tired.
Slowly he undressed. He stood nude in front of the mirror. He thought of an expression he had used that evening: "I am like one who only owns the façade of his house." The mirror in front of him showed him the façade. It was the unblemished body of a man.
After a few hours he awoke in a cheerful humour, took a bath, breakfasted, punctually paid, one after another, his last visits to the various doctors, and felt almost carefree. In the middle of the Leipziger StrasseLeipziger Strasse (historical), a major boulevard in Berlin he heard a child's voice whisper: "Look, mamma, a woman in man's clothes." He turned round, and encountered a frightened look in two girlish eyes, probably a ten-year-old, with a thick, fair pigtail; the child blushed a fiery red and clutched hold of her mother, who regarded him with as much astonishment as her daughter, and then hurried along with the child.
A remarkable feeling of grim defiance welled
[Page 116]
up in him. Without meaning to do so, or even
being aware of his action, he remained standing in front of a shop window,
gazing inquiringly at his own reflection in the smooth plate-glass window.
Irritably he muttered to himself. "There is nothing more to be done with me.
There is nothing more to be done with me." Several times he repeated this
sentence, and then looked at his watch. It was half past four in the afternoon,
and at five o'clock he had to be in Professor Gebhard's sanatoriumGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic
at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin.
![[Page 116]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_116.jpg){kind=link}
He found himself in Potsdamer PlatzPotsdamer Platz (historical), central square in Berlin and entered the post-office. In the huge telephone directory he looked up the number of Baroness SchildtBaronin Schildt (fictional), modeled on Marie-Anne von Goldschmidt-Rothschild (née Friedländer-Fuld, 1892-1973), known as Baroness Rotschildt; a friend of Kurt Warnekros, whom he really ought to have visited before, and asked to be connected. She was not at home. He despatched a few hasty lines by post:
"Dear BaronessBaronin Schildt (fictional), modeled on Marie-Anne von Goldschmidt-Rothschild (née Friedländer-Fuld, 1892-1973), known as Baroness Rotschildt; a friend of Kurt Warnekros,
"Do not be angry if you should not see me again. In a few minutes I shall be calling a taxi and proceeding to my own funeral-tomb, Professor Gebhard's sanatoriumGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin. Whatever happens, think kindly of me. And if LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 should alone survive, do not let her be quite alone. I know that not all my men friends are her friends, but I should like her to inherit my women friends."
He threw the letter into the bag of the postman who was just emptying the blue
pillar-box. He pressed a shilling into the worthy fellow's hand. The postman
looked at him astonished. Before the man could thank him, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter was in the
[Page 117]
nearest taxi. He gave the driver the exact address of
the nursing-homeGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic
at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin,
and punctually at five o'clock entered the sanatoriumGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic
at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin.
![[Page 117]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_117.jpg){kind=link}
He was immediately led to the house-surgeonProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930, who regarded him with a benevolent mien.
"I have just had a long telephonic conversation with my colleague KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist about your case," the ProfessorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 began. "Previously I had been talking to Doctor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin about it. He will be present at the operation which I have to perform. I should now like to have the opportunity of making your acquaintance. A personal impression is always very desirable."
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter answered to the point: "Please, ProfessorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930, ask me what you like." But the ProfessorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 preferred a physical examination to all questions, requested him to undress and lie down upon an adjacent sofa of a type which had become very familiar to him since he had been in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany.
"Yes," declared the ProfessorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930, after making a detailed examination, "in yourself you are entirely what you represent yourself to be in civic life, a man, but at the same time your body undoubtedly shows a female conformation. I am surprised at the state of affairs." And while AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was dressing himself again, the surgeonProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 paced the room thoughtfully, regarded the patient without pausing, glanced at his diary, and then said: "I know you are in a hurry. Come early to-morrow morning."
"That is not convenient, because I am to be photographed by Doctor HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional), modeled on Magnus Hirschfeld (1868–1935), a German physician and one of the most influential sexologists of the time; Einar Wegener was examined at his Institute in March 1930 at eleven o'clock to-morrow morning before the operation, at Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's wishes."
"Good," declared Professor GebhardProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon
who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930, after
[Page 118]
again consulting his diary; "four o'clock in
the afternoon will also be convenient. To-day is Monday . . . then to-morrow,
Tuesday,
afternoon."
![[Page 118]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_118.jpg){kind=link}
"So we have a further reprieve," he said to himself, and looked at his watch. It was nearly half past six. A taxi-cab was in the neighbourhood. He gave the driver the name of his hotel, and spent this last night of all alone in the hotel bedroom. He felt that his body and nerves could not stand any more strain that day—yesterday's sleepless night, the conversation which had preceded it, the noisy, strange giant city all around him.
"I am no longer a player myself. I am only a substitute for LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. I must therefore be sparing."
Tuesday morning AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter left his hotel early. It was a bright March day; he strolled along the FriedrichstrasseFriedrichsstrasse (historical), a street in Berlin, then turned into the broad highway of Unter den LindenUnter den Linden (historical), a street in Berlin, and found himself in the Pariser PlatzPariser Platz (historical), central square in Berlin near the Brandenburg Gate, facing the smooth, austere Brandenburg GateBrandenburg Gate (historical), an 18th-century monument, among the best-known landmarks in Berlin. This beautiful and almost classically perfect perspective was bathed in the keen, bright sunshine of March. The painter awoke in him. He went into TiergartentheTiergarten (historical), Berlin’s largest park, a popular meeting-place for homosexual men at the time. Sunshine and budding vegetation everywhere. And the dead leaves were glistening like bronze. He strolled along a path which led to a lake, on which ducks were swimming. The branches of lofty trees were reflected on the surface of the water.
He had never been there before. He absorbed the picture. He thought of the many
morning hours of his past life as a painter, spent far from towns and people,
and he blessed the fate which had made him a painter, a creature of utter
[Page 119]
simplicity who surrendered himself fully to the
enjoyment of the moment. Not to lose this precious moment was the impulse which
found release when he painted. He usually painted feverishly, and could scarcely
wait to catch the picture while it presented itself to his gaze, this gaze which
was purified by the winds of travel, which saw more than the vacant stare of
others, and which was brighter than that of others. Clairvoyant. How fond he had
always been of this word, and how it recurred to him at this moment!
![[Page 119]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_119.jpg){kind=link}
He had always been one with this intangible and restless something, this play of light and shade, of claire-obscure, with colour and form. His attitude had been like that of a sly bird-stalker who laid in ambush and knew all the calls that would allure what he sought.
Thus he had created his pictures, spellbound on the dead canvas with dead
colours, until what he had divined with his eyes suddenly began to take on a
life of its own. . . . Captured echoes, he had then usually confessed to
himself. My pictures are only feeble echoes . . . He had been happy and very
humble, like an initiate. And these hours had been the only real and genuine
joys of his life. These joys had belonged to him, to him alone, he could not
have shared them with, nor could he have stolen them from, any other person.
They had been exclusively his wealth, his property. Could he transmit this property, this wealth? This
question had never occurred to him before. Can one transmit joy? The joy of
painting? For him, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, these
joys had gone beyond recall. And if LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 should
survive him,
[Page 120]
would she feel any desire to paint? Would he be
able to bequeath her as a heritage this joy, this blissful feeling of creative
capacity, as a slight compensation for the life he had stolen from her, for the
many youthful years he had deprived her of? His consciousness of guilt which so
often weighed heavily upon him would be thereby lessened.
![[Page 120]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_120.jpg){kind=link}
He must now think of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, who had such different inclinations from his; but why now think of inheritance? What great thing had he ever accomplished? True, he possessed a small token which he had to share with nobody: the golden "palm" of the Paris AcademyEcole des Beaux Arts (historical), École nationale supérieure des Beaux-Arts, the most famous school of the fine arts in Paris. Oh, vanity!
He wondered whether it was not time to return. He was standing upon an elegant lightly balanced bridge, whence he could look over a wide canal which poured its masses of water over a sluice drawn half-way up, so that it hissed and glittered like a miniature waterfall.
"I am just like one who is trying to sail under a waterfall," he reflected, "and I feel the current catching hold of me, and I no longer know whither the voyage is leading. Perhaps into complete destruction. . . . Yet . . . now, half-way, the boat cannot be left. The resolution is taken. I cannot go back."
Half an hour later he was at Dr. Hardenfeld'sInstitute for Psychiatry (fictional), modeled on the Institut Für Sexualwissenschaft (Institute for Sexual Science) in Berlin, founded by Magnus Hirschfeld in 1919; Einar Wegener was initially examined there, waiting for the photographer.
A lady, HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional), modeled on Magnus Hirschfeld (1868–1935), a German physician and one of the most influential sexologists of the time; Einar Wegener was examined at his Institute in March 1930's assistant, then came to him in the waiting-room, and began a conversation with him. He merely listened. She was tactful, and he felt that whatever she said was not dictated by curiosity or importunity.
"Your case is a novelty for us here. And what adds to the interest which we take in you for scientific reasons is the fact that you are an artist, an intellectual, and therefore able to analyse your own feelings, your own emotional life. You will experience the unprecedented and incredible thing: first to have lived and felt as a man, and then to live and feel as a woman. I am reminded of that Roman emperor who took his life because he could not achieve what is now your fate."
At length the photographer arrived. When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter left Dr. Hardenfeld's institutionInstitute for Psychiatry (fictional), modeled on the Institut Für Sexualwissenschaft (Institute for Sexual Science) in Berlin, founded by Magnus Hirschfeld in 1919; Einar Wegener was initially examined there, he invited himself to a "farewell breakfast". With great care he selected an appropriate restaurant for this purpose in the West End.
Then he repaired to his hotel, paid his bill, and proceeded to ThomasiusstrasseThomasiusstrasse (historical), a street in the residential section of Berlin, to bid farewell to his friends.
"You don't look exactly like a victim," affirmed friend NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 the moment he entered the room.
"Nor do I feel like one—on the contrary," laughed AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter.
While IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 wrung her hands: "But, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, in a few hours you are going to be operated upon, and you come here with a cigar in your mouth almost as black as a crow."
Before he was aware of her action, she had snatched the cigar out of his hand.
"Please, I have just come from the last meal before my execution, or, speaking more correctly, I have celebrated in the most literal meaning of the words the enterrement de ma vie de garçon."
IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul
Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 took his hand. "I have not been a nurse
for nothing; I know how one should behave before
[Page 122]
an operation. Certainly not as you are doing,
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter. It is a stupid boyish trick to
go and feast. It is putting on airs. And now NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer,
friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 will go with you to the nursing-homeGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic
at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin."
![[Page 122]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_122.jpg){kind=link}
And so it fell out. Without a cigar, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter entered the sanatoriumGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin under his friend's supervision.
The operation sister received the two gentlemen, conducted them to a room next to the operating-theatre, the door of which stood open. A few nurses appeared to be making everything ready for a new operation. A strong odour pervaded the place.
Professor GebhardProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 was, unfortunately, unable to arrive until nearly six o'clock, and the gentlemen must therefore have a little patience. They would be notified in due course.
The time was scarcely four. Niel's face assumed an expression of utter despair. "I can't stand waiting here two hours," he said almost contritely, and intimated that he would like to spend the period of waiting with the patient in the large café situated close at hand.
When they had found seats in the café opposite the newspaper stand, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter detected a few yards away from them a red-haired cripplethe Cripple (fictional), no known historical model. We chose this epithet over “newspaper boy” or “red-haired fellow” because it is precisely his hump that makes this character important to Andreas., a newspaper boy. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter sprang up in a trice and moved backwards towards the cripplethe Cripple (fictional), no known historical model. We chose this epithet over “newspaper boy” or “red-haired fellow” because it is precisely his hump that makes this character important to Andreas., who observed this proceeding with astonishment, for which he received a shilling from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, and then another shilling after AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had touched his very solid hump.
"My dear NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer,
friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938," he then said by way of
answer to his friend's astonished look, "I call that friendship! To bring me in
the presence of such a splendid
[Page 123]
hump at the eleventh
hour. For you know, of
course, that such a fellow infallibly brings one luck. A superstition, for aught
I care, but now I feel invulnerable. To touch a manly hump works wonders, but a
female hump the contrary."
![[Page 123]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_123.jpg){kind=link}
"Which we will whet with a noble drop of Rhenish wine, as a burial drink so to speak, according to the good old Nordic custom." And already AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had ordered from the head waiter a bottle of the very best vintage. "But three glasses, please."
"Three?" enquired NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938.
"Of course; the cripplethe Cripple (fictional), no known historical model. We chose this epithet over “newspaper boy” or “red-haired fellow” because it is precisely his hump that makes this character important to Andreas. must drink with us." Nor did the red-haired fellowthe Cripple (fictional), no known historical model. We chose this epithet over “newspaper boy” or “red-haired fellow” because it is precisely his hump that makes this character important to Andreas. want asking twice. "The like of us is used to plenty of sorrow," replied the hunchbackthe Cripple (fictional), no known historical model. We chose this epithet over “newspaper boy” or “red-haired fellow” because it is precisely his hump that makes this character important to Andreas., making a low bow. He seized the proffered glass, and clinked it with that of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter: "Your health, my dear sir. May your good soul long survive you!"
"The fellow speaks like a prophet," cried NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938. But AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter clasped the red-haired cripplethe Cripple (fictional), no known historical model. We chose this epithet over “newspaper boy” or “red-haired fellow” because it is precisely his hump that makes this character important to Andreas. in his arms, then released the astonished man and raised his glass. "So be it!" And he clinked his glass with that of the hunchbackthe Cripple (fictional), no known historical model. We chose this epithet over “newspaper boy” or “red-haired fellow” because it is precisely his hump that makes this character important to Andreas.. When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 at length departed, the red-haired cripplethe Cripple (fictional), no known historical model. We chose this epithet over “newspaper boy” or “red-haired fellow” because it is precisely his hump that makes this character important to Andreas. gazed after them, shaking his head.
In the room of the nursing-homeGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin which was awaiting AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter lights were already burning. A nurse ushered him in, took the patient's personal particulars, hung a thermometer over the bed, and requested AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter to lie down immediately. The doctors would soon put in an appearance.
"I suppose it is best that I should go at once," inquired NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938.
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter nodded. "Well, old chap, so long,
and I
[Page 124]
will do all I can to fulfil the red-haired fellowthe Cripple (fictional), no known historical model. We chose this epithet over “newspaper
boy” or “red-haired fellow” because it is precisely his hump that makes this character
important to Andreas.'s prophecy."
![[Page 124]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_124.jpg){kind=link}
NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 was about to say something more, but AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter pushed him to the door. A brief handshake, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was alone.
He paced up and down. Once, twice, thrice. Without knowing it he began to count his steps. So the room was seven paces long and six paces wide. Then he sat on the bed. He regarded the room. A room in a nursing-home like countless others. Bright walls, and bed and table and cupboard and the two chairs likewise painted a light colour.
And then he began to undress very slowly. Suddenly it occurred to him that he, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, was probably undressing for the last time . . . that what was now taking place was a farewell to coat and waistcoat and trousers and so on and so on. For a lifetime these coverings of coat and waistcoat and trousers had enclosed him. He contemplated the articles of clothing, one after another, as he took them off; he hung the coat over the waistcoat, and then both upon the hanger in the cupboard, as he had been accustomed to do since . . . yes, since when? He stretched the trousers in the trouser-press, and looked at one article after another, and stroked each in turn. "What will become of you? What will become of me? Which of us here will survive the other? I—myself? I—you? . . . Coat, waistcoat, trousers, shoes, underclothes, socks. . . ."
And he picked up his hat off the table. "You too. I had almost forgotten you. Who
else have I forgotten?" And he slipped his hand in the inside
[Page 125]
pocket of his coat, took out a picture, and stood it
on the table against the wall. "GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator," he
said, and started to stroke the picture. A knock was heard and the door was
opened. Professor GebhardProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon
who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 entered,
accompanied by his assistant doctor. A few questions were
addressed to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, with the result that,
to his surprise, the performance of the "first operation", which involved no
danger whatever, as the ProfessorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon
who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 explained,
had to be postponed to the following morning. "'Gravol'
is what you call such farewell celebrations in the North," laughed the ProfessorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon
who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930. "Your friend has already betrayed to
me the Rhenish wine. Congratulations! You seem to know your way about there. But
operations of this kind are best performed on an empty stomach. In a few hours'
time we will give you a sleeping-draught, so that the time between now and
to-morrow morning will not seem too long to you. And now, courage." A
handshake—and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter was again alone.
![[Page 125]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_125.jpg){kind=link}
"So it's always wait, wait, wait, wait," he said to himself. "However, much patience must one have," he said, addressing the portrait which stood on the table next to his bed.
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator." . . . More he could not say; he leaned back on the white pillows, stared at the ceiling, and felt tired.
He had struggled to the goal. He became sensible of the bustle of the day here in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. Now he had to confess that he was at the end of his forces. And the last remnant of his masculine pride, which he had been dragging about with him in this strange million-headed city like a cuirass, fell away from him.
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, it's a good thing you can't see me now."
No weakness . . . stick it out.
He had laid a writing-pad and fountain-pen on the table. He took a sheet of paper and wrote:
"BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany,
"4th March, Tuesday evening.
"Dearest GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator,
"To-morrow I shall be operated upon. The ProfessorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 says the operation in question is only a minor one, involving no danger. Consequently I have not besought you to come to me. Should it, however, turn out otherwise, I will tell you now that I shall have thought only of you every hour, every minute up to the last moment. My last wish is that your future should be happy—that you should inherit my fundamentally joyous temperament. Thousand kisses from LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
"Yours, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter."
When IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 entered his room an hour later, he gave her the letter and asked her to give it to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, in case.
"You great booby, I have known all along from NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 that everything will be all right. I have even gone to the café and taken a few flowers to your somewhat unusual guardian angelthe Cripple (fictional), no known historical model. We chose this epithet over “newspaper boy” or “red-haired fellow” because it is precisely his hump that makes this character important to Andreas.." He went as red as a turkey and said: "This is the luckiest day I have had."
At ten o'clock the assistant doctor entered again. He gave AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter the promised sleeping-draught. Then the nurse appeared, tidied up the room, and switched off the light.
They let him sleep on until the middle of the
[Page 127]
morning, when the doctors were expected to arrive. He
had hardly time to make a hasty toilet before Professor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented
a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin was standing beside the bed and requesting him to sign a
declaration that he, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, desired
to be operated upon at his own risk, and that Professor GebhardProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon
who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 was relieved of all responsibility in the event of an
unfavourable outcome.
![[Page 127]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_127.jpg){kind=link}
"With pleasure," he declared, and he immediately signed the document which was addressed to some high authority, and which said in effect: "In case I die, I renounce all right to make any difficulties hereafter." "But may I not add a few words of thanks to the German doctors," he asked suddenly, "who are going to make an attempt to save me?"
This request was laughingly declined, and then the ProfessorProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin announced: "The operation will take place in a few minutes. I am present at the desire of Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, so good luck." He then withdrew.
When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was again alone, he wrote yet another letter:
"My dear Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist,
"At the last moment before my operation I
yield to an impulse to express to you my heart-felt thanks. Since the day when I
met you in ParisParis (historical), capital of France I have been hopeful, and
here in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany, where I know none of the
doctors who have examined me and assisted me, an invisible power seems to have
smoothed all my paths. I know that you are this invisible power, and that
whatever good things have come my way have emanated from you. Whatever the
result
[Page 128]
may be, I want you to know that I am enormously
grateful for all you have done for me.
![[Page 128]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_128.jpg){kind=link}
"Your attached Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter."
Now everything was in order.
A moment later the assistant doctor entered the room.
When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter woke up again, in violent pain, it was almost noon. He opened his eyes with a shriek. Gradually he realized that he was lying in his bed. It seemed to him as if he had been crying out for a long time, as if he were resisting something. Two nurses were standing beside him and speaking soothing words. When he recovered consciousness he felt the pains growing more violent. With an effort he regained control of himself and clenched his teeth. He would leave off screaming. And, in fact, he screamed no more.
"Did I make much noise?" he inquired.
"Well, just a little," said one of the nurses with a smile, "and the strange thing was that your voice had completely changed. It was a shrill woman's voice."
Then Professor GebhardProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 came in and took AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter by the hand. "It went off splendidly. Moreover, I must congratulate you. You have a splendid soprano voice! Simply astounding."
Towards the evening he was awakened by a fit of coughing. It seemed as if his whole body were being torn asunder. The coughing was terrible. He had tried to suppress it, but without success.
At last the fit was over, and he lay exhausted. The nurses wiped the perspiration off his forehead. "You must have smoked a lot?" she asked. "Perhaps even yesterday."
LILE ELBELili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, WOMEN'S CLINICMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.", DRESDENDresden (historical), city in Germany, JUNE 1930 (AFTER THE OPERATION)
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On the table by the bed lay a cigarette-case.
"Throw them out of the window, Nurse. I will never put a cigarette or cigar in my lips again." The nurse smilingly removed the cigarette-case. "Don't forget your vow!"
"I swear it to you and to me." And he thought of the cigar which IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 had taken from him yesterday. It was the very last cigar which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had smoked.
Fresh fits of coughing in the course of the evening deepened his sudden hatred of tobacco to such an extent that the very idea of tobacco filled him with nausea. And this fanatical aversion from the enjoyment of tobacco in every form he inherited from LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 was admitted to him for a few moments.
"You're going on fine, what?" he began immediately.
"Oh, yes." More than that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter could not bring himself to say. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 looked at the nurse in astonishment.
She whispered to him: "I suppose you are surprised at the clear voice."
NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 nodded. "I cannot recognize it."
Then he sat on the one chair next to the bed. "IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 sends you her greetings. Otherwise . . ."
The nurse gave a hint. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 stole out of the sick-room. And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter whimpered: "Nurse, give me an injection. . . ." It was not the only one he had during the night. It was an endless agonizing night. Not until dawn did he manage to go off into a short heavy sleep. By the time he was fully awake, about noon, he felt as weak as one who had been wandering through a desert. But the pains seemed to have become more remote.
Only now and then the question would surge up in his mind, "Who am I? What am I? What was I? What shall I become?"
Soon afterwards IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 came—with flowers and a large bottle of eau-de-Cologne. Flowers! How their scent transformed the sick-room!
"Drench me with eau-de-Cologne, IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938! Sprinkle it all over the room!" he cried, almost beside himself with joy.
Then she sat on the bed next to him and began to talk in confident tones. She, who had previously always addressed him as "you" now used the more intimate "thou". He did not realize until many days later that during these first days she never once called him by any name.
Each day she came to see him with flowers and comforting words. So one day, two days, three days passed. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter slept most of the time. No dreams came to him in the long nights, through which he was assisted by sedatives. And every morning IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 was with him with fresh flowers.
One day she brought with her a perfectly magnificent spring bouquet.
"This time you must not thank me. The floral greetings are from a good friend."
"From Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923?"
IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 nodded.
She opened the note attached to the bouquet and read:
"Each flower of my bouquet is a greeting to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931."
For a long time the flowers concealed the
[Page 131]
invalid's eyes, and even IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul
Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 could not see that his eyes were weeping scalding
tears.
![[Page 131]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_131.jpg){kind=link}
"Will ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 ever find her again?"
"Whom?"
"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931."
Saying which, the invalid handed IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 a card, on which he had scribbled a few lines.
"Did you write this?" she asked.
"Yes, IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938."
"But then she is there already; ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923's LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. Just look."
He gazed at the card and failed to recognize his writing. It was a woman's script.
IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 hurried out and met the assistant doctor, who was standing in the corridor. She showed him the card: "What do you think of this, Doctor. No man could have written it?"
"No," said the astonished doctor; "no, you are quite right. One thing after another is pushing out."
"One thing after another."
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter distinctly heard the words.
And the doctor answered: "Haven't you noticed the voice is completely altered? It has changed from a tenor into a clear soprano."
When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was again alone, he spoke softly to himself. He wanted to listen to his own voice. But drowsiness overcame him and he fell asleep once more.
He woke up suddenly in the middle of the night. A terrible shriek startled him.
At first he thought that he had himself screamed. He clenched his teeth. But the
screams were heard again. No, he had not screamed. It was like the shriek of a
tortured animal. He could not stand it any longer.
[Page 132]
"Someone is being murdered! Help, help!" he
cried, and reaching out his hand, pressed the bell. The door was flung open, the
light switched on. A nurse stood in front of him. "What is the matter with you?"
![[Page 132]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_132.jpg){kind=link}
"With me?" Once more the screams rang out.
"I was so terrified, Nurse. Is somebody dying?"
The nurseclosed the door and drew the heavy felt curtains along. . . . "A young woman has given birth to a child. . . a sweet little girl. . . .I suppose you never realized what a difficult thing childbirth is?"
The next morning IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 arrived early.
"Who do you think is coming in a day or two?" she cried, as she entered the room.
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator?"
"Yes, here is her letter."
He had to extract the letter from a huge bouquet, and was still reading it when Professor GebhardProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930, accompanied by the assistant doctor, came into the room.
"Tell me, please, DoctorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930," exclaimed AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, "when shall I be able to get up?"
"Why the haste? You are doing very well here in bed amid flowers and soft hands."
"But there is a hurry, DoctorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930. In three days my wife will arrive."
"Your wife?" The ProfessorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 was taken aback. "All right, then, but have a little patience. Madame will certainly find you somewhat changed."
Then he hurriedly left the room with his companion.
"Did I do anything absurd, IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938? The ProfessorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 looked at me with such an amused expression."
"Stupid LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931!" was the only answer that IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 could think of.
X
Three days later GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator arrived early in the morning.
The nurse on duty knew at once who she was.
A few moments later she was in the sick-room.
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator stood in the middle of the room with outstretched arms, and could not stir. She was struggling with her tears. She wanted to throw him a gay greeting, but sank down sobbing by the side of the bed.
Late in the evening, when she was alone with the turmoil of thoughts and sensations that assailed her, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator wrote the following letter to their friend in ParisParis (historical), capital of France, Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923:
"I can only hint at what I have been through
to-day. I thought I should find AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter.
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter is dead, for I could not see
him. I found a pale being. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, and yet not
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 as we had known her in ParisParis (historical), capital of France. It was another. New in voice and expression,
new in the pressure of her hand, unspeakably changed. Or was it a being who is
in process of finding herself? No doubt the latter is the case. So womanly and
untouched by life. No, womanly is not the right word. Maidenly, I ought to say.
Perhaps childish, fumbling with a thousand questions in the dark.
