Translation of Fra Mand til Kvinde: Lili Elbes Bekendelser (Danish Edition)

[Title Page Facsimile Image]
[Copyright Facsimile Image]


                  EINAR WEGENER (ANDREAS SPARRE)
EINAR WEGENER (ANDREAS SPARRE)Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener; died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931



                  LILI ELBE
LILI ELBELili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931


Fragment of a letter, written by Einar
                        Wegener on 29 January 1930. The handwriting, as you will see, is firm and clear, a distinct man's writing.
Fragment of a letter, written by Einar WegenerEinar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter; married to Gerda Wegener; died as Lili Elbe in Dresden, 1931 on 29 January 1930. The handwriting, as you will see, is firm and clear, a distinct man's writing.


Fragment of a letter, written by Lili
                        Elbe on 14 June 1931. The handwriting has changed and is now a flowing, rather feeble woman’s writing.
Fragment of a letter, written by Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 on 14 June 1931. The handwriting has changed and is now a flowing, rather feeble woman’s writing.

[Foreword Facsimile Image]
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In accordance with Lili Elbe's last will I have collected the papers she left behind in this book.

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It is a truthful, human document about a harrowing human tragedy that is beyond the scope of all customary ideas.

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The doctorKurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist who performed all but the first of four surgeries on Lili Elvenes; director of the Women’s Clinic in Dresden (Staatliche Frauenklinik) from 1925 to 1948 whose daring operations made it possible for the critically ill and desperate Einar WegenerAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter to carry on his life in complete harmony with his true nature has read through the book in my German version -@Translator: MO.

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As requested by Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 fictitious names have been used for the persons she mentions.

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Only her own name, which she chose in gratitude to the city where she changed from man into womanDresden (historical), city in Germany -@Translator: MO and where she died, she has wished to leave unchanged.

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Copenhagen, November 1931.

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Niels Hoyer

Page 7

I.

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ParisParis (historical), capital of France. Quartier LatinQuartier Saint Germain (historical), also known as the Latin Quarter (see D1), section of Paris. An evening in February 1930. In a quiet street with grand mansions – a small restaurant.

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The host, FrançoisFavio (fictional), no known historical model, is a Sicilian and serves the glowing wines of his home country. A small circle of foreigners most of whom are artists are his regular customers.

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Among them are AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, a Danish painter couple, and their Italian friend Ernesto RossiniErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini with his elegant French wife Mrs. ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques.

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They celebrate a reunion tonight. For a whole year they have not seen each other, they have been travelling, one couple in Northern EuropeEurope (historical), a continent in the Northern Hemisphere, the other in the South. All four are pleased to meet again in ParisParis (historical), capital of France.

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"Skaal," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter says according to the Nordic custom and raises his glass, "this wine, children, is to the soul what mountain sun is to the body ...... Do you know the beautiful legend of the Cathedral in SevilleCathedral of Seville (historical), most likely, Catedral de Santa María de la Sede, known as Seville Cathedral -@Editor: PLC GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I have been there together ...... It's said that a ray of sun is built into in the base of the highest of the pillars."

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"Magnificent," ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini shouts enthusiastically.

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"Heavenly," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques declares and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator smiles quietly to herself.

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But the festive mood does not last long. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter is pale and nervous, and he speaks loudly and forced.

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"Aren't you drinking too much?" ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques asks him in a low voice ...... "What's the matter with you? It's no use that you pretend that you're well. You can't fool me ...... You're not well at all."

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ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator have caught ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques's words and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini takes his friend's hand.

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"Is it LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 who still torments you?" he asks full of concern and looks from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator.

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"Your guess is right ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter answers very grave, "this condition is becoming unendurable. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 no longer tolerates sharing her life with me, she wants to live her own life ...
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I don't know if you understand me? I'm no good anymore, I'm finished ...... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 has discovered that long ago ...... and that's why she rebels more strongly every day ...... and what am I to do? ...... why must I live? For others, people say ...... but only fools think that they're indispensable and irreplaceable ...... But let's not talk about it ...... let's rather drink a bottle of the fiery Asti that ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques is so fond of."

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"Yes, that's a good idea," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques declares and looks after AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter who gets up wearily and walks to the counter where FrançoisFavio (fictional), no known historical model lords over his bottles and watches over his guests with his gentle mandolin eyes.

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"Please hurry up and tell me how he is," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques says as she leans towards her friend.

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"Terrible," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator answers, "I've given up any hope of salvation for him ...... That would require a miracle."

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"Strange that you should use just that word," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques quickly interrupts her ...... "You know, it is strange that we should meet just tonight after such a long time? ...... ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini and I should have been somewhere else, but I had a feeling that we had to be together ...... I told you so, ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini, didn't I?"

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ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini nods in assent.

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"Listen to me ...... sit closer to me," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques continues in a whisper ...... "one of our very good friendsProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist is here in ParisParis (historical), capital of France just now, he's a German, from DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany, and he's a women's doctor ...... I had no idea that he was here, but just after I'd been on the telephone with you he called me and at that very moment it occurred to me that if anyone can help AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter it's him ...... But it's urgent for the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist will return to GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin. already tomorrow afternoon. We have to arrange a meeting between him and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter tonight.

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With a tired gesture GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator dismisses the optimism shining out of her friend's eyes:

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"Dearest ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, it's no use ...... AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter won't see any more doctors, he has had enough of them ...... Just think how many he has seen already!"

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"Just let ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques do what she thinks is right," ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini interrupts serious and earnest.

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"Yes GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, don't contradict me," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques eagerly says, "whether he will or not ...... he must obey us ...... This very evening I'll call the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist and tell him about AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. I feel, no, I know that he can help him, do you hear, my dearest!"

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator slowly lights herself a cigarette. She always does it in a very complicated way, almost as if it were a religious ceremony. She is not aware of it herself. Her big grey eyes which quite dominate her delicate, fair face have taken on their peculiar introverted gaze. She blows the blue smoke up into the air and stares into it. Then she takes a new puff on the cigarette, blows out the smoke once more, and stares again. Then she slowly and decidedly says:

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"That's fine, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, go ahead and speak to the German professorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. I've heard about so many mysterious things in this world and it's possible that there may be something in it. I think I have been infected by you, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques ...... Ordinarily I'm not superstitious ...... but I promise you that I'll persuade AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter ...... He'll be at your place tomorrow morning."

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Apparently AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had finished his negotiations with the host and they hastened to talk of something trivial. He came over to them with two bottles which he carried like a prey in front of him.

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"Here, friends, taste a wine that will remind you of the Cathedral in SevilleCathedral of Seville (historical), most likely, Catedral de Santa María de la Sede, known as Seville Cathedral – it is rays of sun on bottle!"

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"Si, si, Signor," Maestro FrançoisFavio (fictional), no known historical model seconds from his counter.

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When GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter some hours later, after they had placed ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini in a car, walked slowly down the avenue where they had their studio apartment, she cautiously but earnestly began to tell AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter about the appointment with ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques.

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He became quite beside himself. In the middle of the street he stopped and stamped both his feet in a puddle like an ill-mannered boy without considering that it spattered up on GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's silk stockings. He called all the stars of the night sky to witness that he wanted to see the German professorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist hanged! And ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques too for that matter! ...... He did not intend to make a fool of himself by letting himself be examined by a new quack, whether he was from FranceFrance is a western European country whose capital is Paris., from GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin. or from HindustanHindustan (historical), a Persian name for India! ...... He had had enough of these bloodsuckers, of these charlatans ......

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator let him rage ...... she knew his fits from experience.

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... But when, after a moment's pause to breathe he wanted to start again, she grabbed him by the arm:

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"Now, that's enough! ...... Are you a man? You are behaving like a hysterical teen-age girl. You should be ashamed of yourself, you understand!"

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter who was shaking with agitation looked down at GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator with his dark eyes and forced himself to joke:

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"All right, I won't say any more, but I promise you that ten wild dray horses would not drag me out of my lovely, wide Louis-Philippe bed to see a professor who is a total stranger to me. ...... I will no longer let myself be made a fool of!"

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter has long since fallen asleep.

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But GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator is still awake, she sits with her legs curled up under her in the big bed staring intently at the sleeper ..... She knows how serious things are with him, but now in the oppressive stillness of the night she becomes afraid. She thinks and thinks ...... Is it right for herself and her friend to persuade the poor shaken person who is now sleeping as quietly and safely as a child? Her conscience will not leave her in peace. ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques said that the German doctorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist was a famous expert in his field ...... But if he cannot do anything anyway then it will be the death sentence over AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter ...... then she knows what will happen ...... And yet ...... perhaps it is the miracle, the miracle that her life companion, her friend through the good and the bad days, has more and more ardently hoped for.

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She thought of what a Russian lady, one of the many Russian refugees in ParisParis (historical), capital of France, a seer, had recently foretold them. It was just after one of the last desperate visits to a Parisian specialist and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was completely devastated. "Your husband must go to yet another doctor, one he does not know, then everything that he wants will come true," she had said and looked at AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter with her dark, prophetic eyes.

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Should this prediction be right? And could her own instinct fail her here where so much was at stake? She had a feeling that all her courage, now that it was about her
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sick friend, had left her. ...... She was afraid to make a mistake, afraid to take the great responsibility upon herself ...... afraid ...... afraid ...

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had already been ill for many years and they had sought countless doctors and specialists but without result. Now he was tired and life had become an agony for him.

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No one had understood what was the matter with him. A specialist in Versailles had accused him offhand of being hysterical and advised him to pull himself together and behave like the normal man he otherwise was. A closer examination he considered to be completely superfluous, there was nothing wrong with the patient, he just suffered from the fixed idea that he would be perfectly healthy if ...... And that's enough! ..... A younger doctor, also in VersaillesVersailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris, had admitted, however, that not everything was as it should be and had then comforted him with the following words: "Never you mind what happens to your body ...... otherwise you are entirely healthy and have enough strength to ride it out." Only a Viennese doctor, a friend of SteinachEugen Steinach (1861–1944), an Austrian physician who pioneered gonadal transplants and early theorized the existence of hormones, had been on the right track in his diagnosis. "Only a bold surgeon who is not afraid of anything can help you," he had said, "but where is he to be found?" ...... A radiologist had subjected him to a very energetic X-ray treatment that had almost killed him. Then AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had plucked up his courage and contacted three different surgeons in succession, but they had all three refused to have anything to do with him. The first one had declared that he did not concern himself with cosmetic surgery, the second just examined his appendix to see if anything was wrong, and the third thought that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was completely mad. Most people would probably agree with him on this because AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter claimed that in fact he was not a man at all – but a woman.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had realised that only a doctor with imagination, a doctor who was not only a scientist, but at the same time also an artist, would perhaps be able to help him. But he had long since given up the hope of finding such a doctor ...... And he had become tired, tired unto death ...... He had decided to end his life himself and he had set the date. It was to be the first of May ...... when you are ill and tired, you do not have
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the courage and strength to meet spring ...... Now it was February – already February ...... March and April were the last respite, but he was calm and prepared, he had made up his mind, he was resigned.

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The only thing that pained him was the thought of his lovely little wife, the faithful friend of his life.

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Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was a very talented artist. Her pictures of beautiful, languishing women with dreamy eyes and burning red lips that called for kisses and caresses interested him much more than his own paintings. Her art seemed exciting and stimulating like a smell from ParisParis (historical), capital of France' jungle ...... it was an expression of the time and still full of passionate submission ...... pure in its line as a legacy from BotticelliSandro Botticelli (1445-1510), an Italian Renaissance painter and the other primitive Italians, but often with a tone of painful longing, reminiscent of WatteauJean-Antoine Watteau ((1684-1721), a French painter ...... It was as if suddenly, in the middle of a Parisian salon, you heard the distant echo from PanPan (fictional), in Greek mythology, the god of nature's flute.

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Perhaps just because their marriage had been a companionship right from the beginning they found life easy and comfortable to live only when they were together. They were inseparable. They had met each other at the academy of artsArt Academy (fictional), modeled on The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, where Einar and Gerda Wegener studied and met in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark and they were barely grown up when they had married. Bravely they had taken up life together. A few days after -@Editor: PLC the wedding AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had sold his first picture at his first exhibition for fifty kroner.

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As artists they had helped each other, always and under all circumstances ...... Shoulder to shoulder they had fought for their art and one of them would not dream of abandoning the other ...... Most of the time they had lived abroad, especially in ParisParis (historical), capital of France, and this life out among strangers may have connected them even more closely ...... at least they had been spared living in the atmosphere of superficiality, irresponsibility, and divorces that is spreading over CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark.

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But for this very reason there were often moments when AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter felt like a traitor to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator when he still more willingly listened to the tempting music of death ...... But now he had realised that he was no longer able to work ...... and this realisation comforted him. He thought he had the right to give in to his longing towards death before it had come so far that he weighed on GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator ...... the thought of this had for months taken all
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joy from him ...... no, he was not cowardly ...... nor did he feel as a martyr ...... but to become a burden to his little friend, no, this he would not!

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator guessed his thoughts and although she did everything to reassure him and give him new hope, she felt that it was in vain ...... She knew him inside out ...... there was so much that tied them together, so many fights, so many memories, both bright and dark ...... and perhaps most of all LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ...... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931? ...... Yes ...... For AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter consisted of two beings: of a man, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, and of a woman, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ...... you could also describe them as a couple of twins who both at the same time had taken possession of the same body. In character they were very different, but gradually LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 prevailed over AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter so that you could always trace her in him, even when she had withdrawn into the background – but never the other way around. While he felt tired and went around with his thoughts of death, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was perky and cheerful and longed to come out of her shell, like a larva that dreams of once having wings and becoming a colourful butterfly.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had become GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's favourite model. Her slim elf figure walked through all of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's best works ...... She had already become a type, a modern type of woman, created by the imagination of an artist ...... as everything new on this earth.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator felt like the protector of this carefree and helpless LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter felt the same ...... While LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 hated him because he was in her way, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter loved her more than himself. It was his hope that he would die so that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 could wake up to a new life before life had had time to disfigure their shared body.

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When the fatigue after the sleepless, painful nights overwhelmed him he had only the one thought left: to fall asleep for ever!

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II.

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When GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator woke up some hours later after a broken sleep her fear had disappeared and her decision remained firm. In her dreams she had seen a tall figure of a man in a white doctor's coat and with a strange, rather stern face – whom she did not know – softened by a smile expressing infinite goodness. The man held out both his hands towards her and she grasped them with deep gratitude.

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She woke AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, spoke to him kindly and explained to him that he, if for no other reason than out of politeness, had to go to ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques. There he could always think of some excuse if he still disliked the idea of going along to the German professorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist so much ...... She said it quite calmly and in a tone as if she did not attach much importance to it in order that he should not raise objections.

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An hour later AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was on his way to PassyPassy (historical), an upscale neighborhood in Paris, home of many avant-garde artists in the 1920s where ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini lived. He found them still in their huge four-poster and he sat on the edge of the bed next to ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques. A tempting tea table was wheeled in and with a smile refreshed from the night's sleep ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques displayed all her charm. Before AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter knew it he had given in.

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"As far as I am concerned you do not have to go there, darling," she chatted away apparently indifferent, "but now that you are here, I suppose you will give me the pleasure of escorting me to the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist ...... He's awfully anxious to see me ...... Isn't it so, ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini?"

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ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini nodded.

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"He's a big celebrity you must know, KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, is his name and he expects me punctually at twelve o'clock ...... You have to be present, please, because ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini does not dare to leave me alone with him – he's much too enchanting ...... Isn't that true, ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini mio?"

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ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini nodded again and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter bent over his friend's
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hand and kissed it citing his motto : Ce que femme veut, Dieu le veut! -@Editor: PLC ......

* * *

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On the stroke of twelve ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques's vehicle stopped outside a noble palace from the eighteenth century. She rang the bell and while they waited, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter took her hand:

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"ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, there's something I want to ask you. He's famous, isn't he? ...... But what if he ...... I don't really know how to express this ......"

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ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques looked gravely at her friend who was quite pale with emotion:

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"What is it? ...... Just say it, what are you afraid of?"

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His eyes glistened with moisture, and he finished he sentence:

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"I'm afraid that he will regard me as a sad renegade because ...... I would rather be a woman than a man."

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"No AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, you needn't be afraid of that, I assure you."

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And ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques put her soft woman's hands around his head, raised herself on the tips of her chapin shoes and quickly gave him a heart-felt kiss on the mouth. Steps were heard inside, and she hastily withdrew. A servant opened the door and before they had been announced, a tall slim gentleman came towards them. He was in a dark close-fitting suit that gave his tight elegance an almost military quality. His hair was brushed back and lay like a dark, shiny mass, while the small short-trimmed moustache had a light blond tone.

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When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter later tried to recall the features of the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's face from his memory, he always only remembered the eyes, a pair of grey-blue deep-set eyes that were both light and dark at the same time and whose look had a strange captivating power.

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It was Professor Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter felt his heart beating and while the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist with a somewhat ceremonial cordiality led them into a large salon and exchanged a few words with ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, he realised for the first time that German is a beautiful and musical language ...... Really a strange voice this German voice, he thought to himself, it sounds
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so curiously muffled and yet as if accustomed to command – and to meet with unconditional obedience.

.................

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As in a dream he heard ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques tell the tale of his own sufferings to the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist ...... He could not think and he sensed nothing but this voice. It was as if he had come completely in its power, it was both light and dark, just like the eyes ...... this look and the voice penetrated deep into his soul.

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What would this voice say to him and what message did the eyes have for him? ...... A death sentence ...... Did he expect anything else? ...... Did he expect anything at all? ...... Had he even come here with a specific goal? No, he wouldn't ask, just wait – and listen.

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Suddenly he was brought back to reality, the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist was standing in front of him, but he barely looked at him and only said a few words. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter followed him into the next room, apparently the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's study, where he asked his patient to undress. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter obeyed like a sleepwalker, he no longer had any will ...... he wanted to say something and searched for the German words.

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"I need no explanations," the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist interrupted him, "you feel the pain here, don't you ...... and there ...... and there, too ...... isn't that right?"

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He let his hand slide over AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' body, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was content to smile, shy and timid ...... he felt an almost frightened surprise. How could this stranger know where he felt his pain? And his surprise rose to amazement when the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist took a pile of photographs of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 that ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques had brought him and placed them before him on the table in the order in which they were taken.

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"There we have the development," he said quite naturally ...... "I hear that a radiologist has given you an X-ray treatment ...... and that without having made any chemical or microscopic examination. ...... It is impossible to say whether he has damaged your sexual glands, that is the possibly present female glands ...... it will only become apparent through a closer examination."

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"Female!" AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter uttered the word as a scream – "so ...... I have ......?"

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He did not get any further ...... he could hardly breathe from excitement ...... everything revolved around him in a whirl.

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"Yes, most likely," the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist continued dryly and matter of factly, "the fact is that I assume that you have female as well as male organs, but that none of them have had the opportunity to develop fully ...... it is fortunate for you that you feel like a woman to such a pronounced degree ...... therefore I believe that I can help you."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter clutched at his heart. He had leaned forward to be as close as possible to the words the stranger said to him, and he stared fixedly into his eyes to find further confirmation of the words.

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"And what should I do?" he stammered.

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The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist got up and walked a few times up and down the floor:

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"You must come to me in GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin., and I hope that I can give you a new life and a new youth."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter straightened up and struggled to get the words out:

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"That means that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ..... she will be allowed to live?"

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"Yes," Professor Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist answered, "I will do the operation myself, and I will give you a pair of fresh female sexual glands, and in a short time you will have a new vitality that can bring you out of the standstill that occurred in your development at the age of puberty. But first you have to subject yourself to various examinations in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. Then you can come to me in DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter still sat quite entranced as ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, whom the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had fetched, came up to him and maternally patted him on the cheek.

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"That will be quite something for LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to go into the famous Frauenklinik," she jokingly said to hide her emotion.

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The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist looked at AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter with a youthful and slightly embarrassed smile:

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"May I be permitted to make an indiscreet question? ......You are married, aren't you? ...... Yes, I only care to know, what is of importance to me as a doctor ......"

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"I think I had better go," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques discretely added, but AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter seized her hand.

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"No, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, don't go ...... I have no secrets from you ......"

Page 18
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The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist came to the aid of both of them:

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"I can put my question in another way. What is the position as regards for instance ...... yes, I have heard the name LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 several times ...... that is with LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and the other sex ...... I mean, are men interested in her? -@Editor: PLC"

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"Yes, I should think so ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques answered him laughing, "it is simply incredible what attraction this little naughty person has for our male friends ...... I have been at several carnivals where LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was playing her game and where she at last was like a hunted animal. Isn't it true, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter?"

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter silently stared in front of him, he could neither speak nor smile.

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The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had become objective again:

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"What you are telling me, madam, quite corresponds to the picture I have formed myself ...... and I think that she – we may as well at once for the sake of convenience say she – will become even more attractive after the operation ...... By the way, I must draw attention to the fact that this operation, which will be the first of its kind, will give rise to numerous difficulties, not least with respect to legal matters ...... but I promise you that I'll not abandon LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 when she will take her first steps in life."

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ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques saw that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was about to faint and she rushed over to him and threw her arms around him. Sobbing he put his head on her shoulder.

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"Oh, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques," he stammered through tears, "dear sweet friend ...... now life comes back to me, the life that I no longer wanted anything to do with. It is you, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, who has saved me ...... without you I would not be here."

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Professor Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist stood by the window and looked down at the street. His pure, regular profile showed in a sharp angle against the halftones between the sunlight and the shadows from the room. It was an image that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter never, as long as he was AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, forgot.

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Then the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist turned from the window towards him and reached out both his hands to him ...... Without a word AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter grabbed these strong, steady hands firmly enclosing his. The two men -@Translator: MO who only a few minutes ago had become acquainted looked at each other. Then the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist quietly said:

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"I understand you, you must have gone through a lot!"

Page 19

III.

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Meanwhile GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical), nicknamed Vâpe, the Wegeners’ (Sparres’) dog waited in the studio. HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical), nicknamed Vâpe, the Wegeners’ (Sparres’) dog was the third member of the little household, a white and pink female dog who was a native of ParisParis (historical), capital of France and most of all looked like a liver pâté with truffles; just like the genuine Strassburger pâté this too was surrounded by a dear layer of fat. However, she became as slender as a doe in GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's paintings and resembled the ethereal imaginary creatures one finds on old Gothic wallpapers and valuable tapestries.

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HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical), nicknamed Vâpe, the Wegeners’ (Sparres’) dog had long since completed the Sparre family's education. Both GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter knew all her habits and had learned to respect them. In return she took part in the family's joys and sorrows – and meals in particular. She must have been musical because she always stretched contentedly when she heard music – only WagnerRichard Wagner (1813-1883), a German composer was something of a strain on her nerves. When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter put the Parsifal record on the gramophone she began to play noisily with a bone in the vain hope of drowning out the music ...... HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical), nicknamed Vâpe, the Wegeners’ (Sparres’) dog had delicate nails the colour of mother of pearl – in connection with HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical), nicknamed Vâpe, the Wegeners’ (Sparres’) dog one could not use the term claws – that she used to sharpen on the silk covers of the Rococo furniture, which for that reason often looked a little worn. Most of her time she spent on the divan where despite her smallness she had gradually created a little hollow – like a nest.