[Page 134]
A 'nova vita'. I cannot find words to express
my meaning. I have been shaken to my depths. What a fate, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923! A fit of uncanny shuddering grips me
whenever I reflect upon it. It is a mercy that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 herself is too weak now to look backward or forward. She is
hardly able to realize the condition she is in at the moment. I spoke to the
doctors.
![[Page 134]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_134.jpg){kind=link}
"The first operation, which only represents a beginning, has been successful beyond all expectations. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had ceased to exist, they said. His germ glands—oh, mystic words—have been removed. What has still to happen will take place in DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany under the hands of Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. The doctors talked about hormones; I behaved as if I knew what they meant. Now I have looked up this word in the dictionary and find that it refers to the secretions of internal organs which are important for vital processes. But I am no wiser than I was before. Must one equip oneself, then, with wisdom and knowledge in order to understand a miracle? I accept the miracle like a credulous person.
"What I found here in the nursing-homeGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin I would call the unravelling of the beloved being whose life and torments those of us who have shared with him all these many difficult years, have felt to be an insoluble riddle. Unravelling. . . .That's what it is. But the unravelling is not yet finished. I know it, and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 suspects it. She is not yet allowed to see her lacerated body. It is bound up, and to herself and probably also to the doctors is still a secret which only KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist can unveil entirely.
"Everybody here, the doctors, the nurses, our friends NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 and IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938, have candidly expressed to me their astonishment at the almost miraculous outward change in 'our patientLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931'—for they do not rightly know whether they ought to address this being as a man or a woman. What is their astonishment compared with mine? They have been seeing the invalid every day. But I, who had been parted from him only two weeks, should have scarcely recognized my beloved husbandAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. And as it has fared with me, so it will one day fare with you and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini, to whom you must show this letter.
"More than this I cannot write now, except to say that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, this sweet new LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, lay in my arms like—oh, I must say it, because it is the truth—like a little sister, weeping many, many tears, and all at once said to me with a gentle sob in her voice: 'Are you not angry with me'— looking at me with so perplexed an expression—'because AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter has robbed you of your best years?' ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, I was too shocked to utter a word—and when at length I could have said what I felt, I dared not do so. Not me, I thought, has AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter robbed, not me, but you, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, my sweet pale LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, of all your girlish years. You and I, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, and all of us, must help to compensate LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 for the fraud which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter has practised on her."
Many months later LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 read this letter. ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 gave it to her.
The next morning—GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator had spent the night
[Page 136]
alone in an hotel—the head nurse proposed to put another bed in the sick-room, so that
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator could be near the patient until
the departure for DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany, which was
appointed to take place within a few days.
![[Page 136]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_136.jpg){kind=link}
"Splendid!" whispered GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, delighted, and taking the nurse by the hand she led her into an adjoining room, which stood empty. Swiftly she fetched a trunk which she had left in the corridor, opened it cautiously, and drew out a silk négligée.
"How becoming you will look in it, madam!"
"I? No, Nurse; it is a present from our Parisian friendElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques for our—patient inside. But not a word, please, until to-morrow morning!"
And when morning came it found LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 sitting in the most charming Parisian négligée, still very pale and limp, but nevertheless quite gay, in the white sick-bed. And the assistant doctor could hardly believe his eyes. "Famous! Congratulations, miss! And if you promise to be very good and careful you may get up to-day for two hours and show yourself to your astonished friends. More than this we cannot permit for the time being."
One nurse after another rustled in. Their astonishment was unbounded.
Such was the reception accorded in the Berlin nursing-homeGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin to the miracle performed upon this still very fatigued human being, a reception unmingled with curiosity or excessive inquiry; and when Professor GebhardProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 paid a visit in the evening, he kissed the patient's trembling hand as if it were the most natural thing in the world: "Good day, mademoiselle," he said; "I congratulate you. You are on the right road."
PORTRAIT BY GERDA WEGENERGerda Maria Frederikke Gottlieb Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator; married to Einar Wegener (GRETE SPARREGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator), WITH LILILili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 AS MODEL
Page 137
Then he noticed GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator for the first time. "Ah, madam, welcome."
For a moment the ProfessorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator confronted each other mutely, not without suppressed emotions.
Then LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 broke the silence. "Yes, ProfessorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930, this is Madame GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, who . . ."
The ProfessorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 gave a good-humoured laugh. "I know; who was married to Monsieur Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, who has slipped away from us in such a miraculous manner. Men are deceivers ever, madame." And with this happy expression the tension of a difficult situation was relieved.
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 surrendered herself to all this as if unconcerned, during her first BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany days. Observers could detect in her scarcely any trace of excitement, but rather a kind of relaxation. Moreover, she avoided replying to any look of astonishment on the faces of others by a word or even a gesture.
"We must leave her in peace," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator would then say to them in confidence. "She is resting. She is in a kind of transition. She is now getting ready to soar into freedom."
During these days GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator began to keep a diary. Every evening she recorded therein her observations, and the experiences which crowded thickly upon her in the company of the new LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, in simple, almost fumbling sentences, seeking the way of her friend—this difficult, wonderful way upon which LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had scarcely ventured to take the first step.
Here is a leaf from the diary that she started:
"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931
bears everything with incredible patience. True, she whimpers every morning, and
even
[Page 138]
when her bandages are changed, when fasteners
must be undone and done up, and when the still fresh scars are painted.
![[Page 138]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_138.jpg){kind=link}
"'This is all for my good,' she says with a patience which I have never seen her display before. She has only one wish, to go to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany soon, to her ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. She always calls him her Professor, or else her miracle-man. About the past she does not say a single word. It often seems to me as if she were without any past at all, as if she did not yet really believe in a present, as if she had been waiting for KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, her miracle-man, in order to bring her to proper life."
Here is another entry:
"To-day IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul
Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 and I did some shopping without LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 knowing what we were about. We must make some preparations
for the journey to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany. In the
afternoon we returned to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, bringing with us
a big cardboard box. 'Guess what we have brought you,' I said gaily. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 regarded us calmly, without a smile. 'I don't
know.' That was her only answer. Then IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul
Knudsen from 1925 to 1938
opened the box. 'LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 . . .' said IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul
Knudsen from 1925 to 1938, spreading out the coat in front of
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, and showing her the silk lining.
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 looked at the coat, and said: 'But
Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist will send me away if I
appear before him in this attire. He won't recognize me at all.' And her eyes
looked so sad. Really, they are always sad, even when she smiles. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter had quite different eyes. So had LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 in ParisParis (historical), capital of France. I
think the eyes of the LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to-day are not yet
quite awake. She does not
[Page 139]
yet believe. . . . Or is it that she will not yet
show that she believes?"
![[Page 139]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_139.jpg){kind=link}
On this day LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 wrote her first letter, to her brother-in-law in CopenhagenChristian (fictional), Andreas’s brother-in-law; modeled on Thomas Christian Thomsen (1883-1963), married to Einar’s sister Christiane and father of Einar’s nephew, Sigurd.
"BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany,
"14th March, 1930.
"Dear ChristianChristian (fictional), Andreas’s brother-in-law; modeled on Thomas Christian Thomsen (1883-1963), married to Einar’s sister Christiane and father of Einar’s nephew, Sigurd,
"It is now LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 who is writing to you. I am sitting up in my bed in a silk nightdress with lace trimming, curled, powdered, with bangle, necklace, and rings. Even my solemn ProfessorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 calls me LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, and everybody compliments me upon my appearance; but I am still feeling tired after the operation and the terrible nights that followed it. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator has arrived, and has gone out to buy me a warm coat, so that I can travel to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany next week. The operation which has been performed here enables me to enter the clinic for womenMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." (exclusively for women). And now I feel I have courage for the major operation. A thousand thanks for the cheque. When we leave for DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany, all letters will be forwarded. Now I can say with a light heart: 'It matters not what pains await me, as I am so happy, and in a few months I shall be quite well, a blooming maiden.'
Your LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931."
"P.S.—I write this letter in great secrecy. Mention the matter to no one."
It was wintry weather in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany when some
days later LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, muffled up in her new fur coat,
was
[Page 140]
allowed to leave the nursing-homeGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic
at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin for a few hours for the
first time. The ProfessorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon
who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 had "prescribed"
for her an automobile drive. "
You must prepare every
day now for the long journey to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany,"
he explained. "Get some fresh air, mix with people, gather new strength."
![[Page 140]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_140.jpg){kind=link}
Mix with people. . . . At these words LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 listened attentively. A secret fear assailed her. She did not, however, betray her feelings. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 and IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 came to fetch her away with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, who did not stir from her side.
When LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was outside the nursing-homeGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin, firmly supported by NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938' arm, she was again overcome with fear. She looked as apprehensive as a prisoner breathing fresh air for the first time after a long spell of captivity. She glanced about her timidly, as if she feared that everything around her was a deception.
She hesitated to proceed.
"Come now, child," said GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator softly to her.
"She is proud," laughed NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, "and, of course, wants to go alone."
"No, no," protested LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 in a frightened voice, "don't let me stand alone. Just a moment more. I must just taste this air once more. This air . . ."
When LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was sitting in the car, huddled close to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, she closed her eyes. "Don't bother about me. I must first get accustomed to all this."
And thus she drove through the roaring life of the KurfurstendammKurfuürstendamm (historical), an upscale avenue in Berlin whose cafés and theaters were the center of Berlin’s cultural scene in the 1920s. Its Jewish-owned shops were targeted during Kristallnacht in 1938., like a somnambulist, silent and self-absorbed.
The drive lasted two hours, and then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator
put the tired invalid to bed again. She was scarcely able to peck at the food
that was brought her
[Page 141]
before she fell into a deep slumber, which lasted
until the following morning.
![[Page 141]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_141.jpg){kind=link}
About noon NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 called for them both. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was in much better spirits. "I shall not bore you to-day, nor myself. I am really anxious to see people."
"Aren't we such?" inquired NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, amused.
"But I mean strange people—yes, I want to see strange people again."
"A brilliant suggestion," declared NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, who resolved that they should dine with him, in order to celebrate the occasion. He stopped the car mysteriously outside a telephone-box and descended. He wanted to inform IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 of his intention. And wearing a still more mysterious expression he returned.
In a quarter of an hour they reached their destination. IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 was waiting for the party on the doorstep. She pressed a big bunch of roses into LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's arms. "Be brave, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. Now you will find what you are longing for." And then they divulged to her that in the flat was a young lady from CopenhagenKaren Wardal (fictional), also Warren; possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg, a Russian-born Danish woman living in Paris at the time and depicted in several painting by Gerda Wegener, who knew neither LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 nor GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, nor—AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, and to whom they had announced the visit of "a Frenchwoman imported direct from ParisParis (historical), capital of France."
"For heaven's sake!" cried LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, almost beside herself.
"No contradiction. You must now play the imported Parisienne," declared IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul
Knudsen from 1925 to 1938. "My friend has been told that you
understand neither German nor Danish. And she does not understand a word of
French. I have told her that you have just had a serious illness, and are still
a long way from
[Page 142]
recovery. You understand neither German nor
Danish." NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer,
friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 had already taken the
reluctant LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 by the arm: "Go right in, my
dear," he ordered, and before she could recover her equilibrium, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was sitting in the deep armchair of his study,
the same armchair in which Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter a
few weeks before had confessed the story of his life during the greater part of
a night.
![[Page 142]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_142.jpg){kind=link}
Then the door opened and Karen WardalKaren Wardal (fictional), also Warren; possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg, a Russian-born Danish woman living in Paris at the time and depicted in several painting by Gerda Wegener, a young CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark actress, whom GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had known for many years, stood in front of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 thought that her heart would burst. Her pale cheeks blushed crimson. Yet nobody observed any trace of excitement in her.
"May I introduce," began IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 with a smile, Fräulein Karen Wardel WardalKaren Wardal (fictional), also Warren; possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg, a Russian-born Danish woman living in Paris at the time and depicted in several painting by Gerda Wegener—Mademoiselle Julie StuartLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931." And then, turning to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator: "You both know each other already."
"Of course we do!" cried Karen Wardel WardalKaren Wardal (fictional), also Warren; possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg, a Russian-born Danish woman living in Paris at the time and depicted in several painting by Gerda Wegener with enthusiasm. "How is your husband AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter?"
And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator explained that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was very well indeed, but, owing to pressure of work, had been unable to leave ParisParis (historical), capital of France. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 sat still, listened unconcerned at the conversation conducted in Danish, and answered every question which KarenKaren Wardal (fictional), also Warren; possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg, a Russian-born Danish woman living in Paris at the time and depicted in several painting by Gerda Wegener asked in Danish, and which was rapidly translated by GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator or IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 into the most elegant French.
The maid announced dinner. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was escorted by NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer,
friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938
into the dining-room. The conversation flowed from one language into another,
and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 behaved like a perfect Parisienne, as
if she had never heard a Danish word in her life. She accepted as a matter of
course KarenKaren Wardal (fictional), also Warren; possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg, a Russian-born
Danish woman living in Paris at the time and depicted in several painting by Gerda
Wegener's compliments upon her
"extremely chic Parisian costume"—this time
[Page 143]
NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer,
friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 played the interpreter, and in her
delight at this extravagant praise of her attire LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 forgot that her hastily improvised wardrobe was not of
Parisian origin at all, but had come from a BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany costumier.
![[Page 143]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_143.jpg){kind=link}
She did not betray herself by even a look. True, she was obliged to bite her tongue many times, when she was on the point of suddenly joining in the conversation conducted in Danish. This comedy lasted nearly two hours. There was a good deal of joking in Danish, and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 did not laugh until the point of the "Danish joke" had been translated to her in French.
Then she could keep it up no longer. She was tired to death, and begged GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator to take her to her hotel.
She bade a smiling farewell to Fräulein KarenKaren Wardal (fictional), also Warren; possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg, a Russian-born Danish woman living in Paris at the time and depicted in several painting by Gerda Wegener.
"The next time we meet I shall murder the French language," the young actressKaren Wardal (fictional), also Warren; possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg, a Russian-born Danish woman living in Paris at the time and depicted in several painting by Gerda Wegener called after her. "Till our next meeting in ParisParis (historical), capital of France; and don't forget, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, to give Monsieur AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter my kind regards."
NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 accompanied GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to the nursing-homeGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin.
"Well," he said, when they were sitting in the car, "I should not have thought it possible. Now I can believe in miracles!"
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 sank back utterly exhausted. In silence she let herself be driven again through the roaring cityBerlin (historical), capital of Germany, now twinkling with thousands and thousands of lights. When the car stopped in front of the clinicGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 had to carry LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to her room. He bore a sleeping burden.
So ended LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's first encounter with a strange person.
"And she did not recognize me," she said sadly.
"But, child," answered GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, smiling, "that ought to make you glad. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, my new LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, does not know anybody in the world yet. You are starting life again."
It did not yet dawn on GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's melancholy was inspired by fear of having no friends.
XI
The next morning news came from Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist in DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany. Everything was ready for the patient's -@Editor: PLC reception. If the patient's physical state allowed, the journey to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany might be undertaken immediately. But before going it was desirable to pay a visit to Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown, who had tested AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' blood barely a fortnight previously, to enable him to take a test of the patient's blood after the first operation.
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator read the communication to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 very slowly, her voice trembling with excitement.
"We will leave to-morrow morning, of course," said LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
"Good; but in that case we must call on Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown to-day." Saying which, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator hurried out of the room in order to telephone to Dr. Karner's laboratoryKarner’s laboratory (fictional), no known historical analogue.
When she returned a few minutes later with the news that Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown would not be available for another hour, she found LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 standing in front of the window holding Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist' letter in her hand.
"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, we can start at once. We could walk part of the distance. This will do you good."
"No, no, not walk. I cannot yet show myself in the street." And her eyes filled with tears.
On the way GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator mentioned quite
incidentally that the Doctor's assistant, to whom she had
[Page 146]
telephoned, had not understood her name. "It
was, indeed, somewhat difficult to make it clear to her."
![[Page 146]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_146.jpg){kind=link}
It so happened that their taxi and Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown's car arrived at the laboratoryKarner’s laboratory (fictional), no known historical analogue at the same time.
"Good day, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown," said LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, immediately recognizing him and extending her hand.
"Good day, madam," answered the DoctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown, momentarily surprised, as if he were trying to remember her name.
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 looked in front of her, then looked at GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, and at last took courage to say: "I have come from Professor Arn's Professor Arns' nursing-homeGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin. I am Lili SparreLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931." It was the first time that she had pronounced her name. She heard herself speaking. A feeling of shame overwhelmed her. "Don't you recognize me, then, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown?"
"But of course, madam, of course," answered Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown, although it was obvious from his tone that he had not the least suspicion of the identity of the person standing before him.
"I understand it is a question of taking a blood test," he continued nervously, and conducted the two ladies through the entrance hall and then into a waiting-room.
"Yes, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown; but are you still unable to recognize me?"
The DoctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown only became more confused. "Sparre . . . Sparre. . . of course the name sounds familiar. Mr. SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was here about a fortnight ago. He too was sent to me by Professor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin. But I cannot call you to mind, madam."
"The gentleman and I, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown, are, in fact, one and the same person," stammered LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
"I beg your pardon." Completely dumbfounded, Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown looked from one lady to the other—then looked at his watch, and made a quick bow. "Oh, excuse me a moment—the ladies are foreigners, of course." And he bounded out of the waiting-room.
Beside herself with confusion, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 looked at GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. "I think I shall lose my reason."
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator laughed. "Your doctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown is certainly of your opinion. He did not understand a single word of what you told him."
Suddenly LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 began to laugh. "But that is splendid. He too, then, did not recognize me."
A nurse came into the room and requested LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to follow her. The DoctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown was waiting for her in the laboratory, which LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 immediately recognized. He was holding a small instrument, similar to a morphia syringe, a transparent glass syringe. He smiled, still somewhat embarrassed. "Please, madam."
She heard the title ringing in her ears . . . madam.
"Please, madam, will you sit down, and turn up your sleeve above the elbow, so that I can get at the veins. So. . . . Much obliged, madam."
With a distinctness never before experienced, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 caught every word he uttered. It seemed to her as if the words were floating in the room. Her eyes gazed steadfastly at the syringe, whose needle was boring cautiously into her arm; she saw the glass container slowly filling with her blood, and she fainted.
When she came to herself, she looked around timidly.
The doctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown was standing by the patient's chair with a smile on his face.
"Have I been lying here long, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown?"
"Only a few minutes. Did it hurt as much as all that?"
"Hurt? Oh, no. You must not think that I am usually so bothersome."
"Of course. Mr. SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was not either. Sparre; if I understood aright, madam, your husband . . ."
"Mine? Yes, yes." She was so confused that she did not know where to look.
Then the DoctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown laughed. "So I did understand you correctly before. The German language is a very difficult language. What you said before sounded very amusing—as if you had said that you and your husband were one and the same person. Ha, ha, ha!"
"But, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown—"
"Believe me, madam, even a German utters the most incredible stupidities when he tries to make himself understood in a foreign language. However, to go back to your husband—a stoic of a man, if you like. Now I remember, of course—although he looked ill and exhausted when he sat before me in the same chair that you are now occupying—he said not a word about his sufferings, declined even to hint at them. Instead of this we conversed in the way usual among men here, especially when one comes from abroad, that is to say, about politics, while I was tapping his blood. Of course, I know very well that this cannot be done without hurting, although your husband behaved as if—and really with success—while you, madam . . ."
"Please, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown."
"But, madam, that is your vested privilege, as a representative of the weaker sex, while your husband is, if I may so express myself as a doctor, a prototype of the masculini generis. . . . "
"My dear DoctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown"—LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 now broke into a ringing laugh; she had risen and was staring at him almost insolently—"if you only knew what a lesson you had read me with those words!"
"Lesson?" The DoctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown chivalrously leaned over her. "But I have nothing but admiration for you, madam. You allowed the same blood test to be taken unbidden, in the same way as your husband—which, moreover, was very sensible. Only women can really do such things. A pain shared is a pain halved. Have I not come well out of the business?"
"Splendidly, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown. And now, good-bye."
"Good-bye; and my kindest regards to your husband."
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, dearest," said LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, when they were again in the open air together, "I have now got to the point of accepting with calm amusement the comic side of such a situation as I have just been in, without the flicker of an eyelash. If I did not do so, I should either go mad or lose myself."
In the evening GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator wrote in her diary:
"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 is still trying to find her feet. People do not make it easier for her. By people, I mean the former acquaintances of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter."
"Come," said LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, "now I will take my first walk through BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany."
So they both went from Dr. Karner's laboratoryKarner’s laboratory (fictional), no known historical analogue through the bustle of the great cityBerlin (historical), capital of Germany, jostling strange people. It was a fine spring day. The sky was cloudless and softly blue. The air felt like a prolonged caress. The faces of the people they met, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 noted with gay excitement, had such shining eyes. "Do I look like that, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator?" she asked many times. And as they strolled arm in arm they often stopped in front of shop windows. She never grew weary of gazing at their display of silks, and she saw her reflection in every plate-glass window. "GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, tell me, do I look all right in my furs? Do I look any different from you?" And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator smiled on her. "Child, remember your Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown—and be glad that we have progressed so far as this."
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 desisted from her questions, but every now and then her eyes would dart a glance of inquiry. Questions innumerable were stirring in her breast; but she refrained from uttering them. She forced herself to show a smiling face, and whispered to herself again and again: "Nobody knows me and my fate here in the great cityBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. Nobody mistrusts me. Nobody. I can carry my secret about with me in peace. Nobody is betraying me. And it is a bright day with plenty of sunshine."
Really tired, she clung to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's arm. "GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator," she said at once, "GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, you are not ashamed of me?"
When GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator regarded her with surprise, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 behaved as if something had flown in her eye.
"But what's the matter?"
"Nothing, nothing; we go to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany tomorrow, and I am glad NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 is going with us. Sometimes I feel so afraid. I don't know why."
This feeling of dread became so alarming during the last night before the departure for DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was obliged to summon the assistance of the head nurse.
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 wept and wept through many despairing hours. "I cannot . . . I cannot. . . .How can I look Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist in the face? He doesn't know me. He doesn't know who I am. I am afraid. I would rather die first." When at length she could weep no more, she lay in her bed, staring in front of her.
A thousand apprehensions assailed her. The railway journey to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany, all among strange people . . . the arrival in another great city . . . the way to the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." . . . more strange people, with curious eyes . . . and then the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. How would he receive her?
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 did not know herself what was going on within her.
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had long since packed the trunks, had found time for many cheery words, had talked about indifferent things, while LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was lying totally unconcerned.
"And to-morrow I shall be with Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, and nobody can help me—nobody." She kept saying these words in a whisper. And when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator told her that she and Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had only a single thought, which was to help her, and that it was ungrateful to despond just now, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 only shook her head in a tired way. "GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, I know better. Nobody can help me. It is much too hard for a tired soul."
In the morning, when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator was still
sleeping—she had not dropped off until very late—LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931
[Page 152]
rose, dressed, contemplated herself, and stole
softly, so as not to disturb GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator, towards
the not very large mirror which GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator had
brought with her and hung over the night table, converted into a dressing-table.
She was not pleased with what she saw. Ugly and inexpressive the reflection
appeared to her—a dull, tired,
anæmic
mask. She sat down on a trunk and buried her face in her hands.
![[Page 152]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_152.jpg){kind=link}
"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931!" GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's arms were round LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's neck. "Now you look like a mother anxious for her child."
"Anxious for her child?" LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 slowly repeated the words. "Yes—for her ill-bred child, as if such a mother could ever be cheerful."
So the day started, and its hours crawled slowly by. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 was an early arrival.
"Our LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 looks like an officer's miss," he cried, enthusiastic—"haughty and condescending! An incredible phenomenon."
In half an hour the phenomenon will be on its way to its destination, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 reflected. The phenomenon. And she pulled herself together. Nobody should see tears in her eyes to-day. Nobody. She must empty her mind of all thought. Thus she was driven to the station, with eyes which looked as if they saw. But they saw nothing. In the waiting-room she let herself be persuaded to take breakfast with the others. She was obedient. "To-day I will have no will of my own, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938; to-day I will do what you both order me."
An abundant breakfast table was hastily improvised. "This spread," announced NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 solemnly, "is to celebrate LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's departure on her first overland journey."
LILI ELBELili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 IN THE WOMEN'S CLINICMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.", DRESDENDresden (historical), city in Germany, 1930
Page 153
The waiter had placed a pint tankard of Hofora in front of each. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 raised his tankard towards LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, the dainty, elegant GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, raised, not without considerable difficulty, her tankard towards LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931—and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was no spoil-sport.
"Skaal, my dears," she said, "or prosit, as we must say here!" And before NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 had clinked his tankard against LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's, she had taken a generous draught.
"Bravo, bravo!" cried NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, so loudly that many of the people in the waiting-room looked around them.
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 immediately put down her beaker. "Please, please don't excite attention." She was stretched on the rack all the time.
Yet she wanted to be gay. Moreover, as she honestly acknowledged, the fresh aromatic beer had a glorious taste. And this refreshing breakfast with crusty BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany rolls and liver sausage and cheese, a real German morning meal—did not in the least resemble an invalid's diet.
"It makes me feel quite a new being," she confessed. "It tastes like resurrection. If only it gets to that point. Prosit! Long live life!"
When it was time for the train to leave, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, clinging all the time to NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938' arm, pushed through the crowd on the platform so quickly that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had difficulty in following them. A corner seat in a second-class compartment was found for LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, while NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator secured seats opposite to her.
With merry, wideawake eyes, which absorbed every trifle around her like a new experience, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 rode into her new life.
The landscape between BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany and DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany is a series of endless, monotonous plains,
thinly wooded, and here and there coloured red, white, and yellow by small
settlements, villages, townships and towns, broken only by occasional placid
brooks and streams—a picture devoid of excitement, a panorama calculated to
soothe and lull. Low overhead hung a blue-grey sky, while the fresh morning wind
drove golden clouds merrily before it like young lambs just released from the
fold. Then a large, bright green rectangle would swim into vision—a winter crop
with the ears already sprouting, between silvering willow trees, while a dark
islet of cloud lowered spectral overhead. Sharply defined on the eastern horizon
was a church tower. Then the sun emerged from a heavy bank of cloud, and flooded
the whole world with a golden light. The telegraph
wires buzzing up and down in
front of the carriage window. A flock of partridges ascending from a dark patch
of marshland and disappearing into a silvery birch wood. A signalman's cottage
with silver-birch trees and a few fruit trees, stunted and cropped, and
fluttering between them multi-coloured washing. A woman pressing her hands on
her hips, her eyes fixed on the train, beside her a fair child with a glaring
red ball in her hand, and a brown Pomeranian dog squatting beside the child.
Shoo—past! The woman's expression was plainly visible. A piece of blue-
and-white washing was waving like a flag in her right hand. An unpaved country
road curving towards the railway embankment. Two heavy farm-horses drawing a
heavily laden cart. The driver lashing out with the whip. The sun gilding
[Page 155]
him and the whipcord and the tin lid of his
bowl-pipe, lighting up even the puddles in the deep ruts of the cart-track.
Behind a far-flung ridge tower factory chimneys, and white and greenish-yellow
smoke-plumes wind into the blue until a breeze breaks them up and they become
golden clouds.
![[Page 155]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_155.jpg){kind=link}
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's eyes had become the eyes of a painter, and a tremor passed through her. "Those are not my eyes. They are AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' eyes. Is he not yet dead within me? Can he give me no peace, then?"
She closed her eyes. She could not understand why she was so afraid to look at, to grasp and to love the world, as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had done. Was it because she feared she would never get on to her own feet, never be loosened from—AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter?
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 had gone into the corridor in order to smoke.
In the compartment there remained two German gentlemen of very correct appearance. The two corner seats by the door belonged to them.
Up till then LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had scarcely noticed her fellow-travellers. She had kept herself entrenched behind newspapers.
Suddenly one of the gentlemen laid his paper down and the other gentleman followed suit, except that he almost solemnly folded up
his newspaper. Involuntarily she looked at him, and he returned her look very
deliberately. "Hm!" he grunted at least four times. The other gentleman flicked off some dust, and removed his light-brown,
very solid gloves. A thick diamond ring came to light. He cleared his throat
again. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 drew her furs closer about her. She
felt the look of the two "lords
[Page 156]
of
creation" fixed upon her. She put on a
very haughty expression.
![[Page 156]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_156.jpg){kind=link}
"Ahem," said the gentleman next to her. "Do you mind, madam?" She nodded her assent.
He offered her a heavy cigarette-case, inlaid with gold: "It is, to be sure, a non-smoker; but both the other people—ahem."
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 smiled: "No, thanks."
"Hm!" And the gentleman shut his case with a snap and deliberately put it away in his pocket.
The gentleman opposite unfolded his newspaper.
And LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 looked out of the window.
A little dainty birch wood upon a hill under the sun. Two diminutive mother-o'-pearl clouds overhead, like wings which a child angel had forgotten in play.
NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 had returned, and was again sitting in his corner seat.
"Early spring," he said; "early spring, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931."
And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, who also returned at this moment, repeated the word, "Early spring. . . . I never heard the word Vorfrühling before. A beautiful word. Oh to be out there painting as I used to! . . ."
Then she broke off, avoided LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's look, and closed her eyes.
For a whole hour they sat thus silent.
In LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's ears GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's words still echoed: "Early spring . . . painting as I used to," and she completed the sentence, "with AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter."
Was it jealousy which was now stirring in her?
No, no; the idea was impossible.
She leaned across to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator—no one saw it,
not
[Page 157]
even NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer,
friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, who
had fallen asleep like GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator, while the two
strange gentlemen were standing outside
in the corridor smoking—and laid her hand in GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator's lap. Then she rose and sat next to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator, laid her head against GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator's shoulder and gazed out of the window
again. Ranges of hills were billowing up, growing into small mountains, and new
ones kept joining them, dotted with villas. And eventually everything became a
confusion of villas and gardens and tenement houses—between which factory
buildings reared their heads and streets opened like canals between columns of
houses, while the columns of houses became great settlements full of pulsating
life. Trams, cars, people, clamouring
advertisements
on blank walls, a wide ramification of railway lines on either side, trains with
an endless line of coaches, a station on the right hand and the left hand, a
continuous shuddering of the carriage as it slid rumblingly past the points.
![[Page 157]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_157.jpg){kind=link}
Then the train stopped.
NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 woke up.
"Shall we soon be there?" asked LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
"The next station." She awoke GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator.
When the train started again, all three of them were standing at the window. Now they were crossing the long bridge, under which the broad, dark river extended like a glistening velvet ribbon, and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 saw DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany's domes and towers and roofs emerge from the shimmering water-surface. Slowly she looked up and saw that it was no phantasmagoria—this magnificent city on both banks of the River ElbeDresden (historical), city in Germany, ascending from the broad valley to green hills and the soft blue sky.
She knelt on her seat and stared out and drank in the picture of this place of pilgrimage, longed for so ardently and vouchsafed her in return for so much suffering. And her eyes became too full and too heavy. She closed them, and pressed her hands against her heart. The tears she wept were the soft tears of faith. A feeling of boundless happiness flooded her whole being. "Now I am home . . . now I shall soon be home."
NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 laid his hand on her shoulder. "Child, child."
"It is only for happiness, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938."
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was standing beside her. She could find no word to utter, but many tears to shed.
How LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 got out of the compartment, how she made her entry into DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany in a taxi-cab, she could never afterwards remember.
It was a long drive. Soon the streets of the city lay behind them, and they were traversing the residential districts. They passed a block of tall buildings, then suddenly the cab turned round a corner. Slender, white, gleaming birch trees raised their filagree-fine branches above a garden wall, behind which towered a grey, solemn, massive block of buildings, comprised of many houses.
"Stop, stop!" cried LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. "Here we are!"
The next moment the cab stopped in front of a porch, which bore in large letters the inscription:
"MUNICIPAL WOMEN'S CLINICMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948."."
"How could you know that?" asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, as they were helping LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to alight.
"I felt that it must be here," answered LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931
[Page 159]
very faintly. "Help me a little, so that I can walk.
It was such a long, fatiguing journey."
![[Page 159]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_159.jpg){kind=link}
When they stood in front of the porch and rang the bell LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was pale as death. She heard the pealing of the hospital bell, and it seemed to her as if she was hearing the sound of her own heart.
A white-clad nurse hailed them from the window of the porter's lodge. "Private patients' ward? Straight through the garden, please." By this time it was late afternoon. A soft, subdued light from a watery sky flooded the large garden. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 led the way. She was home at last.
XII
Standing at the entrance door to the private clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." was an elderly white-clad nurse, who was embracing a lady. This was LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's first impression of the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.", and this impression remained.
The elderly nurse was the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female. She was bidding farewell to a patient.
Then she received the three foreigners with great cordiality, and ushered them into a long hospital corridor. Twilight had already set in, and through the glass panes of a large folding-door at the end of the corridor fell a soft sea-green shimmer, which was reflected on the polished floor and the many white-lacquered doors.
"The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist will be with you in a moment," said the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female.
Near the large folding-door were a few armchairs and a small table, illuminated by a lamp, where a doctor in a white smock was conversing with two ladies.
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator seized LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's hand. "That's Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist," she whispered.
"You are mistaken, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator," said NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938. "Besides, you have never seen him. Surely he is only an assistant doctor."
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator is right. It is Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist," whispered LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 with a trembling voice.
While he was conducting the two ladies to the office, he remained standing a moment and greeted the newcomers with ceremonious politeness, after which he requested them to sit down.
They all seated themselves about the round table. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had relapsed into silence. White-clad nurses came and went and said good day. But LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had eyes and ears for nothing.
Only when the door of the office opened again and the two ladies were ushered out by the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, did she become wide awake.
The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female made a sign to them, and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 took LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's hand. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator remained sitting in the armchair.
Two months before Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had seen AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter in ParisParis (historical), capital of France on a single occasion. Now LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 stood in front of him for the first time. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist led her into the office, and then went out again to welcome GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator.
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, who had suddenly become very calm, looked about her in the room. It was a large apartment and might have been a study or an operating-room. In front of the large window, which gave a view of the birch trees in the garden, stood a chair for patients, and in front of one wall was a writing-desk, full of papers. Everything in the room was dazzling white.
When the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist returned, he sat down opposite LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. She began to chat about her stay in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. Suddenly he interrupted her with a question. His rather stern face broke into a smile.
"Did Professor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin acquaint you with the result of his chemical and miscroscopical examination?"
"No, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist."
"Well, then, I can tell you the welcome news
[Page 162]
that all the examinations gave the most
favourable results. Everything confirms our assumption."
![[Page 162]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_162.jpg){kind=link}
She breathed again. She was relieved of the necessity of explanations.
She listened to his peculiar velvety voice. A feeling of happiness stole over her. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist spoke so sympathetically about everything that affected her that she grew courageous, and suddenly began to relate her experience with Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. But when she looked up she gazed into Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist' eyes, those eyes that were light and dark at the same time, and her words died on her lips. She could not utter another syllable. It flashed upon her that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had been able to talk quite freely to the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist in ParisParis (historical), capital of France. Why could she not do so?
Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist regarded her inquiringly, and waited for her to proceed with her story. When, however, she failed to do so, he broke the silence.
"I really intended you to come into the private ward immediately, but, in a most unexpected fashion, every bed is at the moment occupied. This is, perhaps, just as well, as we must wait a little before the operation is performed. I am looking out for a pair of particularly good glands for you."
At this realistic argument LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 shuddered. She did not know where to turn her eyes. She was overwhelmed with shame, and utterly embarrassed.
The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist seemed hardly to notice this, for he continued calmly:
"Besides, it will do you nothing but good to spend a few days in the hotel, and see the town and our museum.
Moreover, you could do some painting. You will find plenty of subjects here.
Such a distraction should be most beneficial to you."
[Page 163]
At these words LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931
seemed to lose all her moral support. The idea of not being immediately received
into the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik
in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.", but stopping for days
in a strange hotel, appeared to her as monstrous as an undeserved punishment.
She wanted to beg the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist to be allowed
to remain there, she wanted to rebel against his decision. She looked
imploringly at the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist, but could find
nothing to say except:
![[Page 163]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_163.jpg){kind=link}
"Very well, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist."
This ended the interview. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist held out his hand, and went out of the room with her to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. He mentioned an hotel in the vicinity of the Women's Clinic and bade her good-bye very formally.
Utterly disconcerted, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 met GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. She felt as if she had suffered a disastrous defeat. A single glance of this man had deprived her of all her strength. She felt as if her whole personality had been crushed by him. With a single glance he had extinguished it. Something within her rebelled. She felt like a schoolgirl who had received short shrift from an idolized teacher. She heard the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's voice ringing in her ear. She was conscious of a peculiar weakness in all her members. She stood there as if in a fog and apprehended nothing. But later, when she recalled this moment, she found an explanation: it was the first time her woman's heart had trembled before her lord and master, before the man who had constituted himself her protector, and she understood why she then submitted so utterly to him and his will.
The hotel which Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist had recommended to them was situated in a wide square
[Page 164]
surrounded by trees, and had a garden. It was a
quiet, select establishment, and was scarcely ten minutes' distance from
the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik
in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.".
![[Page 164]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_164.jpg){kind=link}
A large light room which overlooked the square was assigned to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 installed himself in another room. They were heavy, oppressive days which LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had now to endure. She could not understand why she could not be immediately received into the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". She was almost convinced that Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist found her unsympathetic and that she had a repellent effect upon him.
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator wrote down in her diary:
"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 is utterly despondent. She thinks the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist sees in her nothing but a female impersonator, that is to say, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. She imagines that she has an ugly and disagreeable appearance, and that every normal person must be repelled by her. She weeps perpetually. We have gone out on a number of occasions, but, dominated by her fixed idea, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 thought she could read in every glance of the passers-by a confirmation of Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's aversion. It goes without saying that we foreigners should attract attention here in DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany, but she blames herself entirely. She is indignant because the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist suggested that she should do some painting in the interval. That was the worst thing he could have said. Everything that relates to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter is detested by her, but especially painting."
In
order to break right away from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, she
must, above all, avoid practising his most characteristic activity. "The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist ought to
[Page 165]
have known this," said LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, "or else he intended to convey that he saw in LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 nothing but an impersonation of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter."
![[Page 165]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_165.jpg){kind=link}
The following day GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator wrote in her diary:
"NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 was certainly quite right when he said that what the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist is now doing with LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 is nothing less than an emotional moulding, which is preceding the physical moulding into a woman. Hitherto LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 has been like clay which others had prepared and to which the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist has given form and life by a transient touch. Up till now, he thought, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's femininity has been only superficial, not yet completely wholly genuine. By a single glance the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist yesterday awoke her heart to life, to a life with all the instincts of woman. The more I ponder over this, the more heartily I agree with NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 is now silent and completely wrapped up in herself. True, she still weeps softly to herself at times; but those are the tears of nostalgia. She does not know herself what is happening to her, and I can do nothing more than assist her with encouraging words and patience."
The next page contained the following entry:
"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931
said to me last night: 'It is certainly unjust of me to think bitterly of
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, but sometimes I am obliged to
think of him, and then I do not quite know what to call him. I think I must call
him my dead brother, and to this I must get accustomed. So much so that I cannot
any longer realize that he and I have dwelt in the same body and this this body now
[Page 166]
belongs to me alone.' Then she said: 'Perhaps I
am the murderer of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, and this idea
tortures me fearfully, as I surmise that I shall perhaps be of much less value
than he. He was a creative person. He was a painter, with a long record behind
him. And just because of this I am afraid of wanting to achieve anything. For if
I should really once paint and then perceive that my performance fell below his,
this would completely upset me, and I would commit suicide!' Suddenly she said:
'GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator, I see in front of me the
clothes of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter which we left behind in
BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. I see every article of clothing.
And I think of them at night. And I am afraid to go to sleep again, lest I
should dream that I was slipping these clothes on."'
![[Page 166]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_166.jpg){kind=link}
Thus a whole week passed. A deep melancholy hung over LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, and this melancholy deepened into an icy horror when one morning a number of letters from CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, addressed to Monsieur Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter of ParisParis (historical), capital of France, arrived from the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". She would not even touch the letters. Even GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was not allowed to read the letters. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 had to burn them. And now LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was convinced that she would never be able to enter the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.".
"The letters have made it impossible. Let us disappear from here," implored LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 without tears, firmly resolved to efface herself in silence. Then, like a release, came news from the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." that a room was now free for LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator went with her the short distance to the hospitalMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.".
The next day NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 returned to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany.
XIII
Many times LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 tried to recall the first moments she spent in the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.", and every time she felt again the infinite peace which had then settled upon her distracted spirit. A ray of hope, which, like a Bachian hymn, was carried by angel voices to an invisible vault.
All anxiety and unrest fell away from her. Her own life appeared to her of secondary importance, and so valueless. An obscure feeling inspired her with devotion, a feeling of participating in something new and great, something that transcended everything that came within the range of ordinary experience. A white sick-room, brightened by the green reflection from the garden. A white bed. Upon a white table mysterious shining instruments and forceps under a glass case. An odour of ether and formalin over everything. Visits from the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female, a well-preserved motherly woman in white nurse's uniform with starched white cap on her silver-grey hair. Now and again, penetrating through the folding-door a muffled noise, gradually dying down—the sound of invalid carriages rolling past. And in the white room GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. Now and then soft voices and footfalls. The door is opened, a slender figure in a white coat enters, and remains standing in the room.
Of this first visit of the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 retained
[Page 168]
only an almost musical recollection. A voice. A
vision. What he said to her faded right out of her mind. But from the moment he
stood before her in the white sick-room, all her burdens slipped away. And her
whole being was flooded with assurance and joyous hope.
![[Page 168]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_168.jpg){kind=link}
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 went out under the birch trees in the large garden and waited. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had told her that everything would be ready for the operation within a day or two.
The white trees gleamed silvery upon the shining green borders. Their branches stood out against the grey, quivering atmosphere as if bathed in a reddish sheen. Here and there hedges and bushes with their branches still bare. Silky catkins on the few willow trees, and here and there yellow buds. And many seats along the paths. White-clad sisters resting after lunch greeted LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. And in the middle of the large garden a bevy of young, pregnant women. They were laughing joyously and happily, and in their blue hospital clothes looked like big crocuses just sprung up.
"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931," said GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, "now I understand the beautiful German word 'fore-spring'. Everything here is so full of expectation."
Then a slender man in white overalls hastened across the park to the septic station. An assistant doctor followed him, and a whisper flew from mouth to mouth: "The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist." All eyes were riveted on him, and everything seemed to stop for a moment.
And then the turret clock of the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik
in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948."
struck. Six o'clock. It was time to return to one's room. The park was already dark. Arm in arm LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and
[Page 169]
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator went slowly into the large house. The
lights were burning in the broad, white corridors. Young nurses in white
uniforms, with white, tight-fitting caps, were bringing the patients' evening
meal. Down below, in front of the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist's
room, stood the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed
a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s
request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female. Suddenly his voice
sounded through the open door, and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931
shuddered. In a fright she drew GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator with
her round the corner into the corridor whereon her room was situated.
![[Page 169]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_169.jpg){kind=link}
"What's the matter?" asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator.
"Hurry," whispered LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, breathless, and slipped into her room. An inexplicable fear had gripped her at the sound of the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's voice. Once again she felt like a schoolgirl! The next evening, when LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was put to bed, she was subjected to all the ceremonies that precede an operation. And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator sat beside her to offer encouragement. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had already intimated in the morning that if a young woman who had to be operated upon the following day possessed suitable ovaries, the transplantation should be effected forthwith. Excited and happy she bade GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator farewell this evening. She lay awake for hours and stared into the white room. The night-lamp diffused a subdued light. Nurse HannahHanna (fictional), no known historical model, young and pretty, sat beside her, conversed with her, placed a sleeping-draught on the night table, and then softly disappeared.
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 did not take the sleeping-draught. She was afraid of sleeping too long. She wanted to be wide awake when next morning, her great morning, came.
Not another sound was heard from the corridors. Everything was drowned in the
silence of the night. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's thoughts were
suffused with gentle light.
[Page 170]
It seemed to her as if she no longer had any
responsibility for herself, for her fate. For Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist had relieved her of it all. Nor had she any longer a will
of her own.
![[Page 170]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_170.jpg){kind=link}
And suddenly she thought of the past, of ParisParis (historical), capital of France. Yet the next moment she fled from this recollection. There could be no past for her. Everything in the past belonged to a person who had vanished, who was dead. How altogether different from her Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had been! Now there was only a perfectly humble woman, who was ready to obey, who was happy to submit herself to the will of another.
The turret clock chimed again. She heard it many times that night.
When the first streaks of dawn came stealing through the curtains, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was already wide awake. It was six o'clock, and at seven o'clock sister HannahHanna (fictional), no known historical model came in and prepared her for the operation. Then there was a long, tedious wait, during which she hardly dared to move. She strained her ears for every step in the corridor, every sound that penetrated thence, and every noise; but nobody stopped outside her door. Had they forgotten her?
At length the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female came into the room and conveyed to her the doleful news that she must wait yet a few days longer, as the invalid in question who had been operated upon had "yielded no suitable material" for LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
Disappointment and suspense would have brought her to the verge of tears if
the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed
a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s
request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female had not informed her at the
same time that she was to be allotted a new room which had a large window
overlooking the garden and a sunny aspect.
[Page 171]
And when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator
arrived a few minutes later the removal to the new room was immediately
begun.
![[Page 171]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_171.jpg){kind=link}
Again they strolled arm in arm through the park of the Women's Clinic. How quickly everything here had become familiar to them, even the white-clad nurses, whose morning greetings they gratefully acknowledged! And LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 smiled happily on the young pregnant women in the crocus costumes. Now and then young doctors passed, and they too wished her: "Good morning, madam."
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was happy. Here she was walking quite naturally like a young woman among other young women. She was a creature without any past. Had she ever looked any different from now? She smiled. Then suddenly she saw AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter in her mind's eye, how he had regarded charming and elegantly dressed women in ParisParis (historical), capital of France, and had almost envied them their elegance. How dull and insipid, he had often said, was male attire! Now all this was past and over—obliterated as if by a gesture of her master, her creator, her ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. There was no longer an AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; he could never return. Now between him and her stood Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. She felt secure and salvaged.
Here in this little state within a state men ruled with absolute power, with the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist at their head. The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female was the single exception. In spite of her maternal benevolence, she was a very decisive lady, whose energetic profile under the silver-grey hair might recall the BourbonsBourbons (historical), royal family who ruled France for two centuries in their splendid period. Her personality compelled respect—she was the only person in the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." who enjoyed, to a certain extent, the confidence of Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist.
One morning she intercepted LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and told her that it would certainly not last much longer. Perhaps to-morrow, perhaps the day after to-morrow, the operation could be performed.
"Tell me, MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female," asked LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 abruptly, "why are really healthy ovaries removed from a woman?"
"But, Miss LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931," answered the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female, "it would take too long to explain this to you, especially as you do not possess the necessary anatomical knowledge to understand it. But be easy in your mind, the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist knows what he is doing. Leave everything to him. Moreover, you need not have any fear, as your operation will be quite a minor one."
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 laughed.
"I have no fear at all, MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female. In BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany I was also told that it was only quite a minor operation which was to be performed. And subsequently I learned that I was nearly an hour and a half on the operating-table. Whether this new operation is dangerous or harmless does not bother me in the least. I have not come here to die. Of that I feel certain. I could have done this without the help of the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist."
The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female drew LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 close to her. "You will be very pleased to know, Miss LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, that the new ovaries which the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist proposes to ingraft upon you will give you new vitality and new youth. The woman who is to be operated upon is, in fact, scarcely twenty-seven years old."
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's voice trembled with excitement. "Is it really true, MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female, that the age of a woman is determined by her ovaries? Is that really the decisive factor for a woman?"
The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female patted LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. "How curious you are! But if you don't believe me, you can ask our ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist."
"Yes, of course. Why have I not done so long ago? I will ask him this very evening."
But when the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female asked on the following morning whether the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had satisfied her curiosity, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 felt very ashamed. "No," she said; "I forgot all about it."
The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female lifted her forefinger and laughingly threatened: "Why not say quite honestly that you did not dare to do so!"
"No, I did not dare to do so," confessed LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
"It needn't make you blush, my dear Miss LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. Why should you be any different from the other women in the hospitalMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948."?"
Two days later GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator filled many pages of her diary. This was the day on which the great operation was performed on LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. And the night was far advanced when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator wrote:
"At nine o'clock this morning I arrived
at the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik
in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist had told me yesterday evening that the operation
was to take place to-day.
Cautiously I peered into LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's room. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 lay in a white night-dress in her white bed. She
was quietly sleeping. She had been given a morphia injection. I cautiously
retired to the long corridor, where nurses were waiting for the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist. Nurse MargaretMargaret (fictional), no known historical model came out of the board-room, wheeling a table on castors,
with ether bottles, cotton-wool, and instruments under glass cases. The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed
a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s
request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female appeared and cast a searching eye over
everything: The head doctor
[Page 174]
and a number of young assistant
doctors
came out of the operating-theatre. Everybody spoke softly. A strange stillness
reigned in the broad, white corridor. A greenish light drifted through the high
window, through which could be seen the still bare trees of the park, and, lit up by the morning sun, the wing in which
the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist's quarters were situated. A
covered gangway connected the first storey with the main department of
the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik
in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". Thence all eyes were
directed.
![[Page 174]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_174.jpg){kind=link}
"'Now we are still waiting for the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist,' said a little nurse to me in a whisper. I could scarcely control my agitation, and stared continuously out of the window at the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's quarters.
"Suddenly there was a movement among the nurses. Involuntarily I seized the little nurse's hand. Everything around me was in commotion. I saw the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist approaching the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." with rapid steps, and the next moment I heard him greeting everybody with a polite, 'Good morning'. He was very ceremonious and unapproachable, even towards me, although we had always been on very friendly terms. I did not venture to address him, nor even to follow him, when, in company with the head doctor and the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female, he disappeared into LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's room. He resembled a general on the eve of a decisive battle.
"Minutes passed. I stood by the open door
looking upon the garden. The morning sunshine streamed
in. I was no doubt very pale. The air was of spring-like warmth. A few birds
were singing in the trees. A golden haze hung over them, and a soft wind blew
in, smelling of grass
[Page 175]
and earth and mingling with the strange,
all-penetrating hospital odour. Then the door of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's room was opened a little, and a hand was put out.
Sister Frieda,
who was standing in front of the door, hastily took a bottle of ether from the
movable table, handed it in, and the door noiselessly closed again. Soon the
sickly smell of ether escaped from the room and penetrated everywhere. I felt as
if I were going to faint; but I pulled myself together.
![[Page 175]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_175.jpg){kind=link}
"An endless time seemed to elapse, and then the door opened again. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist and the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female came out. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist took my hand and looked into my eyes. 'Don't worry,' he said softly, and disappeared to make further visits. The ambulance was pushed out of the door, followed by two nurses. Underneath a white covering lay LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. I could not recognize her face. . . it lay under the ether mask. Then the white procession disappeared along the white corridor into the operating-theatre. How long would it last? I kept saying to myself: Don't think, don't think. What are they doing now to this poor creature? In what form will LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 be returned to me? How cheerfully she looked forward to this moment? A miracle was to be worked on her. Would it succeed?'
"Restless, I wandered out into
the garden, and strolled along all the paths of
the great park, but could find no peace. Went back to
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's room. All the windows were open. The
spring sunshine was flooding the room. But I could not stop there. Finally I sat
down in an armchair in the corridor and waited. There I was able
[Page 176]
to see everything that was going on. It was so
quiet. Now LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was lying under her MasterProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist's knife. No, I was not afraid. I believed
in him, as LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 blindly believed in him, as in a
higher Power. And I thought of this man, whom I had recently tried to paint.
![[Page 176]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_176.jpg){kind=link}
"And now I realized how all my powers had been bent upon an effort to retain this masculine head in a portrait. What power radiated from this strange person? Here in this Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." was a god, whom all feared, whom all revered. In what did his power consist? And I recalled his face. Was it really handsome? No; strange, rather. No feature of his face was really handsome. Everything, even the eyes, were irregular. And yet a striking harmony characterized the whole, a force, an emanation of force. For days I had tried to capture this face, to retain it in many hasty sketches. I knew all his attitudes, all his movements. This armchair had been my daily observation-post. Opposite his office. I knew precisely the time he came and the time he went. His visiting times, and his promenades through the rooms.
"I closed my eyes in order to collect my
thoughts. I saw distinctly the slender back of the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist in the long white overall. I saw him in my mind's eye,
as he would throw back his head with a sudden jerk. I saw him as he would
advance towards me, his hands outstretched and a stern smile playing about his
lips. Every time I had seen this smile I had felt as if I must weep. I had seen
so many men— smiling, handsome men, important men, and
LILI ELBELili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, THE WOMAN, AS SHE WAS
COMPLETELY TRANSFORMED FROM EINAR WEGENEREinar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener;
died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931 (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter) THE MAN, CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, OCTOBER 1930
[Page 177]
others. This weeping, this fear, all this emotion had
nothing to do with my heart. I knew that. For I had never for a moment been in
love with this man. And yet how often had I cried myself to sleep, thinking of
him! Yesterday, in the centre of the town, among strange people, I had a vision
of this smile. And it flashed across me that I would gladly sacrifice my life
for this man.