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When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter finally appeared HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical), nicknamed Vâpe, the Wegeners’ (Sparres’) dog rushed toward him and jumped delightedly and barked at him. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was deadly pale, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator guided him to the divan and sat next to him. She did not ask but forced herself – and HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical), nicknamed Vâpe, the Wegeners’ (Sparres’) dog – to wait and see.

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When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter finally started to speak she listened to him with her eyes closed. What was dream and what was reality? Excited she listened to the words with which he tried to describe his meeting with the German doctor ...... - Was it possible that this was the release, the sal-
[Page 20]
vation for her friend? GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator asked in her heart. Where did things lead for him, for her, for both of them? A thousand questions and concerns stormed at her while AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter recounted, filled by his great adventure.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had an alert and clear mind that always knew how to grasp the essence of things, and as she now slowly opened her eyes and looked down at AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter she realised that it was fate that had intervened and that she would face a parting from a friend who was dear to her ...... he would disappear and who knew what would happen then? Would a new creature come into being ...... a new person?

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter saw her emotion, he sat up, took her hand, and gently stroked it:

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, sweet little GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, you mustn't be sad ...... come ......"

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He led her to an easel in the middle of the studio in front of the wide north window. On the easel stood a large painting with three female figures that were like sisters. In front of one lay a fine, slim dog, and the woman had GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's features. The other woman had ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques's face and between the two – as though protected by the two sisters – was a third woman who resembled AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter ...... that is, no, it was not him ......

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For a long time they stood in front of the picture, then AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter pointed at the woman in the middle and, moved, sincerely said:

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"Thank you, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, thank you, for having believed in LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to the very end ...... You know that I could never doubt myself ...... You know how I have lived my life, how I listened to the wind, the trees, and the clouds, how I walked about in nature and painted as well as I could, right until ...... yes, why shouldn't I say it now? ...... right until I could not paint anymore ...... You know that I was always honest with what I heard ......I knew how it grew and flourished out there ...... every blade of grass, every bush told me about its soul ...... every house and every street, where I took out my sketch book, showed me its heart ...... how could I disappoint myself when I listened to my own heart and heard that inside me something began to grow, something different ...... something new? ......"

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator smiled distantly but her smile did not apply to the picture, it
[Page 21]
concerned the face she had seen in dreams at night, the white figure ......

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"I'm so happy," she whispered.

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"I'm so happy," he whispered.

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Then they were both silent.

* * *

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In the evening AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter broke down. He had thrown himself on the divan and cried for a whole hour with his face hidden in the cushions. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator tried in vain to bring him to his senses, his strength failed him.

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Professor Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's last words: "You have gone through a lot," were still in his ear, and only now he understood how true it was, now, when he could be quite honest with himself ...... Not even in the following days was he able to pull himself together, though GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator did everything to help him:

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"You must be happy, you hear, now everything will be well!"

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Now and then he took new courage, however ...... "The stranger promised me a new youth ...... no, no, not me ...... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 will live, he said ...... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ...... that is the new youth he will give to me!"

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Days when he sank into the deepest despair alternated with days when he was in high spirits and full of hope. The waiting time seemed endless to him. Time crept forward, and sleepless nights separated the days that were like bleak deserts ...... One such night when AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was dozing he had the following dream:

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-@Editor: PLCHe sat in the train to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany ...... it darted through northern FranceFrance is a western European country whose capital is Paris. ...... The speed was so high that the swaying of the train had almost ceased – it was as if it was sucked into the distance without resistance. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was sitting by the window staring out over the woods and fields, when he suddenly caught sight of a supernatural great coal-black rider in the fog racing in competition with the rushing train - He rode so fast that his cloak was parallel to the wind, taut as a sail ...... The train no longer stopped at the stations, it just raged on .....but each time it rushed past a station AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter still caught a glimpse of the sinister black rider in the whirring light from the lamps of the platform ...... the darkness gradually changed character, as if the train was rushing through areas that had never known
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the light of the sun ......And suddenly all the passengers pushed through the aisles towards the locomotive to help the stoker; they shovelled coal into the glowing machine to increase the speed, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter understood that the rider beside the train was Death ...... Every now and then, the rider stretched out his hand, grabbed one of the passengers, and cracked him with a gruesome laughter between his nails ...... During its frantic speed the train lost one carriage after another – eventually only the tender was left behind the locomotive ...... They had reached the end of the world, and the train crashed into endless depths ...... But AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter has jumped out and finds himself on a narrow road, sharp as the edge of a knife and bathed in light. And suddenly LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 stands by his side. He takes her hand and they run along the knife-edge road pursued by Death, now no longer on horseback ...... But LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's strength fades and Death comes ever closer ...... Then AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter cries: "Run, little sister, run ...... I'll fight against death for you" ...... The struggle does not last long, Death is the strongest, it grabs AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, lifts him up, sucking the life out of him, and hurls him into the abyss where his body whirls around and around like a dry leaf ...... But LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 runs and runs until she reaches the end of the narrow road. Then she jumps out – and falls into the arms of a figure dressed in white. Death stretches his hands out to her, but the white figure grows and becomes big and mighty, spreads its white wings and fills the whole room ...... Foot by foot it forces back Death ...... And now LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 is on an island with shining silver birches ......trembling she has fallen to her knees, and a small, pale red, gothic angel supports her while she hears the roar from the mighty wings as Death is overcome by the struggling Genius and disappears into the deep ......"

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter – and not only AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter – never forgot this dream that he did not tell anyone.

– – – –

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One evening AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter said to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator:

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"I come to think of my old headmaster who told us about the negro slaves at St. CroixSt. Croix (historical), an island in the Caribbean once part of the Danish West Indies , that they rebelled just the day before their release from slavery ... Now I understand ...... I can no longer bear to wait ......"

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The day after he went to ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques who received him in her dressing room.

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"Tell me," he said, "is it really true that I have met Professor Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, and that he promised to help me?"

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ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, who was going out, quite calmly and unceremoniously began to change. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter blushed and was embarrassed but ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques smiled at him mischievously:

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"This is the best answer I can give you ...... it shows that I no longer regard you as a male but as a female friend, and that our visit to the German professorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist has not been a dream."

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A few days later a telegram from GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin. arrived in the morning. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was to be in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany the following Saturday at the latest and take rooms at a hotel specified in the telegram.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques accompanied AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter to the train. Since the arrival of the telegram he had hardly spoken ...... Nor did he show his overwhelming emotion at the station. Only a couple of playful remarks passed his lips ...... he just felt an intense longing to get away and be alone ...... escape from the past and the present ...... and not think before the goal was reached ...... what goal? ...... He dared not ask ...... All this whirled round in his brain ...... but no one should notice, no one ...... And when the train started to move, he happily waved goodbye to his two dear friends ...... But his face was rigid like a mask.

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IV.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had a window seat. By habit he had lit a Caporal and mechanically he smoked one cigarette after another and followed the blue-green spirals of smoke. He was a prey to the brain fatigue that often follows forced preparations for a journey at the moment when the train sets in motion and you are suddenly alone and doomed to inactivity ...... for many hours ahead ...... a whole eternity.

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The first feeling that resurfaced in his mind was fear ...... All at once he had become aware that he had exposed himself ...... but a few moments later the fear transformed into melancholy ...... it was as if something thawed and melted inside him, something that had paralysed his mind and in the last days in ParisParis (historical), capital of France had made him quite another being. It was at the moment when ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques brought the telegram from BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany that he had felt himself stiffen as if an iron curtain had descended on his torn soul.

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And suddenly he saw the two dear faces before him ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator ...... ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques ...... his little companion for many, many years ...... through defeats and victories, and like the other, his friend ...... he could not keep them apart, the two faces slid together, they meant the same: Home ...... his home ...... in ParisParis (historical), capital of France ...... And now he had left his home ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator ...... ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques ...... ParisParis (historical), capital of France!

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He had not even leaned out the window to see the Eiffel TowerEiffel Tower (historical), the most famous Parisian landmark, constructed in 1887 once more ...... Sacré-CoeurSacré-Coeur (historical), a Roman Catholic church in Paris, the highly situated church resembling a mirage with its white domes ...... ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator ...... Everything that he cared about had been wiped out, disappeared behind the hazy horizon ...... gone ...... forever.

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Forever? ...... Yes, forever – because he, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, would never return to ParisParis (historical), capital of France, that he knew. But perhaps another being? ...... He was not able to
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finish the thought ...... a wild grief trembled through him, and he forced himself to think only of ParisParis (historical), capital of France, its blue-grey, always smiling sky, and of the spirited, ironic and yet indulgent expression with which it meets everybody as a good and understanding sister ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator ...... ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques ...... ParisParis (historical), capital of France ...... this triad followed him, the fugitive ...... And all at once it was hammered home by the rhythm of the train: Fugitive ...... Fugitive ...... No ...... No ...... he is no fugitive, he is, yes, what is he?

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"Le déjeuner, premier service!" was shouted in the corridor, and he discovered that all his fellow passengers had left the compartment ...... And suddenly he was afraid to be alone. He followed the others and got into the dining car but he did not touch the food, and on his way back he had to stand still and hold on to one of the windows in the side corridor ...... He had been attacked by his old pains, and the jolt it gave every time the wheels ran over a rail joint caused him pain. Finally he reached his seat in the corner by the window.

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He stared out at some strangely planted fields ...... no, they were not plants, they were crosses – soldiers' graves it was ...... the field of the dead ...... cross by cross – going on forever ...... they reminded him of his dream about the black rider racing the train. -@Editor: PLC

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...... Reality is yet far more dreadful than the dream, he thought ...... the rider of death he could escape but not the pains ...... and not himself ...... how would he escape from himself? ...... And he must again think of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator ...... Why had he refused to allow her to follow him? She had begged for it, but he had forced her to stay in ParisParis (historical), capital of France and wait ...... wait for ...... No, he would not give in, he lit another cigarette and forced himself to turn off his thoughts.

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Now they had reached the border and the other passengers in the compartment had gotten off. The train moved at a snail's pace through BelgiumBelgium (historical), a country in western Europe whose capital is Brussels. and stopped at a lot of small stations so that people who had an abundance of time could get on or off ...... At the German customs border a new locomotive came on and the speed was increased. Evening fell and the train roared into the darkness.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had sat for long time in the dining car drinking and drinking
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to numb himself ...... and the dreadful pains that the bumps and rolling of the train caused him ...... Now he has returned to his corner. He sets his teeth and closes his eyes. He has broken all bridges, everything behind him is irrevocably over. And now he is in GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin., which he had so far only seen passing through, and where he must now find his destiny, a new life ...... or ...... -@Editor: PLC

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He thinks of the letter he sent to Professor Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist on the day he got the telegram: "I pledge myself to you for life or death ...... if only LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 is allowed to live!" ...... Yes, that is what he had written and he stood by it ...... all that remained of male pride in him straightened up: I'm getting closer to the goal, I must endure! -@Editor: PLC

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He inadvertently smiled, not for nothing did he belong to a nation where things are not taken tragically but met with a smile ...... Yes, he said to himself, one may just as well write one's obituary at once.

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And in his thoughts he formed his artistic legacy:

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"The painter Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter is dead. He died on the train between ParisParis (historical), capital of France and BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. The cause of death was probably heart failure. -@Editor: PLC

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A happy and harmonious artist's life has thus come to a premature close. He was a man in the prime of life and with a promising future. He seemed just now after a long search and various experiments to have found his own style. His last paintings are characterised by both artistic confidence and human insight ...... His pictures, whose motifs for the most part were found in FranceFrance is a western European country whose capital is Paris. and ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome., are sometimes bright and colourful and sometimes dark and melancholy – but always full of atmosphere and feeling for nature. He continuously returned to the same two subjects: ParisParis (historical), capital of France with the Seine banksBanks of the Seine (historical); a river that runs through Paris, bridges, and towers whose pearl grey, slightly hazy atmosphere he knew how to render with considerable mastery, and landscapes under a threatening sky and with a dark background against which trees and houses shine in hectic colours. With these pictures he won his significant victories at the great Parisian exhibitions. One had the impression, however, that it was mainly the powerful storm pictures perceived in a distinctly masculine way that released his particular artistic talent. They testify to a strong touch of virility
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that constituted a peculiar contrast to his refined, almost feminised appearance. -@Editor: PLC

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He painted very quickly and in that way he got time to occupy himself with other interests beside his paintings. His knowledge was extensive and he was familiar with all art forms. Very characteristic was an answer that he once gave to an older colleague in TrianonGrand Trianon (historical), a palace on the estate of Versailles outside Paris when he expressed his criticism of the fact that a younger artist laid out his pictures in a, in his opinion, much too systematic way. 'You must forgive me that I do not share your sentiments,' Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter answered, 'but I do believe that it is impossible to paint a leaf of a rose if you are not completely familiar with the influence exerted by Greek sculpture on Assyrian relief art.' – – – On another occasion Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter said: 'I don't understand the frivolity with which my contemporaries treat their art and their satisfaction with what they produce ...... Personally I think I would need a thousand years just to become a fairly decent painter.' That is how seriously Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter took his art.

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The greater part of his life he spent outside DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen. in ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome., HollandHolland (the Netherlands, historical), a country in northwestern Europe whose capital is Amsterdam., and FranceFrance is a western European country whose capital is Paris.. Most of his time he lived in ParisParis (historical), capital of France ...... 'I'm neither Danish nor French,' he said of himself, 'definitely not French, but I'm a Parisian, and if that is not a nationality I have none.'

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When he turned his back on his native country, though he immediately gained much recognition at home, it was because he thought that the right soil for his wife Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's art did not exist in DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen.. He was often told that his way of painting was preferred to hers, and that was about the worst thing you could say to him, it offended his distinctly chivalrous nature. In ParisParis (historical), capital of France where the opposite was the case, he immediately felt at home. He considered GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's triumphs as his own. For himself he did not have any ambitions, and as for artistic skill he made strict demands on himself. -@Editor: PLC

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In spite of the inevitable influence that no artist living in ParisParis (historical), capital of France can free himself from, he had retained his special Nordic artist's talent ...... In cooperation with a French artistCharles Guyot (1892-1963?), French writer, co-author of Les Livres des Vikings (1924) with Einar Wegener he has written a book about a number of Nordic legends that has been printed in many editions in ParisParis (historical), capital of France and France. It made him very proud, he was pleased that with this book he had opened the Germanic world of ideas to the Romanic reading public and thus in the post-war period – the book was published in 1924 – contributed to the building of a bridge between the Germanic and the Romanic spirit. -@Editor: PLC

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In the last years his health left much to be desired. He complained of being in great pain, but it was done with a smile, and therefore no one believed that his condition was so serious. Now death has interrupted this bright and captivating artistic career and his life that was devoted to work and the struggle for art, will for all who knew him stand as an unfinished work ......"

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"Full stop," he finished and smiled to himself remembering that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had written something like this about him in her diary, which she had fallen asleep over one night a short time ago after a day when he had been on the verge of a bodily and spiritual collapse. But she did not know that he had read it.

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"Yes, and something similar," he said to himself, "may be printed about me in the paper in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark that is kindly disposed to me ...... If one of my so-called 'good colleagues' is to write about me in another paper, it will probably be a different tune ......"

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V.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had not booked a sleeping car ticket. He disliked sleeping with complete strangers, and he felt it as an unassailable shame when he had to undress in the presence of other men ...... But he was lucky, as the train drove on after a short stop in CologneCologne (historical), city in Germany he was still alone. He folded his hands as a child ...... If only he could be allowed to sleep ...... just this one night ...... not have to think, just sleep ...... sleep ...... He stretched out on the seat and fell asleep.

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A dreadful, stinging pain caused him to jump up with a cry ...... his head was swimming ...... a red mist rose around him ...... and then it suddenly became completely dark and he sank into a deep, deep abyss ...... He felt an eternity had passed before he recovered consciousness and found himself lying on the floor ...... What had happened? He did not know ...... he looked at his watch. It was midnight – seven more agonising hours before he reached BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany.

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With difficulty he managed to get up, and he lay down on the seat again ...... The pain had subsided somewhat ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, little GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, he sighed, I miss your cool hand that has so often helped me, just as my hand laid itself soothingly on your forehead when you were tormented for my sake ...... He got up and drew the shades down, took off his jacket and rolled it up to place his head higher. He had put his coat over himself ...... before he had been much too hot, now he was shivering with cold ...... And the pain resumed. With a deafening noise the train raged past a station and the lights from the platform threw milky white, ghostlike shadows into the compartment ...... shuddering he pulled his coat over his head ...... The dream – the dark rider – is he pursuing him? ...... Is that not the outline of a figure outside against the window? ...... Nonsense, he must be running a fever ...... he is shivering too, he can hear his teeth chatter, his hair is sticking
[Page 30]
to his temples and he is afraid ...... afraid of the rider, whose cloak stands out in the wind taut as a sail ...... He clearly hears the sound of the wind in the cloak ...... quite clear and louder and louder ...... or is it just the freezing cold entering through the window?

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The train slows down and stops.

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"Hanover! Hanover!" is shouted outside. And he hears the sound of hammer blows against the wheels, at first far away and then closer ...... in the end the blows are right under his compartment, and it is as if someone hammered on the top of his head. He hears German voices, car doors are slammed open and shut. Then the train slowly starts again ...... Dear God, it may be as tired as I am, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter thinks and makes himself comfortable on the bench again.

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But suddenly he jumps up. The door to his compartment has been pushed aside and against the light from the corridor the outline of a woman's figure appears. For a moment she timidly withdraws from the darkness, then she lifts a small suitcase up into the net and sits by the window in the corner facing the corridor.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter gets up and mechanically turns on the light ...... The train does not stop again before BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany, so there is no hope of being alone again ...... He wondered if the next compartment might be empty? ...... No, that would look rude ...... he had to pull himself together and not complain. He is enough of a man not to allow a stranger to have pity on him. He sits up straight and assumes a correct posture.

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The lady is young and elegant; he observes her, but she does not seem to notice ...... The expression in her eyes is striking. It is as if she sees nothing, as if she has no idea that there is someone else in the compartment ...... He is annoyed that he has turned on the light ...... it would have been so nice to spend the rest of the night in darkness ...... but now it is too late ......He could of course ask, but that could be misunderstood ......

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter felt ill at ease ...... now he clearly sensed that he had a fever ...... his throat constricted and he thought it was as stifling hot as it had been icy cold a short while ago ...... Would this journey never come to an end? ...... When would time cease to stand still? ...... Once again the train roared past a station with a diabolical noise and again the pale light flickered
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through the window. He jumped up to pull the curtains closer.

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Then he heard someone crying.

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He looked across at the young woman in the other corner. She sat quite still and tears streamed down her cheeks. She must have noticed that he was looking at her but she did nothing to control her crying or hide her tears ...... How strange women are, he thought, so completely different from men ...... Have they no pride at all or are they really so weak?

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931! ...... Would LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 become like this, too? Yes, actually, she had most likely always been so ...... been like the morsel of humanity over there who sat and wept as if she had been abandoned by the whole world.

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She was still rather young, her ash-blonde hair lay straight around a high and narrow girl's forehead ...... her eyes, veiled by tears, were probably light blue and by nature carefree and happy. She had taken off her gloves, on one of her fingers was a plain ring of gold ...... so she was engaged. -@Editor: PLC He was seized by a deep compassion for this young, desperate woman.

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"Mademoiselle," he began softly, but she did not seem to have heard him. Then he remembered that he was in GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin..

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"Gnädiges Fräulein," he awkwardly repeated in German.

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Her red eyes met his gaze wherein apparently she read his honest compassion ...... her eyelashes that were wet with tears, glistened like silver ...... A ravishing bride, he thought.

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"I would very much like to help you," he said, "something sad must have happened to you ......"

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That was as far as he got. She had hidden her face in her hands and sobbed so piteously that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter did not know what to do. He sat down beside her, took her hand, and softly stroked it. She put her other hand on top of his and gradually she became calmer and began to speak.

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She was engaged to a famous pianistPianist XX (fictional), no known historical model -@Editor: PLC who two days ago had travelled to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany where he had given a concert that met with rapturous jubilation. Tonight he was to return, she had gone to the station to meet him and there she had caught sight
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of a BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany newspaper with his name in large print on the front page.

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She handed the paper that was crumbled and stained with tears to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. It said -@Editor: PLC that as the famous pianist was on his way back to his hotel after the distinguished concert his car had collided with a tram, and severely injured he had been brought to the hospital where it was feared that his life could not be saved.

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Shaken he let the paper fall ...... He had offered her his help? What must she not think of him? And yet perhaps? – How often had he, who was not able to help himself, not managed to calm the sorrows of others and relieve their pain. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator claimed that he was in possession of a supernatural power ...... perhaps he still had so much of this power left in this terrible night that he could provide this desperate young woman with tranquillity.

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He took her hand again and held it firmly enclosed. To begin with it trembled like a captive bird, but gradually her crying became quieter and finally it stopped completely ...... He began to stroke her hand again ...... now and then she was shaken by renewed sobbing but her breathing became more and more regular ...... Suddenly AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter felt her blond hair against his face, her head had sunk to his shoulder – she slept. He put his arm around her to support her and he smiled happily ...... Then he still possessed the mysterious power to help others ...... even now!

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A couple of times he sought to free himself from his constrained position, but then her mouth trembled ...... How strange life is, he thought ...... This is me, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter from CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, I come from ParisParis (historical), capital of France and am on my way to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany to meet my hour of destiny ...... and now I'm sitting here with a small German woman, someone else's bride, in my arms ...... Blind providence has brought us together ...... isn't that far more wonderful than the novels invented by the poets?

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The pace of the train was now quite steady ...... it was like a rocking cradle, and he dozed off.

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He was awakened by a sob, the young girl stared at him with a couple of bewildered eyes ...... a cold morning light entered through the curtains.

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"Oh, forgive me," he exclaimed stammering, for in his sleep he had accidentally changed his position. She did not answer, but started to cry like a tormented child who is quite alone in the world. He spoke to her consolingly until she settled down again in his arms ...... A few hot tears went down his cheeks ...... now he understood why fate had brought this young, lovely woman into his path. It was in order that he should feel like a man for the last time, in order that as a man he should take leave of the eternal feminine.

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The tall houses of BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany appeared in the morning mist and he had to wake the sleeping girl. She jumped up with a cry:

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"Oh God, what is it? ...... Is he dead ...... No, no, he mustn't die!"

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"Child," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter said in a firm but infinitely gentle voice, "I don't know your name nor you mine ...... but it doesn't really matter, you must believe me, I know he is alive!"

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"Yes, yes, I believe you," she replied, "and I am calm, quite calm ..... I shall never, never forget you!"

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Some minutes later she had disappeared in the crowd of the station. The crumpled newspaper was the only thing he had left of her.

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"I helped you," he thought, "although I myself may have been closer to death than your beloved ...... now I feel that we both shall live, he and I both."

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A few days later AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter happened to read in a newspaper that the bridegroomPianist XX (fictional), no known historical model of his unknown fellow passenger was on his way to recovery.

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VI.

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Accompanied by a porter carrying his two suitcases AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter covered the distance from the railway station over to the hotel on foot.

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"How cold it is here in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany," he said surprised, and turned his coat collar up around his ears ...... "and today is even the first of March. In ParisParis (historical), capital of France it was already spring.

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"Yes, in ParisParis (historical), capital of France," the porter replied. And that was the end of the conversation.