![[Page 177]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_177.jpg){kind=link}
"But why, whence came this feeling? And then I told myself that I was only one of the many who believed in this man through the mere force of belief, who believed in the helper in him through their belief in some kind of helper. As I now sat here in the armchair in the white corridor I realized that my feeling for this man was nothing less than the feeling which LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 cherished for him in the deepest recesses of her heart. With her it is certainly still slumbering, for she is as yet merely a vague being. Vorfrühling: early spring! This word suddenly sounded like music to my ears. Would LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 really see it?
"I was still sitting with closed eyes when suddenly the door of the operating theatre was flung open and Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist was standing in front of me . . . still in the indiarubber apron. His gait was tired. He held out both his hands and gave me a broad, benevolent smile. I only heard his words: 'Everything has passed off well.' I clasped both his hands. And I could only stammer: 'I thank you.'
"Not until a few hours later did I learn
what had happened inside. To find words in which to put it is unspeakably
difficult. A whole human
[Page 178]
life which I shared with another floats before
me as I write these words. A human being who was born a man, who was my husband,
my friend, my comrade—has now become a woman, a complete woman. And this human
being was never intended to be anything but a woman. Like a sacrificial animal
he has been dragged along with me for years until this German doctorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist brought him help! And to-day this human being has
laid here bleeding under the knife of his helper. His body was opened, and
disclosed a state of things which the craziest imagination would hardly have
considered possible. The body of this human being contained stunted and withered
ovaries which were not able to develop because an inscrutable Fate had also
given him the others, the male germ glands. This secret of existing as a double
being, hitherto divined by no doctor, has only been unveiled to-day, after
Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist had guessed at its existence
in ParisParis (historical), capital of France, and like a wizard deciphered
it.
![[Page 178]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_178.jpg){kind=link}
"I can find no other words with which to
express my meaning. And now this poor creature, so heavily handicapped by Fate,
has had removed from its body what had formed such an obstacle, thus enabling it
now to develop as its blood had dictated for years, namely, as a woman, and it
has been equipped with unimpaired female germ glands from another, a strange and quite young creature.
Then this tortured body was sewn up again, and now nothing more is left, not a
particle is left of my life's comrade and fellow-wayfarer—AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter. He is the dead brother of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, who now lives, of the woman who has
[Page 179]
shared flesh and blood with him for almost a
lifetime.
![[Page 179]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_179.jpg){kind=link}
"But the thought which haunts me is that though AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter may now be extinguished, and though LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 may have risen like a phœnix from the ashes, yet in the world outside AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter is still living in the eyes of the law, and I am his wife. Who is capable of grasping this horror, this fantastic idea, this unique happening? She whom it concerns most nearly, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, is still lying lulled in the mists of merciful morphia.
"What will life now bring her? Will the miracle of the doctor, the miracle of his art, be great and strong enough to be perpetuated in LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's life? All of us have been instruments of this fate. I not least. For it was I who many years ago enticed LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 out of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, in wanton play, as a chance masquerade! And it was I who continued playing this game with AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, until what had been play became earnest, most mysteriously earnest. But I must not think of this now; I cannot help thinking of the one person who never really believed in AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, but only in LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's most intimate friend, Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923. What will he think when he sees her again?"
There is very little that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 can remember of
this day, which henceforth she called the day of her proper birth. When she
opened her eyes for the first time, she saw a few sunbeams stealing through a
rift in the drawn window-curtains. Then her eyes closed again and she slept long
and heavily. When she awoke again, it seemed as if
[Page 180]
she had been dreaming. Here, to the left of her
bed, in front of the window, she had seen the silhouette of the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist, and beside him the head doctor. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist had asked
something. Good! "Have you a good bite?"
![[Page 180]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_180.jpg){kind=link}
She had answered with a humble: "No, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist," suppressing with difficulty a smile.
And then the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had ordered: "Count. Either in Danish or French, just as you like."
She had started counting in German: "One, two, three," when an ether mask had been slipped over her face. She found it difficult to breathe. She went on counting: "Four, five, six, seven." The counting became harder and slower. When she came to eighteen, she felt as if she were suffocating. She heard the voice of the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist: "Twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two . . ."
His voice sounded above her like the ticking of a clock, ' which grew louder and louder, until everything became one continuous buzz and she lost consciousness. Was it a dream?' Or had she been stupefied? But why had they left her lying here so long without operating upon her? Until she had awakened with this unpleasant ether taste in her mouth? "You haven't any bite?"
She heard this question again. But the smile gave way to a terrible pain. With a
shriek she opened her eyes. The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed
a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s
request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female was
standing beside here, smiling to her and
whispering: "You've come through all right. It went off splendidly. Now
everything is going on well." But her eyes had already closed again, and she was
sleeping. When she was awakened again by pains which became more and more acute,
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator was standing
[Page 181]
beside her with a bunch of red tulips. A nurse came in, gave her an injection, and she went off to sleep
again. Once the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist stood beside her,
held her hand, and said something that she did not understand. But she saw his
eyes, and with a drowsy feeling sank into oblivion again.
![[Page 181]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_181.jpg){kind=link}
That day and the night which followed it were passed in the mists of morphia. When she awoke, the pains were there, but a sister was also beside her with a morphia syringe. She was conscious of acute thirst. Moist cotton-wool was laid upon the parched mouth. But the injections of morphia caused even thirst to be forgotten.
Thus morning came. Everything had really passed off very well, and peaceful, natural sleep soon enfolded her again. The following days stole by softly and mistily. If she was attacked by pain, it was repelled by narcotics. If she opened her eyes, she would stare in front of her as if astonished at everything that had happened to her. Gradually she became accustomed even to the pain; she told herself that these pains were the price to be paid for what had been bestowed upon her, her own life, her woman's life. The prospect was fair and hopeful. Her white room in the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." seemed to her like an earthly paradise. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist was the guardian of her paradise. Morning and evening he stopped for a few moments by her bedside. Between these visits all was expectation.
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was always at hand during these days. From the door leading to the garden she painted the white birch trees and the garden paths. If she saw the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist coming, she would hurry back to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
It was only of the nights that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was afraid. Then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was far away, and the flowers which she had brought had been removed from the room. Flowers had also come from ParisParis (historical), capital of France, from ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, and from ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923. And letters—these letters were the sole companions of her long, long nights. And the turret clock striking the hours. And . . . the pains! They started almost regularly every night. Her bed would then become a glowing oven. She would lay there bathed in perspiration. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had ordered her to sleep; but she was to have no more morphia. Other sedatives were administered to her; but they were effective only for a few hours. Then she would lay awake watching for daybreak.
And the day became fair again, and again there was the feeling of blissful expectation. She listened for every footfall—she had long since been able to detect the footfall of her helper amidst all other footfalls. But he did not always stop at her door. Other patients had need of him. Then she would wait patiently until her turn came. Here in the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." everybody was waiting for the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. Everybody had to share in him, and each woman received her share, even if it were only a tiny share. When he smiled she forgot all her pain. Sometimes he was strict, and then she felt a mystical fear of him. And she divined that he behaved quite differently towards her than towards AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. He never hinted at the past by so much as a word. Was she only LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 for him? Sometimes she felt a craving to ask him about it, but she never dared to do so.
And for hours she would lie there and ponder
[Page 183]
over this oft-recurring question. She felt as if he
had deprived her of her will. She observed how he sought to evoke her feminine
impulses by being alternately mild and stern. Had he not deliberately provoked
an eruption of all the primitive instincts of her womanhood? She felt the
transformation proceeding with every new day. It was a new life. It was a new
youth. It was her own youth that was seeking to liberate itself. And she lay
there, believing.
![[Page 183]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_183.jpg){kind=link}
XIV
Spring, the great miracle-worker, also came to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's assistance. Yet she must still pass many days chained to
the bed, in the white sick-room. But with each new day her life became
healthier. The pains departed. Everything took a normal course. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist was satisfied. She was still utterly
exhausted. And hence it came about that she lay as if wrapt in a coma, and she
spent most of the day absorbed in herself and dreaming. The world outside did
not trouble her. She was hardly aware of it. Newspapers and books which were
brought to her she left untouched. She had only one wish: that nothing should
ever be different, that she could always remain here, in the peace of the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik
in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". And when the thought
sometimes occurred to her that the day would come when she would have to go
forth into the world outside, beyond the park wall of this large, quiet houseMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik
in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.", she was assailed by
overwhelming fear. Thus she developed a desire to remain here as a nurse, to
build up her strength in order to be able to help other women once she was well.
Now and then she broached the matter to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator or to the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed
a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s
request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female, or the
other nurses, who merely nodded. Once she asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator if she might not speak to the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist about it. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator
thought she might. But immediately a
[Page 185]
fresh fear welled up in her. "If he should say no!
Perhaps I shall not be strong enough. Perhaps he will tell me that he did not
save me for this. . . ." And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator had no
answer.
![[Page 185]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_185.jpg){kind=link}
During many long nights LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's fear of life outside sought refuge in another peaceful thought. Could she not enter a convent, become a nun? She fell into reveries of remote, secluded convents somewhere in ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome., SpainSpain is a European country on the Iberian Peninsula whose capital is Madrid., or South GermanySouthern German (historical), Germany is a western European country. We had to distinguish South Germany from Germany because in some languages South Germany is one word and can signify a specific region with its unique identity.. No one should know there whence she had come and what a destiny had been hers. No one. . . . She would weep for hours for fear of the life outside, of this life which seemed to her like an enemy. There her secret would be rudely unveiled, and she would be regarded as a phenomenon. Her fate would be the subject of vulgar gossip; she would be stared at, and she would not be left in peace. And the healthier her body became, the more vivid became her fear of her future among people. Yet she no longer dared to speak about it to others.
At length the morning came when she was allowed to leave the sick-room for the
first time. Lying back in a bath-chair she was pushed into the warm, sunny April
morning, into the middle of a soft green garden.
It was her first untrammelled, happy day. She was like a newborn babe. All her
senses were fresh and full of wonder. She saw every insect which fluttered in
the blue sunny air and every flapping of wings from tree to tree. The scent of
the little yellow pink-and-white spring flowers of the hedges and borders held a
new message for her. And with attentive eyes she regarded a magnolia tree
holding up its large, glistening buds to the sunny air. Upon a branch
[Page 186]
sat two young birds huddled closely together.
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 closed her eyes. A soft wind played about
the white birch trees. The spring soil smelt sweet and warm. The birds
twittered.
![[Page 186]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_186.jpg){kind=link}
To keep her eyes shut, only to listen, only to smell. More than this she could not do. In this posture the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist found her. "You look very happy," he said, and patted her hand.
"My life is your work," she reflected. "And I should so much like to thank you for the first spring day of my life, because you were merciful to me. I believe I am the happiest creature in the world." But all this remained unspoken; she felt it only in her heart.
"You look happy," said the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, and she merely answered:
"Yes, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist."
Many happy spring days came, and at last the day also came when she could be lifted out of the invalid's chair and walk a few steps in the garden on GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's arm. Everything was as before, and yet everything seemed so changed, she thought. And on all the paths she saw again young, pregnant women, like blue crocuses, as she thought, smiling.
One morning, before she had strolled out into the park,
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator and the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed
a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s
request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female came into her room and handed her a sealed letter, which
had come from BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. She opened the letter,
and a profound emotion overwhelmed her. A few weeks before the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist had told her that he would assist her
to confront the world for what she was, a woman. He had promised her to write to
the Danish Embassy in Berlin. Now
she took from the envelope a passport, her own passport with her
[Page 187]
own photograph, and upon the passport was written the
name which she had chosen out of gratitude to the city where she had found peace
and life itself: Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
![[Page 187]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_187.jpg){kind=link}
She sank into the chair and said very softly: "Leave me alone now for a little while." GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female understood and went out. For a long time LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 remained sitting very quietly on the chair. She then went softly and diffidently into the park, and sat on a seat which was flooded by sunshine. This little booklet, her passport, she held like a valuable present in both hands. It was the last day but one of April. In two days it would be the first of May. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had kept his promise. He was dead, and she was alive—Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
So the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist found her. He sat down beside her. Not a word was said. The next morning he came again, and his voice was softer than usual. His rather stern face beamed with benevolence. He held her hands and spoke many hopeful words to her. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 knew that in a few hours he would depart, and be away for several weeks. She pulled herself together and tried to thank him for all he had been to her. But she could not utter a word. When he had gone she felt utterly lost. Only one thing gave her consolation: that she was allowed to remain in this asylum which he had given her, and that she might here await his return.
He was leaving for the South.
A few days later everything had become lonely and empty. Easter was over and
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator was saying good-bye. She was
obliged to return to ParisParis (historical), capital of France for some time. It
was a Monday morning. The car which was to take GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator to the station stopped
[Page 188]
on the drive in front of the hospitalMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik
in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 went with her to the vehicle. It was the first time that
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had ventured into the world without,
beyond the park
wall.
When LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 returned alone through the park, it was some time before she realized whither she was
going.
![[Page 188]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_188.jpg){kind=link}
XV
Letters passed from LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator in ParisParis (historical), capital of France and from GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator back to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. The whole cityDresden (historical), city in Germany was bathed in spring. The patients spent many hours on the banks of the broad streamThe banks of the Elbe River (historical); a river in Central Europe that runs through Dresden which LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had seen for the first time a few weeks before when she came from BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. How the world and her life had changed since that day! LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 mentioned this in every letter she wrote. They were mostly cheerful letters, breathing serenity and the blitheness of spring. And the letters which LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 received from ParisParis (historical), capital of France brought none but joyous news and many cordial wishes. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator often conveyed greetings from ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini. From ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 came treasured words. Hardly a day passed without bringing a message from friends to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. And hardly a day passed but that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 wrote gay, confident words to her friends. Days and weeks went by quietly, without LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 asking a question.
All her burdens seemed to have slipped away. If she could only stay here always!
Never go away from here! That was her daily prayer. And so she forgot her fear.
She felt invulnerable against all adversity. She was like a piece of ground that
was cleared for the first time. And when of a night, at first shyly and then
with increasing confidence, she contemplated her body, she experienced a sweet
secret joy. For she saw all her members
[Page 190]
either swelling or tightening, and how miracle
after miracle was working in her. And in these nocturnal hours, quite alone with
herself and her joy, she could stand in front of the mirror and gaze at the
picture of her young woman's body. It gleamed back at her immaculate from the
silvery sheen of the mirror. Yet she dared not confide in any creature upon
earth the happiness which she felt in these silent hours. Not even in her
letters.
![[Page 190]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_190.jpg){kind=link}
"6th May, 1930.
"Dearest GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator,
"How changed is everything here in the private ward! Formerly the days were passed eventfully enough, or in the expectation of events, and now nothing happens any longer. On the day of your departure the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female was called to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany on family business. During her absence—which will probably last a week—her place will be taken by Sister MargaretMargaret (fictional), no known historical model.
"Every day sees the departure of women who
are cured. And fresh patients come. There are now three of us in the private
ward, and we are sunning ourselves outside in the garden,
in invalid chairs on the lawn. There is a fair little ladyMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model, still very young, whom I like very much. She looks
most attractive. We smile at each other now and then from a distance. But that
is all up to now. I do not like the garden any longer.
You have gone. And the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist has gone.
What shall I tell you? I don't know. An oppressive silence reigns here now. Even
in my room I walk about softly, as if I feared to
[Page 191]
disturb the silence. Everything seems to be wrapped
in the magic sleep of the fairy tale."
![[Page 191]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_191.jpg){kind=link}
"8th May.
"Thanks for your letter. It was such a distraction. I am glad that you have fallen into the way of your work again.
"I have made the acquaintance of the little fair ladyMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model. When one of the doctors was passing yesterday—we were lying in our chairs out in the garden—we suddenly looked at each other and smiled. So it began. And then we started chatting. It transpired that she is half a Dane, her mother coming from DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen.. She said: 'I guessed at once that you are a Dane, from your long slender legs, just like mine. They are the Northern speciality. I inherited my legs from my mother.' And then she proudly showed me 'her Northern speciality'. How glad I am to have once more a person with whom I can converse! The nurses have nick-named her Mrs. TeddybearMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model, on account of her woollen cloak, which she always wears in the garden. Then she said: 'I think we have the same figure. We could certainly wear the same clothes and shoes.' I think so too. Unfortunately she is not yet allowed to go for a walk, otherwise we should have gone into the town together. She has to undergo an after-treatment, which will take some time. The third lady, Mrs. TeddybearMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model told me, is an opera singer from North Germany. She is supposed to have undergone a difficult operation.
"I read newspapers, which tell me what the
[Page 192]
weather is like with you in ParisParis (historical), capital of France and on the Riviera,
where the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist now is. Have you given
ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923 my greetings?"
![[Page 192]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_192.jpg){kind=link}
"9th May.
"Everything here is still wrapped in magic slumber. We hear nothing of the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. Nobody knows when the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female will return. Early this morning a fourth lady joined us in the garden, a young woman who has just had a child.
"Mrs. TeddybearMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model and I have become close friends in the meantime. She has poured out to me her little overcharged heart. She and her husband are not on good terms. She hears almost nothing from him. Yesterday she showed me in her room a portrait of her husband. I believe she is very sad. The poor thing! She is scarcely twenty years old. Suddenly she asked after—my husband! I had to pull myself together, for I must not betray myself. And so I merely hinted that matters were much worse with me, so bad that I could not speak about them. Then she did not ask any further questions. She only looked at me very sadly. Her eyes glistened with tears. And I was in no better case. And then we smiled again.
"I am so glad that she has given me her confidence. She is the first woman to pour out her heart to me in my woman's existence.
"We are now inseparable. With the
nurses
I stroll about the garden. In the evenings we walk
through the streets a little, to look at the passers-by. Yesterday afternoon I
went with
[Page 193]
Sister FriedaFrieda (fictional), no known historical model as far as the ElbeElbe River (historical), river in Central Europe that runs through Dresden. Then we adjourned to a little café and ate cakes. My first proper walk."
![[Page 193]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_193.jpg){kind=link}
"10th May.
"To-day I am able to tell you something amusing. The young lady who had a baby has a dear old mother who comes daily and always stays a long time. Yesterday in the garden she nodded to me in a friendly fashion, and this morning, as I was lying in the invalid's chair, she came to me, gave me her hand, and asked sympathetically: 'How are you, little woman? I suppose you too have had a baby?' I was embarrassed. But that lasted only a moment. Then I said evasively that I had undergone two operations. Probably the old lady did not hear very well, or misunderstood my answer. I had spoken very softly. And do you know what she answered? 'Two babies?' No, that is really too much for you!' I had to keep a straight face. If the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had heard that!
"If Mrs. TeddybearMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model asks me, what shall I say? It is no joke to be in my shoes."
"11th May.
"The head doctor has a
delightful little ape, with whom he often strolls in the garden. It is the dearest little creature. I want to ask him if
he cannot take it with him when he makes his round of visits. He is very
amiable. I have got quite accustomed to him. He told me this morning that I was
now looking very robust. I feel quite well in myself. How happy that made
[Page 194]
me! I should like to look really pretty when
the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist returns. Half his holiday
has now expired. You will soon meet him in ParisParis (historical), capital of France.
![[Page 194]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_194.jpg){kind=link}
"I am now going for a short walk with the opera singer. Yesterday we made each other's acquaintance. She speaks French quite well."
"12th May.
"Yesterday I exerted myself rather too much during the walk with the opera singer. We had again gone to the ElbeElbe River (historical), river in Central Europe that runs through Dresden. The weather was glorious. She told me about her operation. Then we talked about the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. She said: 'You can have no idea how much I envy you. You will be allowed to remain in the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." a long time, but my stay is nearly up. It is so lovely and peaceful here. Unfortunately I am very cowardly, as I am afraid of pain. I would rather die than be operated upon again. I admire your serenity. Your operations must have been very serious, and yet you are expecting still another. . . .'
"I had to smile cordially and even a little proudly. I said: 'Ah, one gets accustomed to everything.' You ought to have seen her horrified eyes!
"And so we went on chatting without noticing that we had forgotten to turn back. I had become very tired. The singer simply had to drag me along. At length we got back to the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". In future I will be more careful.
"Then I must tell you about a conversation I
had yesterday with a friend of Teddybear.
She was a pretty, elegant, and interesting woman, only somewhat—learned. She is
a doctor here
[Page 195]
in DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany. No
doubt Mrs. TeddybearMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model had told her
something about myself. We chatted in a very animated fashion about unimportant
things. I laughed a good deal. I affected a superficial and careless demeanour.
That was all very well in its way; but I had provoked the doctor's displeasure,
Suddenly she said: 'You are a hundred
per cent woman.' That sounded very sympathetic. 'How do you make that out?' I
inquired with a smile. 'You are very coquettish and your head is full of
nonsense. I believe you would like the lords of creation to tyrannize over you.
But perhaps you achieve more by your methods than we modern women. What we have
to fight for you achieve in a twinkling by means of a few tears. You seem to me
like a female type of a vanished age.' I laughed saucily. 'And may I ask what
this vanished female type is like? I am extremely curious to know.'
The lady doctor looked at me a moment before answering
very scornfully: 'Women like you are best suited for
a—harem.'
What do you say to this psychoanalytical diagnosis? When you see ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923, you must tell him. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist too. I laughed till I cried.
![[Page 195]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_195.jpg){kind=link}
"TeddybearkinsMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model has given me an exact description of her operation. In her room she showed me the scars it had left. She also inquired about mine. I had to pretend to be downright stupid, as if I did not know why I had been operated upon at all. Dearest, dearest GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, and yet it is so lovely to be a woman here among women, to be a female creature exactly like all the others. . . ."
"14th May.
"Dearest of all.
"Yesterday the head doctor visited me with his little ape. It immediately installed itself on my table. Some salad had remained over from lunch, and this was given the little animal. How well-mannered it was, to be sure! His master was very proud. After the meal it washed its paws in a little bowl which I pushed towards it. I had to laugh heartily, and I can do so now without feeling any pain. Isn't that fine? This is a sure sign that everything is healed up. The head doctor then said that I was now so well that I could recuperate in some sanatorium. I declined emphatically. 'The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist wants to operate on me again!' He looked serious for a moment. 'All right,' he then said, and smiled; 'but that will only be a minor operation.' Well, I said nothing, but thought the more. I know these minor operations.
"I am so excited over your letter. Perhaps you know when the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist returns. Here no one knows anything. The nurses think that the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female will be back to-morrow. TeddybearkinsMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model is now permitted to take walks. She is coming for me in an hour's time, and then we will take a stroll through the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948."."
"15th May.
"So the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist will be in ParisParis (historical), capital of France in
a few days' time? Then he will pay ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of
the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques a
visit. What things have happened since January, since ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of
the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques's last conversation with the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist! Then she was with him in the company
[Page 197]
of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter. It
hardly bears thinking of. I am trembling all over. Isn't life wonderful? It is
lovely. I have become so credulous, so credulous . . . and so grateful . . . and
so full of hope.
![[Page 197]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_197.jpg){kind=link}
"I keep reading your letter over and over again. My heart is thumping until it feels like bursting. You will soon see the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist! You will be there when he talks to ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques! If only I could be there too! I console myself with the thought that he will soon be here again. Then I shall feel saved once more. No one here is allowed to witness my excitement, or to learn what is going on in my mind. It is hard, but it is also splendid. Now I shall count the days and soon the hours . . . and then the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist will be here again. You will certainly understand my longing. What should I be without him? I owe my whole life to him."
"15th May.
"You will get another letter to-day.
The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed
a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s
request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female is now back again. How glad I
am to see her benevolent, motherly face every day! The whole of the private ward
is now undergoing a great spring-cleaning. Everything smells of soap, soda,
polish, and new curtains. The clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik
in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948."
is getting ready for the return of its lord and master. The nurses skip along so
swiftly that their white skirts look like bellying sails in the wind. IlseIlse (fictional), no known historical model—the little maid who waits on me—is polishing
the lock of the door in my room. Everything is shining and sparkling. And she
herself glows like one of the newly opened roses in the garden. Later on I shall
[Page 198]
take a little walk in the garden with Mrs. TeddybearMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model. It is so sunny there now. The birds are twittering the
whole day until late in the evening.
![[Page 198]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_198.jpg){kind=link}
"The opera-singer has now left us, but a fresh lady has already arrived. She has a stern face. She has come here for her confinement. TeddybearkinsMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model says it will be a girl. Hence it will not be born until the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist is back. Boys make no bones about getting born, but girls can only come into the world with the help of the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. Her logic is very amusing."
"17th May.
"The white birch trees are now casting long shadows. The sun will soon disappear behind the clock-turret near the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's balcony. The bright red blossoms of the magnolia tree—you know it—give off a heavy scent. I am overjoyed! I am lying in the chaise-longue -@Editor: PLC, in the centre of the garden, and writing to you. It is my Garden of Eden. Soon the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist will be here again. The rhododendron bushes under his balcony are in bloom. Like great lilac flames they gleam between the fir trees. I have to keep looking and smiling at the balcony. The turret clock is striking six. The thought suddenly occurs to me that you, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, and the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist are now talking to each other in ParisParis (historical), capital of France. Perhaps you will be with ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques this evening. My thoughts try to flit through space to you. It is a strangely quiet hour around me. When was I so glad as I am to-day?
"The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed
a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s
request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female
had said that the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist will probably be
here in the morning.
No,
[Page 199]
I stated definitely, not until the day after
to-morrow, and I looked very
mysterious. She looked at me astonished. She was not aware that I had received a
letter from you.
![[Page 199]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_199.jpg){kind=link}
"What a scent from the magnolia tree! The whole of spring is contained in its fragrance. A petal has fallen on my chaise-longue. The magnolia tree wants to send you greetings. You shall have the petal. I cannot write any more now. I will only think, in blissful silence, of you and my happiness."
"19th May.
"He came this morning.
"I had made myself as pretty as possible. At first I dared not leave my room—until it became intolerable. I crept along the corridor and spoke to one or two nurses. Suddenly the large folding door opened behind me, and in a trice the sisters disappeared. . . . I stood alone . . . as if nailed to the floor, and could not move.