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In the hotel, where Professor Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist used to stay himself when he was in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany, they had been notified about AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' arrival and received him with the utmost politeness. The receptionist had a letter -@Editor: PLC for him. He opened it when he had come up to his room. It was from DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany and informed him that Professor Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist in order not to waste time had made appointments with various specialists who were to examine him. A few minutes later one of them, Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin, called him on the phone, and they agreed on a time when he was to see him ...... He had barely hung up before the telephone rang again. It was one of his old friends from CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, the poet and lawyer Niels HvideNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 who had already lived in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany for many years.

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"How do you know that I am here?"

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator has written to me. Get a taxi and come here. IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 and I are waiting for you with breakfast."

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This NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 was a brilliant man. He was of pure Nordic race. He originated from VendsysselNorth Jutland (historical), Jutand is a region of Denmark. We had to distinguish North Jutland from Jutland because in some languages North Jutland is one word and can signify a specific identity., where his family owned estates and farms. He might also have been an English lord, one of those about whom the English themselves say: "With us nobility is measured by yards" ...... IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938, his wife, was a typical modern, well-groomed young woman. Her henna coloured hair formed a piquant contrast to her big, almost childish, blue eyes, and in the delicate porcelain complexion of her face a cinnabar red mouth shone. They both loved to travel, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had made several
[Page 35]
journeys with them. They were very close, but they knew nothing about AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' secret, and that made him a little uneasy.

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They received him most heartily and as long as IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 was present they only talked of matters of no importance. But as soon as she had left the room, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 in his straightforward and robust way said:

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"Well, we are informed, you know ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator already made certain hints in ParisParis (historical), capital of France last year that made me understand why you had the bizarre idea of allowing yourself to be used as her female model ...... and in the letter she tells me everything."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter involuntarily looked up at one of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's paintings hanging on the wall immediately opposite him and representing LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 caught his gaze and continued:

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"Yes, it will be a strange turn of your life ...... but take comfort in the thought that you will be in good hands ...... Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist is one of our greatest ...... The important thing is that you have enough strength ...... you look a little tired, but then it is not easy to have to choose between yourself ..... and ......"

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He pointed up at the painting.

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"It is not about choice, but about life or death," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter answered seriously, "I am condemned to die ...... The question is if the other being living inside me, when it is freed of all the disguises of the body and soul, will be able to live life and take up the fight against it ......"

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 saw that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was greatly moved and as he knew that his friend would need all his spiritual and physical strength he changed to a jesting tone:

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"Here we don't die, my friend, here we carry it through ...... and the result will be a first-class phenomenon."

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"No," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter interrupted. "I don't want to be a phenomenon ...... I want to be a quite normal and ordinary woman."

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"Normal and ordinary? ..... Do you think that ......"

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"Please, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, let us not talk about the future ......"

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"You're right. Let us rather talk about the past ...... Are you even aware of when and how this LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 evolved and gained power over you?"

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"I'll tell you all that some other time ...... now I must go to Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin and the other doctors."

Page 36
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"Good," NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 answered with his friendly laugh, "but when you have been through your task, we expect you to dinner."

* * *

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Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin, the inventor of a new method for the examination of blood, received AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter in a pleasant and considerate manner and asked him a number of somewhat difficult questions in such a factual and scientific tone that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter could answer them without the slightest embarrassment. Then he took a few blood samples while he explained how he, through a number of serological reactions, could determine the hormone content of the blood that was crucial to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's life possibilities.

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"From me you are going to the sexual psychologist, Professor HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional), modeled on Magnus Hirschfeld (1868–1935), a German physician and one of the most influential sexologists of the time; Einar Wegener was examined at his Institute in March 1930," he informed his patient, "he will subject you to a mental examination ...... From a purely scientific perspective you can think what you will, but his experience in this field is so great that in a case like this there is no getting round him ...... Finally you have to contact another of my colleagues, Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown, with whom I personally collaborate ...... when you come up to me again tomorrow morning the result of our examinations will be sent to your friend, Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist."

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"Your friend" ...... These words made AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' heart beat, and when shortly afterwards he found himself in Professor HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional), modeled on Magnus Hirschfeld (1868–1935), a German physician and one of the most influential sexologists of the time; Einar Wegener was examined at his Institute in March 1930's impressive Institute of Sexual ScienceInstitute for Psychiatry (fictional), modeled on the Institut Für Sexualwissenschaft (Institute for Sexual Science) in Berlin, founded by Magnus Hirschfeld in 1919; Einar Wegener was initially examined there he repeated them to himself – otherwise he would no doubt have lost courage ...... What am I doing here? He felt a moral discomfort with this large room that seemed more like a club for the sexually abnormal: Women who looked like men in disguise and men about whom it was hard to believe that they were really men ...... The manner in which these people conversed with each other, their movements, their voices, their attire, everything he disliked heartily ......

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At last Professor HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional), modeled on Magnus Hirschfeld (1868–1935), a German physician and one of the most influential sexologists of the time; Einar Wegener was examined at his Institute in March 1930 appeared and led him into his study where he subjected him to an hour-long interview. It was a relentless inquisition, a mental torture for AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter ...... but presumably it was necessaary. When it was over, he was briefly dismissed: Tomorrow, same time.

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At the next in the series, Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown, it turned out that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had already
[Page 37]
acquired a certain routine in answering the questions put to him. Here the examination was conducted more as a conversation, however, and before he knew, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was into a lively political discussion about the relations between FranceFrance is a western European country whose capital is Paris. and GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin.. Quite en passant the doctor stuck a thin syringe into his arm to take a blood sample. Also Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown wished to see him the next day.

d1-trc06p028

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter felt morally anguished when he returned to IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938:

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"I can't go on! Why don't we go out and enjoy ourselves? I need to see people, healthy people."

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IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 had another engagement, but NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 was happy to accept AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' proposal. They started in a small Russian restaurant, and subsequently toured around different places where they drank German, French, Hungarian and Spanish wine. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 was a connoisseur of wine, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter did not need persuasion – he drank heavily.

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"Your health!" NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 said. "You are a strange fellow. Tonight you behave like a real man and tomorrow you may expect me to treat you like a lady ......"

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"I can appreciate that you find it difficult to understand," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter answered and looked calmly at his friend. "I do too ...... but I am fully aware that there are two beings in me, and that each of them has his or her -@Translator: MO own and – I insist that you believe that – completely healthy and normal emotional life."

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"Yes, that is precisely what is incomprehensible," NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 declared. "I have known you for many years ...... as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, I mean – LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 you have kept hidden from us until now ...... and I have never felt that you were not like all other men ...... I have seen myself that women like you, and that is surely the best proof ......"

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He interrupted himself and put his hand on AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' shoulder:

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"I hope you do not take it amiss if I ask you a question?"

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"No," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter smiled, "I've become accustomed to that during today."

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"Tell me ...... have you never ...... been attracted to your own sex ...... You understand what I mean?"

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter shook his head:

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"Honestly, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, never! ...... It has not interested me in the least." -@Editor: PLC

Page 38
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"Bravo, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, I thought so ...... Your health again! Let us drink to the future! Had you lived in ancient GreeceGreece is a southeastern European country whose capital is Athens., perhaps you would had been declared a demigod, and in the Middle Ages you would had been burned, for at that time miracles were forbidden ...... Nowadays, however, at least doctors are permitted to act as miracle makers."

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They emptied their glasses, and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 accompanied AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter back to the hotel.

* * *

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Next morning AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had regained at least his outward composure, and punctually he met with Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin.

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"I have spoken with Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, and we have agreed," the ProfessorProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin said, "that you will undergo a preparatory operation with one of our young colleaguesProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 here in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany – a very skilled surgeon ...... When it is over there is no reason why you shouldn't go to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany."

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"Why not right away?" AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter stammered disappointed.

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"KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist is head of a women's clinic ...... and your case," the ProfessorProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin smiled, "is a little ...... unusual, even for us doctors ...... But as soon as you have been operated on here in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany, you are no longer Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter ......"

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"But LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931? ......" AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter exclaimed and sank into a chair.

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"Perhaps you can say that ...... Professor HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional), modeled on Magnus Hirschfeld (1868–1935), a German physician and one of the most influential sexologists of the time; Einar Wegener was examined at his Institute in March 1930 has informed me that he considers you to be mentally eighty percent woman ...... and the blood tests have given a similar result ...... I'll be present at the operation here in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany myself, but first a series of photographs must be taken of you – for purely scientific reasons, of course ...... So tomorrow you report to the clinicGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin."

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As in a dream AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter took down the address, while Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin continued:

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"You look rather tired ...... Be careful ...... What you now have to go through is difficult, but what you've gone through in the past years has probably been even more difficult. The rest of us who are born as normal people are probably not able to imagine it ...... You must take comfort in the thought that you have been given spiritual wealth in return and a
[Page 39]
knowledge that far surpasses everyone else's ...... Just have a little patience, my friend ...... Au revoir et bon courage!"

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Without answering AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter pressed the kind man's hand and left.

Page 40

VII.

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That evening AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter visited NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 and IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 again. Neither of them wanted to ask him about the result of the day's important examinations. But as they sat at coffee after dinner he got up, turned the light in the ceiling off so that the light in the room became pleasantly subdued, let himself sink into one of the deep armchairs, and said without further introduction:

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"You asked me yesterday, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, if I was aware of the amazing development that I have undergone. I have spent the night thinking about the question ...... I had to use the time ..... because this night will be my last ......"

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"Oh nonsense, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter," IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 exclaimed, but NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 hushed her. And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter continued smiling:

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"Whatever comes, Mrs. IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938, this will be my last night ...... That is why I would like to – if you have the patience to listen to me – tell you about my life ...... No one knows if I'll still be me the day after tomorrow or if this will be the last time I sit here as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter ...... And who knows if LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 shares my memories or if she has forgotten them?"

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 had gotten up and walked back and forth. Now he stopped and said seriously:

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"I have thought about that too, and as I am a lawyer – even a very objective lawyer – I think it would be right that I take down in shorthand what you tell us ...... that is if you don't mind?"

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"No, on the contrary," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter answered smiling. "That is a good idea ...... one must of course think of posterity, too."

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 fetched paper and pencil and made himself comfortable. IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 lit a cigarette, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter began:

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"I will proceed chronologically and begin by telling you about my parents, both of whom you have known, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 ...... My fatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener's family originates from MallorcaMallorca (historical), a Spanish island from where they had immigrated to JutlandJutland (historical), the largest region of Denmark. There
[Page 41]
is Spanish blood in us and from that I have my dark eyes ...... He was far from a firm nature; on the contrary, he was delicate, very preoccupied with himself and his well-being. MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen) on the other hand had fresh and healthy nerves. She was blond and Nordic, but there was perhaps something hard in her nature. She was a capable person and a good mother. She died very suddenly, before fatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener, and he never got over her death. Their marriage had been full of storms but now that she was dead he worshipped her like a saint.

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"They had four children, three sons and a daughter. I was the youngest ...... And now I'll go on to talking about myself ...... I'm supposed to have been a charming and cheerful child, spoiled terribly by everyone, including my brothersBrothers (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s brothers, Holger (b. 1880) and Henrik and sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) . From my fatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener I never remember having heard a single harsh word. When I was too naughty and a small slap was necessary, my motherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen) had to see to it. The entire family agreed on pampering me – the youngest in the nest. MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen) loved to dress me up, I could not be pretty enough, and therefore I was never – at the risk of ruining my delicate finery – allowed to play with boys of the same age ...... When I was quite small I had long blond locks and snow white skin, accentuating my dark eyes. Therefore I was often taken for a girl by strangers ...... In kindergarten where as the only boy I was with eleven little girls, I was the best at needlework. When I was five I had "honourable mention" for my work at the kindergarten's annual celebration.

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"When I was eight years old my brothersBrothers (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s brothers, Holger (b. 1880) and Henrik often teased me about having a really girlie voice. I took it to heart and I made an effort to make my voice rough and deep ...... It was, now that I think about it afterwards, my first unconscious pretence ...... Otherwise my childhood was nothing but sunshine. I was always happy and contented ...... With my brothersBrothers (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s brothers, Holger (b. 1880) and Henrik I played with tin soldiers and with my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) with dolls ...... That I wanted to push my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954)'s doll's pram for her was nothing out of the ordinary ...... I think all boys who have sisters do that.

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"At the age of nine I was sent to the state school in the small town where we lived. Both my brothersBrothers (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s brothers, Holger (b. 1880) and Henrik also went to the same school. None of us were model pupils, but the headmaster was not fond of this kind of pupil anyway – they never amount to anything later in life, he said ...... French and Latin were the only subjects I cared
[Page 42]
for. Moreover I used the school's library very eagerly, which the headmaster considered very much to my advantage, not least because I was the second youngest in the class. In French we had an old teacher whose French pronunciation was very peculiar. He had once been to ParisParis (historical), capital of France which had been a great disappointment to him. It seemed that he and the Parisians had had difficulty in understanding each other. 'And you know that I do speak French!' he concluded his description of the trip.

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"My teacher in Latin was quite different. He was rather progressive and he did not limit himself to the strictly linguistic, but made an effort to initiate us into the spirit and art of antiquity. It was he who opened my eyes to the pure beauty of Greek sculpture ...... When I was in the bath with my friends I could not help noticing that I had a much more fine and supple build than the other boys. I myself thought I resembled Praxiteles'Praxiteles (395-330 BC), an Athenian sculptor figures of young men of which we had a few plaster casts in the studio ...... That makes me think of a little episode ....... At school were already then three girls, one of them in the same class as I. In a recess she put her hat on me for fun and laughing she shouted to the others: "Look at him! Doesn't he look like a real girl!" ...... Suddenly the headmaster stood in front of us, and before I really knew what had happened, he had given me a proper beating ...... I was quite beside myself and it was not until many years later that I understood my old headmaster's motive for this punishment ...... Yes, what do we humans know about each other?...

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"Otherwise I was in every way a real boy who never refused to fight, and because I was so much slighter that the others, I felt obliged to show greater daring ...... Only when I was out walking with my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) ...... and there was no one around ...... I still pushed her doll's pram.

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"In adolescence my interest in art grew. Already when I was ten -@Editor: PLC years old, I had begun to attend exhibitions and read books that dealt with art. My fatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener, who was a merchant, sought in vain to lead my interests in 'a more practical direction'. He first tried to educate me for trade, and then he put me into apprenticeship as a house painter, but this only strengthened my desire to become an artist. When I was an adolescent I had my first crush, and after this I continued with a string of crushes in the following years.

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"When fatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener finally realised the hopelessness of making something practical of me I was, at the age of nineteen, sent to CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark to go to the academy of fine artsArt Academy (fictional), modeled on The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, where Einar and Gerda Wegener studied and met. Here a couple of good friends immediately took it upon themselves to rid me of my provincial innocence, and under their 'protection' I was – a little brutally – initiated to the mysteries of the capital.

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"But then I got to know GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. It was love at first sight – in the most literal sense of the word ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had also just arrived at the academyArt Academy (fictional), modeled on The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, where Einar and Gerda Wegener studied and met, and like me she was from the province ...... We quickly became inseparable.

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"It was a friend who had introduced us to each other, but when he was told that we had become engaged, he was furious. He was jealous, not of me but of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator ..... Well, that is not an unusual phenomenon. How many friends have not had the same experience when a woman has come between them? ...... A year later GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I married ...... We were quite young, I barely twenty and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator a couple of years younger ...... We knew nothing about life and about people ...... we were indescribably happy.

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"I still remember one evening ...... it was in one of the first years of our marriage, and at the time we lived in an attic studio with a magnificent view over all of Copenhagen. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator read one of the beautiful legends of antiquity for me. It sounded something like this:

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"'HermesHermes (fictional), in Greek mythology, son of Zeus and messenger of the gods, the gods' favourite, had a son, and AphroditeAphrodites (fictional), in Greek mythology, the goddess of love and beauty proclaimed by Homer to be the daughter of Zeus the divinely beautiful, had a daughter. Each of them was a revelation of beauty ...... They had never seen each other, but one day the two divine children met in the forest, and the girl was at once seized with an intense love for the boy ...... But he fled from her ...... She ran after him but did not reach him; she called, he did not answer. Desperate she complained to ZeusZeus (fictional), in Greek mythology, the king of the gods: "I love him, and he shuns me ...... Oh, help me, let me be united with him!" ZeusZeus (fictional), in Greek mythology, the king of the gods heard her prayer, he raised his arm, and at that very moment HermesHermes (fictional), in Greek mythology, son of Zeus and messenger of the gods' shy son stood before the master of the gods. Beside herself with joy AphroditeAphrodites (fictional), in Greek mythology, the goddess of love and beauty proclaimed by Homer to be the daughter of Zeus's daughter embraced the trembling youth ...... Again ZeusZeus (fictional), in Greek mythology, the king of the gods raised his arm and the two became one being ...... When HermesHermes (fictional), in Greek mythology, son of Zeus and messenger of the gods and AphroditeAphrodites (fictional), in Greek mythology, the goddess of love and beauty proclaimed by Homer to be the daughter of Zeus looked for their missing children they found only one happily laughing divine child ...... "This is my son," HermesHermes (fictional), in Greek mythology, son of Zeus and messenger of the gods said. – "No, this is my daughter," AphroditeAphrodites (fictional), in Greek mythology, the goddess of love and beauty proclaimed by Homer to be the daughter of Zeus said ...... and they were both right ......'

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"'Look,' GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator said that night, 'that is how much I love you ...... I wish you and I could be united in the same way.'

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"At that time GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator painted a picture of one of Copenhagen's most idolised actressesAnna Larsen (fictional), modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, friend of the Wegeners. One day, when the actressAnna Larsen (fictional), modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, friend of the Wegeners was to sit, the rehearsal at the theatre took longer than expected and she called by telephone:

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"'Listen, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, couldn't you work on the lower part of the picture and make AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter sit for you? ...... His legs are just as good-looking as mine ......'

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"While GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator telephoned, I was standing with a cigar in my mouth, cleaning my easel, and when she asked if I would help her, I flatly refused ...... But she persuaded me to put on the actressAnna Larsen (fictional), modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, friend of the Wegeners' dress and high heeled shoes, and in jest she pulled a carnival wig out of a drawer, put it on me, put make up on me and led me to the mirror while she clapped her hands with delight:

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"'You look positively splendid,' she said, 'one would think that you had never worn other clothes.'

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"Now that I think back soberly, I recall that I immediately felt comfortable in this disguise ...... it seemed quite natural to me ...... I felt at home in these light women's clothes ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator sat down and began to paint, but after a while the doorbell rang ..... It was the actressAnna Larsen (fictional), modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, friend of the Wegeners, the rehearsal had finished quickly after all ...... At first she startled a little at seeing someone else in her dress; then she recognised me, uttered a cry of joy and rushed over and embraced me:

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"'AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter you are great! You're much prettier as a woman than as a man. I'm certain that you have been a woman in a previous existence...... unless Nature has committed a small mistake.'

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"She looked at me searchingly, and both GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I could tell that she felt more and more queer. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator signalled to me to go and change, but the actressAnna Larsen (fictional), modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, friend of the Wegeners would not hear of it.

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"'No, no!' she cried ...... 'I'd rather not see AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter today ...... I'd much rather keep this girl. But what should she be called? She must indeed have a name ...... shall we call her
[Page 45]
Lili?...... It sounds so sweet ...... From now on your name is LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, remember that! ...... But don't you think we should celebrate the christening?'

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator fetched wine and fruit and we celebrated to our heart's content.

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"That is how LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 came into existence and got her name ..... it began as a playful jest, a genuine artist's whim and through many years the game was continued – until it was in earnest.

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"Some weeks after LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's christening there was to be an artists' carnival, and it was decided that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 should be introduced in society on this occasion. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator composed a Pierrette costume for her and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was a smashing success. The gentlemen competed to dance with her, and one of them, an older officer, was so insistent in his advances that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 found it expedient to inform him that she was a man. But he would not believe this: 'No, little miss, an old soldier can't be fooled!' Another wanted to obtain a kiss by force and was so violent that she, as she had to break loose by force, tore up her lace.

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"It was the first time I learned how brutal men can be towards women – and it was not the last ......

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"I also gained another experience on this memorable evening. When I saw a lady in a really beautiful dress, I could not help but giving her a friendly smile, but usually I got an icy glance in return, scornfully measuring me from head to foot ...... I was upset and asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator if I had done something wrong. She stroked my cheek and answered:

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"'You are so stupid LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, you don't know yet how mean women can be to each other ...... If they are rude towards you, it is only a proof that you look great.'

– – – –

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"This party was followed by others, and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 identified more and more with her role ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator dressed her every time and in the artists' circles of CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 started to create a furor ...

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"Strange as it sounds, soon it was no longer I who disguised myself as LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ...... she had for me as for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator become an independent person ...... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and I were two different beings. When LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was not there, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I spoke about her, and when LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was there, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and she spoke about me as if were a third person ......

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"To GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had quickly become indispensable. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was by nature
[Page 46]
rather melancholy, and when she was in a dark spirit, she called LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, who with her carefree cheerfulness soon got the better of her sombre mood ...... No less significant was LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator as her model who, I can say that now, brought her luck, became her mascot ...... I do not know if it was a coincidence, but the pictures for which LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had posed were the most successful. And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's fame grew ...... One day she had an invitation to exhibit her LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931-paintings in ParisParis (historical), capital of France.

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"This was the direct reason why all three of us, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and I, settled in ParisParis (historical), capital of France.

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VIII.

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"Even before we moved to ParisParis (historical), capital of France we had made several travels abroad. Our demands were very modest, and as soon as we had sold enough to save up some money, we went south to study and get to know the world.

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"Only when we had no more money left, did we turn our faces towards home. On all these journeys, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had not been along. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I had so many new experiences that we did not have time to concern ourselves with her. Thus we lived for a whole year in ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome., only filled with the beauty of the South that to us children of the North is like the most wonderful fairy-tale. It was the happiest year that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I lived together ...... But as soon as we were back home in the studio, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 appeared again and we could not comprehend that we had been able to do without her.

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"But now LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was no longer a toy ...... I had changed; I had not noticed it myself, but I discovered it through its effect upon others. In FlorenceFlorence (historical), city in Italy a rich Dutchman -@Editor: PLC had pursued me, so that I almost had to challenge him, and in RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy an American millionaire insisted on taking me to EgyptEgypt (historical), a country in northeast Africa whose capital is Cairo. ...... It was LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 who made her influence felt in me.

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"...... But now we were in ParisParis (historical), capital of France. We settled down on the left bank of the SeineSeine (historical), river that runs through Paris in one of the many small hotels around École des Beaux-Arts. We had two cosy pink and gray-white wallpapered rooms with a view of an old garden. In one of them was a secretive bed recess with red flowered curtains. The factotum of the hotel, JeanJean (fictional), no known historical model, told us that Oscar Wilde had spent his last days in the two rooms and that he had died in the bed recess behind the red flowered curtains. While he was speaking, tears ran down his unshaven cheeks. We understood the reason for his sorrow as he informed us that the poet had often given him twenty francs to buy cigarettes for him and
[Page 48]
never asked for change. Evidently this information also contained a delicate hint to us ...... Here in Oscar Wilde's quiet rooms GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I often sat at the wide window facing the old garden in the evening and read his works until we knew them by heart.

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"In the neighbourhood of the hotel we found our regular rendezvous: Château neuf du Pape, a modest little restaurant where we could have a splendid dinner for 1 franc 30 – wine included. A multitude of artists came there, and we made our first Parisian friends.

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"Shortly after our arrival, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was engaged as an employee by a large illustrated magazine, and immediately she was all enthusiasm and eager to start. But how could she find a suitable model in a hurry? ...... 'Couldn't you help me?' she asked. At first I was a little surprised because the first time in ParisParis (historical), capital of France had been so tumultuous that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, just as in ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome., had receded into the background, but I did not have the heart to disappoint GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and answered:

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"'Yes, but LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's clothes stayed in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark and yours won't fit her.'

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"The next day we went out and shopped for LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 who was very proud of her first Parisian outfit ...... So LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 appeared in ParisParis (historical), capital of France.

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's pictures were a success and she was radiant with happiness. Her work was well paid and she could afford to keep other models. We rented a studio apartment and I got time to paint a good deal, partly in ParisParis (historical), capital of France and partly in VersaillesVersailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris.

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"When we had saved enough money, we fulfilled one of our greatest wishes and travelled to the sunny paradise of CapriCapri (histoical), island off Italy in the Gulf of Naples where we had the pleasure of meeting one of our good friends, an Italian painter, whom we had met in FlorenceFlorence (historical), city in Italy. Through him we came into an international artist clique that gathered every day in the bathing season on the little beach at Piccola MarinaPiccola Marina (historical), a marina in Capri ...... Here a Scottish artist arrived one day accompanied by a figure in boy's clothes who in a bathing suit revealed herself as a pretty young lady.

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"'I saw that at once,' declared a Venetian sculptor, FlavioFavio (fictional), no known historical model, who belonged to the clique, 'a woman can no more disguise herself as man, than a man can disguise himself as a woman – it will be discovered immediately.'

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I looked at each other and smiled ...... And the next afternoon
[Page 49]
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator showed up on the pier with a tall slim young lady no one had ever seen. They walked back and forth in front of Café Morgana, and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had to answer many inquiring and curious greetings. Signora FlavioSignora Favio (fictional), wife of Favio, no known historical model, the sculptor's wife, summoned her courage and went up to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator to ask how I was ...... she had not seen me all day.

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"'AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had to go to NaplesNaples (historical), city in Italy on business, he won't be back until tomorrow,' GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator explained and added, 'may I introduce: Mademoiselle Lili Courtaud ...... Signora Flavio!'

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"The Italian lady had achieved what she wanted and hastily invited GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and her companion for a party the same night.

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"The joke was a success beyond all expectations. Grete's French friend was given a friendly reception and was so highly admired that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had to stay a few days longer in NaplesNaples (historical), city in Italy. When he returned, the elegant Parisian had unfortunately left ...... neither FlavioFavio (fictional), no known historical model nor the others had discovered anything at all.

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"This experience brought about a change in LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's habits. She had more courage and now it often happened that she stayed all evening when she sat as a model for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. If some intimate friend came to visit she no longer fled to the other room, but stayed where she was and filled the studio with her endearing character and her sparkling humour ...... Everyone came to love her but treated LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and me very differently. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's female friends, who were rather ceremonial with me, hugged LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and addressed her familiarly -@Translator: MO and the reverse was the case with my friends ...... Month by month LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 grew more predominant and only reluctantly gave way.

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"At the autumn exhibition where both GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I exhibited we made the acquaintance of a French Sculptor, Jean TempeteJean Tempête (fictional), modeled on Léon Leyritz (1888-1976), French sculptor and friend of the Wegeners, who had a summer home in a small town at the Loire riverLoire River (historical), the longest river in France, Balgencie ... He had promised to organise a charity performance on the town's primitive stage and invited us to participate.

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"It was a merry party that in the morning got off the train in the little town that looked as if it was taken straight out of toy boxBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern France, quite a little RothenburgRothenburg (historical), a medieval town in Bavaria ...... 'the theatre' looked like a tobacco shop with an added dance hall, and as there was no scenery, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was appointed as scene painter and immediately got everything going. In a
[Page 50]
'uniquely spectacular frame of décor,' a revue for which TempeteJean Tempête (fictional), modeled on Léon Leyritz (1888-1976), French sculptor and friend of the Wegeners had written the words and music was to be performed by the other artists – painters, sketch artists and sculptors. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator worked extremely hard and late in the afternoon everything came together smoothly. The only thing missing was a young woman painter who could not arrive before the evening train. But she was not on it, and it caused a great commotion. TempeteJean Tempête (fictional), modeled on Léon Leyritz (1888-1976), French sculptor and friend of the Wegeners was beside himself, the part was not big, but it could not be cut out due to the 'thread' of the revue.

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"'Can't you take over?' he asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator in desperation.

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"'No,' she replied, 'I'm exhausted, I can't go on ...... but perhaps LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ......'

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"'Who is LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931?'

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"'It's a secret,' GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator answered, 'but I'll see to it that she comes, and she should easily handle it.'

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"She took TempeteJean Tempête (fictional), modeled on Léon Leyritz (1888-1976), French sculptor and friend of the Wegeners aside and let him in on the secret. In a small hotel room I was dressed, and there was no one in the crammed hall who was not convinced that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was a native Parisienne ...... The pharmacist in BalgencieBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern France was even so enthusiastic that he sent a box of violet soap to the hotel for the unknown beauty.

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"That evening LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 met her best friend, Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923. He had the comic leading part in the revue and his mere appearance provoked cascades of laughter ...... He was the only one of us all who had talent ...... Already that morning I had noticed his dry, quick wit. His face was very irregular, he was almost colourless, his eyes were awry, and his nose was pointed. At first he seemed ugly, but as soon as one had talked just for a moment with him, one could not help noticing his sharp intelligence and the warmth and kindness emanating from his whole being.

d1-trc08p025

"Of course he was acquainted with the secret of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's favourite model through his artist colleagues. But while AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had not interested him much in the morning, his conduct towards LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was completely different ...... After the performance there was a dance, and on the request of the others LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had kept on her costume. She danced incessantly and enjoyed herself tremendously. When she
[Page 51]
finally had a free dance, Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 stood in front of her, bowed and asked as he squeezed the monocle more firmly in his eye:

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"'When you have rested a bit, will you allow me to dance a few dances with you?'

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"He spoke in a solemn tone and a slight blush spread over his earnest face ...... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 looked at him a little surprised and nodded. They danced brilliantly together. They were of equal height and immediately in rhythmic harmony ...... They did not speak, but gave themselves completely to the dance.

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"The same evening it was decided that they should all spend the summer vacation in BalgencieBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern France. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 received a special invitation, and she promised that both she and her “brother AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter” would come. From that moment LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 called me her brother and I had to put up with it.

d1-trc08p029

"In August the Paris gang conquered the little townBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern France which received it half in admiration and half in consternation. The thermometer showed 35 degrees Celsius in the shade, and therefore we often turned night into day and bathed in the river at night. The society of BalgencieBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern France kept its distance, only the acting mayor, Monsieur RenéMonsieur René (fictional), possibly modeled on a deputy mayor of Beaugency, Henri René Goujon, as he was called by the whole town, a cheerful old bachelor, kindly looked after us. It was also he who in the town council suggested that a summer festival for the benefit of the town's poor should be organised with the assistance of the ParisParis (historical), capital of France gang. His proposal was approved, and the gang was immediately willing. TempeteJean Tempête (fictional), modeled on Léon Leyritz (1888-1976), French sculptor and friend of the Wegeners worked out a festival programme with the LoireLoire River (historical), the longest river in France as the centre of the festival. There was to be a procession of boats decorated with flowers. The first was to be CupidCupid (fictional), the god of love in classical mythology's boat and this GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was to organise. Monsieur RenéMonsieur René (fictional), possibly modeled on a deputy mayor of Beaugency, Henri René Goujon made his wine cellar and an old barge available to the festival, and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator really succeeded in transforming the barge into a splendid love gondola with a heart-shaped red sail swelling in the wind ...... The river is very beautiful at BalgencieBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern France, but there are whirlwinds that make sailing quite dangerous. Therefore CupidCupid (fictional), the god of love in classical mythology had to be able to swim for safety's sake, and as since childhood I had been a very good swimmer, I had to represent CupidCupid (fictional), the god of love in classical mythology – that is, it was LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 who took over the role of CupidCupid (fictional), the god of love in classical mythology ...... Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, who in the meantime had become our close friend and who could also swim, became CupidCupid (fictional), the god of love in classical mythology's gondolier.

d1-trc08p030

"That is how it came about that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, disguised as CupidCupid (fictional), the god of love in classical mythology and surrounded by applause, sailed through the old cityBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern France where Joan of ArcJoan of Arc (1412-1431), soldier in the Hundred Years’ War and a Roman Catholic saint; fought in the Battle of Beaugency in 1429 had made her entry several centuries ago, surrounded by steel-clad
[Page 52]
warriors. In the bright sunshine CupidCupid (fictional), the god of love in classical mythology fired his golden arrows at the many people who were lined up along the bank, and several of them recognised LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 from the charity performance.

d1-trc08p031

"When ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 with great difficulty had paved the way for LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 through the crowd back to the hotel, he looked at her earnestly and said:

d1-trc08p032

"'CupidCupid (fictional), the god of love in classical mythology, divine rogue, whatever you pretend to be ... you are a real woman!'

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"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 looked at him startled.

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"'What do you mean?'

d1-trc08p035

"But he turned away:

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"'Nothing ...... nothing at all ...... If I told LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 what I have felt and thought all day, her brother AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter would probably take it amiss.'

d1-trc08p037

"He left and when we met the next day, he did not speak to me ...... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had disappeared again ......

– – –

d1-trc08p038

"Through a number of years we spent our holiday in BalgencieBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern France, and here I gradually got used to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's and my double life. She participated in all the parties and excursions and I applied myself to painting, swam and emptied several bottles of wine along with the inhabitants of the town. I had made many friends and knew everyone in the little townBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern France, where they were quite proud at the thought that my pictures of the town's small houses and gardens were to hang in an exhibition in ParisParis (historical), capital of France ...... But none of the good citizens had any idea who the slim Parisienne was who often walked with ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator through the narrow streets early in the morning to spend a lovely day in the country and return only when all the lights were turned off and the town had gone to bed.

d1-trc08p039

"The friendship with ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 became even deeper during these holidays and was of course continued in ParisParis (historical), capital of France. ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 spent nearly every Sunday in the studio, and it was a tacit agreement that it was LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 who opened the door for him ..... If, on a rare occasion, it was me, he was evidently disappointed. He shook my hand in a friendly manner, looked at my new paintings, and we talked for a few moments about politics or something else, until he said: 'I haven't said hello to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator' ...... and went into the kitchen ...... But if LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was there, he did not leave her side. -@Editor: PLC

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d1-trc08p040

"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 who wanted to go out on the town was often a guest along with ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator at a fashionable artist club where there was usually dancing. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 made an effort not to make new acquaintances, she only cared to dance with ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923. But one evening, a lady who belonged to our intimate circle and who knew both LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and me – though without suspecting anything about our double life – came over to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 with a gentleman, a no longer quite young officer ...... 'This is my cousin who would very much like to make your acquaintance,' she said and introduced: 'Count de la Trempe and Baroness Lili de Courtaud!' ...... I could not avoid dancing with him while ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 mockingly watched, and when the dance was over, he asked for permission to pay a visit to the baroness.

d1-trc08p041

"He came the very next day and was received by GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator who regretted that her 'sister in law' was not at home.

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"'Oh, said the count, 'your husband is the baroness' brother ...... I should be glad to make his acquaintance.'

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator left it at this explanation and after the count had looked with interest at the paintings for which LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had posed he said goodbye.

d1-trc08p044

"The next day we had a couple of friends for tea and I had just told them about the count's visit when the doorbell suddenly rang. It was him again.

d1-trc08p045

"'The day before yesterday I had the pleasure of dancing with your sister,' he told me, 'and I couldn't deny myself the pleasure of seeing her again as I was just passing.'

d1-trc08p046

"It was difficult for me to keep a straight face as I explained that my sister had left for the country early in the morning and that she would probably not return before late in the evening, but that she would no doubt very much regret that she had not been at home.

d1-trc08p047

"'I'm the one who regrets,' the count said, and looked inquisitively at me through his monocle. I had the feeling that my heart was an anvil and he was beating it with a hammer. Finally he let the monocle fall and said:

d1-trc08p048

"'It is strange, I can't find the slightest resemblance, one wouldn't believe that you and the baronessLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 were brother and sister.'

d1-trc08p049

"I breathed a sigh of relief.

Page 54
d1-trc08p050

"'My cousin has told me that the baroness is completely free,' he continued, 'dare I ask, if that is true?'

d1-trc08p051

"I was unable to answer and therefore restricted myself to nodding, whereupon he got up and with a very correct bow declared:

d1-trc08p052

"'Then it is my honour to ask for the baroness' hand in marriage!'

d1-trc08p053

"I nearly fell off my chair, and it was with the greatest difficulty that I promised him to convey his honourable offer to my sister.

d1-trc08p054

"With many compliments he retired – and a Homeric laughter rang through the studio.

d1-trc08p055

"But I was really very upset. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's experiences began to get on my nerves, and in the evening I asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator what on earth we should do.

d1-trc08p056

"'I've already thought about that,' she answered, 'for family reasons "your sister" will suddenly be called home to CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark and from there she'll send a nice letter – that can easily be arranged through one of our friends at home – to the count in which she thanks him and regrets that she is not in a position to become his wife, that he must give up all hope, and that she won't return to ParisParis (historical), capital of France for some time to come.'

d1-trc08p057

"So it was, and the count never knew to whom he had really proposed.

Page 55

IX.

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"And so LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and I continued our double life ...... we had many happy hours and neither the initiated nor I myself considered it to be anything other than a pleasant distraction, an artist's whim – neither more nor less. No more did we worry about the ever more prominent difference between me and the mysterious girl, nor did we notice that my figure had slowly started to change.

d1-trc09p002

"One evening I said to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator:

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"'I really can't imagine life without LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ...... but the day that she ceases to be young and beautiful there is no longer any reason for her existence.'

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator looked at me in surprise:

d1-trc09p005

"'It's strange ...... what you say is something that I, too, have often had to think about lately,' she said and explained as she searched for the words, that it was no longer I who modelled for her as LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, but that it was more and more LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 herself whom she drew and painted ...... and that during the last months she had felt remorse, because she originally was the one who had drawn LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 out and in doing so became guilty of the discord which more and more clearly showed in my nature on the days when LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was not present.

d1-trc09p006

"I listened intently to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and it was as if she held up a mirror to me as she continued:

d1-trc09p007

"'I have the impression that we are faced with something stronger than ourselves that will get out of hand ...... as if LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 will take revenge because we have played with her ......'

d1-trc09p008

"'You are right,' I said, 'and the most terrible of all is the feeling that it is LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, precisely LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, who binds the two of us to each other ...... it is because of her that we have stayed together through all these years ...... I don't think I could live without her.'

d1-trc09p009

GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator interrupted me, she had often felt the same ...... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was
[Page 56]
the embodiment of our shared youth and happiness and she, too, could not imagine being without her.

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"'We can't give her up,' she declared with tears in her eyes '...... if she were suddenly no longer here ...... it would be as if we had committed a murder.'

d1-trc09p011

"'Yes,' I answered, 'more so as she has much more vitality in her than I.'

d1-trc09p012

"Perhaps these words were dictated by a momentary despondency. My health had so far been very robust, and I had been able to stand any physical exertion ...... but lately I had often felt unwell which manifested itself as an insurmountable exhaustion more than anything else. In addition to this, I had not really been able to endure the last winters in ParisParis (historical), capital of France which had been particularly cold and rainy. I constantly had colds and slight coughs ... But you cannot expect to stay young, I said to myself ...... and then I thought of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ...... She shared my body with me – to her youth was much more important than to me ...... I had previously had a happy disposition but now that was over. I became more and more depressed ...... for days, weeks, months I felt completely powerless ...... And I, who had always been a hard worker, lost all my energy. I no longer understood myself ...... Now and then, however, there were brighter periods – especially when we were in BalgencieBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern France – but it did not last long ...... I became more and more tired – it was an intolerable condition.

d1-trc09p013

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator started to worry and made me go to a doctor who gave me a nerve tonic, but it did not help. I went to another doctor – same result.

d1-trc09p014

"Only when LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 came, everything was all right, then life was wonderful again and all dejection was gone ...... therefore she came as often as possible ...... By now she had made her own acquaintances, and her own experiences and habits that had nothing at all to do with me ...... As time went on, she stayed for several days in a row, then she and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator sat together and sewed or embroidered and had a pleasant time ...... there were also days when she shut herself up in her own room and could sit and dream for hours all alone with her needlework ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques watched this
[Page 57]
mysterious creature who was building her own world shaking their heads in wonder ...... but they left her alone, and she was happy.

d1-trc09p015

"An accidental episode was to be the introduction to the last part of these continuous, relentless inner struggles between LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and me ......

d1-trc09p016

"About two years ago one of my old friends from CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, the Royal Theatre's greatest actorIven Persen (fictional), modeled on Johannes Poulsen (1881–1938), Danish actor and director, married to Ulla Poulsen, came to ParisParis (historical), capital of France to give a guest performance ...... He brought his wife, the beautiful dancerEbba Persen (fictional), modeled on Ulla Britta Poulsen Skou (née Iversen) (1905–2001), a Danish ballet dancer whom Gerda painted in Paris in 1927, and for that reason there was also a ballet on the programme ....... But the ballet corps was not large, a dancer was lacking, and as my friend knew that I danced quite well, he asked me if would like to take part, which I agreed to.

d1-trc09p017

"At the ballet rehearsals that were very lengthy, I probably overstrained myself, for I had an attack of nosebleed of such an unusual character that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was frightened and wanted me to give up the part. But I did not want to embarrass my good friend, and I persevered, despite new bleeding accompanied by nervous sobbing, – something that had so far been completely foreign to me. After each of these attacks, I felt relieved, as if something in me had been released.

d1-trc09p018

"At the same time a curious change had happened in my character ...... I had always been quite independent, inclined to get on my high horse and never let anybody tell me anything, but already at the first rehearsal, I had the feeling that I was no longer myself. I had been seized by a strange impulse to subordinate myself, to yield to a stronger will ...... I had always regarded the actorIven Persen (fictional), modeled on Johannes Poulsen (1881–1938), Danish actor and director, married to Ulla Poulsen as a good friend with whom I was equal, but now I no longer dared to contradict him, I gave in quite slavishly ...... and more than that, when he asked me to do something over and grabbed me to show how I should do it, I was embarrassed and miserable and blushed like a schoolboy ...... When I think back on this strange psychological development now, I can safely say that it was not in the least erotic in nature ...... what had happened I cannot explain, it just was so...... but it was not me who reacted in this way. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator teased me with a smile about my new, humble nature, but behind her smile she hid an infinite astonishment.

Page 58
d1-trc09p019

"When at one of the last rehearsals, I showed myself in my costume for the first time, a tight leotard, a short bolero and a curly wig, my friend stared at me and exclaimed with his strong boyish laugh:

d1-trc09p020

"'No upon my word, that won't do, now we have too many ladies!'

d1-trc09p021

"At first I did not understand what he meant, but when I saw that everyone's eyes were directed at me, my face turned scarlet and I rushed out to the dresser and demanded to be given something else to wear ...... I realised that I looked like a disguised woman.

– – –

d1-trc09p022

"In the time that followed my nervousness increased further. At almost regular intervals I got the mysterious bleeding that led to a severe depression and was accompanied by intense pain ... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator made me see a doctor again ...... but although I began to have an idea about the connection between my double existence and my physical sufferings, I told him nothing about LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and, of course, he could not help me.

d1-trc09p023

"I therefore started – like all other sick people who do not know what is wrong with them – to study all sorts of books on sexology, but I soon realised that nothing about ordinary men and women could apply to my condition ...... Gradually I arrived at the conviction that I was both man and woman, and that it was the woman who was about to take over my body ...... only this theory could explain the physical and mental disturbances that caused me more and more agony.

d1-trc09p024

"Secretly I went to a specialist and explained to him what I thought about myself, but he only shook his head and regarded me as mad ......

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"My condition became worse and worse and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator who was seriously concerned about me suggested that we should leave ParisParis (historical), capital of France where it was bleak and cold and go to ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome..

d1-trc09p026

"It was the end of March and on the other side of the AlpsAlps (historical), a mountain range in Europe we met the blossoming spring ...... Without stopping we travelled straight to RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy where we had arranged to meet one of our friends, an Italian officerRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband, whom we had met in FlorenceFlorence (historical), city in Italy on our first trip to ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome. and with whom we had since corresponded. He was now home on leave after a long service in the colonies. He
[Page 59]
received us at the station and drove with us to the hotel where he waited while we changed to take us out to dinner. I was terribly worn out from the long railway journey and had indescribable pains, but I did not want to spoil the evening for the others and so I went.

d1-trc09p027

"We sat at Facciano's; the cool evening air flowed in through the open door from the beautiful Piazza Colonna ...... I shall never forget that evening ..... The band played the latest tunes of the day, and right across from me sat GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator ...... she looked as though she was only twenty-five. The weariness had disappeared as if by a stroke, her eyes sparkled and around her lips lay a dreamy smile. And next to her sat our friend, Ridolfo FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband, and looked equally splendid ....... When we met him the first time he was a young, lively lieutenant, we thought that it would only be a fleeting acquaintance, and when we parted we thought it was for good ...... But then his letters came from the distant colonies – usually it was GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator he wrote to.

d1-trc09p028

"I felt a pang in my heart and was seized by a deep sadness. I had to think of that time and of the years that had passed. And I thought of myself ...... what had I become?

d1-trc09p029

"I pulled myself together and threw myself eagerly into their conversation. A thousand questions were asked and answered ...... Do you remember So and So? ... What has become of him? ... And Mrs. X? ... What has become of her? ...... Do you remember the afternoon in the casino and the same evening in the cinema at Piazza Vittorio Emmanuele? ...... All the old names, the familiar places and atmospheres appeared to us ...... I saw it all before me ...... and here I sat with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and Ridolfo FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband and laughed just as they did ...... but most often their laughter sounded alone and they looked as they did then, years ago, when they were quite young ...... I made an effort to join the laughter, but it was only an external, forced grimace ...... my previous joy in life was lost. I had changed ...... I had become another ...... a person without the courage to live.

d1-trc09p030

"There in RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy – it is just now a year ago – in this glorious city between the rusty red walls and trickling fountains, it was completely clear to me for the first time, that I had not only changed but that I was facing the end of my existence ...... The mild and at the same time cruel Roman spring was like a sort of
[Page 60]
overture to the last act of my life ...... I knew now that my fate was sealed.

d1-trc09p031

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I had rented a studio with a wide flower-filled terrace just off Piazza di Spagna. This sunny home in the immediate vicinity of RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy's most beautiful square I will never forget ...... Every day I was sick, every single day ...... and outside our studio window the roses and the many orange trees blossomed.

d1-trc09p032

"Now and then LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 appeared ...... but she too had lost her carefree nature. She cried ...... every time she cried. She understood how wonderful life can be. She felt as if she were going to die.

d1-trc09p033

"Sometimes GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, who was usually so strong, also cried. She tried to paint but she could not quite get started. When at night I lay beside her, I felt that her eyes, too, were wide open ...... The evenings they usually spent with FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband. His manner had also changed by now. Though he strove to be cheerful he became more and more prey to a morbid melancholy ...... Once he was not able to control himself ...... he said that his life was a failure and that he quite understood people who came to the realisation that a monastery was their last resort ...... I could feel that he meant what he said.

d1-trc09p034

"And then I had to think about GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator! ...... Was not her life a failure too? ...... Had she not sacrificed herself in order that I should not be alone because she felt that I had become a sick person, and because she knew that she was the only one who understood me? I knew her loyalty and her affection for me, I knew that no earthly power could induce her to leave me – now less than ever. But she was still young ...... she still had time to make up for all that she had given up for my sake ...... To me, on the other hand, life no longer had any attraction ..... I know that it sounds trite – to others. But to me it was the bitter truth ..... Why then should I continue to drag myself through life? No doctor would understand what was wrong with me, no one could help me ...... Live on, sick and old before my time? ...... That was a terrible thought to me ...... Quite objectively I settled my score – calmly and rationally – and I came to the result that I had better die.
[Page 61]
Then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator would be free and life could still grant her many rich years.

d1-trc09p035

"That evening in RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy I made my decision and it remained firm ...... only one thing could induce me to change it ...... I gave myself a year but if I was not able to find a doctor before then who could help me save LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 by separating her from me – I know that it must be hard for others to understand it, but what words should I use? – yes, if I did not find such help I would quietly take leave of life, even if the being who shared my body also had to share my fate ...... I had even set the date of this "execution" that had to take place as discreetly as possible to spare GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator as much as it was in our ...... in LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's and my power.

d1-trc09p036

"To spare GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator ...... yes, that was the hardest of all ...... I knew only too well how she would take such an ending to my life ...... but in spite of all misgivings, in spite of the consideration for my faithful little friend, I realised that there was no other way ...... it would still be a liberation for both of us.

d1-trc09p037

"When I had made my decision I felt a kind of relief. Now at least I knew that there would be an end to my troubles in the relatively near future ...... My condition worsened day by day and the moment came when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator realised that I could no longer stay in RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy, but that I had to go back to ParisParis (historical), capital of France to receive treatment from a good doctor. And in very low spirits we left RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy – and Ridolfo FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband – on a sunny spring morning, long before we had planned.

d1-trc09p038

"When we found ourselves in the familiar surroundings in ParisParis (historical), capital of France again, I got a little better. Once again I saw a few specialists but still with the same negative result ...... a radiologist gave me an X-ray treatment that nearly cost me my life. I saw no reason to postpone the date of my death, it was to be the first of May.

d1-trc09p039

"It was a very hot summer in ParisParis (historical), capital of France and for that reason we went out to VersaillesVersailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris where we stayed very close to the park of the palacegrounds of Versailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris. Our external life passed as before ...... Neither GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator nor I was inclined to make a fuss about our joys and sorrows ...... Work is the best doctor, I told myself, and as soon as my condition would permit, I went out into the park with
[Page 62]
my painter's box and my easel as in previous years ...... As often as she wanted to, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 came and tried to amuse herself and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator.

d1-trc09p040

"The only person who had a fairly correct understanding of my condition was Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923. He was a great comfort to both of us. Instinctively he felt what was hidden behind GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's, mine, and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's calm exterior, and without many words he knew how to help us. When he came out to us on Sundays, he brought along the old happy mood. What would we have done without ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 during this period?

d1-trc09p041

"Both he and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had realized long ago that the only thing that sustained me now was LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and therefore we both -@Editor: PLC encouraged her to come as often as possible. ...... ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 often went for long walks with her in the park, and they made plans for the future ...... One evening, when the rays of the setting sun set all the windows and the mirror-like surfaces of the fountains on fire, they walked together arm in arm down the terraces ...... Suddenly they heard a lady who passed exclaim: 'Look, there go two happy people!'

d1-trc09p042

"That evening Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 could not regain his happy laugh.