"'Good morning,' I heard a voice say behind
me. My knees trembled. He came towards me, embraced me, and regarded me with a
smile. 'You look fine,' he said. I had to lean against the wall, to avoid
swooning. I stammered a few stupid words; but he had already disappeared. And
what did I do? I went back to my room dejected, and wept. Somewhat later
the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist came to me in the course of
his rounds. I had calmed down again and was quite rational; I could listen with
composure and without trembling. He told me about you and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of
the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques. He also said that you would soon
[Page 200]
be coming to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany. Splendid! Splendid! He brought a small parcel with him
from ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of
the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques. It was wrapped in a green silk
band. And what did it contain? A perfectly ravishing night-dress!
The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist smiled when I showed him
ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of
the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques's present.
![[Page 200]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_200.jpg){kind=link}
"You see how correctly I guessed? About six o'clock in the evening of the day before yesterday you were together. My feelings did not deceive me!
"Now I am waiting impatiently for your letter. I hope it will tell me everything that the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist has told you about me. I feel very exhausted—of the joys of this fine day. Joys, too, consume strength. I do not as yet possess such a terrible lot."
"20th May.
"An hour ago I received your dear letter. I have read it many, many times. I am so glad! The last operation is now imminent.
"The Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." has awakened from its fairy-like sleep. What activity reigns here once more! Only you are now absent, else everything would be as it was before. Since yesterday many fresh patients have arrived, and the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female has her hands full.
"My little friend, Mrs. TeddybearMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model, left me yesterday. The 'stern lady' has had her baby—it was a girl.
"I must break off now. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist is passing, and my heart is beating violently.
"I must first get used to the idea that I
shall now be seeing him daily. We have had to live
[Page 201]
without him three long weeks. It does not matter if I
have no longer any friends.
![[Page 201]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_201.jpg){kind=link}
"IlseIlse (fictional), no known historical model is bringing me breakfast. I am not allowed to breakfast in the garden under my magnolia tree. Life is so wonderful! To be able to stay here always! It would be too lovely!"
"22nd May.
"I could not write yesterday. TeddybearkinsMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model visited me. It was delightful, although I did not believe that she came exclusively on my account. Then—think of it—I went out alone. Alone for the first time. I am now allowed to do so. I bought various things: silk stockings, powder, confectionery, and the like. How delightful it is to be addressed as 'madam'! You must not smile when you read this. I have also bought some lipstick. 'Take these, madam; guaranteed kiss-proof,' declared the shopkeeper. I bought it with a smile. When I told the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female about this, she also smiled. Then I wondered to myself whether my smile was not somewhat melancholy. I saw the little shop assistant in my mind's eye. For her it is certainly desirable to use kiss-proof lipstick. But for me? No, no, no, what am I saying? It would be best to delete this passage.
"I have received a delightful letter from
ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of
the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques. She too mentioned a conversation
with the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist about my new operation. I
did not understand everything she said. Should I ask the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist? It would not come easy to me. He has a strange way of
making me submissive.
MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed
a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s
request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female and the nurses are quite incensed over
my 'transformation' since the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist's
return;
[Page 202]
they say that I have completely lost my
independence. I haven't even the courage to ask him when my next operation is to
take place."
![[Page 202]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_202.jpg){kind=link}
"23rd May.
"What a disappointment! To-day the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist came alone to me—without MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female. And I plucked up courage. Very cautiously I put a few questions about my new operation. He cut me off short by saying that I was not to let my mind dwell upon the subject. Basta! I wanted to excuse myself, and said that I had only asked out of foolish curiosity. I behaved like a schoolgirl. Then I felt his gaze. 'All right, all right. Don't think about such things. Why do you want to burden your young life in this way? Just go on living for the day, without bothering, and leave all the rest to me.' Then he went. I remained sitting in my room crushed. Of course, I understood quite well that I ought not to bother myself about the matter. Sometimes I think that he is treating me in such a way as to obliterate every trace of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter which might still be slumbering in me. Certainly this must be why he is so strict with me. If that is really his intention, he is succeeding. You must believe me when I say that I have forgotten AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and everything connected with him. For me he is a dead person. If by chance a recollection arises in me, I see nothing but clouds, vague clouds. But I should like to know just how long the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist intends leaving me out at grass pending the last operation. I am longing for a letter from you. When are you coming?"
"24th May.
"This will be quite a short letter. I have been in the town with Mrs. TeddybearMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model the whole afternoon. We went into a number of large costumiers' shops and inspected clothes, hats, and other delightful things. I bought a pair of very pretty shoes with the highest heels that I could find—a combination of varnish and snakeskin. They look perfectly delightful. To-morrow we are again going on the spree. It does me good to go out into the bustle of the town. Otherwise, the waiting for the operation would get on my nerves. I hardly see the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist these days; moreover, he has a lot to do. Since his return there have been many fresh operations every day."
"25th May.
"At last! To-morrow it comes off! When shortly after breakfast I was about to say goodbye to the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female—Mrs. TeddybearMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model was already there waiting for me—she explained briefly and to the point: 'You cannot go out to-day. You must go back to bed immediately, as you are to be operated upon to-morrow.' I had to obey. TeddybearkinsMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model went with me to my room, in order to console me. Soon MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female came, sat beside me, chatted to us both, and once more assured me that the new operation was a trifle. Then she took Mrs. TeddybearMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model away with her, and I was left alone with my thoughts.
"Even operations tend to become a matter of
routine! Strangely enough, I had tidied up my wardrobe and chest of drawers
early that
[Page 204]
morning. It looked like a presentiment.
Everything was now in its place. I had only to say to the nurses: 'In the
right-hand drawer are night-dresses and in the drawer below handkerchiefs, etc.'
My 'beauty-parlour' I had fixed up in a press beside the bed. Thus I had
everything which I needed ready to hand. Your vain LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 would always like to look pretty—even when she is being
operated upon. I must do the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist
credit.
![[Page 204]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_204.jpg){kind=link}
"I have had to leave off writing for a short time. Sister FriedaFrieda (fictional), no known historical model has been with me. The indispensable and not altogether pleasant preparations are over. I am somewhat exhausted. Hence for a few moments I felt very disheartened. The thought occurred to me that it would perhaps be best if I did not survive the new operation. I realize that it is a serious thing—and probably very painful afterwards.
"A few days before I had asked the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female in jocular mood whether a local anæsthetic would not be sufficient this time, as I had a desire to watch the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist while he was operating. Moreover, to combine the useful with the pleasant, I should have something more of the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's company in this way. His daily visits, in fact, only lasted a few minutes. The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female looked at me quite horrified.
"'Impossible! We do not employ local anæsthetics here, least of all with abdominal operations.'
"I hung my head. I wanted to cry. Suddenly I
felt a sickly terror. One day I shall have to leave my beloved clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik
in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." and my great protectorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist.
[Page 205]
Would it not be better for me to sleep quietly
between the white birch trees where I have been so happy? But the next moment I
realized that I must not think of such things, and that I must not think of
dying. That would be treachery towards the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist, after all he has done for me. No, I will not die. I
know that I shall pull through."
![[Page 205]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_205.jpg){kind=link}
"26th May, 8 a.m.
"I am now ready and waiting to be summoned. Since five o'clock this morning I have lain awake. I made a careful toilet, and put on ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques's pretty night-dress for the first time.
"Yesterday evening TeddybearkinsMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model sent me a gramophone. I was visited with a crazy longing for music. And behold me—all dressed up—listening to the 'Magic Flute'. While I was looking in the mirror, and raising my arm as if dancing, it suddenly struck me that this silk night-dress was more appropriate for a bridal night than for an operation. Quickly I slipped it off, and put on a quite simple gown.
"Now I hear an ambulance coming. I think it is stopping in front of my door. The nurses will soon be here now.
"If it should turn out badly, you must thank the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist for all that he has done and tell him that I spent the happiest time of my life in the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". Also give my greeting to ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini—and ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923. I often think of him. Yesterday I received a dear letter from him. Tell him that I will soon write.
"Dearest GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, everything of good in my life has come from you and the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist."
"27th May.
"Now things are somewhat better. At the moment of writing I feel scarcely any pain. I know the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist telegraphed you that everything passed off well. Yesterday's awakening was horrible.
"'You must keep your legs still,' said the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. Only then did I notice that my legs were continually moving—as if I were cycling. With pain! And then they did not stir again—as if they were paralysed. So great is his power over your poor LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
"Afterwards he bound my legs fast to a heavy sand-cushion.
"I have no idea how the afternoon and night have passed! I only know it was horrible. But do not be uneasy; things are somewhat better now."
"28th May.
"Thanks for letter and telegram. You need not
worry. However terrible my present state is, it must be endured. Yesterday,
after waking up, the young nurse who was keeping watch
beside me said: 'Try to smile just for once, madam—the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist is coming again in a moment.' Otherwise I cannot recall
his being with me. God knows how much morphia I have taken since the day before
yesterday. Probably my groans and screams could be heard a mile away. Prior to
the last two days I had no suspicion of what pain really meant. Yesterday
evening the little sister sat beside my bed and wept, I
believe out of sympathy. But to-morrow
[Page 207]
I shall certainly be better, and then I will write
again."
![[Page 207]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_207.jpg){kind=link}
"29th May
"How dear of you to write every day! It comforts me in my misery. The worst is that I must not move. I have a tube in the abdomen, and consequently I must keep my legs still. Thank God, I can move my arms, otherwise it could not be endured.
"I do not like to show myself to the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist—without powder and rouge. In the morning I spend whole hours on my toilet—however hard I find it. Often my arms drop out of sheer weariness. You have no idea what exertion it calls forth, and the result is mostly insignificant. Vanity? Perhaps it is just my vanity which is sustaining me these days. It is the means of giving me some occupation. Sometimes I even think that the most immortal element in me is my vanity.
"There is a new nurse, who is called EllenEllen (fictional), no known historical model, and who is always good-humoured. She and the little FriedaFrieda (fictional), no known historical model look after me in turn. They are terribly good to me. I may not yet laugh. It hurts so. If only you can come soon!"
"31st May.
"I have just passed two more terrible days.
Consequently you have not heard from me. Just as I thought the worst was over, I
was suddenly gripped with terrible pains. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist, who was fortunately in the neighbourhood, was
summoned. I was pushed headlong into an examination room. At first, on the way,
I groaned—
[Page 208]
but when several strange ladies passed us I
pulled myself together. I did not want to show weakness in front of
strangers.
![[Page 208]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_208.jpg){kind=link}
"During the examination my knees were clamped to the bed. I felt so miserable that I scarcely noticed what was happening to me. I only saw the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist standing in front of the window, his back turned to me. 'Count,' he said, and then I became aware of the repellent odour of ether. It lasted longer than usual. I came to 37. When I awoke the doctors were there to put me to bed. Then I heard someone laugh. I had, in fact, called out: 'Where is the little ape?' I had dreamed that the little ape which belonged to the head doctor was sitting beside me and eating my salad.
"The next day, which was yesterday, the pains started again. Again the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had to be fetched; but this time there was no anæsthetic! I screamed terribly, and afterwards violently reproached myself for doing so. I saw from the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's expression that he was suffering with me; but I could not control myself. When it was over I was given a larger dose of morphia, but it was some time before it took proper effect. I noticed my thoughts were becoming confused. I heard myself groaning and screaming as if from a long distance, and always the same thing: 'Give me my clothes. I will jump off the cliff! I will not die in the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.", to please the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist.'
"MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed
a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s
request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female,
and silent, pale Sister HannahHanna (fictional), no known historical model, sat
beside my bed. I sensed their presence as if through a cloud, and felt that they
wanted
EINAR WEGENEREinar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener;
died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931 (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter) AS LILI ELBELili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, FEBRUARY 1931
[Page 209]
to console and calm me. At last I cried myself off to
sleep.
![[Page 209]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_209.jpg){kind=link}
"When I awoke, I felt somewhat better. Then I discovered the tube was choked up. When the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist was with me in the evening, I excused myself for my uncontrollable behaviour.
"'Now, don't be too sensitive. I know you have had agonizing pains,' he said. 'Not on that account, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, but out of respect for you I am sorry that I misbehaved,' I said. Then he took my arm, patted it, and smiled down on me affably and soothingly. Everything I had suffered was obliterated and forgotten through this smile. You see, I am much better to-day, else I could not have written you such a long letter.
"Come soon. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist is also asking after you."
"1st June.
"Now progress is really rapid. I think the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's smile yesterday evening gave me new vitality. I keep recalling it. It was also high time, for it was a long time since he had smiled on me.
"Since the last operation he has always looked very stern. I do not think he is pleased with the poor progress I am making. I was very unfortunate! He has certainly good reason to be stern. Perhaps it was a mask, as he is fighting for my life. There was not time for outward display of sympathy. Perhaps such emotions would have been too much for me.
"Now I feel that I am returning to life—
[Page 210]
although I am still lying with the tube inside
me and my legs tightly bound.
![[Page 210]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_210.jpg){kind=link}
"I shall never forget all that sister EllenEllen (fictional), no known historical model and sister FriedaFrieda (fictional), no known historical model have been to me during these dark days. They were my good fairies. They have a place in my heart.
"Little IlseIlse (fictional), no known historical model brings me fresh flowers from the garden every day. In the evening she or Sister FriedaFrieda (fictional), no known historical model sits with me. Then the gramophone plays. How music soothes my nerves!
"More than once it seemed as if the tube had got out of position; but it was always pushed back. I long so much to be able to move my legs a little! Moreover, I know that I shall not go out into the garden until everything is over. When the window is open and the scent of blossoms is streaming in, I long so terribly for my seat on the lawn under my beautiful magnolia tree.
"Thank you a thousand times for your letter."
"3rd June.
"Yesterday TeddybearkinsMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model was again with me. She was the purest sprite, laughing and relating stupidities. I had just had my breakfast. As I had a very poor appetite, she ate everything up in a twinkling. Then she sat on the window-seat, dangled her long, pretty legs out of the window, and smoked one cigarette after another. Suddenly we heard the folding door outside being opened. Like a flash she was out of the window. The next moment, the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, accompanied by MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female, entered the room.
"He certainly noticed the cigarette-smoke—he looked at me rather strangely. I could not, of course, utter a sound.
"'Look what an appetite Frau LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 has got now!' said MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female, beaming and pointing to the empty plates. They were scarcely outside the room before I heard a ringing laugh. Smoking in the rooms is strictly forbidden. But I surmised that out of sympathy with me, MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female explained to the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist that I was not the sinner.
"Early this morning TeddybearkinsMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model was here again. And then I could
take my revenge. She had brought her friend, the lady doctor, with her. Mrs. TeddybearMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model then told us that she was once obliged to wait
several hours for a consultation with the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist. 'Here one learns to wait,' she had then said to
the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist. 'Yes, that is the first
thing I teach young ladies,' the friend answered, quick as lightning. And then they both declared
with one voice that it was really ludicrous to be afraid of the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist, that my respect for him was too
comical for words. He was the most amiable man; but a modern woman who was
afraid of one man was a ridiculous creature. They had scarcely finished chaffing
me before the door opened and the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist
was standing in the room. And both my modern champions of the sex withdrew
blushingly and almost panic-stricken. Not until long after the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist had evacuated the field did they
venture to put in an appearance. TeddybearkinsMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model was then very dejected. But the learned madam of the medical faculty
again rode the
high horse. 'That's the way to subjugate
[Page 212]
slave natures. It won't suit me.' 'But why did
you not remain?' I asked with curiosity. 'I could not leave my poor little
friend in the lurch!' For the first time I laughed heartily again. It really
hurt me to do so. And TeddybearkinsMrs. Teddybear (fictional), also Teddybearkins, no known historical model wore
a very guilty expression.
![[Page 212]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_212.jpg){kind=link}
"Shall I have a line from you to-morrow to tell me when you are coming?"
"4th June.
"I have got over everything now. The objectionable tube has been taken away. Early this morning. Suddenly the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist came in—with Sister MargaretMargaret (fictional), no known historical model, who was carrying a tray with instruments. If I see instruments I have palpitations. But this time everything happened so quickly that I had scarcely time to think about it. In a few minutes everything was settled. I began to whimper with joy, like a foolish little girl. 'Does it still hurt?' asked the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. 'No, no—on the contrary.' Then he had to smile. 'If everything functions normally, you will have an injection,' he said shortly, and departed.
"When he returned two hours later, I was beaming with happiness. Everything had passed off normally.
"'Now I am reassured,' he said. I saw that he was satisfied with me.
"I learned afterwards that all the nurses had
worn very anxious expressions the whole day. If everything had not been in order
after the removal of the tube, it would have been necessary to operate upon me
again immediately,
[Page 213]
and it was doubtful whether my strength would have
proved adequate.
![[Page 213]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_213.jpg){kind=link}
"What a wonderful feeling to be able to stretch one's legs again! After lying still for so long my whole body still feels as if it were paralysed. But I am deliriously happy now, because I know that you will be with me in a few days. Perhaps by then I shall be out in the garden again. Oh, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, how beautiful life is! And what a stroke of good fortune that I have been able to spend this lovely summer here! And if there should be no second summer, I have had my fill of happiness. At least I shall have known what midsummer happiness is like!"
"5th June.
"I hasten to write you a few lines. It will be the last letter that can reach you before you leave ParisParis (historical), capital of France.
"To-day I was to try to get up; but my legs would not support me. Sisters FriedaFrieda (fictional), no known historical model and EllenEllen (fictional), no known historical model had eventually to lift me out of bed and place me in the armchair. Still, it was lovely.
"The armchair is close to the window, and I can look out into the garden. They have promised to let me go out into the garden again in the morning.
"I really look very tired. I tell you this only so that you shouldn't have a fright when you see me again.
"To be able to sit under my magnolia tree again!
"There you will find me when you come here in three days' time—in my Garden of Eden."
XVI
Once more LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was lying in her chaise-longue outside in the park. It was now summer. Bees flew humming from flower to flower, and the birds were singing in the trees. The silver birches were now clad in their richest foliage, and when the wind rustled through them it seemed to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 as though little bells tinkled.
Then someone called her name: "LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931!" And the next moment she was enfolded in GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's arms.
Then followed days full of happiness and security. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator came each morning early and watched over every step which LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 now began to take timidly upon the summery paths of the park. And LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 grew visibly better with every day that passed. Soon she could stroll through the park again, free from all pain and all fatigue. Then, arm in arm, like two affectionate sisters, the pair went on voyages of exploration into the town.
One evening, as she was entering the park with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist met her.
"I am quite well now, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. But . . ." She hesitated.
"Well?"
"Could I not stay here a few months longer with you, in case you should want to operate upon me again?"
He looked at her with a smile and shook his head. "No; it is high time for you to go out into the world and try your wings."
The same evening LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 found a bird's nest. It was built under the roof of the covered passage which led from the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's private quarters to the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". A small family of sparrows. The father sparrow and the mother sparrow were twittering and the young sparrows were chirping. Perhaps a little family quarrel, thought LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. Suddenly a young one fell out of the nest and remained lying help less on the path. It fluttered its embryo wings and tried to fly, but in vain. The wings were not strong enough to bear it. And the parents came hurrying out of the nest on to the path and hovered about their young one. Their twittering sounded a note of real terror. They could not get the youngster back into the nest. Then LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 stooped down, took the little bird in her hand, stroked it carefully, and felt the little heart beating against her hand. Suddenly the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female was standing beside her.
"But why are you weeping, Frau LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931?"
Mutely LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 handed her the little bird. "It has fallen out of the nest and cannot yet fly. And the parents cannot help it. It makes me think of myself. I too cannot yet . . ."
She gave the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female the bird, and the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female fetched a ladder and laid the bird again in the nest among its parents and brothers and sisters.
The day of departure from DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany passed off
much more quietly than GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator had
anticipated. When the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist came to bid
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 farewell,
[Page 216]
she said to him simply and calmly: "I owe you,
ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist, not only my life, but also hope
for the future, and all the confidence which I am now feeling. I will now try to
plunge into the world outside—but if I am in need, may I come back?"
![[Page 216]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_216.jpg){kind=link}
The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist only pressed her hand. "Write and tell me where you are, how you are getting on, and what you are doing. And regularly. Tell me everything. And if you want my help, you will always find a refuge and friends here."
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 bade farewell to the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female and the other nurses. When they left the porch and she saw her luggage piled high on the car, she thought with relief how simply and naturally everything was now arranging itself, and how unpathetic and undramatic life was when seen in daylight. The day before, and also the whole night, she had been full of apprehension at this approaching moment of farewell; full of fear and apprehension of life outside the sheltered clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". Now, in the twinkling of an eye, she was sitting in the train with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator on the journey to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany.
And only many, many months later did she realize what a harsh transition from the
peace of the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik
in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." to the
outside world was the sojourn in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. She
understood subsequently why she had been sent out of her paradise on the ElbeDresden (historical), city in Germany
into the noisiest of all cities that she had ever seen. For these BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany days were intended to give her an
opportunity to test herself, to prove her vitality and her capacity for living.
She stayed in a hotel, quite close to the clinicGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic
at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin in which she, as a man, had been lying a few months
before. She felt no curiosity to revisit this place of transition,
[Page 217]
as she subsequently called it. Nor had she any desire
to visit the friends of that time. To move, to live, to gaze and wander unknown
and anonymous among the millions of the giant cityBerlin (historical), capital of Germany, to grow accustomed to the workaday rhythm of others, so
that she could one day share in this rhythm herself—such was the deepest meaning
of this BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany sojourn.
![[Page 217]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_217.jpg){kind=link}
She was not always accompanied by GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator on her strolls through the TiergartenTiergarten (historical), Berlin’s largest park, a popular meeting-place for homosexual men at the time, through the museums and through the noisiest and most animated streets. She often wanted to be alone, thrown quite back on her own resources, in order to find her feet in the whirlpool of BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. For that was it—she must find her own feet, in order to demonstrate to herself that she would be able to go her own way when left to herself. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator let her have her way. She was secretly glad at LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's participation in the great and little things of the day, although she certainly suspected that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was having the hardest possible struggle with herself during these BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany days.
So it was. There were days through which LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931
dragged a tortured and lacerated heart, days when she was oppressed by numerous
fears. It is so easy, she would then think, to bear one's anonymous fate here
among utter strangers; but how would everything shape as soon as this anonymity
ceased, as soon as she was obliged to appear in those circles whence AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter has vanished, to which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter had belonged? She thought of her family in
DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen.. Supposing she never returned
there? Would that not be the simplest? Would it not be better for her, the new
creature without a past and thus without
[Page 218]
a family, to renounce everything connected with
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter? To renounce her friends and
relations in DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen.? To renounce even the
friends in ParisParis (historical), capital of France, in order to start a new
life right from the beginning?
![[Page 218]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_218.jpg){kind=link}
She surrendered herself to such thoughts with fanaticism, with an obstinacy that eventually suggested to her the question as to whether she ought not to part from GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator for ever, secretly, slipping away without a word? Or ought she to speak to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, to tell her in quiet, simple words that their ways must now part? But hardly had she addressed this question to herself than she shrank from the probe. Life and the world about her, everything would become empty and cold if she should renounce everything that once surrounded AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. Would it not even be cowardice, the confession of a guilty feeling, if she should break all the ties with the past—with the past of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter? Would not GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator become lonely if she should part from her for ever?
These days of futile questionings were followed by nights when LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 lay sleepless and pondered upon everything that had happened to her—to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator—to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. And the more intimately, the more longingly, the more ardently she let her thoughts wander through the corridors of the past, the more terrified she became. For she perceived that her whole mental life had been really obliterated from the day when she had been newly created in the city by the ElbeDresden (historical), city in Germany.
A horror came upon her when she saw her questions confronting her without answer,
as if before a mist—a mist which became thicker and thicker
[Page 219]
and eventually extinguished everything which had
formerly been. Faces which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter had known
faded away. A desert surrounded her, an empty waste wherein not even phantoms
emerged from the past.
![[Page 219]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_219.jpg){kind=link}
During such nights she felt close to madness; she dared not confide all that she went through at this time to another person, not even to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. Only two names grew clearer and clearer in her present anguish. And to the names were attached two faces, one of which belonged to ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, and the other to FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband, the young Italian officer, who, an age ago, as she thought now, although it was really no more than a year, had been with them together in RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy. FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband, with whom GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator felt some secret tie, as if instinctively imploring the protection of a man, without being conscious of it in her own mind and without even mentioning his name during these latter weeks. And the more ardently LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 conjured up in her heart the picture of the Italian friendRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband, the more distinctly she felt his features mingling with the picture of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter.
All of a sudden it dawned upon her what a profound and strange secret was bound up with the vow which, on a far-off evening in RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy, when AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, and FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband were sitting together, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter himself had taken: that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband should be united because they belonged to each other, and that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter should disappear.
One night LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 suddenly woke up, stole softly to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, and took her hand.
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was sleeping. She awoke in a fright and saw LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 beside her.
"Have I awakened you?" asked LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
"Oh, I was having such a beautiful dream!" said GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator.
"Where were you in your dreams?" asked LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator answered: "I think we were in RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy."
"And FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband was with you, wasn't he?" asked LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. Then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator put her arm round LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 her arm round GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. And neither spoke another word.
The next morning LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 wrote a short and calm note to FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband:
"Dear Friend,
"I will only tell you that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter has kept his word. He is dead. I know that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator has not yet told you anything about it. Write her and do not neglect her."
Underneath she signed her name, "LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931."
After about a week she returned to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany—to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's home. And again
they went like two sisters through the park of the Women's Clinic, and
the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist rejoiced in them. Again they
said farewell, and, at his behest, proceeded to a quiet woodland village in the Erzgebirge, stayed in a little hotel, lived in the
society of other people who were strangers, and, like them, seeking a few weeks'
convalescence. One day a letter came from ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome. for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator gave the letter to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to read. FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s
second husband wrote
to say that he was at the service of both of them, wherever they were and
wherever he was, and that if they called he would come, and that his heart
belonged to them both. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 felt this day for
the first time in her life as a woman that she had paid
[Page 221]
off some of her debt to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator and that she had bestowed some happiness upon two other
persons. And then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator learned what vow
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter had sworn in RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy regarding himself and her and FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s
second husband.
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On this day LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 said: "Now I have made such progress that we can both go home."
"Home?" asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator.
"I mean . . . DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen., so that you may become free of a person who is long since dead, from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, and so that both of us, you and I, can begin a new life."
A week later they were travelling northward.