– – –

d1-trc09p043

"Most of our friends and acquaintances understood better than the doctors how ill I was. They of course had to limit their compassion to some sympathetic words, but they still gave me moral support, because I felt that they regarded me as a human being who carried a heavy burden and whose sufferings were a martyrdom and not – as the doctors would have it – imagination and hysteria.

d1-trc09p044

"One day I met in the park an older French painter, whom I knew quite well but had not seen for quite some time. He sympathetically asked about my health, and when I answered evasively, he said to my surprise:

d1-trc09p045

"'I have for some time, without your noticing, observed you, when you sat and painted, and I haven't been able to avoid seeing the great change that has happened to you ...... previously you were well and healthy, now on the other hand – well, you must forgive me for speaking bluntly, now you look like a girl in disguise ...... You are ill, you are even very ill ...... something has happened to you, something that sounds quite fantastic, but it has been seen before that what seems impossible today can be a fact tomorrow ...... Instances of the opposite kind are, of course, also known ...... the doctors are certainly well informed about those ...... Why shouldn't they
[Page 63]
be able to help you too? ...... I understand that it is not easy for a poor painter to pay the huge fee that real skill demands ...... but let us hope you may find a doctor who will render you his assistance for humanitarian and scientific reasons alone.'

d1-trc09p046

"Such a comment was to me like an oasis in the desert and gave me courage and strength to continue my hopeless search for the person who was able to save me.

d1-trc09p047

"During this last summer in VersaillesVersailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris I often noticed that people on the street and in the park – yes, even in the stores where I used to shop – looked astonished and curious at me ...... One morning when I used a corridor through Hôtel des Réservoirs to get to the park more quickly, a couple of young waiters stood there, and when I had passed them, I heard one of them say in the purest Copenhagen dialect – before the war there were always foreign waiters at the hotel, also Danish, because of the many tourists –: 'That was a damned pretty girl, the one in the painters pants!' ...... Of course, I ignored it and hurried on.

d1-trc09p048

"A few days later the woman porter said to me:

d1-trc09p049

"'Please don't be angry, sir, but at the grocery store where you shop they won't believe that you, Sir, are a sir.'

d1-trc09p050

"She stared at me with a couple of wide open and terrified eyes when I laughingly replied:

d1-trc09p051

"'You don't have to be so shocked about that – I am inclined to agree with them.'

d1-trc09p052

"These and other experiences made me feel that the situation was getting precarious ...... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 could show herself on the street without anybody taking notice, excluding some Don Juan, who would get the idea of following her, while I, although I was perfectly correctly dressed and walked with long, firm masculine steps, could not avoid attracting attention and being taken for a disguised woman ...... it was quite intolerable.

d1-trc09p053

"I consoled myself that VersaillesVersailles (historical), a royal palace outside Paris is a small town whose inhabitants show a strong interest in everyone else, but when we returned to ParisParis (historical), capital of France in the autumn the case was the same ...... only the Parisians behaved more discretely. In the Metro, on the buses
[Page 64]
and in the tram I caught glances that told me that in ParisParis (historical), capital of France, too, people thought I was not the person that I pretended to be ...... it made a strong impression on me. My nerves were so weakened by my constant sufferings that I could not endure the curious and mocking glances that seemed to follow me.

d1-trc09p054

"I turned to a heart specialist who had previously been kind to me. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had seen him a few days earlier to try to explain my and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's double life to him, and he had promised her to call one of his colleagues who was a specialist in surgery. But he did not conceal the fact that he considered it an obsession without any physical explanation ...... 'I have examined your husband several times,' he said, 'and I can assure you that he is perfectly normal' ...... Before we went to the doctor together, I solemnly promised myself and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator that this would be my last attempt ......Not many words had passed between me and the two doctors before I got the impression that they had made a common plan for how to rid me of my 'hysterical whim' ...... They subjected me to a rather superficial examination and subsequently let me understand – in a tone the irony of which they made no effort to hide – that they considered me to be a hysteric and a malingerer. One of them with whom I had not previously had anything to do even allowed himself to suggest that I was probably in reality – a homosexual, a suggestion that made me quite beside myself. Had GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator not saved the situation with a cheerful laugh, nature would have surpassed my discipline and I would have rushed at him and grabbed him by the throat.

d1-trc09p055

"After this hopeless and to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and me equally depressing consultation I soon felt that it had taken my last strength ...... I promised myself that no power on earth would make me see a doctor again ...... I no longer wished to be the laughing stock of the gentlemen physicians ...... my, and by implication also LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's, death sentence had been passed and what was important now was to live on as quietly and patiently as possible until the time-limit I had given myself had expired.

d1-trc09p056

"Daily life in the studio passed as usual. When our friends and acquaintances came to visit, I was apparently in very good spirits and I made a special effort to maintain my equi-
[Page 65]
librium towards GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator because I was afraid that she would see through me ...... she, too, was in a difficult situation, she had become restless and often, when she thought I did not notice, she watched me so searchingly that I was afraid that she had a suspicion about my plans.

d1-trc09p057

"During these last weeks I felt only one desire: Music. I no longer went to concerts, I had become afraid of moving among strangers, but without caring about the price I bought all the records I could get hold of, both classical and contemporary music. Late in the evening and many times all night too I played the gramophone. I could not have enough music ...... I craved music as a thirsty person in the desert craves water, music was my only consolation, my only refuge whether it made me melt into tears or it was a tune of the day that I played over and over again until GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, unable to stand it any longer, suggested that we should dance to it ...... I literally lived on music ...... it was not out of sentimentality ...... I was rather imbued with a kind of cold calm, but I felt infinitely lost, at the mercy of a destiny that surpassed my ordinary, human intellect, and the sounds liberated me from my eternal brooding ...... When I listened to music, I did not have to think ......

d1-trc09p058

"Previously I had found distraction through books, I had gradually accumulated a whole library in the studio ...... Now I never opened a book. What pleasure would I have from reading about the destiny of other people, I knew that I would never in any book find anything about people who were like me ...... no poet had yet written about such a being, because it had never occurred to any poet that it could exist. And what could the philosophers of antiquity and the present give me when their whole thinking only dealt with men and women whose mind and soul had their own body ...... PlatoPlato (b. 429 BC), an Athenian philosopher knew that there were people whose emotional life is on the boundary between men's and women's ...... but in my ailing body two sharply divided beings lived who were foreign and almost hostile to each other, although they also had compassion with each other, because each of them knew that this body only had room for one. One of these beings had to be destroyed, or they both had to die ...... During these nights I was beyond the limit of mad-
[Page 66]
ness ...... I imagined that this body that tormented me so cruelly no longer belonged to me alone but that my share in it grew smaller day by day because it contained another being who demanded her life with my life as payment. I felt like an impostor, a usurper, controlling a body that already no longer belonged to him ...... I felt like someone who only owned the façade of his house ...... it was madness to follow these feelings to their logical end, because there was no end to them except one: that I had to go ...... That is why I could not live anymore.

– – –

d1-trc09p059

"Now and then LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 still came, however, and both GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I were happy at her coming. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was happier than I, we both knew that, and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 knew that she was able to comfort GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator ...... At GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's request they often stayed together for several days ...... it was also easier for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator to get through the nights when she had LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 by her side. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 fell asleep more easily, and when she slept, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator could also sleep ...... But often LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 cried without GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator discovering it. She had always had her own dream world, beautiful bright dreams – but now they were gone. Only for a few nights they had returned, and each dream had been a continuation of the previous. It was winter, and she dreamt of a spring filled with sun ...... she told GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator about her dreams, but she knew it was only a dream and she was afraid. But the next night she had an even more beautiful dream that put her fear to flight. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had quietly recorded many of her dreams in her diary and she once told me about them in a way as if it were a great secret.

d1-trc09p060

"'Don't attach too much importance to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's reverie, it's only fiction and imagination,' I replied and turned away ......

d1-trc09p061

"But these dream novels were GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's constant topic of conversation, and the only thing that gave them new courage and kept their hopes up, their ardent hope that a miracle would happen.

d1-trc09p062

"Then it was February ...... Our best friends, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini, had returned to ParisParis (historical), capital of France. It was ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques who took me to see the German professorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist who is responsible for my being here now ...... Today it is the third of March ...... in just under two months we have the first of May ...... and then Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter will no longer exist ...... Whether LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 survives this day and will be able to continue her own life – that is in the hand of Professor Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist."

Page 67

X.

d1-trc10p001

When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter came back to his hotel, it was almost morning. An icy cold March morning.

d1-trc10p002

He stood for a long time at the window of his hotel room and looked out across the deserted square in front of the railway station. A couple of taxi cabs were parked there and a few delayed night wanderers glided like shadows through the light falling out across the square from the glass walls of the elongated railway station hall – a tired and faded light ...... Only the morning air was fresh and awake.

d1-trc10p003

Shivering with cold he closed the window.

d1-trc10p004

He was very tired ..... but it was a pleasant tiredness, as when after a long and exhausting walk one throws down a heavy burden that has bent one's back. The walk was over. The burden no longer weighed him down. He had this night thrown it down, as he confessed to his friends and told them about his and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's – to himself so incomprehensible – double life.

d1-trc10p005

He slowly undressed and stood naked in front of the mirror. He thought of the words he had said himself: "I am as one who owns only the façade of his own house" ...... The mirror showed him this façade ...... a flawless male body.

d1-trc10p006

But what was hidden behind the façade?

d1-trc10p007

No, he would not ask any more.

d1-trc10p008

Now he would only sleep ...... a good, deep sleep.

d1-trc10p009

Behind him lay the road he had travelled. Now he was at the goal ...... and on the other side there was no longer any path for him. He was at the end of his road ...... if there were a new road, it was not his but LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's.

d1-trc10p010

He was prepared.

d1-trc10p011

This knowledge of his own fate gave him certainty, peace and equilibrium. -@Editor: PLC

d1-trc10p012

It was late in the morning when he woke up. He was in a light, almost ethereal mood. He took a bath, ate
[Page 68]
lunch, and in a light and carefree manner went out on his last visits to the doctors that appeared to him as a series of pleasant experiences.

d1-trc10p013

"I am like a traveller who has left his luggage behind," he thought, "like someone who has taken a holiday from himself." -@Editor: PLC

d1-trc10p014

But in the middle of LeipzigerstrasseLeipziger Strasse (historical), a major boulevard in Berlin he heard the loud whisper of a child's voice: "Look mummy, there is a lady in men's clothes!"

d1-trc10p015

He turned around and looked into two frightened blue eyes of a child. It was a little girl about ten years old with a thick yellowish-white pigtail. She turned scarlet and embarrassed hid behind her mother who also stared at him in astonishment and hastily pulled the child with her.

d1-trc10p016

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter too had turned scarlet. Now he no longer smiled. A peculiar hard defiance shot up in him ...... as if the man in him were offended. Without thinking about it and without wanting to, he placed himself in front of a shop and curiously studied his own reflection in the shiny pane ...... Then he turned away annoyed:

d1-trc10p017

"That is no concern of mine." -@Editor: PLC

d1-trc10p018

He stubbornly repeated this phrase several times ...... then he looked at his watch, it was just around the time when he was to report at Dr. Gebhard's clinicGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin -@Editor: PLC. He stopped a taxi and exactly on time he was at the clinicGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin.

d1-trc10p019

He was received by a nurse and at once he was taken to see the senior physicianProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 -@Translator: MO, a young, blond, almost athletically built man who kindly observed him with a pair of clever, cheerful, light blue eyes in which he glimpsed a certain curiosity.

d1-trc10p020

"I've had a long telephone conversation with my friend, Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist," he said, "and therefore I'm fully aware of your case. I've also had a conversation with Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin who has examined you here in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. He will be present at the operation I will perform on you ...... but that does not prevent me from wanting to speak with you a little myself ...... It is always best to form a personal impression."

d1-trc10p021

The senior physicianProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 apparently wished to give this conversation a physical basis for he asked AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter to undress. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter obeyed and lay down on one of those examination benches which by now he had gotten to know thoroughly in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany.

d1-trc10p022

"Yes," the doctorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 established, after a long and careful ex-
[Page 69]
amination, "you are in every respect what you pass for in civil life: a normally built man ...... but yet you have certain unconditionally female forms ...... this combination surprises me ......"

d1-trc10p023

While AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter dressed again, the senior physicianProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 walked back and forth deep in thought as he observed him continually. Only now and then he stopped to glance at his file, then he said:

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"I know that you are in a hurry ...... but it can't be today ...... shall we say that you come here tomorrow afternoon around four o'clock? Then you can spend the morning going up to Professor HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional), modeled on Magnus Hirschfeld (1868–1935), a German physician and one of the most influential sexologists of the time; Einar Wegener was examined at his Institute in March 1930 and have the photographs taken that Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist would like to have before the operation ...... Let me see, today is Tuesday, then we'll schedule the operation for tomorrow Wednesday evening."

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"Yes, thank you, doctor," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter answered in an almost enthusiastic tone, and after having exchanged a firm handshake with the doctor, he left the clinicGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin and was again out in the open air.

– – –

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"Then I have been given a short respite," he said to himself and looked at his watch. It was late in the afternoon and he took a cab and drove back to the hotel ...... He felt that he could not strain his body and his nerves any further ...... The previous long night when he had confessed to his friends and the noise from the strange city had been hard on him.

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"I myself won't play anymore," he said "...... I have made my bid ...... for LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ...... therefore I must save my strength ......"

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This was his last thought before he – it was not yet eight o'clock – made himself comfortable in the wide hotel bed and fell into a dreamless sleep.

– – –

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Wednesday morning AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter left the hotel early. It was a fresh and clear March day. He walked down FriedrichsstrasseFriedrichsstrasse (historical), a street in Berlin, turned into Unter den LindenUnter den Linden (historical), a street in Berlin and stopped at PariserplatzPariser Platz (historical), central square in Berlin near the Brandenburg Gate in front of the simple and powerful architecture of Brandenburger GateBrandenburg Gate (historical), an 18th-century monument, among the best-known landmarks in Berlin . A glaring, light March sun gilded this most beautiful, almost classically pure street view of the German capital making AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter think of the wonderful squares of ParisParis (historical), capital of France ...... German architecture too was able to
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produce something perfect, he thought, here a lot was to be learned. The painter had awakened in him ...... he strolled into TiergartenTiergarten (historical), Berlin’s largest park, a popular meeting-place for homosexual men at the time ...... The sun shone on the emerging leaves and the old foliage from the year before shone like precious bronze. He turned into a narrow path leading him to a tiny lake where some cheerfully quacking ducks swam about and the interlacing branches of the tall trees were reflected in the smooth and almost completely still water.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter stopped. This small piece of nature in the middle of the noisy metropolis surprised him. He embraced the image ...... He had to think of other mornings that he had spent in ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome., in FranceFrance is a western European country whose capital is Paris., and in DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen., where as a happy person he had listened to nature through his eyes ...... With his painter's box, easel and canvas he had walked along far away from the city and the people and had been happy about his fate, happy to be a painter and possess the ability to completely give himself up to the moment ...... The important thing was not to miss a single one of these precious moments releasing his innermost urge. Most often he painted as in a fever, he could barely wait until he had fixed to the canvas the image he absorbed through his eyes, which had been blown clean and clear by the wind during his walking, which were stronger and brighter than other people's dull eyes, and which saw ...... saw! -@Editor: PLC He had always loved that word. And he loved it even at this moment ...... In moments like this he had identified with the incomprehensible, the restless, this play between light and shadow, between colours and shapes, in the diversity of shades and in the winding curves of the lines ...... He had always appeared to himself as a fowler secretly lying in wait and using all bait until he has reached his goal.

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In this way he had created his pictures, built them up on the dead canvas with dead colours until what his eyes had learned by listening suddenly began to come alive under his brush ...... It is only an echo, he said to himself, a dull echo my pictures are ...... but yet they are an echo ...... And he felt happy, devout and humble like an initiate. These hours had been the only true and real happiness of his life. The joy he felt had belonged to him, him alone, he had not shared it with any other being, he owned it, it was his, and he had neither robbed nor stolen it from anyone else ...... It had been
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his wealth, his property. Could he transfer this wealth to someone else? ...... Like an anxiety he felt this question in him, never before had it appeared in his soul ...... Can one pass on one's joy to someone else? ...... It had been his joy to paint, but to him, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, this joy was irrevocably over ...... And LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931? If she survived him, would she then feel the same urge to paint? Could he as a poor compensation for the life he had stolen from her, for the many years of life, leave her this happiness, this creative zest? ...... If he could, the feeling of guilt that so often weighed him to the ground would become lighter.

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He had to think of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ...... She had quite different qualities than he did, in all areas she was different from him ...... With a smile he thought of how she had always loathed touching paint because she was afraid of soiling her fingers, while he often without hesitation had used his fingers as a brush ...... He burst into a loud laugh ...... here he was thinking of the inheritance that he would leave ...... but was there anything to leave at all? ...... Well, he did have a small proof, however, that he had accomplished something, the French government had bestowed an order -@Editor: PLC on him ...... this he could not share with anyone ...... oh, vanity!

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Should he turn back? He stood on a small, neat, slightly arched bridge from where he could see into a channel whose water rushed through a half open lock and fell like a cloud of dust ...... it sparkled and glittered in this waterfall en miniature.

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"Yes, I am as one who tries to sail against the current up over a waterfall," he thought, "and I feel that the current has grabbed me and overpowered me ...... I no longer know where it leads me ...... perhaps towards complete destruction ...... and yet I cannot get off the boat now that I am halfway, the decision has been made ...... there is no turning back."

– – –

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Half an hour later he arrived at Professor Hardenfeld's Institute of Sexual ScienceInstitute for Psychiatry (fictional), modeled on the Institut Für Sexualwissenschaft (Institute for Sexual Science) in Berlin, founded by Magnus Hirschfeld in 1919; Einar Wegener was initially examined there. He had to wait a long time for the photographer who, at the request of the doctors, was to take the photographs of his and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's common body ... What will become of all this? he asked him-
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self. His happy, confident mood was gone, he felt an infinite fatigue ...... He would prefer to quietly sit himself in a corner and cry.

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A lady, one of the Professor's assistants, came out to him in the waiting room and started a conversation with him. He confined himself to listening to her. She was very tactful and he felt that things would turn out as she said, without curiosity or emotion he listened to her words.

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"Your case," she said, "is something quite new to us, and what makes it particularly interesting to science is that you are an artist and thus in a position to analyse your emotional life. You will get to experience something incredible. First you have lived and felt as a man, and in future you will live and feel as a woman. I have to think of the Roman emperor who killed himself because he could not experience that which will now become your fate."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had the impression that it was someone else she was talking about, and that she was telling him something about this other person that he had known for a long time. But her compassionate and natural manner of speaking did him good ...... It is only the Germans who are able to combine objectivity and cordiality like this, he thought.

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When the photographer finally appeared, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had regained his outer carefree attitude ...... No relapse, now, he commanded himself, once again unconsciously appealing to his male pride -@Editor: PLC. When the photographing was over and he had left the instituteInstitute for Psychiatry (fictional), modeled on the Institut Für Sexualwissenschaft (Institute for Sexual Science) in Berlin, founded by Magnus Hirschfeld in 1919; Einar Wegener was initially examined there, he invited himself to a farewell lunch. He chose one of Berlin's best restaurants, assembled the meal with great care, starting with lobster à l'américaine and ordered a bottle of Liebfrauenmilch.

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When he paid two hours later, the head waiter said in fluent French:

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"Monsieur has probably come here to have fun ...... BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany is also renowned for its music and theatre ...... And as to the ladies ...... here on KurfürstendammKurfuürstendamm (historical), an upscale avenue in Berlin whose cafés and theaters were the center of Berlin’s cultural scene in the 1920s. Its Jewish-owned shops were targeted during Kristallnacht in 1938. ......"

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"Yes," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter interrupted and added, in a fit of black humour, "here in this excellent establishment that fully matches the best restaurants in ParisParis (historical), capital of France I see many both beautiful and really elegant and tastefully dressed women who could just as well belong in ParisParis (historical), capital of France or RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy ...... There are several of them
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for whom I would be happy to sacrifice my heart's peace, if I was not to undergo a fateful operation in a couple of hours."

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The head waiter stared at him in astonishment. -@Editor: PLC

– – –

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter drove back to the hotel where he paid his bill. Then he took a cab again and drove to ThomasiusstrasseThomasiusstrasse (historical), a street in the residential section of Berlin to say goodbye to his friends.

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"You certainly don't look anything like a sacrificial animal!" NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 exclaimed laughing.

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But IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 threw up her hands in horror:

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"But AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter ... in a few hours you are going to have surgery, and then you come here with a strong cigar in your mouth!"

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And she snatched the cigar from him.

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"What does it matter? I have just consumed my last meal before the execution, or rather I have, although it is a little early in the day, celebrated." my Polterabend -@Translator: MO -@Editor: PLC

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IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 took his hand:

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"I have not once been a nurse for nothing ...... I know how to behave when you have to undergo surgery, and it is definitely not as you behave, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter ...... It's childish behaviour when you go out throwing your money around like that ...... it is quite out of place ..... by the way you look quite unwell ...... NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 had better go with you."

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And so it was. Without a cigar and supervised by NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter made his appearance at the clinicGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin.

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He was very anxious but everything went in a businesslike way. The two gentlemen were received by a nurse who led them into a dazzling white room smelling of all sorts of disinfectants, right next to the operating room to which the door was open. A couple of nurses were busy in there. It looked as if they were in the process of getting everything ready for an operation. A strong, sweetish smell streamed out through the door.

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Sister MarianneMarianne (fictional), no known historical model apologised to the gentlemen. The senior physicianProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 had been delayed and could not arrive until around six o'clock. They had to have a little patience.

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It was just before four o'clock and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 made a despairing face.

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"No, really sister, I can't stand it!" he said almost frightened. "Is there any reason why my friend and I cannot go and wait at the Romanisches Café next door?"

Page 74
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After AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had solemnly promised to come back punctually they were allowed to leave. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 looked as if he were escaping.

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When they had found a seat in the caféRomanisches Café (see TS), renowned gathering place for intellectuals and artists in Berlin in the 1920s right across from the shelves with newspapers, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter discovered that the newspapermanthe Cripple (fictional), no known historical model. We chose this epithet over “newspaper boy” or “red-haired fellow” because it is precisely his hump that makes this character important to Andreas. who stood only a few meters away from them was red haired and hunchbacked. In an instant he jumped up and walked back towards the man who stared at him in surprise. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter gave him a mark, put his hand on his hump for a moment, and gave him another mark. Then he walked backwards towards the man and sat on his chair beside NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938.

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"It brings luck, you know," he said, "it is an old Italian superstition ..... I'm not normally superstitious, but now I feel convinced that the operation will go well ...... If you have touched a man's hump, you are protected against all evil ...... a woman's hump on the other hand has just the opposite effect, it brings misfortune."

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 shook his head and laughed:

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"There you see how well I take care of everything for you!"

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"And now we'll have a funeral feast with fine old Rhine wine," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter said.

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When the waiter brought the wine, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter asked for three glasses.

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"Three?" NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 asked.

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"Yes, the hunchbackthe Cripple (fictional), no known historical model. We chose this epithet over “newspaper boy” or “red-haired fellow” because it is precisely his hump that makes this character important to Andreas. will have a drink with us, of course."

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The newspaperman did not hesitate although he did not understand the reason for the invitation.

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"One is not usually so well treated," he smiled looking at his hosts. He took his glass, raised it and said addressing AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter:

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"To your health, sir! May your good heart live even longer than you!"

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"Bravo! The guy speaks like a prophet!" NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 shouted and gaped when he saw his friend grab the hand of the hunchbackthe Cripple (fictional), no known historical model. We chose this epithet over “newspaper boy” or “red-haired fellow” because it is precisely his hump that makes this character important to Andreas. and press it warmly. Then AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter raised his glass and said to the newspaperman as he once again touched his hump lightly with the other hand:

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"You don't how much good your words have done me ...... Let's drink to the fact that it may go as you wish."

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He clinked his glass against the hunchbackthe Cripple (fictional), no known historical model. We chose this epithet over “newspaper boy” or “red-haired fellow” because it is precisely his hump that makes this character important to Andreas.'s ..... And cheerfully they emptied the rest of the bottle.

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When they left the hunchbackthe Cripple (fictional), no known historical model. We chose this epithet over “newspaper boy” or “red-haired fellow” because it is precisely his hump that makes this character important to Andreas. looked long and seriously after them.

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XI.

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In the room waiting for AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter at the clinicGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin the light was already on. A nurse led him in and took down the patient's name and the date, hung a fever chart over the bed, and asked him to go to bed at once ...... the doctor would come soon.

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"I suppose it's best if I leave right away?" NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 asked.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter nodded with a smile:

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"Yes, old friend, by all means go. I'll make an effort to fulfill the wish of the hunchbackthe Cripple (fictional), no known historical model. We chose this epithet over “newspaper boy” or “red-haired fellow” because it is precisely his hump that makes this character important to Andreas.."

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 wanted to say something, but his friend pushed him towards the door.

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"You are right, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter ...... I could easily go and be sentimental."

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A brief handshake and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was alone.

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He walked mechanically up and down the floor a few times. There were no thoughts in his brain. Without knowing it he began to count his steps ......that's seven paces long and six paces wide ...... He sat on the bed and looked around. It was a quite ordinary hospital room. Bright walls, bed, table and chairs – all painted white. He slowly started his undressing and suddenly he remembered that this was the last time that he, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, undressed ...... that he was taking leave of his jacket, his vest his trousers, etc. ...... For a whole lifetime he had been dressed in these clothes, and as he took them off he looked at each piece for a long time ...... He placed the coat over the vest on a hanger that he hung in the closet as he had usually done since ...... Yes, since when? He still sat for a long time looking at each of his garments and passing his hand over them ...... What will become of you, he asked smiling bitterly, and what will become of me? ...... which one of us will survive the other ..... I? You? My poor clothes
[Page 76]
...... I had completely forgotten to think of you ...... perhaps you consider me a traitor to you .....

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He sat for a long time like this, like a dying man taking leave of his surroundings ...... He took his hat, which lay on the table.

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"You too ...... I had almost forgotten you ...... Haven't I forgotten other things? ......"

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He examined his jacket and took a picture from the inside breast pocket that he put on the table leaning against the wall.

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator!" he said softly and was just going to caress it when there was a knock.

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The door was opened, and the senior physicianProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 entered accompanied by a young assistant doctor.

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"Well, how have you spent the day?" Dr. GebhardtProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 -@Editor: PLC asked him casually, "I hear that you've had a funeral feast ...... that was rather unnecessary as this initial surgery can be considered quite safe, but I'm glad that you appreciate wine. Your friend has told me which brand you drank ...... It's just a little unfortunate that it forces me to postpone the operation until tomorrow morning ...... this kind of procedure should be performed when the stomach is empty. But in order that the time will not seem too long I'll give you a sedative for the night ...... Good night and take courage!"

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Doctor GebhardProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 gave him a light handshake and he was once again alone.

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"Still wait, wait, wait ...... How difficult it is to be patient, my friend," he said to the picture standing on the table beside his bed. He looked at it for a long time.

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator," he stammered, then he fell back into the white pillows and for the first time really felt how tired and exhausted he was. The hectic days in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany only now reached his consciousness ...... Finally he was allowed to admit that his strength was spent ...... now no one saw him, not even GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, and the last remnant of male defiance in which he had sought refuge from his friends and the doctors during these painful days, as in a heavy and cumbersome armour, now fell from him.

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator ...... it's a good thing that you don't see me now ...... But I mustn't cry ...... I must, I have to go through with this."

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Then it occurred to him that he did not know anything about
[Page 77]
what the first operation consisted of ...... he had thought that here in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany he was only to be examined and put under the observation of the doctors ...... And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator still thought so ...... he had received only a few postcards from her. It had been decided that she would go directly to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany to be with him when Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had operated on him ...... Shouldn't he send her a telegram? Wasn't it wrong of him to keep what was going to happen tomorrow a secret from her? No, why should he make her anxious – he had not himself expected that his, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter's, fate was to end here in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany ...... End? ...... He had to smile: I'm all right ...... He thought of the hunchbackthe Cripple (fictional), no known historical model. We chose this epithet over “newspaper boy” or “red-haired fellow” because it is precisely his hump that makes this character important to Andreas. and of his words. -@Editor: PLC

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He had paper and a fountain pen lying on the table and he wrote:

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BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany, Wednesday evening, March 4th

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Dear, sweet, little GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator!

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Tomorrow morning I will have surgery ...... The doctor says that it is a small and quite harmless operation, that is why I have not asked you to come ...... Should things turn out differently, however, then I will tell you now tonight that I will think of you every hour, every minute until the last moment, my brave and loyal little comrade, my dearest friend. My last wish concerns you and your future happiness ...... You will inherit the happy disposition that was once mine ...... in this way my soul will always live on within you ––– a thousand kisses from LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ......

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Yours and only yours

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Andreas.

– – –

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An hour later IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 came to see him. He handed her the letter and asked her to give it to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator if ......

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"You silly, silly man -@Translator: MO ...... It has to go well. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 has already told me about your special guardian angel and his hump ......"

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At ten o'clock the assistant doctor returned to give AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter the promised sleeping powder. Shortly afterwards the nurse came and prepared the room for the night ...... she turned the light off ......and everything was quiet.

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In this, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter's last night, his sleep was deep and without dreams. He was
[Page 78]
allowed to sleep until the doctors came in the morning. He had barely had time to make the necessary toilette when Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin stood beside his bed and asked him to sign a statement saying that he, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, underwent the surgery according to his own wish, and that Dr. GebhardProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 would be exempt from any responsibility if the operation was unsuccessful.

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"With pleasure," he said, and immediately signed the statement that was addressed to some higher authority, thinking:

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"In other words, this means that if I die it's no use that I come and make a fuss afterwards."

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"Can't I add a few lines?" he asked. "I so much want to express my gratitude to the German doctors because they will ty to save me."

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But the ProfessorProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin shook his head with a smile:

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"No, that is not possible ...... Now you'll stay quietly in bed, we will anesthetize you here in your bed ...... it is the most comfortable for you ...... Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist has wished to be notified by phone as soon as the operation is over."

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When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was alone again, he took his fountain pen and hastily wrote down the following lines:

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Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist,

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At the last moment before my surgery, I feel compelled to convey to you my most heartfelt thanks. Since the day I met you in ParisParis (historical), capital of France, I have been full of hope, and here in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany where I did not know a single one of the doctors who have examined me and assisted me, I have all the time had the feeling that an invisible power was watching over me and opening all doors for me. I know that this power is you, and that all the good that I have met comes from you. Whatever happens I am infinitely grateful to you ...... my life depends entirely on you. -@Editor: PLC

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Very faithfully yours

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Andreas Sparre.

– – –

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With a feeling of infinite relief AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter sank back into the bed. Now everything was arranged ...... in a few minutes the waiting would be over.

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And in this moment when he was on the threshold of the unknown, he suddenly remembered a winter day in ParisParis (historical), capital of France. Tired and miserable, tormented by pain, he had sought refuge in the old church, Saint Germain des Prés. He had never been there before, but he had gone there to rest in the incense scented twilight of the venerable room under the high vaults that had looked down on the hopes and sufferings of so many generations. On one of the pillars hung a peculiar and very beautiful gothic picture: a Madonna. There he had stopped and he who since his childhood had never said a prayer and who considered himself to be completely irreligious had knelt between a pair of old women, folded his hands, and prayed to the gothic Madonna:

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"You who are love and mercy, help me! Free me from my disheartened and sick body and let me die ...... or let a miracle happen!"

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It had seemed to him that the Madonna had looked at him with a smile ...... A few days later, he had met Professor Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist.

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And now he lay here in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany waiting for the miracle to begin. Had Madonna really heard his prayer? When he left ParisParis (historical), capital of France, he had found an old, Spanish, miniature, silver Madonna in his wallet. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had once discovered it in an antique shop in SevilleSeville (historical), a city in southern Spain, and happy she had shown him the small piece of jewellery.

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"Do you know," she said, "I have a feeling, that the pretty little Madonna has been waiting for us there in the basement ...... she'll be our talisman."

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Since then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had worn the ornament day and night on a fine chain, and without him noticing it, she had given it to him at his departure ...... cautiously he kissed the small image. -@Editor: PLC

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A moment later the assistant doctor came:

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"Now then, you'll have a little injection, and when you wake up again, it will all be over."

– – –

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When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter woke up again, in acute pain, it was almost noon. With a scream he opened his eyes. At first he thought, terrified, that he had woken up too soon and that he was still on the operating table ...... but gradually he realised
[Page 80]
that he was lying in his bed. He remembered that the assistant doctor had given him an injection but after that everything vanished in a fog ...... then he discovered that two nurses were bent over him and spoke to him reassuringly. Little by little his consciousness became more and more clear, but at the same time the pain grew more intense ..... he clenched his teeth ...... he did not want to scream ...... and he did not scream again.

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"Was I very noisy?" he asked.

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"Well," one of them answered with a smile, "you did make a little noise ...... and what was most strange was that your voice was completely changed. In a high, light woman's voice you called out: 'Don't leave me ...... don't leave me ...... I'm so alone ...... and I can't be alone yet ...... I'm afraid to ......'"

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The senior physicianProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 came in, took his hand and pressed it lightly.

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"You are doing quite well ...... allow me to pay you a compliment ...... you have a wonderful soprano voice ...... just ask the nurses ...... you must preserve that, it can bring you a lot of pleasure later in life."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter wanted to speak but the doctorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 was already off again. "Give him an injection," he had whispered to one of the nurses in passing.

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"Give him an injection," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter said like a child who repeats a word without knowing what it means ...... And shortly afterwards the quiet grey fog closed around him again.

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Towards evening he was woken by a fit of coughing. He had the feeling that his whole body would be torn to pieces, it was horrible. He tried to suppress his cough, he had never imagined that coughing could be so extremely painful. But he did not succeed. One of the nurses sat beside the bed and looked at him in bewilderment ...... she dared not give him something to drink.

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Finally the fit was over. He was quite exhausted. The nurse wiped the sweat off his brow.

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"I suppose you have smoked a lot," she said, "perhaps even yesterday."

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On the table beside him lay a package of cigarettes.

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"Take them away, throw that rubbish out the window," he asked, "I'll never smoke again in my life ...... I swear to it."

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And he remembered the cigar that IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 had
[Page 81]
taken from him yesterday – it was AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' very last cigar ...... A new fit of coughing later in the evening increased his aversion to tobacco. He could not imagine ever taking a cigarette again ...... and this distaste for smoking was passed on to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 was permitted to look in on him for a moment.

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"Well, you are doing splendidly," he said.

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"Oh yes, but it hurts," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter answered, and at the sound of his voice NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 looked at the nurse in astonishment.

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"Yes," she whispered, "it's a completely different voice."

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 sat down on the chair by AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter:

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"IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 sends her warmest regards ...... she'll come tomorrow morning, and she'll bring something that will please you ...... But what is the matter?"

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"I can't stand it ...... You'd better go ...... It's the pain!"

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The nurse beckoned to NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938. He tiptoed out of the room, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter begged to have a new injection ...... He had several in the course of the night.

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The following day he felt as exhausted as after wandering through a desert. The pains were still there, but they had become more distant and more subdued, at least as long as he did not move.

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"Do not think about the pain at all," the nurse said, "just lie still and don't move."

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"Just lie still and don't move." Like a child he kept on repeating the words ...... Only now and then a question rose to the surface in him: Who am I ...... What am I?

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The next morning IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 came with a big bottle of Eau de Cologne and fresh flowers whose scent filled the sickroom. As a thirsty person he put his face among the flowers. Never in his life had he imagined that the smell of flowers could be such a heavenly gift.

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And how good IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 was! Silently and smiling she slid around the small room like a mother with her sick child, he thought, while she made the nurse bring her a vase and arranged the flowers. Then she spread a beautiful, multicoloured silk scarf, which she had brought in her purse, over the table and placed the flowers on the windowsill. When she was done, she sat beside the bed and gently stroked the trembling hands of the patient while she spoke softly and
[Page 82]
encouragingly to him ...... She had always been on formal terms with him, but now she was on familiar terms ...... this did not occur to him until a few days later ...... and during these first days she avoided calling him by any name.

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"Now everything will be well! ...... You just have to be confident and patient ...... Life will be wonderful for you ...... trust me, I know."

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Then she stopped talking – she just sat quietly and let her cool hand slide over his feverish forehead ...... He forgot his anxiety and his pain and settled down a little ...... Time passed ...... as in dreams he heard her slip away ...... and he fell asleep.

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Every morning she came back with new flowers and good words. A day passed, two days, three days. Most of the time he was like a child who has not yet woken up to real life ...... And the nights which the sleeping medicine brought him through were without dreams.

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One day IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 brought a particularly splendid bouquet of spring flowers and, blissful, he wanted to kiss her hands:

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"You are my good angel, IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938."

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But she stopped him:

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"No, today you mustn't thank me ...... it's not from me, it's from a good, distant friend."

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"Is it from Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923?"

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IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 nodded. Then she opened the small white letter placed in the bouquet and read:

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"Each flower in this bouquet is a greeting to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931!"

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For a long time AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter hid his face in the flowers, and IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 could not see that his eyes were filled with tears. Then he asked:

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"I wonder if ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 will ever find her again?"

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"Who do you mean?"

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"His LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931."

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He scribbled a thank you on a card and handed it to IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938:

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"Will you send this for me?"

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Without wanting to, IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 had happened to look at the handwriting.

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"Did you write this?"

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"Yes, you saw that, IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938!"

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"Well, then she is already there, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923's LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931! See for yourself."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter looked at the card and did not recognize his own handwriting ...... it was a woman's writing.

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IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 ran out to the assistant doctor who was standing in the corridor and handed him the card:

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"Look at this, doctor, no man could have written this, right?"

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"No," the doctor admitted surprised, "you are right, it's a new sign ...... right after the other."

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"What do you mean?"

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"Haven't you noticed the voice? ...... It is no longer a man's voice."

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"Oh, you!" IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 exclaimed when she was back in the sick-room ...... she could not say any more, she was crying.

– – –

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When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was alone, he very softly said a few words to listen to his own voice ...... Was it really true? ...... And he continued to speak until the words faded away and he dozed off again.

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Suddenly he was torn from his sleep. It was night. A horrible scream passed through the thin wall into the darkness of his room. A scream he had never heard the like of. At first he thought that it was he himself who had screamed ...... but no, there was another scream, it sounded as if it were a young animal being tortured to death ...... He could not stand it any more ...... It must be someone who was being murdered.

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"Help! Help!" he shouted and rang the bell furiously.

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The door was torn open and the nurse rushed breathlessly to him.

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"For heaven's sake, what's the matter with you?"

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"With me?"

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He looked at her in bewilderment, then he heard the scream again ...... and now he realised that it came from the room next to his.

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"Who is screaming, Sister? Is someone dying?"

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The nurse smiled:

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"No, on the contrary, someone is being born ...... it's a young lady next door who has had her first child, a lovely little girl ...... but now it's over ...... Can you hear, she is no longer screaming ...... and in a few days we'll have her back on her feet again. But I understand that you were frightened, it is not very pleasant when you are not used to it." -@Editor: PLC

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He did not know what to answer. He only felt a strange, deep shame ...... then he began to cry. The nurse stayed for a long time and tried in vain to calm him ...... then she fetched the syringe – and everything, anxiety and shame, this new, unknown sense of shame, all the many urgent questions sank into the usual fog.

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Later the nurse told him that she had stayed with him until morning, and that all the time he had whispered:

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"Yes, yes, that is how I'll have to give birth to myself!"

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She did not know that the person who said these words had already become another being. -@Editor: PLC

– – –

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The next morning IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 said, beaming with joy:

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"Can you guess who will be here in three days?"

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator?"

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"Yes, here is her letter."

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He was just about to start reading it when the senior physicianProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 entered.

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"Oh, you are just the man we are looking for, doctor, when do you think that I can begin to get out of bed?"

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"Do you want to get out of bed? There is no rush ... You are doing quite well here in your bed with such a lovely, merciful sister to care for you," the doctorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 replied and gallantly kissed IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938's hand.

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"Yes, that's true ...... but in three days my wife will come."

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The doctorProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 was startled and looked first at the assistant doctor and then at IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938:

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"Well, yes, that's true ...... but we had better wait, nevertheless ...... it's possible that your wife will find you somewhat changed."

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He left the room quickly with his assistant, but AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had time to see that he was at pains to suppress his amusement.

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"Why did he laugh at me?" AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter asked, "did I say something wrong?"

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"Stupid LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931!"

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That was all IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 could answer.

Page 85

XII.

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Three days later, early in the morning, even before they had finished the cleaning, which was seen to by the scrubbing ward maids and the shiny white nurses, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator appeared, elegant, fresh from a good night's sleep, wrapped in fur, Parisienne from head to foot.

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The nurse on duty immediately knew who she was.

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"Oh, it's Mrs. SparreGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator isn't it?" she said ......"let me show you the way ...... You are eagerly expected ...... Please, excuse the disorder here, we haven't yet finished the morning cleaning."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator took off her right glove and held out her hand to the nurse. She had to suppress a little smile as she saw how her red fingernails and her even redder lips and most of all the fragrance emanating from her fur and mingling with the smell in the corridor of green soap and well-scrubbed floors made them all stare at her. -@Editor: PLC

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Then she was in the sickroom.

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She had come in without making the slightest noise. The morning sun touched the white bed in which she saw a pale face rising as if woken from a dream. Two big, deep, brown eyes looked towards her and the lips quivered but remained mute. -@Editor: PLC

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With open arms GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator stopped as if petrified in the middle of the room without being able to move. She fought back her tears. But she would not cry ...... she wanted to smile. She wanted to say hello with a few happy words ...... but the big, brown eyes held her ...... a few infinitely long seconds passed ...... then a narrow ray of sun touched the patient's face, passed over the dark eyes whose look lit up in a beginning exultation and enkindled a silvery lustre ...... the lustre of two pearly tears ...... Then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator tore herself from her astonishment ...... and sobbing sank on her knees in front of the sick bed.