XVII
In the sleeping-car bound for CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark—GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator was lying
in slumber most peaceful and profound—LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931
suddenly awoke from a terrible nightmare. She did not know what she had dreamed,
but it seemed to her as if she had been on the point of suffocation. Cautiously
she opened the window. The ferry was in the midst of the sea. It was a grey,
starless August night. And as she stared out, she saw a picture in her mind's
eye. The chief railway station of Copenhagen full of people, and all crying out,
"Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931!" and pointing at her. And a
nameless horror gripped her. She could endure the sleeping-compartment no
longer. She dressed, and in the semi-darkness found her fur cloak, which had
been given her ages ago, in the early spring, in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. She stole out of the car, and crept along the feebly
illuminated gangway, up the damp steps of the ferry, and on deck. Not a person
was to be seen; everybody was asleep. The only sound that could be heard was the
churning up of the water by the propeller. The mast lights were burning dim. The
funnels of the steamer were spurting black smoke. From the refreshment-rooms of
the ship came the reflection of electric light. A few passengers were sitting
there. She leaned over for fear of meeting familiar faces, of being recognized
by anybody here. Like one pursued
[Page 223]
she crept out of the beam of light into a dark
comer.
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She shivered. "No, no," she moaned, "I cannot go to CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark." And the vision she had seen in the sleeping-car below would not leave her. Her imagination painted the picture in colours ever more vivid, and eventually she kept hearing out of the rhythm of the pounding ship's engines the cry: "There she is! There she is! There she is! . . ."
Suddenly she heard footsteps. She dared not look up. She crouched closer in her corner. Like a black shadow she saw a man come striding by. His footsteps echoed right across the deck, died away, and then came closer, and then quite near. The man stopped just in front of her refuge, and struck a match in order to light a cigarette. The flare of the match cast a lurid light over the man's face. Involuntarily LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had peered into the flame. She pressed both her hands before her mouth so as not to cry out. As if in a fever the thought throbbed in her: This man recognized you, and you know people. She shut her eyes; she seemed to be imploring the grey heavens above: "Let me die." And now it was this shriek of anguish which accompanied the rhythm of the engine like a perpetual cry: "Let me die! Let me die! Let me die! . . ."
When at last the man had vanished, and she was again standing quite alone at
daybreak under the grey sky—a metallic reflection of the rising sun percolating
through the dreary, leaden covering of cloud—this cry of anguish kept forming
itself on her lips: "Let me die!" And, tired out, she dragged herself to the
railing, so utterly tired that she could
[Page 224]
scarcely keep herself upright. She stared down
at the dark sea, glittering here and there, without hope, with unseeing eyes,
too weak to resort to flight—flight from home, from herself, from nameless
horror.
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Quietly she crept back into the sleeping-car. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was sleeping soundly and had noticed nothing. Nor would she ever learn of the incident, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 vowed. She undressed noiselessly, crept back into her bed, and shed helpless tears. When GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator awoke, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had exhausted herself with crying, and her face was rigid as a mask. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had to help her dress. The lights of CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark were already twinkling. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator caressed her companion and spoke words of consolation. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 listened mutely and nodded, but could not get the nightmare picture out of her head: the railway station with the thousand pointing fingers: "There she is! There she is!"
But nobody at the vast railway station called out her
name. Nor was anybody there to meet her. With her coat-collar turned up, and a
thick veil round her hat, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 made her entrance
into CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. Helpless as a child,
she clung to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator the short distance
across the platform and the flight of steps leading to the waiting-room. She
dared not look up; she trembled violently whenever she passed a group of people,
like a person who had committed a crime and thought she was being followed from
all sides. The waiting-room had only a few occupants, and they sat down in its
extreme corner. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator had directed a porter
to put their luggage in the cloakroom. Then one of Grete's cousinscousin (fictional), historical figure unidentified
appeared. He was the only person whom
PORTRAIT OF THREE WOMEN (LILILili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 IN
CENTRE) BY GERDA WEGENERGerda Maria Frederikke Gottlieb Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator;
married to Einar Wegener (GRETE SPARREGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator)
[Page 225]
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator had advised of their arrival. At
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's request it had been arranged that
they should meet in the waiting-room. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter had hardly known this cousincousin (fictional), historical figure unidentified—LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was afraid of the
curious eyes of this semi-stranger—but the cousincousin (fictional), historical figure unidentified greeted them very simply.
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Believing that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 would proceed at once to Lili's married sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954), who lived in a suburb of CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, he had not booked rooms for them. Now, however, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 suddenly refused to go to her sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954). AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had last seen her two years before, and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had now neither the strength nor the courage to meet the sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) who was only a year older than AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter.
"Very well," declared GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator; "then I will see about an hotel," and went to the telephone. To every inquiry the same answer was returned, We are full up—no room available! It was August, and CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark was crowded with summer visitors. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 lapsed into sheer despair. Eventually, after a dozen refusals had been received, an hotel was found which offered a little room on the top floor. A quarter of an hour later LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was sitting in this room. The whole day she did not venture to go out, but in the evening, without asking LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator notified Lili's brother-in-lawChristian (fictional), Andreas’s brother-in-law; modeled on Thomas Christian Thomsen (1883-1963), married to Einar’s sister Christiane and father of Einar’s nephew, Sigurd of their arrival.
He came at once to the hotel and wanted to take LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 with him.
"Give me just a few days longer. I must get used to the idea of seeing my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) again. I have not the strength yet; I cannot see people—least of all AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' family," implored LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, and all urging was in vain.
"I am afraid," LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 kept stammering. "I am
[Page 226]
so afraid of meeting again people who belonged
to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, who loved AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter and whom he loved. It seems as if I have
murdered him. I know what I am saying is absurd. But I feel as if I were
proscribed or pursued. I would rather die."
![[Page 226]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_226.jpg){kind=link}
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator did not stir from LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's bed that first night in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. It was an endless night, full of perplexity. Nothing was left of the creature who had so confidently left the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". All sangfroid and all hope had forsaken her. "I must go back to the hospitalMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.", where I belong. There is no one elsewhere who loves me and takes me for what I am. I must go back to the white sisters and to the other women in the park, for whom I am no different from themselves—women who need help and are helped."
But she was not yet allowed to return to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany. She was not allowed to stay in the little room of the hotel. The next morning she was taken to—Andreas' sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954).
XVIII
Many weeks later LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 recalled to herself her first encounter with Andreas' sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) in the quiet villa by the Gentofter Lake. She began to keep a diary, in order to render an account of her activities and her new beginning of life. The first shocks of her week at CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark were a thing of the past. She had again found peace and even a certain gaiety. She had even had strength to read through the notes which Andreas' friend in BerlinNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 had made rather less than six months before, at the time when AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter related the story of his life to his friend throughout a night. Her sister's sonNephew (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s nephew, Harald Sigurd Wegener Thomsen (1905-1953), son of Christiane and Thomas C. Thomsen, a young medical student, had encouraged her to start making her own notes. "You would render a service," he said, "to yourself and many other people if you would now record your thoughts and feelings, just at this time when you want to prepare for serious creative work." Also the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, her distant helper, had advised her to try to write down a record of her life and experience.
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator was not living with her. She had taken
up quarters with acquaintances in the town, as nobody in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark was supposed for the present to know
of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's presence or even to be aware of her
existence. Consequently, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator told
everybody who asked after AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter that he
lay seriously ill in a German hospital . . . and she visited her
[Page 228]
friends only now and then in secret. Nor would
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 have it otherwise. She hardly dared do
more herself than leave the garden
in the evening, heavily veiled, with her nephewNephew (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s nephew, Harald Sigurd Wegener Thomsen
(1905-1953), son of Christiane and Thomas C. Thomsen, to take walks in the neighbourhood under his protection.
So far her sole occupation in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark
had been to help GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator to regain her
freedom. It was imperative to prevent the least rumour becoming public, and to
proceed with all possible discretion in the effort to dissolve GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator's marriage with AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter. It was a difficult undertaking, the outcome of which
was by no means certain: no law as yet existed which could be invoked to meet
such a fantastic case. For as one of the spouses, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, no longer existed, how then could a marriage between a
husband who no longer existed and his wife be dissolved? And yet it was
precisely to this "normal divorce law" which both the lawyers instructed, and
the body of judges to whom the case was assigned for settlement appealed as the
sole juridical criterion. This law required that for the period of one year
prior to divorce a separation should be enforced, and after the expiration of
this year a further year must elapse before the marriage could be absolutely
dissolved. In this way GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator would lose two
further years. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 could not endure this
thought. She would not have GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator swindled
out of two years of her life. And as it seemed that the lawyers could find no
other way out of the difficulty, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931
contemplated the drastic step of liberating GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator from the burden of a marriage tie with one who in the eyes
of the law was a dead man by her own voluntary death. Then they were assisted by
a suggestion from an eminent lawyer
[Page 229]
that they
should address a petition to the KingKing (fictional), modeled on Christian X, the King of Denmark from 1912 to 1947, praying
him to declare invalid, by an act of grace, the marriage once contracted by
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter. The petition was delivered at the end of August, and by
the end of September GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 were summoned to appear personally at the
hearing. When GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator inquired whether
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was strong enough to accompany her
thence, she declared, beaming with joy: "If I can give you your freedom with so
little sacrifice, do you believe that I would think of myself even for a
moment?" And this journey to Court was the first common
excursion which GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 undertook. Two ladies appeared before the judges.
None but their two lawyers were present. The hearing took place in strict
secrecy. The whole proceedings lasted barely half an hour. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 shrank from describing them, even from recording them. Nor
did GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator ever refer to them. And a few
days later, on the 6th October, they were apprised of the KingKing (fictional), modeled on Christian X, the King of Denmark from 1912 to 1947's decree, which declared invalid the marriage concluded
between AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator.
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Shortly before this LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had left her sister's villa and found a retreat in a couple of attics in the house of an acquaintance.
They were, indeed, very modest attics, in which she led her quiet life as long as she stayed in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark—as long, as she stayed in DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen., and where she found the necessary composure to put into practice the suggestion made by the son of Andreas' sisterNephew (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s nephew, Harald Sigurd Wegener Thomsen (1905-1953), son of Christiane and Thomas C. Thomsen: to begin her CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark diary.
On the 10th October she began. The first incident she recorded was her meeting with Andreas' sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) .
"When on the second day of my stay in
CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark I went out to see
Andreas' sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954)—now
I know and feel that I may also call her my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954)—I entered a room which I did not know, but in which
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter had often been before. When I
opened the door no one was in the room, and when I took the first step I saw my
reflection in a mirror on the wall: a big, elegant woman with smiling eyes, with
rouged lips, with fresh cheeks, was staring at me. I was satisfied with my
reflection. I knew that I had done everything to make myself as handsome as
possible. In my own justification. Who could reproach me for resorting to all
the beautifying arts to which every woman has a claim. If I should ever paint
myself, I would like to retain this moment on canvas. Scarcely had I regarded my
own person than I saw behind me another picture, enclosed by the same mirror. A
large fjord landscape bathed in sunlight with luxuriant vegetation on both
banks. My heart stopped beating. I turned round; I stared at the landscape in
the heavy gilt frame on the wall. It was a picture which the young AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter had painted of his home. I looked round the room to see if anybody was observing
me. I saw on all walls of the room pictures of landscapes, towns, streams. I
recognized them all as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter' pictures. I
saw all his travels before me. There was the town in Southern France on the LoireBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern
France, where AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator had spent many joyous summer months. And not only
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter! No, I, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, had also lived down there, like a prisoner escaped from
the captivity
[Page 231]
of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter' body.
There was the bridge over the SeineBridges of the Seine (historical), river that runs through Paris in ParisParis (historical), capital of France under the threatening sky. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter had stood on this bridge . . . had peered down at the
river and wrestled with thoughts of death. And pictures by GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator hung beside them. One of them showed me
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, enticed out of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, in woman's clothes. I approached the
picture and could not help stroking it, while tears ran down my cheeks. And I
sat down on a chair in front of the table. A big album was lying there.
Involuntarily I opened it and turned over the pages. I found the pictures of a
fair boy with large blue eyes . . . pictures of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter when he was still a child, innocently happy with
his two brothersBrothers (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s brothers, Holger (b. 1880) and Henrik and his sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954).
![[Page 231]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_231.jpg){kind=link}
"Then the door opened and a lady with dark hair and blue eyes and trembling arms entered the room: Andreas' sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954). I rose to my feet and stood in front of her. And my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) had to look up to me, for I was bigger than she. Then an absurd recollection flashed through me: AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and his sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) had been the same size. From my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954)'s eyes I saw that she was thinking the same thing, and did not know what to make of the idea. I said to her: 'Good day . . . be kind to your sister LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.'
"Perhaps I should have said something
altogether different. I might have said: 'Be kind to me and love me as you loved
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter.' Perhaps I might have said
nothing at all. Or perhaps I might have only smiled and said to her: 'Do not be
surprised because I am bigger than our dead brother AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, for I wear ever so high heels. And don't take this
amiss, because
[Page 232]
I want to be as pretty and ladylike as all
other well-groomed women.'
![[Page 232]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_232.jpg){kind=link}
"Then we sat together on the sofa and in
front of us lying on the table was the album with the portraits of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter as a child. For a long time we held hands.
And my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) was kind; she sought for words.
Her eyes looked at me, her lips said something. And I did not know whether it
was her lips or her eyes which spoke to me: 'Don't be angry with me if I cannot
yet properly call you by your name of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 . . .
if I cannot yet arrange my ideas about you . . . if I only seek for AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter when I look at you, in your eyes, at your
mouth, at your hands, and at your forehead. For I loved AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter' eyes and his forehead so much. I kissed his forehead so
often. You know that, or don't you know it? But AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter knew it. For I am only a year older than AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter. And when AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter and I were quite small, he five and I six years old, I
was his little mother. There was never a prettier, sweeter brother than he. He
played with my dolls, he pushed my doll's pram. And I called him "LillemanAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter"—little
man. Once when I wrote down the name for MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen) and MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen) told me that
I had spelt "Lilleman" with only one "n"
instead of two, I said that my brudderkins AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter was only a "Lilleman" with one "n", for he was not a proper man at all.
MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen) smiled, and you too smiled when you
heard it—no . . . not you . . . AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter
smiled. He did not know, perhaps, why he laughed. And I did not know why I had
said that my AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter was not a proper man at
all. And do you still
[Page 233]
remember how we used to push our doll's pram in the
woods? AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter was so fond of pushing the
little pram. But he was afraid that others would see him and chaff him about it.
And do you remember how I would then place my hands over AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter' little white hands? And do you know why I
did that? AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter never knew why, but I can
tell you now. I did it only in order that if we were surprised by anybody, I
alone could continue pushing the pram, while AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter could quickly remove his hands from the handle, as if
nothing had happened.' And if my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) did
not say this with her lips, she said it with her eyes. But it was no doubt her
lips. I only nodded, and kept nodding. I did not weep. I took it quite calmly
that for many, many days long she was seeking in me with her large, troubled,
woman's eyes only the picture of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter,
her little brother, and, as I now believe, found it. Sometimes, in the first
days, when we conversed with each other frequently with very painful feelings
for many hours, she addressed me as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter.
I felt then as if I ought to die. Nor could I conceal this from her. And then I
would implore her to believe me that I was not AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter' murderer, that if AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter had not died, I should have had to go under with him,
and that if I was living now, I owed him every day of my life. Once I said that
I really had neither parents nor brothers and sisters, as I was born not up here
in the North, but down in GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin.. And
perhaps if motherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen) had bore me as a girl, she
would not have loved me so much as she loved AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter. It was probably on this
[Page 234]
day that my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) said to me that everything that had happened in
DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany was an outrage against Nature;
had been a gamble with Fate; questioning whether AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter could not really have survived; or whether it would not
have been far better for AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter to have
borne his heavy fate and his tortured body to the bitter end. Then she showed me
all the works which she had collected of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, and I perceived that her whole home was really a museum
for AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, for all the walls of her room
were crowded with AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter' pictures. 'Don't
you see,' said my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954), 'what an artist we
have lost in him—how different he was from you?' 'Yes,' I said; 'that only goes
to prove how right AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter was to release
me, for we were two beings, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter and I. I
know that as a person I am far inferior to him, that I shall never be able to
achieve what he achieved, that I shall never be able to paint . . . that I don't
even want to paint. For if I did so I could never approach his standard. But
just because of this you can see that the beings who inhabited the body which
MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen) bore were really two beings. I have
exchanged so much for this life which I must now live alone, as you yourself say
that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter was so much stronger and more
capable than I. He lived and worked during a long life, and I dare hardly show
myself. And if I show myself, you all call me a joke, a deception, a masquerade.
Let us, I beg you, be friends and good sisters for the sake of our dead brother
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter.'
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"Then there was the day on which she said:
'LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, perhaps no wrong has been done. It
was
[Page 235]
certainly the will of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter that everything should happen as it ought to happen. He
was always chivalrous. And hence he released you, and withdrew his life for
yours.'
![[Page 235]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_235.jpg){kind=link}
"It was a terribly hard contest between my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) and me for my recognition as a person, as a sister. And I know how unspeakably hard she found it to believe in me as her sister LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and to receive me, though it were only out of compassion. I did not make it easy for her, for whenever I showed myself, by my character and by the way in which I spoke, in which I moved, in which I thought, I veiled completely the character of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. He was ingenious, sagacious, and interested in everything—a reflective and thoughtful man. And I was quite superficial. Deliberately so. For I had to demonstrate every day that I was a different creature from him, that I was a woman. A thoughtless, flighty, very superficially minded woman, fond of dress and fond of enjoyment, yes, I believe even childish. And I can say it calmly now: all this was certainly not merely farcical acting. It was really my character, untroubled, carefree, illogical, capricious.
"During the weeks I spent in
my sister's house I could not overcome my shyness of people and the
melancholy which oppressed me so here in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. For I noticed, when I regarded myself of an evening
alone in my bedroom, I would look tired, done up, and impossible. And I felt
that everybody in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, even my
family, regarded me as a phenomenon. To be sure, people gradually got used to
me,
[Page 236]
were kind to me, and let me have my own way.
They tried to persuade me that I need have no fear about my appearance, as I
looked like every other woman. Nevertheless, I was assailed by a deadly fear if
I left the garden
with
my sister's sonNephew (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s nephew, Harald Sigurd Wegener Thomsen
(1905-1953), son of Christiane and Thomas C. Thomsen for a short walk. The tiniest smudge on the face intimidated
me at that time so much that I would only sally forth with him heavily veiled. I
felt like a pariah. Other women could be ugly, could commit every possible
crime. I, however, must be beautiful, must be immaculate, else I lost every
right to be a woman. Else I should have dishonoured him who had created me,
Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist. There were days on which I
did not want to leave my room, when I felt pursued by everybody in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. All the feeling of security and
freedom which had been mine in the clinic in DresdenMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik
in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." and also in
BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany completely left me here. And it
was so difficult to write to the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist.
However much I wanted to, I could not bring myself to write him, as he would
only see in me a despondent, helpless, hopeless person."
![[Page 236]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_236.jpg){kind=link}
From the day on which LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 rented her attic in
the townCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, her courage began to rise
again. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator was free, and could begin a
new life. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was the first to telegraph this
glad news to FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s
second husband, their friend in
ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome.. And it was LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, too, who urged GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator
to journey south to join their friend as quickly as she could. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator smiled. She knew LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 better; she knew that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931
still needed her here. For LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 would have to
mix with people and eventually overcome her timidity in the world. So very
[Page 237]
gradually GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator
initiated her most intimate friends into the secret of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's existence, brought LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931
into contact with them, until LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 felt
sufficiently tranquil to take her first walk through the streets of CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. Nobody recognized her. She even
ventured with a number of friends, who immediately accepted her for what she
was, as a woman, into cafés and restaurants. She went alone into shops to make
purchases, and eventually visited a hairdresser's. And when her friend IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul
Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 arrived one day from BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 seemed to have
quite overcome the serious emotional crisis through which she had been obliged
to pass in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul
Knudsen from 1925 to 1938, who had not seen LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 since the first operation in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany, was delighted at her friend's appearance. They spent a
few carefree, joyous, undisturbed days with each other. They shopped together,
visited dressmakers, went on walks and excursions, and finally LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 even ventured with her friend along the "Strog", CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark's Oxford
Street. No, she need no longer
have any fear; nobody saw anything unusual in her; her anonymity in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark seemed to be secured from all
dangers. When, therefore, strolling arm-in-arm with IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul
Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 along the RathausplatzRathausplatz (German spelling, historical), Rådhuspladsen is the central square in
Copenhagen she saw two of Andreas' studio comrades approaching, without
being recognized by them, and when she heard one whispering to the other: "By
Jove, what a fine pair of legs!" meaning LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's
legs, she swallowed the remark with avidity, not only as a compliment, but as a
hundred per cent recognition of her identity as a woman.
![[Page 237]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_237.jpg){kind=link}
Only one thing troubled her rather more than she liked. In contrast to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator's and
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter'
[Page 238]
women friends, who had long since accepted
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 as one of themselves, with few
exceptions, all the male friends of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter
avoided LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator, who had expected help and sympathy for LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 from them most of all, and in this belief had
revealed LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's existence to them, was very
distressed over this failure on the part of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter'
friends,
all the more so as just at that time the whole secret of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931
was divulged in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark through the
indiscretion of a Parisian woman friend and eventually
published in unreserved fashion by an organ of the Press. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 learned of this by accident. All her gaiety vanished again.
For many days she would not stir out of her attic. She paid no heed to anything,
and could not understand why none of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter' friends found their way to her. A little entry in her diary
tells of this:
![[Page 238]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_238.jpg){kind=link}
"How is it possible that all AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' friends here have left me in the lurch? That they all avoid me as if I were a pariah? What have I done to them? AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was always ready to help them. He was always a reliable friend. And now one of them says that just because he esteemed AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter so highly he could never recognize LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 would always stand between him and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. He would shudder at offering her his hand. This sentiment is nothing but an eruption of overweening masculinity. And another excuses himself with other subterfuges. One could not be seen walking with LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 in the streets without compromising himself. CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark was too small to show oneself publicly with such a pitiful creature, unmolested and unsuspected."
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 herself never read the lurid article which a sensational journalist had published concerning AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and her, but the appearance of this article sufficed to clinch her determination to leave CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark as quickly as possible. Now she knew that in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark she was outlawed. And panic-stricken she left the city. She would have preferred to return to GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin. immediately; but one of Andreas' brothers in Veijle Vejlebrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener, their native place in JutlandJutland (historical), the largest region of Denmark, implored her to visit him, if only for a few days. He was ready to accept and cherish her as a sister, and assured her that she could always find a home and peace and quiet with him. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 went to him. She carried out this resolve as if in a dream. "Yes, go," her sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) and everybody who had LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's good at heart had said, "go back again to our little home townVejle (historical), Einar Wegener’s birthplace in the Jutland region of Denmark. Perhaps you will there recover your equilibrium. And if later on you should want to return to your helper in GermanyProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, then do so. But first recover your gaiety and yourself."
A few days before this GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had left for the South—for ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome..
XIX
Lili's brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener and sister-in-lawSister-in-law (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister-in-law, Musse (a nickname), married to Holger Wegener inhabited a villa facing a little fjord town in Jutland. Here she could live undisturbed by curious glances.
She was received most cordially, especially by her sister-in-lawSister-in-law (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister-in-law, Musse (a nickname), married to Holger Wegener, a dear good creature who as a woman showed LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 not only sympathy, but profound understanding from the first moment.
The brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener did not find it easy the first few days to adjust himself to his new sister, but it was not long before he was quite at home with her and could regard LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 simply as a sister.
Brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener and sister-in-lawSister-in-law (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister-in-law, Musse (a nickname), married to Holger Wegener vied with each other to give LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 a peaceful and happy time during her stay in Andreas' home townVejle (historical), Einar Wegener’s birthplace in the Jutland region of Denmark.
She was quite content to be treated as a child who had been ill and must now be cherished and cosseted. Every evening her sister-in-lawSister-in-law (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister-in-law, Musse (a nickname), married to Holger Wegener sat beside LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's bed and held her hand until she fell asleep. She was never left alone the whole day. If she went out, someone went with her. If LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 protested, they would hardly let her speak: even in little towns there were wicked people, and mad dogs, or other dangers. . . .
In these quiet and safe surroundings her nerves got better. She took long walks
in the neighbourhood of the town, along the fjord and into the great
EINAR WEGENEREinar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener;
died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931 (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter), NOW LILI ELBELili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, DRESDENDresden (historical), city in Germany,
1931 (AFTER THE OPERATION)
[Page 241]
forests which were now glorious in their autumn
colours.
![[Page 241]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_241.jpg){kind=link}
Here by the fjord and in the adjacent woods AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had passed the happiest days of his childhood. But nearly all recollections of this had been extinguished in LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. Everything seemed new to her, as if she saw it for the first time. Only now and then, in a particular light, prompted by a sound or a scent, would a far-off memory be kindled in her, as if through a haze. But it was never anything exact that stirred in her.
One day her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener went with her into the town, to show her the old parental house in which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had been born and nurtured and their parents had lived until their death.
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 stood in front of the old house of her parents; she recognized it, remotely and hazily, like something of which one had once dreamed. Her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener frequently asked her if she could not remember this or that incident from common childhood. The brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener was only a few years older than AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. And it had always been AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter who had remembered all the incidents of the past more clearly than anyone else. But LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was always obliged to answer in the negative, however hard she tried to conjure up pictures from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' past. She always had such a strange feeling, as if something were vibrating in the depths of her being. But she was still too weak to form a precise idea of what it was. Frequently these questions tortured her, and her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener felt it and desisted.
It was not through the past that she felt herself linked to her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother
of Einar Wegener and sister-in-lawSister-in-law (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister-in-law, Musse (a nickname),
married to Holger Wegener: but both
[Page 242]
were so kind and considerate that she gradually
felt quite at home with them.
![[Page 242]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_242.jpg){kind=link}
"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931," her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener said one day, "you have now been here almost a whole month and you have not yet visited FatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener's and MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen)'s grave in the old churchyard."
"I should so much like to go there," she answered, "but you must show me where they are buried." Then she burst into tears.
Her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener regarded her with surprise. He took her hands and drew her to him protectively.
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 divined what he was thinking.
"Yes," she said, tormented by a secret fear, "I know I have had neither father nor mother. I am really quite alone in the world, and often think that life is too full of dangers to be able to master it alone. Just for me. You must understand that. My life began amidst terrible pain, and sometimes I fear that everything has been in vain. But then again it seems as if something great and strong has sustained me. Then I feel something precious stirring within me. It may be happiness. In my dreams this happiness is perfect."