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What these two people felt at their reunion, what they lived through and said to each other during this silent time together – words cannot render. -@Editor: PLC

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Late in the evening when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was alone with her confused thoughts and conflicting emotions she wrote the following letter to her friend in ParisParis (historical), capital of France, to Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923:

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"What I have experienced today, I cannot describe ...... I can only suggest, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, not explain. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter is dead ...... I could no longer find him. But I found a pale and lovely creature. It was LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and yet not her, not the LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 we knew in ParisParis (historical), capital of France, but someone else, an entirely new creature. Her voice, the expression in her eyes, her handshake, everything was new ... Is it a transformation or is it a being who is in the process of finding herself? I suppose it must be the latter. She is so womanly and untouched by life ...... no, womanly is not the right word, I would rather call it girlish, almost childlike, shy and insecure with a thousand questions on her lips ...... I feel as if I am faced with a wonder, and I am much too moved and fascinated to be able to find the right words ...... And at the same time I know that unimaginable sufferings still await her before her soul is completely disentangled from the mantle enclosing it ...... What a destiny, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923! I shudder when I try to think it through. It is a mercy from heaven that she is still too weak to look back or forward, she herself is barely able to realise her present condition. I talked to the doctors ......This first operation has only been the beginning of the sex transformation that now is to develop clinically, but so far everything has gone better than could be expected ...... AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter has now ceased to exist, they say, the glands, which made him a man, have been removed. What has to be done next will be done in DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany by Professor Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist ...... The doctors also said something about hormones, and I pretended to understand what they meant ...... Now I have looked it up in a medical book, and it says that "Hormones are stimulating or rousing substances belonging to the internal secretion and accelerating, possibly sparking off the activity of other organs." That did not tell me much ...... But what use is wisdom and
[Page 87]
knowledge when it comes to a miracle? I can only believe in it. What I experienced at the clinicGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin appears to me as the solution to the mystery which through the many difficult years has tormented AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and us who lived with him and which has seemed quite insoluble to us ...... But the solution has yet not been completed. I know it, and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 suspects it ...... Her innermost being is still tied and bound, and only Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist will be in a position to undo the ties. Everyone here, the doctors, the nurses, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 and IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 observe with wonder the great external change that has happened to 'the little patient,' but they do not really know if they should still consider this suffering being a man, or if they should already address her as a woman. And what is their astonishment against mine? Day in and day out I lived with this poor, sick person. We have only been apart the few weeks since he left ParisParis (historical), capital of France, and now I am facing a new person whom I almost do not know. And what has happened to me will happen to you and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini to whom you must show this letter for I cannot bear to write any more ...... I must only add that when LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, this new, sweet LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, like a little sister – yes, that is how I felt – sought refuge in my arms crying, she stammered:

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'Are you angry with me because ...... because AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter robbed you of your most beautiful years? ......'

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I was so shocked, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, that I almost could not utter a word ...... and when I finally felt able to say what I felt, I did not dare ...... It is not me, not me, whom AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter has deceived, it is herself, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, my sweet pale LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 whom he betrayed by depriving her of her life as a young girl ...... ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, you and I must do everything we can to help this betrayed LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and make up for what AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter has done to her ......"

– – –

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The next morning, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had spent the night at a hotel, the head nurse suggested putting another bed into the sick room so that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, before the departure to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany which was to take place a few days later, could be close to the patient all the time.

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"How nice," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator answered gratefully, took the nurse's hand and pulled her into the side room that was vacant. She
[Page 88]
quickly fetched a suitcase which she had left standing in the hallway, opened it and whispered softly:

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"Dear Sister, let me show you something, and then we will speak no more of him." -@Editor: PLC

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She took a lovely silk négligé out from the suitcase:

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"Isn't it beautiful?"

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"Yes, it will become you wonderfully, madam."

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"Me? ...... No it is not for me, it is for ...... for our sweet little friend in there. But," she laid her finger with the painted red nail on her mouth, "hush, it's a secret ...... until tomorrow morning."

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Next morning a still slightly pale and timid, but infinitely delighted young lady sat upright in the white sick bed in a delicately scented Parisian négligé supported by the pillows. The assistant doctor almost could not believe his own eyes when he saw this transformation:

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"My compliments, Miss! ...... If you promise me to be very brave and very careful you'll have permission to get up for a couple of hours today and move over to the armchair so that you can show yourself to the wondering world ...... but only for two hours and you must stay in this room ...... we must proceed cautiously."

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Several of the nurses found a pretext for going into the sick room during the day and the head nurse maternally took LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 in her arms and whispered:

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"Now you just have to be brave!" -@Editor: PLC

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That was all, no curiosity and no questions, and when the senior physicianProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 came to visit with his patient in the evening he, as if it were a matter of course, gallantly took her hand and kissed it saying:

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"Good evening, Mademoiselle, I see that you are still doing well!"

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Only then did he see GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator:

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"I apologize ....."

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 hastened to introduce:

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"This is my ...... this is Mrs. Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator."

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For a moment GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and the doctor looked at each other with restrained emotion. Then the doctor said with a good-natured laugh:

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"Yes, I know that you were married to the missing Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter.
[Page 89]
But what can one say? Men are faithless ...... you never know where you are with them."

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It was as if LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 in the first days -@Editor: PLC did not really take part in what was happening around her. Without showing any surprise she heard the nurses call her "Miss" or "Miss Lili," but neither with a word nor a movement did she answer the surprised looks of her friends.

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"We must leave her alone," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator said to IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, "she is resting within herself ...... it is all just a passing phase ......the preparation of the free development of her nature."

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During this period GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator carefully kept her diary. Every evening she wrote down her observations and the experiences she had had with LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 during the day. In simple, hesitant words she sought to trace the obscure and difficult path along which LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 walked her first steps ......

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Here is a single page of this diary:

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"With admirable patience LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 endures the after-effects of the surgery although she cries and moans a little morning and evening when the dressing has to be changed, clamps have to be removed and thread pulled out. But she does not complain. 'It must be done,' she says with a resignation which I have never known in her before. She has only one wish, to get to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany as soon as possible, to her own professorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, that is what she calls him ...... She never speaks about the past ...... Often I have the impression that she has not had any past, as if she has no present either, as if she just exists in the expectation of the life Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist will give her."

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Another day GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator wrote:

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... "Without LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's knowledge, IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 and I have made preparations for her journey to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany. Today we went shopping, and we returned to the clinic with a big multicoloured box.

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'Try to guess what this is?' I said.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 looked at us and replied without a smile:

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'No, I can't!'

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IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 cut through the string and pulled a lovely brown fur coat out of the box.

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'This is for you, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931,' IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 said and spread the coat in front of her and showed her the lovely, soft silk lining ......'

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'That is sweet of you, she answered, but do you think that Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist will approve if I make my appearance dressed like that ...... I only hope he can recognise me ......'

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And her eyes became sad ...... Oh God, her eyes! ...... Really, they are sad, also when she laughs. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' eyes were quite different ...... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's too, back home in ParisParis (historical), capital of France ...... It is as if the new LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's eyes are not yet properly awake ...... as if they still do not believe ...... or maybe they are afraid to show what they believe."

– – –

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It was still winter in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany when LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 a few days later, wrapped in her first new fur coat, was permitted to leave the clinicGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin for a couple of hours. The senior physicianProfessor Gebhard (fictional), modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt (1890–1965), a Berlin surgeon who performed the first operation on Lili Elvenes in 1930 had prescribed a drive.

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"We must practice for the great journey to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany," he declared, "we must have a little fresh air, show ourselves among people, gather strength."

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"Among people" ... These words made LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 listen. She was seized by a secret fear, but she did not let the others feel it ...... NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 and IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 picked her up ...... and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator never left her side.

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When LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 stood in front of the clinicGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin, weak and supported by NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938' arm, the fear came over her again. She felt frightened like a prisoner who is newly released to freedom under the bright, blue sky ...... She looked around as if she were afraid that everything around her was only a delusion, and she hesitated to step forward.

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"Come on, child," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator whispered to her softly.

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"She is conceited, she wants to walk alone," NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 said.

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"No, no," LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 exclaimed alarmed, "you mustn't let me go ...... Don't let me stand alone ...... I ...... I just wanted to breathe for a moment, it's been so long since I've breathed in the fresh air."

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When LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was in the car, she huddled up against GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and closed her eyes for a long time:

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"Don't mind me ...... I must get used to it all first ...... all of it."

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And like a blind person she drove through the roaring bustle of KurfürstendammKurfuürstendamm (historical), an upscale avenue in Berlin whose cafés and theaters were the center of Berlin’s cultural scene in the 1920s. Its Jewish-owned shops were targeted during Kristallnacht in 1938., like a sleep walker, silent and withdrawn......

Page 91
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The trip lasted two hours ...... Then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator brought the exhausted patient back to the sick bed ...... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had barely picked at the food that was brought to her before she fell asleep, a sleep that lasted until the next morning.

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In the afternoon NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 picked them up again. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was already much more composed.

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"Today I won't be so boring," she said, "I even long for people."

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"Aren't we people?" NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 asked jokingly.

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"Yes, but for strangers ...... yes, I would like to once again see a stranger."

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"Very good, an excellent idea," NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 said, and told them that they were to dine at home with him and IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 to celebrate the day.

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He stopped the car at a phone booth and got out. He just wanted to let IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 know that they were on their way, he said, when he returned with a very mysterious air.

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IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 opened the front door for them and handed LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 a large bouquet of roses.

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"There, now just be brave, LilichenLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931," she said, "you'll have everything your heart desires ...... also a stranger ...... a young woman from Copenhagen." It was her NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 had telephoned so that she could meet "one of our French friends who just arrived from ParisParis (historical), capital of France." "Don't be afraid, she doesn't know you."

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"For God's sake," said LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and she shrank back.

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"No nonsense, you'll have to play French," IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 declared, "she knows that you speak neither Danish nor German and she herself does not understand a word of French ...... I have told her that you have just been through a serious illness and that you are still very weak. Don't make any nonsense, practicing will do you good ...... and remember, you don't understand what we say."

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 took LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's arm and quickly pulled her into the living room. Before she had come to her senses she sat with her large bouquet of roses in a deep, soft armchair, the same chair in which Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had spent all night confessing to his friends barely three weeks ago.

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"Just stick to it!" IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 whispered to her.

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"Yes, you are right, I will, if only it won't last too long."

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The door opened and a young actress from CopenhagenKaren Wardal (fictional), also Warren; possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg, a Russian-born Danish woman living in Paris at the time and depicted in several painting by Gerda Wegener with whom GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had spent an evening a few years ago stood in front of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ......

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 thought that her heart would stop beating. A feverish blush rose to her face ...... No, she said to herself, no, no.

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But no one noticed her nervousness.

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"May I be permitted to introduce," IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 smiled, "Miss Karen Warren ...... Mademoiselle Julie Humbert ...... Mrs. Grete Sparre."

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"Oh, we already know each other," the actressKaren Wardal (fictional), also Warren; possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg, a Russian-born Danish woman living in Paris at the time and depicted in several painting by Gerda Wegener cried, "how is your husband, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter?"

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator informed them that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was doing splendidly but that he was so overloaded with work that he had to stay in ParisParis (historical), capital of France ...... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 sat quite still and pretended that the Danish sentences did not make any impression on her. Each of Miss WarrenKaren Wardal (fictional), also Warren; possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg, a Russian-born Danish woman living in Paris at the time and depicted in several painting by Gerda Wegener's questions and the others' responses were at once considerately translated into French. The maid announced that dinner was served, and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 ceremonially offered LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 his arm and led her into the dining room. She behaved just as a perfect Parisienne who had never in her life heard a word of Danish. Danish and French were spoken alternately. Miss WarrenKaren Wardal (fictional), also Warren; possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg, a Russian-born Danish woman living in Paris at the time and depicted in several painting by Gerda Wegener expressed herself unreservedly about LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's delightful attire.

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"One immediately sees that the costume is from ParisParis (historical), capital of France," she said, and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 could hardly to suppress her mirth. Everything she was wearing had been bought in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany a few days ago ...... But she kept a straight face although she many times had to bite her tongue not to blurt out a remark in Danish ...... The dinner lasted for almost two hours and the atmosphere became quite animated ...... there was a lot of laughter and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 joined in as soon as the reason for the laughter was explained to her in French ......

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But then she suddenly was not able to go on ...... she was close to dropping from faintness ...... and she asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator to accompany her back to the hotel. With a smile she said goodbye to Miss WarrenKaren Wardal (fictional), also Warren; possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg, a Russian-born Danish woman living in Paris at the time and depicted in several painting by Gerda Wegener who promised her that next time they met she would be able to speak a little French.

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"And you, Mrs. SparreGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, please give my warmest regards to your husband."

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 drove them back to the clinic.

Page 93
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"No," he declared, "this I would never have thought it possible to carry through, now I believe in miracles!"

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had collapsed completely from fatigue. Silent she rode through the noisy cityBerlin (historical), capital of Germany where all the lights were now on ...... Thousands and thousands of electric lights sparkled and shone. There was no smile on her face. When the car stopped in front of the clinic NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 had to carry her up to her room. She slept ....... She did not see the huge bouquet of lilacs standing on the table. Only the next day when she woke up after having slept about twelve hours did she learn that the sweet smelling purple flowers were a spring greeting from the distant Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 ......

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This was how Lili’s first meeting with a stranger passed.

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"Imagine that she was not able to recognise me," she said almost wistfully.

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"But child," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator objected smiling, "it should make you glad ......there is no one ...... no one at all who knows LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ...... my new LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ...... out in the world ...... You are only about to start life."

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That day GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator could not yet understand, not yet comprehend, that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's sadness was the fear of not finding friends.

Page 94

XIII.

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The next morning a message came from Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. Everything was ready for the patient to arrive if her -@Editor: PLC condition allowed her to make the journey to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany. Before her departure, however, she had to pay one more visit to Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown who had examined Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter's blood a few weeks ago and now had to make a new blood examination.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator read the letter to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and her voice trembled with emotion but she pulled herself together:

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"Good, then we have come so far ...... When do you think that you will be fit for the journey?"

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"We'll go tomorrow morning, of course."

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"That's fine, but then we have to see Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown today."

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"And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator rushed into the hall to call the doctor's biochemical laboratoryKarner’s laboratory (fictional), no known historical analogue and make the appointment."

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Some minutes later she returned to announce that the doctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown was not available for another hour. She found LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 standing by the window with the letter from Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist in her hand.

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"Come, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, let's set off right away, then we can walk there, a little walk will do you good."

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"No, no, no! ...... Not walk," LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 cried like a child who is frightened, "I dare not, not yet, I don't have the courage to show myself on the street."

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And she began to cry.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator gently patted her cheek:

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"Good, then we won't, then we'll take a cab there."

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On the way GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator accidentally said that Doctor Karner's female assistant, with whom she had spoken, had not been able to understand her name.

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"But then the connection was bad, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator added."

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By chance they arrived at the laboratoryKarner’s laboratory (fictional), no known historical analogue at the same time as the doctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown.

Page 95
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"Hello, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown," said LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, who immediately recognized him and held out her hand.

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"Hello, madam," Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown answered, as he was evidently searching his memory for her name.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was unhappy and looked at GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator – as if to get help – then she stammered shyly:

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"I ...... I come from Doctor Gebhard's clinicGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin ...... it is at the request of Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist ...... I am Lili SparreLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931."

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It was the first time that she pronounced her new name, she heard herself say it, and an inexplicable feeling of shame coloured her cheeks red. She looked fixedly at the doctor:

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"Do you really not recognise me?"

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"Yes ...... yes ...... of course," the doctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown answered, no less confused than LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. One could clearly tell that he had no idea of who was standing before him.

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"It is about a blood sample, as I understand it," he nervously added and led the two ladies through the hall into the waiting room where he asked them to wait a moment.

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"Yes, but do you really still not recognise me?" asked LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 who now could not help but smile. Also GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's eyes were shining with mirth.

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The doctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown was even more confused:

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"Sparre? Sparre? ...... Yes, now I remember ...... some weeks ago a Mr. SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter came to see me ...... he was sent here by Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin, but I do not remember having seen you, Madam ......"

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"The gentleman and I were -@Editor: PLC one and the same person," LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 explained.

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"I beg your pardon?"

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Suddenly a light seemed to dawn on the doctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown:

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"Oh, now I understand ....... The ladies are from abroad ...... yes, of course."

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He looked at his watch a little absent-mindedly and bowed to them:

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"Please excuse me, I just have to make some preparations."

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Then he disappeared, and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 looked at GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator.

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"I really don't think he recognized me ...... it's marvellous."

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A young nurse had arrived and asked them to follow her. Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown was waiting for them in the laboratory, where AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter
[Page 96]
had already been. He took a small, thin glass syringe and said, still a little uncertain:

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"Will you be so kind as to sit down and pull up your sleeve ...... all the way up over the elbow ...... so that we can find a vein ....... Thank you, that was very good madam!"

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"Madam" ...... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 never thought she had heard anything so clearly, it was as if her ears could not let go of the word ...... It remained hanging in the air as she looked fixedly at the syringe which the doctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown with a quick jerk had stuck deeply into her white skin and whose glass container now slowly filled with her blood. "Madam!" It sounded as if it came from the blood flowing from her veins ...... and then she fainted.

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When she regained consciousness, she looked around timidly.

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She was lying on the operating table, and the doctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown stood beside her smiling.

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"Have I been lying here long?"

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"No, not at all, madam, only a few minutes ...... Did it really hurt that much?"

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"Hurt? ...... No, no ......" LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 answered and looked around her bewildered ...... I don't understand what came over me ...... I am otherwise not sensitive at all, surely you must know that.

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"At least your husband was not ...... I understood you correctly, didn't I? ...... Mr. SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter is your husband, isn't he? ...... I know that German is a very difficult language for all foreigners ...... one easily happens to express oneself incorrectly ...... Do you know that you told me that you and your husband were one and the same person?"

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The doctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown laughed heartily and continued before LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 could get a word in:

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"By the way I have to say that I admire your husband ...... he was very ill and worn out when he came up to see me, but he didn't complain ...... he would not even speak about his illness ... We discussed politics, I remember, and he gave a long speech about the political situation in France while I took a sample of his blood ...... I know that it is not quite painless, but he did not even flinch, while you ......"

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"Yes but DoctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown ......"

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"Please ...... you don't have to be ashamed
[Page 97]
of that at all, it is not a crime! ...... You are a representative of the weaker sex after all, while your husband, if I may express myself as a doctor, appeared to me to be the prototype of the masculini generis."

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"Dear DoctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown," LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had risen, she laughed out loud and looked the doctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown in the eye almost overly confident, "you have no idea what moral support you have given me with those words."

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"Support?" The doctorDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown inquiringly bent over her hand and kissed it "...... I assure you ...... I admire you at least as much."

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"That is excellent. Thank you doctor, till we meet again!"

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"Till we meet again ...... please give my regards to your husband!"

– – –

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, my dear," LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 said when they were down on the street, "so now I have come so far that I can see the comedy of the situation without a murmur ... it even amuses me and that is just as well ...... otherwise I think that I would have gone mad ...... and that must not happen ...... I must keep going until ...... until I have found myself completely ...... So far, I have the feeling that I experience everything ...... The dinner yesterday with the young woman from CopenhagenKaren Wardal (fictional), also Warren; possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg, a Russian-born Danish woman living in Paris at the time and depicted in several painting by Gerda Wegener, and now the visit here with the doctor ...... everything as in a kind of twilight state."

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That very evening GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator wrote in her diary:

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"So LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 is still seeking confirmation of herself ... and it will be long before she fully understands that she really exists ...... And they will not make it easy for her ....... by 'they' I mean everyone who knew AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter ......"

– – –

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"Come," LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 said, "now I feel so well that I dare to walk on the street."

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And from Doctor Karner's laboratoryKarner’s laboratory (fictional), no known historical analogue they walked in good spirits through the bustle of the cityBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. It was a young, fresh, sunny spring day. The sky was without clouds and blue as silk. The air felt like a caress. All the people they met had a bright, cheerful, and carefree expression in their eyes."

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"Do you also think I can get to look like that? LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 asked several times."

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They walked arm in arm and often they stopped in front of the shop windows
[Page 98]
whose displays were intended to tempt women. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 never tired of looking at the beautiful and expensive things and she looked at her reflection in all the windows.

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"Tell me GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, do I look good in my fur coat? ...... or do I look different from ...... from you? ......"

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator smiled, she did not need to lie:

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"Good Lord, just think of Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown ...... and be happy that we have come this far."

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 did not ask again. But now and then, she glanced searchingly at people who passed her. The same question was still working within her, but she did not express it. She made an effort to force a smile, and again and again she whispered to herself:

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"No one knows me and my fate here in this big cityBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. No one suspects me ...... no one ...... I can walk undisturbed, alone with my secret ..... no one betrays me. It is a beautiful, bright day and the sun is shining ...... And the sun will be more wonderful and I'll experience it, yes ...... yes ...... yes ......."

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Tired, she hung by GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's arm.

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator," she said at one point, "I hope you're not ashamed of me? ......"

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"Ashamed, what do you mean?"

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"Nothing, nothing at all ...... So tomorrow we travel to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany...... I'm happy that NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 will go with us ...... sometimes I get so anxious, I don't know why."

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This feeling of anxiety grew in the course of the night to such a degree that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had to call in the aid of the head nurse.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 cried and cried through many desperate hours.

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"I can't ...... I can't ...... how will I be able to show myself before Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist ...... He doesn't know me ...... He doesn't know who I am at all ...... I am so afraid ...... I'd much rather die."

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When she was finally so exhausted that she was no longer able to cry she lay quite still without being able to sleep, staring straight in front of her with big frightened eyes.

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A thousand concerns tumbled in her brain. The railway journey to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany ...... among strangers ...... the arrival in the new, unknown city ...... the road to the clinic ...... and
[Page 99]
again strangers ...... prying eyes ...... and then the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist ..... How would he receive her?

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 did not know herself what was going on in her.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had long since packed their suitcases, had managed to scrape together a lot of kind and encouraging words and had talked away about a lot of trivial things, but LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was still indifferent:

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"Tomorrow I have to stand before Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist ...... and no one will help me ...... no one."

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Still she whispered the same words to herself.

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And when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator said to her that she must remember that the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had only one thought, to help her, and that it would be ungrateful of her to give in now, then she only shook her head:

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"No, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, I know better, I know better ...... no one can help me ...... no one ...... it is much too hard for one person alone – and I'm so tired."

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Later in the morning GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had fallen asleep – she had not been in bed most of the night. Quite softly, not to disturb her, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 got up and slipped over to a large mirror which GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had brought and which was hung above the bedside table that had been converted into a provisional dressing table ...... She looked at herself in the mirror for a long time ..... no, no, she was not satisfied ..... she thought that she looked hideous, there was no expression on her face ...... she looked like a sad, tired, bloodless larva ...... With a blank look she sat down on one of the suitcases, rested her empty head in her hands, and did not have another thought.

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"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ...... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ......" it was GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, who wrapped her arms around her neck, "do you know what you look like? You look like a little sweet mother who is concerned for her child."

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"Concerned for her child ......" ..... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 slowly repeated the words ...... "yes, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, for her poor errant child's sake ...... Do you think that such a mother can ever be happy again?"

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator placed herself in the middle of the room and held out her hands imploringly towards her:

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"Promise me that you will say: 'Today I will be brave, today I will be brave' ...... then you will surely be happy again."

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In this way the day began, but there were still many
[Page 100]
difficult moments to get through. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 was there in good time and he helped the frightened LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 bid farewell to the nurse and the clinic that had been her first shelter on this earthGebhard’s sanitorium (fictional), possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt’s private clinic at Augsburger Str. 66, Berlin.

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"You look just like an officer's wife," he said to her, "overbearing and condescending ...... it's quite incredible, you are truly a phenomenon."

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"In half an hour they will drag the phenomenon along," LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 thought bitterly, "....... the phenomenon!"

– – –

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But she pulled herself together. No one should see her cry today, no one ...... And she wouldn't think ...... not think of anything ...... She let them drive her to the station ...... and her eyes pretended to see ...... but they saw nothing ...... in the waiting room she was compelled to have lunch with the others and she obeyed.

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"Today I won't have any will at all, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938, today I'll do everything you say to me ...... today you will think for me ...... for one more day I'll take a holiday."

– – –

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"Now, we must be in good spirits," NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 declared, "we have to celebrate LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's first journey."

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The waiter brought three mugs of "Hofbräu" and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 raised his mug to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, the neat, elegant GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, also, though with a somewhat apprehensive look, raised her mug and said to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931:

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"Cheers, or as they say here: Prosit!"

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 did not hesitate and before NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 had let his glass touch hers, she had taken a proper gulp.

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"Bravo! Bravo!" NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 cried so loud that many of the waiting room's guests looked at them.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 immediately put her mug down:

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"No, no, I beg you ...... let us not attract attention."