Her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener gazed at her with inquiring eyes. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 patted his shoulder. "Dear brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener, perhaps you cannot understand me when I talk like that; but that does not matter, sy long as you are kind to me. Often I do not understand it myself; I do not understand my own life; I can never get over my astonishment."
. . . . .
Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was dead.
. . .
Page 243
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was again living in her CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark attic.
Here she was introduced by her hostess to a young Norwegian veterinary surgeon, who, without knowing what had happened to her, told her that he had been experimenting for a long time with the transplantation and grafting of ovaries upon animals and explained how the effect of these new ovaries was so great as to change completely the animal's character and determined its age. And inasmuch as animals were less valuable subjects than human beings, he had more opportunity as a veterinary surgeon to study this phenomenon by experiments than other doctors. It went without saying that similar processes would be observed in the case of human beings.
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 now realized that the crisis through which she had passed, especially when she was first in DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen., and from the effects of which she was still suffering, was a natural consequence of the implantation which had been carried out upon her. She perceived how her whole cerebral function had received a new direction.
She confided all this to her diary:
"In the first months after my operation it was necessary above all else to recuperate. When this had happened to some extent, the physical change in me began. My breasts formed, my hips changed and became softer and rounder. And at the same time other forces began to stir in my brain and to choke whatever remnants of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter still remained there. A new emotional life was arising within me."
At that time she wrote a letter to Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist:
"I feel so changed that it seems as if you had operated not upon my body, but upon my brain. And although my face still bears traces of what I have gone through, I feel I am getting younger and younger every day.
"Even the name of Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter has no longer a bitter sound for me. He first had his youth, but now I believe that I am going to have mine. And sometimes I find it is unjust for me to retain his age and birthday, for my biological age is quite different from his. And it is also painful for me that his name instead of my name is on the official records. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and I have really nothing whatever to do with each other.
"I have now been a few weeks in his birthplaceVejle (historical), Einar Wegener’s birthplace in the Jutland region of Denmark, but I have felt like a stranger there all the time. Nothing of what is now stirring in me was born in his parents' house. I am newly created. I was born under your auspices in DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany, and my birthday is that April day on which you operated upon me. My temperament, too, is like April weather. I laugh and cry at the same time. My heart is full of expectation as a spring day. And every time I feel stirring within me this new life and this new youth, as if I were mother and child at the same time, then all my thoughts turn towards you in boundless gratitude."
A few days later LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 filled many pages in her diary:
"I know that only doctors can understand me when I speak of the question of my age. And a number of doctors have even promised to help me if I should later attempt to cut loose from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter in this respect, so that I am given an age that corresponds to my physical development as a woman. Others may ridicule this question or regard it with indifference; the important thing, in their view, is that one feels young and gives a youthful impression. I, on the other hand, believe just the contrary—that one is, in fact, actually as old as the official papers state, whether one feels young or old. Yesterday I discussed this question with a friend, who is a lawyer, and said to him:
"'Don't forget: every time one books a room in an hotel, fills up a census paper, applies for a situation, or marries, one must always answer questions about age.'
"And what did he say? He replied that I
must not be so immodest. I must take over AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter' age as a heritage, just as I have inherited all his
rights. Which I vigorously contested. 'Assume, for the sake of argument,' I
said, 'that I have some talent for painting and now began to paint like him.
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter had his contacts as painter. He
had exhibited in a number of salons in ParisParis (historical), capital of France
and elsewhere, and was a member of several of them. Can you imagine my running
to the various exhibitions committees who knew him and there telling my
fantastic story to the best of my ability, in order to claim whatever rights
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter had? Both the French and the
Danish colleagues of
[Page 246]
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter would regard me as crazy if I should
maintain that I was one and the same person as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter. At least I should be regarded as an improbable
phenomenon and ridiculed accordingly.
![[Page 246]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_246.jpg){kind=link}
"No, if I should really paint I would have to build up my career right from the start, as otherwise I should make myself a laughing-stock.
"And can you see me—Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931—claiming the distinction which Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter received from the French stateFrance is a western European country whose capital is Paris. as a painter? Can you imagine me decorating myself with it? No, I revere the memory of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter too much for this.
"I know very well that I am only a stupid female and a mere nobody.
"And, moreover, I am well aware that when one inherits, it always means
that one enters upon the heritage with all its assets and liabilities, and for
this reason one can even refuse to accept an inheritance. I lay no claim to
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter' heritage, least of all to his
birthday, for his birthday signifies for me nothing but a liability. I cannot be
forcibly compelled to take over this heritage. I will not drag AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter' age along with me like a burden, as I
fear that just this very circumstance might be disastrous for my future. You
have only to look at me to see that I lack all the assurance which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter possessed. My next-of-kin, that is,
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter' relatives, tell me every day
how altogether different I am in character from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter. He was planted so firmly upon the earth. He could
withstand
[Page 247]
storms. I feel like a young ingrafted tree which can
be uprooted with the first gust of wind.
![[Page 247]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_247.jpg){kind=link}
"I must now try to devise a livelihood, to undertake something, to earn money for my support. And this is just where age comes in. Once a person secures a position, then it all depends upon how one feels and how one carries out the duties attaching to such position; but if a person has to begin right at the beginning, then everybody asks, especially if the subject be a woman, how old she is. And almost everywhere young people are preferred because it is thought that the future is theirs and that they possess possibilities of development. This applies not only to artists, but to all vocations.
"I admit that my case is absolutely unusual, unique. But cannot you understand how wrong it is to insert my name instead of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' name on the baptismal certificate? My name, Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, whom neither Andreas' fatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener nor motherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen) knew. And now, legally speaking, it is really as if AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had never existed.
"But that is, of course, nonsense, sheer nonsense, as a large number of paintings bear the name of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. You can find his pictures in many galleries and art collections here. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter published books which bear his name. Consequently, I think it was wrong simply to cross his name out of the register and to insert mine in its place."
"And what did the lawyer answer?
"In that case I must regard the name of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, to some extent, as my pseudonym.
"'No,' I retorted, 'that would be wrong,
[Page 248]
as I have nothing whatever to do with AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter' pictures. They were created by AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter. And it is just his pictures that are his
absolute property. As a painter he was no dual personality. When he painted, he
was an entire man, and strangely enough, until his last breath.'
![[Page 248]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_248.jpg){kind=link}
"My friend then inquired whether I had never felt any desire to paint like AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, whose art had been the most characteristic thing about him.
"'No,' I replied, 'I have not the slightest desire to paint. Not because I still feel too weak and tired. No; but it grows more apparent to me every day how little, in contrast with him, I see with a painter's eyes. I have no desire to continue his work. My life must go its own way. I do not mean by this that I am no artist. Perhaps I am an artist. Anyhow, I believe most emphatically that I shall find another outlet for my artistic impulses, that is, for the desire to shape something. But I cannot say anything definite about this now, as I am still quite in the dark.'
"We were strolling through the grounds of Bernstorff CastleBernstorff Castle (historical), Bernstorff Palace in Gentofte, Copenhagen. It was a dreary December day, and my friend asked me whether I had lost all that feeling for Nature which inspired AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter.
"'No,' I said; 'only whatever I look at
now no longer suggests a subject for a picture. I am not "possessed" by a
landscape, by a mood of Nature. If I see anything really beautiful, I feel as if
my subconscious mind were absorbing it. More than this I do not know. Perhaps
one
[Page 249]
day I shall be able to give a visible-audible
expression to all this, in some artistic form, whether it be painting, or music,
or prose, or something else. At the moment I find my greatest release in music.
But when I grow introspective I seem to myself to be like a boat with all sails
spread which drifts at the mercy of every current of the wind. For, indeed, I am
still so very new. I must first have time to find myself. How old am I in
reality? Perhaps the doctors can say. My age has nothing whatever to do with the
age of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, as I did not share flesh and
blood with AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter from the beginning. It
was AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter who possessed supremacy over
this body for almost a lifetime. And it was only later that I developed in our
common body, so that this body evolved until there was no longer any room for
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter.'
![[Page 249]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_249.jpg){kind=link}
"However puzzling all this may sound to others, this is exactly how the matter stands, and, for this reason, I think that the name of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter ought to remain in the register of the church where he was baptised, and that papers ought to be issued for me, who has no home and no country, giving my biological age.'
"My friend parted from me, shaking his head. And this head-shaking was what I encountered from most people."
XX
The many weeks which LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 now passed in her attic, far from GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, were weeks of recuperation.
It was her short life which, looking round and looking back, she confided to the pages of her diary. Since the journey from BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany everything had come back to her again, vividly illuminated by a remarkable light which cast no shadows.
It was a confession which she poured out without restraint and without mercy on herself.
"I feel like a bridge-builder. But it is a strange bridge that I am building, I stand on one of the banks, which is the present day. There I have driven in the first pile. And I must build it clear across to the other bank, which often I cannot see at all and sometimes only vaguely, and now and then in a dream. And then I often do not know whether the other bank is the past or the future. Frequently the question plagues me: Have I had only a past, or have I had no past at all? Or have I only a future without a past?
"I have found a new friendGerman friend (fictional), modeled on Niels Hoyer, pseudonym of Ernst Harthern (1884–1969),
editor of Man into Woman who wants to help me to collect and collate the
loose leaves of my confession. Many years ago he knew AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter
[Page 251]
slightly. He can hardly recall him now. He can
remember his eyes, and in my eyes he has found this recollection. He is a
German, and I am glad of the chance of talking German with him here.
![[Page 251]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_251.jpg){kind=link}
"He told me that when I went to see him for the first time, before I entered the room, he felt somewhat afraid of me, as if he might perhaps feel a repugnance towards me, especially as shortly before he had again glanced at some photographs of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. When I was in his presence, so he told me, every doubt was dissipated, every doubt of my proper existence. He only saw the woman in me, and when he thought of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, or spoke to me about AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, he saw and felt a person beside me or behind me.
"He gave me a new German translation of the Bible. The first volume. The Book of the Beginning, was the title, and I read in it many times the words:
"And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters."
"Is it presumptuous of me, whenever I think of my beginning, always to hear these words, the music of this verse, sounding in my ears?
. . . . .
"I often give the loose leaves of my diary to my German friendGerman friend (fictional), modeled on Niels Hoyer, pseudonym of Ernst Harthern (1884–1969), editor of Man into Woman to read. I ask him to tell me whenever I am obscure, and then a word from him encourages me to proceed. He understands my strange feeling about building this bridge in the dark.
"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator has returned from ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome.. She is radiantly happy, and I rejoice in her happiness.
"She is now living with me, as we need no longer be afraid of going out together. I am not nervous any more. No one takes any notice of me in the streets.
"We talked through many long nights. We talked nearly always of the life that was now coming for her and for me. She was also able to help me out of the difficulties which I encountered so often when writing down my confessions. She always knew the answer.
"She talked a lot about FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband. They wanted to marry without delay, and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator said that her home would then always be my home. FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband knew everything and said that he would always be my friend and protector. And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator declared that we were so closely bound together that she could not imagine herself away from me for long.
"She kept speaking to me in this strain. Then she would say laughingly that I was not only her sister, but also her big grown-up daughter. I had to promise her that I would go to her and FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband soon after their marriage. FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband, too, would welcome me like a grown-up daughter. How happy these words made me!"
A well-known Copenhagen art dealerHeyman and Haslund (fictional and historical), Svend Heyman (1878–1931), Ole who owned Ole Haslands Hus with Georg Haslund (1877–1962), where the Wegeners exhibited in Copenhagen, who was an old friend of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and one of the few who had welcomed LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, suggested that he should arrange an exhibition of the pictures which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had left.
With the assistance of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator he brought the
[Page 253]
whole collection of forty pictures from ParisParis (historical), capital of France to CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, and also many of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator's pictures.
![[Page 253]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_253.jpg){kind=link}
But LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, who had arranged the exhibition together with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, was advised in no circumstances to show herself at the opening of the exhibition. The strictest secrecy was observed towards the newspapers as to the character of the exhibition. To avoid gossip, it was given out that the main object of the exhibition was to raise funds, through the sale of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' latest pictures, to defray the cost of his long illness in a German hospital.
Invitations were despatched to the opening of the exhibition.
This exhibition was not calculated to excite surprise, as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had exhibited in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark nearly every year, and, in fact, in the salons of this friendly art dealer.
On this occasion a strange feeling of suppressed curiosity pervaded the atmosphere on the opening day. The most intimate friends of the artist were, of course, initiated into the secret. But many others, who also made their appearance on this occasion, had heard of the rumours that had long been current in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. And all these rumours, however frequently they had been contradicted, cropped up again phantom-like. Nobody ventured to buy a single picture.
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931's resources melted away. She was depressed
at the thought that she might be compelled to accept assistance from her
relatives, however gladly they would have offered it to her. A suggestion was
made that she should consent to the publication of the autobiographical
sketches, her
[Page 254]
"life's confession", which she had not yet
completed; but she rejected this proposal with something like horror.
![[Page 254]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_254.jpg){kind=link}
An acquaintance then hit upon the absurd idea that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 should impersonate AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and give the lie to all the rumours by making her appearance at the exhibition in this manner.
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was no less horrified at this idea than LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. Then a friend who was on the staff of a leading Copenhagen newspaper -@Editor: PLC came to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's assistance.
She had long been wanting to write a descriptive article dealing with LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's metamorphosis. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had hitherto vetoed the suggestion. But now, the friend explained, the time had arrived when the public ought to learn the real truth. Such a well-known artist as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter simply could not just disappear. Consequently, it was only natural that the most fantastic rumours should be circulating in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, especially as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had so mysteriously disappeared from existence for nearly a year. And now she was resolved to relate in her newspaper the manner in which a gifted German surgeonProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had transformed the mortally ill Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter into a glowing young woman, into Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. The achievement of the German surgeonProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist must be broadcasted to the world. It must not be allowed to remain a secret. It must be divulged one day, and now was the appropriate time.
With a heavy heart, persuaded by GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and all her friends, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 at length consented.
The next day, the beginning of March 1931, the article appeared and cleared the
CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark
[Page 255]
atmosphere. Like lightning the news flashed through
the world press. Everywhere in EuropeEurope (historical), a continent in the Northern Hemisphere and
AmericaAmerica (historical), commonly used to refer to the United States of America this extraordinary human fate
was discussed. But despite the fact that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931
had now become a world celebrity, and the newspapers in all languages
broadcasted her portrait everywhere, she went about CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark more peaceably than ever. Her constant fear, that
people would shout her name after her in the street, did not materialize.
![[Page 255]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_255.jpg){kind=link}
With the exception of the few who knew her, no one imagined for an instant that the young lady who strolled almost daily along the "Strög"Strog (historical), actually “Strøget,” the main shopping street in Copenhagen, closed to traffic, and differed in no respect from other ladies, was the legendary Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. A few days after the publication of the first article about her, she happened to be standing among a group of people in front of the entrance of a publishing house, where an illustrated article about her had just appeared in a weekly magazine, in order to buy a copy of this periodical. Then she sat down in a tram and read her own story just like many of the others who were sitting in the car. Nobody took any notice of her, although she was wearing the same coat and the same hat as in the photographs which illustrated the article.
After this "success" she was quite reassured and henceforth had various amusing experiences.
She went daily to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' exhibition, which was now thronged by people who hoped to catch a glimpse of Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. And nearly all the pictures were sold, without a single one of the visitors having recognized her.
Once an old lady even came up to her and whispered: "Tell me, miss, don't you
think that
[Page 256]
the lady over there with the large feet and the
necktie, who looks like a man, is Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931?"
![[Page 256]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_256.jpg){kind=link}
"Yes," answered LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, "most decidedly that is she."
Another day, when she was sitting in a manicure saloon, a Swedish lady entered and exclaimed:
"Have you heard the story of Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931? Do you really believe there is anything in it?"
Everybody in the saloon explained that however fantastic it all sounded, it was perfectly true. Only LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, who had for weeks been one of the regular attendants at the saloon, played the part of the sceptic.
"This article is, of course, exaggerated," she observed dryly. Whereupon all the ladies agreed that all newspapers exaggerated something terribly.
. . . . .
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's state of health improved considerably. Her nerves were soothed. Now she need no longer hide herself from people.
Her legitimation papers were now in order. By royal sanction she was permitted to use her name without challenge. The exhibition had been a success, and she herself received many proofs of sympathy, especially from women. Women whom she did not know in the least sent her letters full of comprehension and enthusiasm. Flowers were sent her by unknown admirers. Various doctors offered to attend her without payment so long as she remained in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark and to supervise her state of health.
"People are making me a heroine," she said
[Page 257]
to her friends. She breathed again and began to enjoy
life.
![[Page 257]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_257.jpg){kind=link}
. . . . .
And a few weeks later GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator could again leave for the South with an easy conscience, to celebrate her marriage with FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband.
XXI
During these short weeks which she spent with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 knew for the first time what it was like to be in the company of a happy woman who was in love.
And now, when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had left her alone, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 felt a secret sorrow, a restrained grief, almost a feeling of envy—but no, it could not be envy, for she knew that no one more deeply wished GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator to be happy than she.
At length it dawned upon her that what was affecting her so painfully was a void in her life, something unfulfilled that in all probability never could be fulfilled.
All this she felt vaguely, and yet she feared to give a name to this new thing that was stirring within her.
Spring was now advancing. The garden of the house in which her attic was situated was quivering with tender green: LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 felt her body thriving. But she also felt how this mysterious craving within her for something to which she could give no name became ever more clamant and insistent.
She began to work more and more strenuously, as if she had no time to lose. All
through the night she would fill pages as she wrote down her confessions. She
allowed herself only a few hours'
[Page 259]
sleep. In the daytime she would sit at the piano and
play for hours. Then she would sit sewing new clothes, or lend a hand with the
work of the house. Her evenings she spent with relatives and friends. She often
visited her German friendGerman friend (fictional), modeled on Niels Hoyer, pseudonym of Ernst Harthern (1884–1969),
editor of Man into Woman, taking to him
fresh sheets of her manuscript, although she felt increasingly reluctant to
discuss with him what she had written.
![[Page 259]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_259.jpg){kind=link}
"Put it all in order," she would often say, "and do not read it until I have left CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark."
She had arranged with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator that when the summer came she would join her and FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband in the South.
. . . .
"The doctor whom I regularly visit said to me to-day: 'When I saw you first, I thought you were a pitiful, degenerate, unfortunate creature, but now that I have been able to observe you quietly I can see that you are a healthy and vigorous woman.'
"I cannot tell you how happy these words made me.
"In the evening I told my German friend what the doctor said, and the former observed:
"Now it will soon be time for you to paint again.'
"I stared at him horrified.
"'Again?' I said. 'Do realize that I have never yet painted, and that I do not yet know whether I shall ever be able to start painting.'
"He looked at me sternly. For the first time I saw a doubt in his eyes. He said:
"'The healthier you become, the more
[Page 260]
surely will every talent that resided in
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter come to life in you—what was
immortal in him, the divine spark, his artistic genius. And if you are not yet
able to acknowledge the truth of this creative impulse which is slumbering
within you, which must find an outlet somehow, you are at least in a position to
teach others, especially young people who have a distinct talent for
painting.'
![[Page 260]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_260.jpg){kind=link}
"He had risen to his feet and was pacing the room in a state of excitement.
"'I have read your confession, page for page, as you know, and I perceive something like timidity peeping out of avowal. You are a woman. Sometimes you are afraid of saying the last thing, for the last thing is the completely naked and the brutal. But all truth, in fact, is brutal. Much of it is even shameless, and there are very few people who can understand and endure the most intimate and perfect shame, that is the shame of shamelessness.'
"Then I took up his word: 'Do you mean that I am not candid enough?'
"He remained standing in front of me, took my hand, slipped my arm in his, and walked with me slowly up and down his room.
"'LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, you have described yourself as a bridge-builder, who is building a bridge from the solid bank of to-day. And you said yourself that you did not know whether the other bank was the past or the future.'
"Then he lapsed into silence.
"We were both standing in front of the
window of his room, whence could be seen the harbour,
[Page 261]
and across a sea of roofs the sparkling water of
the soundÖresund (historical), also spelled Øresund; a strait running between Denmark and Sweden.
![[Page 261]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_261.jpg){kind=link}
"We had both fallen silent. Then he resumed:
"'This bridge, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, will go much farther into the past that you have any suspicion of to-day. In fact, across that abyss which separates man from woman. That is the remarkable thing about your fate, the unique thing that slumbers within you, namely, the emotional bond between the two sexes. This presentiment in your blood, which now pulsates through a woman's heart as it formerly pulsated through the heart of a man, rises now and again through the mists of ambiguity into a penetrating insight. And you have transferred this intuition to the pages of your confession in a scrappy sort of way and perhaps expressed it in inadequate and tentative words. And frequently your words only hint at the thing, frequently you are silent, probably out of suppressed shame. This new country, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, this new country of the soul, is lying dormant within you, and whether you like it not, it will go on expanding.'
"Then he was silent.
"I ensconced myself in the darkest corner of his room and shut my eyes. He had not seen that I was weeping. I went home quite alone. On another occasion I asked him if he would send me as a pupil his little daughterRuth (fictional), modeled on Ruth Hanna Hathern-Thaning (1915-1993), daughter of Ernst Harthern, a sixteen-year-old girl who had been attending the Copenhagen art schoolArt Academy (fictional), modeled on The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, where Einar and Gerda Wegener studied and met for a few months."
XXII
The next morning LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 received a letter from Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923.
"My dear little LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931,
"I will do no more than tell you that I have to be in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark on business within the next few days. I shall be there next week.
"In haste,
"Your ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923."
For a whole week LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 were together from morning to night. She showed him the cityCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark and its extensive environs, and the whole atmosphere was redolent of spring.
She was happy. The best friend of her youth had at last joined her again.
He told her the latest news from ParisParis (historical), capital of France, and all the memories of the many, many happy hours which they had both spent there and in the South of FranceFrance is a western European country whose capital is Paris. revived in her until her whole memory, as if awakened from darkness, now seemed to her like an iridescent firmament.
"Do you remember this—do you remember that?" asked ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, who could hardly wait for an answer and went on talking.
And LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 said to everything: "Yes, yes," and her eyes were shining with delight.
But now and again she had a secret feeling of something new and different stirring in her, and she did not know what it was.
. . . . .
"ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 and I were sitting this evening in a restaurant, when he suddenly said:
"'Look here, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, I must take you home now. It is very late, and I am afraid that I shall be compromising you.'
"I was obliged to laugh loudly. Such words I had never before heard from ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923's mouth.
"But when I looked at him, I felt that he was quite serious in what he said, so I was obedient and rose to my feet.
"When we were seated side by side in the taxicab, I said to him:
"'ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, you look so solemn. Are you no longer as gay as you used to be when you were with me in ParisParis (historical), capital of France and on the LoireLoire River (historical), the longest river in France?'
"ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 seized my hand and answered:
"Perhaps you are right. During these few
days I have in fact observed something new in you, something which I did not
notice at the time when, if I may so express it, you were not yet born. Now you
are a healthy creature, but so defenceless. You are an adult woman, but you
often seem to me like a child. You ought to have somebody who would be both a
mother and a husband. In a few days I must be off again, and I find it very
painful to leave you here alone, exposed to all dangers, as people in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, where everybody knew AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, regard you, whether you admit it or not,
as a
[Page 264]
phenomenon, even when they are good to you. You
cannot, in fact, run away from your past.'
![[Page 264]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_264.jpg){kind=link}
"ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 looked at me long and earnestly. I asked him:
"'What am I to do, then?'
"'You must go away from here.'
"I nodded.
"'It is my intention to do so. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator is expecting me in ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome. in June. But before going there I want to go to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany once more, to the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.", to spend a few summer days or weeks there, as I did last year.'
"ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 shook his head.
"'What plans, what plans, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931! Nothing but long journeys. And quite alone. It is indeed very nice of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and her husband to want to have you with them, but don't forget they are a newly married pair. Have happy people, who have neglected their happiness so long, room for a third person?'
"And then ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 was silent again, until he suddenly said:
"'I must tell you that in the course of a few days I shall be transferred from ParisParis (historical), capital of France to TurkeyTurkey (historical), a country in the Middle East whose capital is Ankara., and I must start on my journey within a week at least.' ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 had for a number of years been a consular official.
"He gazed at me with his large, open, kind eyes and asked:
"'Will you come with me, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931?'
"The question came so suddenly that I looked at him incredulously. 'Do you really want me with you?'
"ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923 said seriously: 'My little LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931, can
[Page 265]
you doubt it? Will you marry me? Will you be my
wife?'
![[Page 265]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_265.jpg){kind=link}
"Quite involuntarily, as if I had not spoken myself, I said: 'Yes, oh, yes, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923.' And I still heard my words ringing in my ear. They were uttered without agitation, as softly as a schoolgirl speaks.
"And consequently I did not even remark ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923's agitation when he suddenly took both my hands and kissed them. Only when ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 pressed me to him and kissed me on the mouth did I realize what he and I had said, and an unaccountable feeling flooded me, something which I had never perceived before, something blissful, yet frightening.
"And suddenly I heard, as if coming from afar, the words which Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had spoken to me the last time I had seen him: 'Go out and flutter your wings and glide into life. Enjoy your maiden's youth.'
"I tore myself from ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 in terror. He regarded me with startled eyes and asked me: 'What's the matter? Don't you like me any more, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931?'
"I answered: 'You know quite well what I think of you.' I heard my own words; I scarcely recognized my voice. 'But I cannot marry you until I have asked Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. Without his permission I can do nothing. He alone has the right to dispose of me.'
"'What do you mean,' asked ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, and his eyes regarded me distressfully.
"I groped for words. Involuntarily I
thought of the conversation which I had had with
[Page 266]
my German friendGerman friend (fictional), modeled on Niels Hoyer, pseudonym of Ernst Harthern (1884–1969),
editor of Man into Woman. I heard his words as
he spoke to me: 'The shame of shamelessness.'
![[Page 266]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_266.jpg){kind=link}
"'Do say something,' I heard ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 say again.
"I stammered:
"'ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, I do not know if I ought to marry yet—perhaps I am not yet strong enough, although I look well enough. Let me first go to my helper in GermanyProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. I must discuss with him what is to become of me, whither my path leads.'
. . . . .
"The following day, sixteen-year-old RuthRuth (fictional), modeled on Ruth Hanna Hathern-Thaning (1915-1993), daughter of Ernst Harthern, the daughter of my German friend, was sitting with me. She was painting her first picture, a portrait of herself. I was standing behind her, but it was hardly necessary for me to tell her how to paint. I told her about myself and the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." and many other things which moved me and which my little pupil perhaps did not really understand. We are very happy together. I saw that I could give her a good deal of useful advice. After she had gone, leaving the picture she had begun standing on the easel which I had inherited from—AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, I searched among the many pictures which were still left over from GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' last exhibition (although most had been sold) for an empty piece of canvas. I stretched it on the frame, took the picture of my little pupil off the easel, and placed the empty canvas on it. And suddenly I took a brush myself and began to paint. What I wanted to paint I did not know. And I painted and painted.
"Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Another knock came and then another.
"I could not leave the easel. Something held me fast—and there was ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 standing behind me.
"'You are painting, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931?' he inquired with astonishment. 'And what is your picture intended to represent?'
"'Yes, so you see, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923,' I answered, somewhat uncertainly, and again my mind went back to the conversation which I had recently had with my German friendGerman friend (fictional), modeled on Niels Hoyer, pseudonym of Ernst Harthern (1884–1969), editor of Man into Woman. 'I am trying to see whether I can make a start. Almost as soon as you leave I shall be starting on my long journey, and then I should like to take a picture with me to my ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. My very first picture. He possesses pictures by AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, and I should like to see how I really compare with him as a painter. Yesterday evening when you brought me home I had an idea.'
"'Yes, but what is your picture intended to represent, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, dear?'
"We were both standing in front of my picture, and he said: 'Have you not painted a heart?'
"I was almost ashamed to admit it. 'Yes,' I said; 'it is my heart, which has been left behind in the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.".'
"ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 gazed at me sadly and inquiringly, and I took his hand.
"'Don't take it amiss, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923; you do not yet understand it. You
see, the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik
in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." was my
peaceful, white nursery. Consequently, Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist must have this picture. He won't be angry with me. Nor
will he laugh at
[Page 268]
the picture. He understands me. And I want
nothing more than to see his smile when I give him the picture.
![[Page 268]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_268.jpg){kind=link}
"'I am so fond of you, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, and I am dreaming already of our being together and living together in the South, in a setting of tropical flowers and palm trees and dazzling sunshine. And you will have a garden. I can see this garden already in my mind's eye.
"'But I am also dreaming of another garden. In this garden there are white flowers and white birch trees. And there I am strolling, white and pure, under a mild and clear sky. Perhaps it is the Garden of Paradise. My dear man, life is still such a new and immense thing for me. I feel so weak under all the strong emotions which I sometimes feel stirring in my heart. I have long since realized that the life of a woman mainly consists of sorrow and yearning. And yet it is so wonderful to be alive.
"ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 said: 'Poor little LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931,' and folded me lightly in his arms as if I were a child. 'I often think that Nature was in one of her mysterious moods when she packed all that is most feminine on earth in your sensitive little soul; everyone can hurt and wound you because you are so unprotected. It is for this reason I want to take you with me so badly. Won't you come?'
"I looked quite calmly at ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 and gave him both my hands: 'Go in peace, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, and wait for me, but don't ask me any more. I understand all too little of what is stirring within me, and discover something new and unknown in me every day.'
"Then I wept. We were standing quite close before the picture of my heart.
"The next day I accompanied ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 to the station ".
. . . . .
Rain was falling steadily from grey skies. White birch trees were gleaming like silver in front of dark, dripping fir woods. A range of blue hills swelled on the distant horizon.
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 looked at her wrist-watch. Within less than an hour she would be in her beautiful city of the ElbeDresden (historical), city in Germany.
She let herself be lulled by the soft rocking rhythm of the train. With eyes half opened she sat in her corner by the window, watching the dear, familiar landscape rushing past.
Frequently her heart beat so violently that she had to clutch her breast, and a current stirred in her blood.
Then she sank back into a semi-conscious state of dreaming, in which she had lain since she entered the DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany train at the Berlin stationAnhalter Banhof (historical), the main train station in Berlin, no longer in existence.
She had deliberately taken the same train as on the occasion, more than a year before, when she had left BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany for the South in order to find a refuge in the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.".
It was not early spring as then. It was summer; but something of the fresh young spring and the magic of the imminent ripeness hovered over the rainy day.
She had closed her eyes and tried to collect her thoughts. The year that had
passed wandered through her memory like a hurried, endless pilgrimage, this
first dangerous year of her life through
[Page 270]
which she had wandered like a sleepwalker on
the edge of a precipice and yet always accompanied in a mysterious way by
guardian angels. And she thought of her helperProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist, and whether he would be satisfied with her. Was she worthy of
all he had done for her? Not until this moment did it dawn upon her that she had
been placed at a post which she was not allowed to leave. And she vowed to
herself that nothing which had been sown in her personality should lie fallow.
Everything in her should sprout and blossom and become fruit, in her life and in
her work, in her art, which, as she now knew, was only waiting to be quickened
into vigorous life.
![[Page 270]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_270.jpg){kind=link}
How she had fared up till now she had recorded in her diary. Her confessions were almost completed. They were left behind in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, in the shape of a bundle of foolscap covered with writing. One day her confessions—and she smiled at this thought—would burst upon mankind as the confessions of the first person who was not born unconsciously through a mother's travail, but fully conscious through her own pangs.
She wanted to be a bridge-builder.
She recalled the phrase of her German friendGerman friend (fictional), modeled on Niels Hoyer, pseudonym of Ernst Harthern (1884–1969), editor of Man into Woman in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark and thought that she had perhaps built a slender bridge across that abyss which separates man and woman.
Like a far-off dream she saw in her mind's eye the Copenhagen railway station, all the companions and friends of those vanished days and weeks and months she had passed in the northern capital.
She also saw among them the little schoolgirl
[Page 271]
RuthRuth (fictional), modeled on Ruth Hanna Hathern-Thaning (1915-1993), daughter of Ernst
Harthern, who had been her pupil. She had taught in
order to learn that she too could henceforth paint, and that she was now strong
enough to claim that immortal heritage which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter had bequeathed to her.
![[Page 271]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_271.jpg){kind=link}
And she smiled again when she thought of the dark girlish head of her pupil RuthRuth (fictional), modeled on Ruth Hanna Hathern-Thaning (1915-1993), daughter of Ernst Harthern etched against the bright background, where the palms of the South were waving in a blue spring sky; and these palms and this sky were nothing but a corner of a picture which she possessed from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, her dead brother, and which he had discovered during his last Italian summer, spent in the company of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband.
"RuthRuth (fictional), modeled on Ruth Hanna Hathern-Thaning (1915-1993), daughter of Ernst Harthern," she had then said to her pupil, "I owe it to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter that I am now able to guide your first steps into your art. So for your first picture you should borrow something from what was perhaps AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' last picture."
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 closed her eyes and continued to smile.
Then the train slowed down. She opened her eyes and looked out of the window: NeustadtNeustadt (historical), Dresdner Neustadt, on the right bank of the Elbe, Dresden! Was it possible?
In feverish haste she put on her hat and coat. Slowly the train moved again, and was now crossing the great bridge over the Elbe. Suddenly DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany burst on her vision, her beautiful and beloved city of the ElbeElbe River (historical), river in Central Europe that runs through Dresden. Domes and towers were reflected in the wide river, her river.
Trembling violently she glued herself to the carriage window. She clenched her teeth in a frenzied effort to keep back the tears. No, she must not weep now.
A few minutes later she was sitting in a car
[Page 272]
which took her to the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik
in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". Chastened but cheerful she entered the
portal of the home of her heart. Suddenly she hesitated, looked around her, and
for the first time a doubt assailed her. "Why have I come here at all? And what
do I want to ask him?" Thus she stood irresolute in the grounds.
![[Page 272]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_272.jpg){kind=link}
The rain had ceased. The white birch trees lifted their light, bright crowns to the pale, watery sky. A couple of white-clad nurses nodded a greeting. Young doctors in professional attire strode through the park. Pregnant women were strolling there: "Blue crocuses," she thought, with a smile.
She remained standing and regarded the young women. Now she knew why she had come.
A white-clad figure stood at the door which led to the private ward, and with a cry of joy LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 threw herself into the motherly arms of the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female. One nurse after another came up, and they all rejoiced at the reunion.
Everything was unchanged.
LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 took the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female's hand. "Come with me just once through the house. I want to see all the corridors again."
And the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female took her through all the corridors.
When she was tired out, she sat down in one of the large easy chairs in the long corridor through the great folding doors of which fell a beam of greenish light. Perhaps she would have to wait a long time.
She said the words to herself like a childish wish:
"Wait a long time, wait a long time."
She drank in the smell of ether and formalin as if she were thirsty. And all the familiar noises from the corridors and halls and rooms crowded in upon her.
She waited. A blissful peace invaded her mind.
The folding doors opened. A slender figure in a white overall, with dark hair over the lofty brow, came towards her.
Like a sleepwalker she let herself be led into the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's room.
And she listened fascinated to the strange, muffled voice. She had quite forgotten why she had come. She had forgotten everything she wanted to ask. She could only say: "Yes, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist."
Suddenly Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist looked at her sharply.
"What do you want to ask me? I can tell from your expression that you want something. Tell me what it is. . . ." LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 roused herself from her stupor. The secret anxiety which she could never banish now gripped her, and, looking the while calmly into his eyes, she said:
"Tell me, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, do you think that I am now strong enough for another operation, for I want so much to become a mother."
DUSK
Fragments from Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's letters to her German friendGerman friend (fictional), modeled on Niels Hoyer, pseudonym of Ernst Harthern (1884–1969), editor of Man into Woman in the period from 14th June to 22nd August, 1931, from DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany.
"14th June.
"After a short examination Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist decided to operate upon me again. It will be the last time. Probably the operation will be performed on Tuesday, but promise me that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator shall hear nothing about it. It would cast a shadow over her happiness. She would be worrying on my account, for which there is no need. I am so pleased to be here in my Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." again. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist has promised to read my 'Confessions' and to help me, should it be necessary, to correct them. He too is of opinion that they ought to appear as a book.
"For the rest I consider it splendid of him, instead of resting on his laurels, to incur the risk of operating upon me once more, so that I should be quite well and able to take a husband and perhaps also to have children to make me happier still. My helperProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist has taught me to love GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin., as he has taught me to see what greatness dwells in this country.
"If the worst should befall (although I
cannot believe in this eventuality) I want you
[Page 275]
to know that I shall die happy, because I shall be
allowed to remain until my last breath with him to whom I owe my life.
![[Page 275]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_275.jpg){kind=link}
"More than ever, then, I am convinced that it is my moral duty to make my 'Confessions' public, in order to teach people not to judge."
"15th June.
"Now that I am again in DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany, which is my home, and you have read the last word of my 'Confessions', 'I want so much to become a mother!' I feel impelled to write you, my friend and father-confessorGerman friend (fictional), modeled on Niels Hoyer, pseudonym of Ernst Harthern (1884–1969), editor of Man into Woman, at very great length. I shall perhaps be somewhat prolix, but have patience with me. I have no time to lose. In two days I shall be operated upon again.
"You must sympathize with me in my desire for maternity, to have a child, for I want nothing more ardently than to demonstrate that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter has been completely obliterated in me—is dead. Through a child I should be able to convince myself in the most unequivocal manner that I have been a woman from the very beginning.
"Please understand me: the alienation from
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter must inevitably crystallize into
the resolution to forget a person who, as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, has been a tragic obstacle which prevented me from
experiencing all the mysteries and wonders which are part of the life of the
girl, the maid, and the woman, in the same way as all other members of my sex.
Because I lived a first life encased in a panser, from which I could not get
free, my youth as girl and maiden has been
[Page 276]
stolen from me, has been suppressed. This also
explains why then I returned to DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen.
from GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin.. The atmosphere of CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark felt most repellent. DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen. was the stage on which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter made his first appearance; it was his
home—for me, on the contrary, it was nothing less than a cast-off snake-skin.
Consequently, CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark was a very
difficult place for me to return to, because I had to fight not only for my
future, but against my past, which was really not my past at all, but the past
of an alien creature who had also robbed me of my home. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, therefore, appears to me to-day in the light of a
usurper. For the same reason I find it hard to endure the South and West of
EuropeEurope (historical), a continent in the Northern Hemisphere, because everything there is
bound up with AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter' past. On the other
hand, my love for GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin., for BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany, and above all for DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany, is easy to understand; AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter did not know these cities, these landscapes and the
atmosphere of GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin., his acquaintance
with them being of the most cursory character when he was in a dying condition.
What a boon for me it was to be here, where it is only present and future for
me, and where there is no past connected with AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter! Here I have merely to fight for my future from the
basis of the present, unburdened by the painful past of another person.
![[Page 276]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_276.jpg){kind=link}
"But I must return to DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen. in order to complete my 'Confessions', to
that atmosphere which is most painful for me because it was there that I felt
most sharply the pangs of experience, and it was there that I could avow it the
GRAVE OF LILI ELBELili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 BORN IN
DENMARKDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen., DIED IN DRESDENDresden (historical), city in Germany
[Page 277]
soonest and most faithfully. For the rest: time
presses. . . .
![[Page 277]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_277.jpg){kind=link}
"You, dear friend, in your tender way and the Danes in their coarser and more brutal manner (because they have only eyes for the commonplace and the uncomplicated—they call it 'common sense' and the 'normal', because it is the most comfortable, and my countrymen are intellectual, and not only intellectual but damnably comfortable), have frequently asked me whether I could remember anything of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' erotic emotions. In putting this question people touched me on the sorest point of my sensibilities, without their knowing it. If Nature in alliance with the art of my ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had not come to my assistance, so that I no longer felt anything in my blood of these emotions of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, of the erotic sensations which he had experienced with women, I should have felt defiled and befouled as a woman by this feeling of alien sexual emotions.
"I am fighting against the prepossession of the Philistine who looks upon me as a phenomenon, as an abnormality. As I am now, I am a perfectly ordinary woman among other women. The scepticism of the Philistine, or rather the easy-going neighbours who only recognize the commonplace as the justification of life, who invest me and my fate with the quality of a sensation, often depresses me so severely that I find myself wanting to die and playing with the idea of suicide.
"But the will to live is stronger in me than
any humiliation which I have experienced from
[Page 278]
my fellows and which may be in store for me. I
have duties towards GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator, who on my
account has hazarded her existence in order to liberate me from the AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter integument—towards my ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist, who allied himself to me with his medical art and
created me for what I am, that is, gave me justification as a living creature,
made me into a normal woman.
![[Page 278]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_278.jpg){kind=link}
"Because of all these obligations I must preserve and strengthen my will to live.
"If I should succumb spiritually and seek suicide, everybody would be right in saying that what had happened to me had been contrary to Nature, an audacious challenge of the unnatural and the artificial to the natural and to Nature; a creature born as an hermaphrodite must remain an hermaphrodite, especially if it has lived as an hermaphrodite for a lifetime. That without the operation performed by the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist I should have died with AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter more than a year ago does not trouble them. But that I, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, am vital and have a right to life I have proved by living for fourteen months. It may be said that fourteen months is not much, but they seem to me like a whole and happy human life. The price which I have paid seems to me very small.
"If sooner or later I should succumb physically, I am quite reconciled. I shall at least have known what it is to live.
"My will to live! On this account I have
steeled my strength in recent months, and often forced myself to do many things
which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter once did or perhaps did—yet I
was often displeased
[Page 279]
when I found that I had done the thing in question
not only as well as, but better than, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter. I was often vexed to discover this, for it reminded me
of the virile qualities associated with AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter.
![[Page 279]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_279.jpg){kind=link}
"Recently, a few days before my departure for DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany, I looked over all the photographs which had been taken of me in the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." a year ago. What a childishly simple and effeminate expression all the pictures of that time reveal! How imploring and helpless the glance! Then I looked in the mirror to see what I am like now. My face has become smoother, and healthier, and fresher, the whole body more taut and feminine. But my eyes have a self-conscious expression. I am not pleased at this; life has hardened me.
"Now I have returned once more. Here, where the strong will of another stands between me and the outside world, as my protector and defender, I can cast off the assumed sternness of my character. It is not really sternness, but a very fragile shell around a completely defenceless creature.
"Here you have, dear friend, the explanation
of my whole character, of my endeavour and my deepest longing; all that I desire
is nothing less than the last fulfilment of a real woman; to be protected from
life by the sterner being, the husband. I think death would be more welcome to
me than, for instance, a life as artist, even as a great and
fêted artist on my own account. For I do not
want to be an artist, but a woman. Hence I must shut all artistic creation
[Page 280]
out of my life—you will remember I insisted on
this during our last conversation—because I cannot continue the work of the
virile artist who was AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter.
![[Page 280]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_280.jpg){kind=link}
"And in contrast to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, who had to create the works of art from inner compulsion, my own life feels deflected from everything that constitutes art. Do I make myself clear? It is not with my brain, not with my eyes, not with my hands that I want to be creative, but with my heart and with my blood. The fervent longing in my woman's life is to become the mother of a child. Whether this wish can be fulfilled or not, the fact that I can openly acknowledge this desire from the fullness of a pure woman's heart is an infinite happiness for me. The fact that I may experience this happiness justifies everything that has happened to me here in DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany.
"And because it is so, dear friend, the Confessions which I have placed in your hands must end on the note that expresses my strongest craving: 'I want so much to become a mother.'
"Now you will understand me and now you will be able to teach others to understand me.
"In two days I shall probably be operated upon. It is to be the last time. So it is well that I have poured out all my heart to you to-day".
"16th June.
"Now I am just as insignificant as I was last year.
"I believe I am to be operated upon
to-morrow. I am not afraid of the pain. I should like
FRAGMENT OF LETTER WRITTEN BY EINAR WEGENEREinar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener;
died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931 (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter), DATED JANUARY 29, 1930
FRAGMENT OF LETTER WRITTEN JUNE 14, 1931, BY EINAR WEGENEREinar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener;
died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931 (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter), AFTER HE HAD BEEN TRANSFORMED INTO THE
WOMAN, LILI ELBELili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931.
[Page 282]
to stay here for good. I am sitting outside in
the garden. Now and
then I am seized by a vague anxiety. Then I stroll through the grounds between
the fir trees. What need have I to be anxious? I know that everything will turn
out well. Of course I shan't die . . . that would, indeed, be treachery of life.
Write me . . . that comforts me. Perhaps the book will appear while I am lying
here.
![[Page 282]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_282.jpg){kind=link}
"17th July.
"I am so weak. How is the book getting on?"
"18th July.
"To-day it is a month since I was operated upon . . . progress is being maintained . . . and my mind is no longer dwelling upon the subject of death. Last night I dreamed that a friend took me in his arms and carried me off, and I was happy. I have gone through so much, but so much is expected of me. Now I know that I am like all women."
"19th July.
"My friend Iven Person of the Theatre RoyalThe Danish Royal Theater (historical), located in Copenhagen, CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark (the
only one of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter' friends to extend his
friendship to me), and his ravishingly beautiful EbbaEbba Persen (fictional), modeled on Ulla Britta Poulsen Skou (née Iversen) (1905–2001),
a Danish ballet dancer whom Gerda painted in Paris in 1927, came to see me yesterday. It was delightful. I wept for
joy. They were so good to me. IvenIven Persen (fictional), modeled on Johannes Poulsen (1881–1938), Danish actor and
director, married to Ulla Poulsen said that
when he was back in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark he would
arrange a lecture for me; the most eminent artists were to take part in it. I
was to have all the proceeds, IvenIven Persen (fictional), modeled on Johannes Poulsen (1881–1938), Danish actor and
director, married to Ulla Poulsen kept
saying, 'Don't worry, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931. Everything
[Page 283]
will turn out well. All you have to do is to get
better.' IvenIven Persen (fictional), modeled on Johannes Poulsen (1881–1938), Danish actor and
director, married to Ulla Poulsen is so strong and he has a
heart that feels for others. And both of them said that I had grown prettier.
Much to my delight.
![[Page 283]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_283.jpg){kind=link}
"Should I write a preface to the book, to explain why, when speaking of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, I always use the third person, as in a novel? But, my dear friend, what other form of narrative could I have chosen? I could not relate the story of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' life in the first person. Nor could I employ the third person when speaking of my own life and experiences, after AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had vanished. I was too close to everything. Hence, I often found it repugnant to speak of myself as of a third person. How lucky I was to secure the long narrative which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter dictated to NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany before the first operation!
"Yes, if I had been able to wait before completing the book, as you always advised me, I could perhaps have recorded everything in a better, and stronger, and more direct style. You say that the people who read my book will want to know something about the nature and progress of the operations.
"Ought I to say that when AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter was taking part in IvenIven Persen (fictional), modeled on Johannes Poulsen (1881–1938), Danish actor and
director, married to Ulla Poulsen's ballet in ParisParis (historical), capital of France, he suddenly started to menstruate, without knowing it,
just like a woman, that these discharges then recurred at regular intervals, and
that their character was first perceived by Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist. Ought I to say that the first operation in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany was the castration of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter, that immediately afterwards his voice
changed into mine and his handwriting into mine, but that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish
painter' blood
[Page 284]
was already my blood before the first
operation, full of excretions of my ovaries?
![[Page 284]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_284.jpg){kind=link}
"Shall I relate that a creature who was not yet I, but a castrated man, a being who was neither man nor woman, entered the Women's ClinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." in the spring of last year? Ought I to say that the male organ was then removed, the body opened and my ovaries found, which, however, had been stunted by the wrong treatment in ParisParis (historical), capital of France? Ought I to say that then I, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, was supplied with fresh ovaries from a woman of six-and-twenty, which 'normalized' my whole being and its functions, that henceforth I was and am a woman like other women, and that I have now returned to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany for the last operation to effect a natural outlet from the womb.
"Oh, dear friend, more than this I cannot write. I can discuss all this with you, as I proved in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. You know full well how I have striven in order to find the simplest and smoothest language for my 'Confessions'. I am indeed no writer. And this book, which arose out of diary entries and descriptive extracts and letters, I had to write in such a short time, between late autumn and spring, between two very serious operations, as if between two battles. To be sure, I hope through this book to be able to provide for my material existence. Can I be reproached for that?
"No! And then I am writing all this in order
to render an account of myself and my helperProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist.
That he, having read and approved the German text thereof, is satisfied with my
narrative, is my greatest joy and deepest satisfaction. I could
[Page 285]
not give more than a picture of the soul, a human
document, a 'confession', as you call my narrative. And if many chapters read
like a novel, you and, above all, my helperProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German
gynecologist,
and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator, and ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923, you all know that it is no romance,
but nothing less than the strictly veracious life-story of a creature seeking
clarity and peace and rest, and who wants to remain with her friend as his
companion.
![[Page 285]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_285.jpg){kind=link}
"I should like to give you a little present. Hence I am sending you AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' book, Le Livre des Vikings, which he published in 1924, in conjunction with Ch. Gyuot, at L'Edition d'Art H. Piazza,L'Edition d'Art H. Piazza (historical), a publishing house in Paris ParisParis (historical), capital of France. You are to keep it as a memento. Look at the first page! AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter has written on it: 'To my dear fatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener—from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, ParisParis (historical), capital of France 21.2.1924. And underneath I have written: 'To my friendNiels Hoyer (historical), pseudonym of Ernst Harthern, who composed and edited Man into Woman . . . Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, 5th June, 1931.' On the 5th June I was with you for the last time. The following day I left for DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany. When shall I be with you again?
"7th August.
"I was talking to the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist to-day about my book, and what he said about it gave me keen pleasure. Next week he is going on his vacation. Just think of it, they have not yet allowed me to get up. But it cannot be long now before I am on my feet again. I think there should be a foreword to the book stating, 'This book deals with my life and my transformation; it is written by a creature who is still weak and impotent. . . ."
"13th August.
"The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist has left for his holiday. My condition brings me to despair. I cannot see that I am making any progress, but there are moments when I am so tired that I almost wish I could die; but I have nor received permission to do this, as I know the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist will not have it.
"15th August.
"I cannot write about my last operation—it was an abyss of suffering. It is well that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator does not know. I am still so weak; but in Sept. I shall return to CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. I must put my papers in order, for ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923's sake.
"17th August.
"I don't want to bother you with my troubles, but it is now two months since the strict ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist has kept me in bed. It was a terrible time, and I am so unutterably tired of it. I do not expect to return to CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark before the end of September.
"22nd August.
"I am so tired, I am constantly tired, and I
am still lying in bed. Almost every day I receive flowers from GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter
and illustrator . . . she is happy. If I had the strength,
I would write and tell her that I am progressing. She would come to me; but that
I don't want. I am so lonely and so weak. But when I am most dejected, a letter
[Page 287]
comes from ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923; he is waiting for me—dear, dear ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda
Wegener painted in 1923.
![[Page 287]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_287.jpg){kind=link}
. . . . .
The shadows were closing round Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. She wrote one more letter at the beginning of September. It was addressed to her sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954).
"Now I know that death is near. Last night I dreamt about MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen). She took me in her arms and called me LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 . . . and FatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener was also there. . . ."
On the 12th September Lili's brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener was summoned to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany by telegraph. She was no longer able to speak. She could only whisper. But her eyes were shining when her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener was with her. She wrote her last words on a card. She gave the card to her faithful nurse in the Women's Clinic, "Au revoir, sister." Then she fell asleep and did not wake again. Paralysis of the heart put an end to her short young woman's life, which was so excruciating and yet so wonderful.
Her dearest wish was to be allowed to rest in the cemetery near the Women's Hospital, and on the 15th September, 1931, her wish was fulfilled.
When Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was with her German friend for the last time—on the 5th June, 1931, the day before
her last journey to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany, she opened a
book. It was the first volume of Hans JagerHans Henrik Jæger (1854-1910), a Norweigen writer and political activist's
shattering confessions, Sick Love. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener
(1882), died in Dresden, 1931 read for a while. Suddenly she paused, handed her friend
the book,
pointed to a passage therein, and said: "If I should not return, may it be
appropriate to
[Page 288]
conclude my book with these words from
Hans JagerHans Henrik Jæger (1854-1910), a Norweigen writer and political activist"
![[Page 288]](http://www.lilielbe.org/media/A1/A1_288.jpg){kind=link}
With a trembling voice Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 read the passage:
"'When I myself am no longer here, I want my sad book of love to be my legacy, a testimony that I once lived. I imagine that this book will be read, read as few books are, by all who are unhappy in love, into whose hands it shall fall year after year, and I feel as if I could shake them all by the hand. And I have such an unspeakable longing; it is in fact the only longing that I have, to say farewell to all—oh, none can realize what ultimate peace this would be for me.'"
THE END