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The fear had caught hold of her again, but she was determined to be happy, and besides she honestly had to admit that she enjoyed the fresh, fragrant beer after the flat and colourless diet of the clinic ...... This solid lunch with fresh crisp rolls with salami, liver sausage, and cheese – a real German meal – was something quite different from the sick diet she had become used to.

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"One becomes a completely new person, children," she said to the two
[Page 101]
others ...... "one returns to life ...... Yes, I wish I was that far ...... Now, cheers, a toast to life!"

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 did not need to be told twice, and when the time of departure approached he cheerfully took LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 by the arm and carried her off so quickly through the teeming crowd of the platform that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator found it difficult to keep up. They found a corner seat by the window for LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator sat directly opposite her.

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With happy, watchful eyes absorbing every little detail as a new great experience LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 rode into her new life.

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The landscape between BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany and DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany was an endless, monotonous plain with a few thinly wooded stretches of forest and empty spring brown fields. Now and then the area was coloured red, white and yellow by little cottages, villages and towns through which slowly moving streams and rivers flowed – an image that was not suited for putting the mind in motion but was gentle and soporific. White sunny clouds were swept across the low blue grey sky by the fresh morning wind like little merry lambs that had just escaped the stable. Then suddenly a light green square appeared; it was the winter crops that had sprouted up between the willow shrubs that had already received their first silver sheen, and a dark cloud island sailed like a vision across the green acre. A church tower stood out against the eastern sky, the sun slipped over a low drifting mass of clouds and spread a shiny brass glimmer all over the world.

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The telegraph wires along the railway whirred up and down. A swarm of partridges shot like a bullet splintered into fragments from a gloomy piece of fallow land up over a dull green pine grove. They rushed past a signal keeper's house surrounded by silver birches and a few crippled and stunted apple trees between which multi-coloured washing fluttered; in front of the house a woman stood with hands akimbo and with her eyes turned towards the train, by her side a golden-haired child played with a bright red ball and a dark brown dog guarded the little one ...... Whoosh, passed ...... you could still see the woman waving to the train and a blue and white chequered apron waving from the clothes line. An unpaved road bent towards the railway embankment and a cart with a large load of timber and two heavily built plough horses stood waiting. The driver restrained them with his whip ...... the sun gilded the cord and the tin covered handle and flashed in the puddles
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in the abandoned cart tracks. Behind a wide curved ridge some factory chimneys rose from which white and yellowish green columns of smoke rose up against the blue sky until a breeze broke through, scattered them and transformed them into sunlit clouds ......

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's eyes looked at it with a painter's gaze and she was frightened:

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"These are not my eyes, they are AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' eyes ...... Is he not dead in me? ...... Can't he leave me alone?"

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And she closed her eyes ...... She did not know why she was so afraid of looking at the world and getting to love it as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter did ...... was it because she was afraid of not becoming herself ...... or of not being able to get free of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter?

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 had gone out in the corridor to smoke.

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In the compartment, beside LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 sat a couple of correct looking gentlemen who had taken the two corner seats by the door.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had barely noticed them. They had so far been entrenched behind their newspapers.

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Suddenly one of the gentlemen put down his paper and the other followed his example, though first folding it neatly. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 involuntarily looked at him and he answered her look and cleared his throat. The other gentleman brushed some specks of dust from his clothes and pulled off one of his thick and glossy, brown gloves. A sparkling jewel ring appeared. "Hm, hm," was heard again. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 wrapped her fur coat more tightly around her. She felt the gaze of the two gentlemen directed at the "lady" by the window ...... She affected an air of great superiority.

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"Hm," the gentleman next to her grunted again and then he asked:

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"Can I offer you a cigarette, madam?"

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She looked at him.

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He held a heavy silver cigarette case with a gold inlay towards her:

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"Of course this is not a smoking compartment, but I see that both your companions smoke."

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 smiled:

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"No, thank you."

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Whereupon the gentleman closed his case and carefully placed it in the rear pocket of his pants.

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The other gentleman had opened his paper again.

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And LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 looked out of the window again ...

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A small fine and tender grove of birches shone in the sun at the top of a hill. Above it floated two very small mother-of-pearl clouds like a pair of wings a small angel had forgotten during a game.

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 had come back in and sat by the window directly opposite her.

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"The first spring," he said, "the first spring, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931."

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And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator who had also returned repeated:

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"The first spring, yes ...... If only one could stand out there ...... and paint like ......"

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Her words echoed in LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's ears.

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"Spring ...... paint ...... like" – and she completed the sentence – "like AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter ......"

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Was it jealousy rising in her?

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No, no, she would not think.

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She leaned towards GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator ...... no one saw it, both NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had fallen asleep and the two gentlemen were standing outside smoking ..... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 tenderly put her hand on GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's knee, then she stood up and sat down beside her leaning her head against her shoulder while she again stared out over the landscape. Ridges welled forth and grew into small mountains and still new ones joined, strewn with villas. And soon everything was a multi-coloured crowd of villas, gardens and tenement houses between which large factory buildings pushed their way forward, streets opened like corridors and channels between the rows of houses that grew and became taller and filled with teeming life, trams, automobiles, and people, shrill advertisements on big, wide gables, rails meeting and crossing on both sides, trains with endless rows of wagons, stations, now on the right, now on the lefthand side, and still the train slid on shaking and wobbling each time it passed over a sidetrack ......

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Then it stopped.

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 had woken up.

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"How far are we now?"

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"It's the next station," NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 answered and woke up GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator.

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As the train started moving again all three stood at the window.

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Now they rode on a long bridge across a riverElbe River (historical), river in Central Europe that runs through Dresden whose wide dark stream separated the two banksThe banks of the Elbe River (historical); a river in Central Europe that runs through Dresden like an endless, glistening silk ribbon. And like a mirage LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 saw green domes, towers, church roofs, castles and palaces appear beyond the sparkling water. It was
[Page 104]
as beautiful as a fairy tale that had been forgotten and once again returns ... her fairy tale! ...... She could not let go of the sight, and she saw that it was not a vision, this big beautiful, royal cityDresden (historical), city in Germany which on both sides of the ElbeThe banks of the Elbe River (historical); a river in Central Europe that runs through Dresden extended from the wide valley over the mountain sides up towards the gentle blue sky.

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She knelt down on the seat, stared out and drank in the sight, it was the goal of her pilgrimage, the city she so fervently and with so much pain had longed forDresden (historical), city in Germany. And her eyes became big and heavy. She had to close them while she pressed her hands against her beating heart. Gentle, blissful tears streamed down her cheeks ...... This was the miracle! Here her poor tormented life would finally find its delivery. Her whole mind was overwhelmed by an infinite feeling of happiness.

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"Now I come home ......now I finally come home!"

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And she cried and cried.

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 put his hand on her shoulder:

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"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931!" he said comfortingly.

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But she shook her head:

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"I am just crying from joy."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was moved. She could not find anything to say, and she also began to cry.

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None of them saw the surprised looks that were exchanged between the two gentlemen who were in the process of gathering their luggage and with a silent nod left the compartment.

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How LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had come out of the train and, in one of DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany's green automobiles, made her entry through the city never reached into her memory. She only knew that during the long drive through the streets she had clutched the little Spanish silver Madonna pressed against her lips, and again and again she stammered before her: "He will help me ...... help me ...... help me ......" -@Editor: PLC

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It was a long way ...... The streets were already behind them and they were out in the residential area. Suddenly they passed an impressively situated tall building and just after it the car turned a corner. Tall silver bright birches raised their filigree light branches over a garden wall, behind which lay a large and dignified grey complex of buildings formed by many adjoining wings with towers on them.

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"Stop, stop, here it is!" LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 exclaimed.

Page 105
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The next moment the car stopped in front of a portal over which was written in capital letters:

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STAATLICHE FRAUENKLINIKMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." -@Editor: PLC

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"How did you know?" GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 asked as with one voice as they helped LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 out of the carriage.

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"I felt that it had to be here," she answered faintly, "but you have to help me, I have to lean on you ...... my legs give way ...... I have a feeling that I am about to faint ...... now, when I have finally come home ...... after the long and difficult journey."

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 pulled the bell cord and when they heard the sound of the gate bell, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 turned pale as death. It was as if it were in her own heart that the bell sounded.

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From the window of the porter's lodge a sister dressed in white asked them:

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"Is it for the private clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948."? Then you must turn right through the garden."

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It was already late in the afternoon. A hazy and humid light fell from the sky that was heavy with rain over the big garden, whose slender birch stems stretched themselves on green lawns.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 walked in front.

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"Look at her," NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 whispered to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, "she walks as if she knew everything and she has never been here before."

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Like a sleepwalker LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 strode along and as if in a dream, she found the entrance to the private clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.".

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Now she was finally at home.

Page 106

XIV.

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In the door to the private clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." stood an elderly nurse dressed in whiteMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female embracing a lady. This was LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's first impression of the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." which she kept ...... because it was the right one.

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The elderly nurse was the matronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female and she was taking leave of a patient.

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Then she received the three foreigners with great kindness and led them into a long hospital corridor. Twilight had already begun and through the greenish panes of a large glass door at the end of the corridor a soft light, that made one think of a deep forest lake, fell into the corridor and was reflected in the shiny parquet floor and the many white-painted doors.

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"The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist will be here shortly," the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female said.

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Close to the large double door there were some armchairs around a small table with a lighted lamp. There a doctor was standing in a white coat talking to a couple of ladies.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator grabbed LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's hands.

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"Is that Professor Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist?" she asked in a whisper.

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"No, you are mistaken," NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 objected, "you have never seen him and this must probably be one of the assistant doctors ...... he looks far too young."

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"No, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator is right, it is Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist," LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 answered with a tremble in her voice.

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As the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist accompanied the ladies to his office, he stopped for a moment to say hello to the newly arrived guests with ceremonial courtesy and asked them to take a seat. They sat down at the small table. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was completely dumb, she heard nothing and saw nothing. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 talked about unimportant things ...... White nurses came and went and greeted the three strangers in passing.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 still saw nothing and heard nothing.

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Only when the door to the office was opened, and the two ladies
[Page 107]
were followed out by the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist she awoke again to consciousness.

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The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female signalled to them and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 took LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's hand to lead her in. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator remained sitting in the armchair.

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Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had only seen AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter once in ParisParis (historical), capital of France, and that was some months ago now. Today he was facing LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 for the first time, but he greeted her with recognition at once. He accompanied them into the office, after which he returned to introduce himself to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 who had suddenly become calm looked around the room. It was a large room, a study resembling an operating room. In front of the tall window through which there was a glorious view to the garden with the white birches, there was an examination table and against one of the walls a desk littered with papers. Everything in the room was dazzlingly white.

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When the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist came back, he sat down right across from LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.

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She started somewhat insecurely to talk about her stay in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany, but he interrupted her with a sudden question, and a smile spread over his stern face:

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"Has Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional), also Arno; possibly modeled on Arthur Weil, who invented a bold test and worked at Magnus Hirschfeld’s Institute in Berlin informed you of the results of the chemical and microscopic examinations?"

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"No, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist."

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"Hasn't he! Then I can give you the pleasant message that the examinations that have been carried out have shown a favourable result, they confirm all our assumptions."

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And from some quickly dropped factual remarks, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 understood that he knew all the details of the operation she had undergone in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany much better than herself. She breathed a sigh of relief ...... then she did not have to make explanations.

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She sat quite still not daring to move to listen to the strange, veiled voice. She had the feeling that she had suddenly become infinitely happy. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist spoke to her very sympathetically, he questioned her about everything that concerned her so that she eventually became quite tired ...... She started to talk about her experience with Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional), historical figure unknown, but she accidentally looked up and her eyes looked into the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's which were both light and dark at the same time ...... Only for a moment she endured his eyes then
[Page 108]
the words died away on her lips, and she could no longer think of anything to say. As in a flash she recalled that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter in ParisParis (historical), capital of France without any inhibition had talked with the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. Why was she not able to do that?

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Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist gave her an inquiring look as if he expected her to continue her story but when it did not happen, he broke the silence:

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"You will be going here to the private clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.", but quite unexpectedly all places have been taken at the moment. Incidentally, that will do no harm as I have to wait a while with the operation anyway. The important thing is to secure the necessary material, by that I mean the fresh glands that are to give you new life ......"

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At these words LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 started and blushed scarlet. She did not know where to look, that is how ashamed she felt. She was both embarrassed and confused.

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The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist did not seem to notice it at all and he continued in the same factual tone:

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"Besides, it won't do you any harm to spend a few more days at a hotel. You can see the city and visit our museums ...... by the way, you can also paint ...... I'm certain that you will be able to find many subjects that you will like ..... It will do you good to think of something else and enter a completely different circle of ideas."

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had the feeling that she had lost any support. The thought that she could not immediately be admitted to the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." but that she had to spend several days at a hotel seemed quite unbearable to her. She would ask the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist if she could not stay, she would try to change his decision but she was not able to. She looked at him helplessly and could not answer anything but:

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"Yes, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist."

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That was the end of the interview. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist held out his hand and went with her out to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator whom he gave the name of a hotel close to the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". Then he said a very formal goodbye to all three of them ...... And the next moment he had disappeared behind the door of the operating room.

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Quite beside herself, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 stood before GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. She had the impression that she had suffered a devastating defeat. A single
[Page 109]
glance from this man had quite overpowered her ...... She felt that he was so much stronger than herself that he had crushed her whole personality ...... destroyed her with a single glance. She seemed to herself as a schoolgirl who had been curtly dismissed by an idolized teacher. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's voice still sounded in her ears. She felt a strange weakness in all her limbs. She stood as in a fog and understood nothing of what went on around her ...... Only later ...... long afterwards, she realised when she thought back at this moment what had happened to her. It was the first time that her woman's heart had trembled before a lord and master ...... before the man she had chosen as her protector ...... and she grasped why she had immediately submitted to him and his will ......

– – –

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The hotel, which Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had pointed out to them, was in a large square surrounded by trees. Behind the hotel there was a large garden. It was a quiet and distinguished house just under ten minutes from the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.".

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had a large, bright room facing the square. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 settled into a room to the other side. These were heavy and sad days for LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. She could not comprehend that she could not immediately enter the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". She almost felt convinced that Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had found her disagreeable ...... that she had seemed so repulsive to him that he had become disgusted with her.

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And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator entered in her diary:

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"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 has completely lost courage. She thinks that the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist only sees AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter in her, that is, a disguised man. She imagines that she is so hideous and unattractive that any normal person must feel aversion to her. She cries incessantly. A few times we have gone out to get a breath of fresh air, but she is controlled by her obsession to such an extent that she believes she reads a confirmation of Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's dislike of her in the glance of every passer-by. It is obvious that we foreigners attract a certain amount of attention here in DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany, but LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 thinks that is only because of her.

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— —And what has put her completely beside herself is that the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist suggested that she should pass time painting. That was, she says, the most terrible thing he could demand of her. Everything
[Page 110]
that is connected to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter is detested by her and especially the thought of painting ...... She believes that she cannot quite free herself from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, if she does any of the things that he used to do. And his art seems to her to be the worst of all. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist ought to know that, she claims, or perhaps his intention with this remark had been to let her understand that he did not see anything in her but AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, a disguised man."

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A few days later GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator added in her diary:

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 is probably quite right when he says that what the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist is doing with LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 must be regarded as a kind of mental modelling that is to precede the physical transformation. So far LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 has been like a lump of clay that others have worked with and that the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist himself with just a fleeting touch has already given life ...... and shape ...... but until now, he believes, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's femininity lies only on the surface ...... It is not yet quite genuine, because it has not penetrated in depth ...... With a single glance yesterday he has made her heart come to life, a life imbued with all female instincts ...... The more I think about it, the more decisively I have to agree with NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 ...... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 is still very quiet and, as it were, enclosed in herself. She still sometimes cries quietly to herself, but it is the longing that makes her cry ...... She doesn't know herself what is going on in her, and I can't do anything but be patient with her and encourage her with good words."

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The next page brings the following observation:

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"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 said to me tonight: 'It is probably unfair when I think about AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter with bitterness, but now and then I have to think of him anyway, and then I do not know what to call him ...... I think I must call him "my dead brother". I shall have to get used to that. I have to get used to the idea that he is really dead so that it no longer enters my thoughts at all that he and I have lived in the same body. I have to feel as a certainty that it belongs to me alone'.

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And later she said:

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'Perhaps I am AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' killer and this thought pains me terribly because I feel that I am worth less than he was. He had a creative nature ...... he was a painter and he had a considerable achievement behind him. That is precisely why I fear
[Page 111]
that it will appear that I will never be able to contribute anything. Imagine if I really tried to paint, and then realised that my talent could not compare with his, then it would seem so oppressive to me that it would drive me to suicide ......'.

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And then she suddenly said:

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'GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, I see in my mind AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' clothes that we left behind in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany ...... every single garment I see ...... all of last night I lay awake thinking about it ...... and I was afraid to accidentally fall asleep again ...... Suppose, I saw myself in AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' clothes again in my dreams!'" ......

– – –

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Thus a whole week passed. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was still submerged in a deep melancholy that turned into panic when one morning she had a few letters forwarded from FrauenklinikMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." that had come from CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark and were addressed to the painter Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter ...... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 felt completely compromised because these letters, which were addressed to a man, had been sent to the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." that was intended only for women. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 did not even dare to touch the letters. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had to read them, and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 had to burn them. Now LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 felt completely convinced that she would never enter Professor Kreutz's women's clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.".

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"Those letters have made it completely impossible for me ...... let us rather quietly leave here and find a place where I can die in peace ......" she asked with tears in her eyes determined to disappear into the great void.

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But finally salvation came in the form of a message from the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." that now a room was available. Immediately LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 left the hotel, and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator followed her silent and quiet the short way to FrauenklinikMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.".

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When LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 wandered through the garden with the bright birches again, she had the feeling that she had reached the promised land.

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The following day NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 went back to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany.

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XV.

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Many times LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 tried to relive the first moments she spent at FrauenklinikMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.", and each time she felt the immense quiet again which had suddenly fallen over her turbulent mind. The glorious hope had lifted her up towards an invisible vault like a hymn by BachBach (historical), Johann Sebastian Bach (1685–1750), a German composer sung by angels' high voices.

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All fear and anxiety had left her. Her own life seemed so insignificant to her, so worthless. A vague feeling filled her with awe, a feeling of being privy to something new and magnificent ...... something more important and greater than anything else, something that rose far above all other human fates. She appeared to herself as someone chosen, she had been selected for a pain and a pleasure that no one yet had lived through.

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A white sick room, toned by the green tinge from the garden outside. A white bed. On a white table mysterious instruments under an elongated glass globe. Everywhere a smell of ether and formaldehyde. A visit by the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female, the sturdy, healthy, maternal woman in the white nurse's uniform with the starched cap on the silver grey hair. Now and then a distant sound that could be heard through the double door slowly died away. Ambulances driving by. In the white room GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator ..... Now and then subdued voices and soft steps. The door is opened, a slim figure in a white coat enters and remains standing in the room.

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Of this first visit by Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 has only kept a faint almost musical recollection ...... A voice. A vision. What he said to her she no longer knows ...... But from the moment he stood before her in the white sick room every burden was lifted from her soul ...... Everything was hope and certainty.

– – –

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Under the birches in the big garden LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was waiting. In one of the next few days everything would be ready for the operation. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had said so.

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The white trees shone like silver against the shiny, green lawns. The interlacing branches were suffused by a reddish glow in the grey, shimmering air. Here and there hedges and shrubbery, still naked, waiting for their suit of foliage. Some willows with silky catkins, brown and reddish flower buds that were already beginning to turn yellow. Around the paths many benches. Nurses dressed in white walked around on their lunch break and nodded at LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. And in the middle of the big garden a crowd of young, pregnant women. They laughed and they were happy. In their blue hospital gowns, they looked like big crocuses in full bloom.

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"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator said, "now I understand what NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938 said, this is the first spring ...... Everything here is full of expectation."

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Suddenly a tall slim man in a white coat walked through the park followed by an assistant doctor and a whisper passed from mouth to mouth: "The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist!" ...... Everyone stopped and followed him with their eyes.

– – –

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Then the large tower clock of the clinic struck six. It is about time to go back to the room. The park is already in twilight. Arm in arm LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator walk to the big building. The light is on in the broad, white corridor, young nurses are busy bringing the supper around to the patients. Directly opposite the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's office is the office of the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female. A voice sounds through the open door, and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 starts. Frightened, she drags GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator around the corner and into the cross corridor where her room is.

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"What is the matter?" GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator asks.

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"Hurry," LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 whispers back to her and slips into her room. An inexplicable fear seizes her when she hears the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's voice ...... She feels like a schoolgirl who is afraid of her teacher.

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The next evening, when LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had gone to bed, she was subjected to all the preparations preceding an operation while GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator sat beside her smiling and trying to encourage her. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had already that morning announced that a young woman whose sexual glands would be suitable for transplantation would be operated on early the next morning.

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Happy and moved, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 said goodnight to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. Then she lay awake for several hours and stared into the white room where
[Page 114]
the bedside lamp spread a soft light. Sister HannaHanna (fictional), no known historical model, who was young and beautiful, sat beside her and talked to her for a long time until she put the sleeping medicine on the bedside table and disappeared.

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But LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 did not take the medicine, she did not want to sleep ...... she was afraid of sleeping too long ...... She wanted to be awake ...... completely awake for what she was to experience the next morning.

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Not a sound was heard in the corridor. Everything was absorbed by the stillness of the night ...... LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's thoughts were like a smile ...... She had the impression that she no longer had any responsibility for herself and her fate. Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had lifted the responsibility from her ...... She no longer had any will either ...... this too she had placed on the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist.

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Suddenly she thought of the past ...... in ParisParis (historical), capital of France ...... but the next moment she dismissed the thought ...... she had no past ...... everything that had once been belonged to the missing person, to someone who was gone ...... who was dead ...... How completely different Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had been ...... completely different from her – she was just a humble little woman ready to obey, happy to submit to the will of another. Again the tower clock sounded ...... many times she heard its tones in the course of the night.

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When the first light came through the curtains, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 lay fully awake in her bed. At first it was six o'clock and at seven o'clock Sister HannaHanna (fictional), no known historical model came in to make her ready for the operation ...... And then there was a long, long wait ...... she hardly dared move. Intently she listened for every footstep in the corridor, for every voice that came in to her, every sound ...... but no one stopped outside her door ...... had she been forgotten?

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Finally, someone came. It was the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female. Smiling, she sat beside her, took her hand maternally and as gently as possible she conveyed to her that they had to wait for a few more days ...... it had turned out that the woman who had been operated on had not been able to provide "a suitable material."

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The disappointment and the tension would have been released in tears if the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female had not hastened to give her the other and more pleasant piece of information that she was to be moved to a new
[Page 115]
room that had a large window facing the garden and where there was morning sun.

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When GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator a few moments later appeared to hear how it had gone, they immediately got to work on the move.

– – –

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And again they walked arm in arm around the garden where everything had quickly become homelike and familiar to them. They knew all the nurses now and gratefully answered their morning greeting. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 happily smiled to the young pregnant women in the crocus blue gowns. Now and then a young doctor passed by and also wished them a good morning.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was happy. Here she walked around quite naturally like a young woman among other young women. She was a person who had no past. Had she ever looked different? ...... She had to smile. And suddenly she pictured AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter when he had watched the elegantly dressed ladies in ParisParis (historical), capital of France and almost envied them their elegance ...... "How clumsy and tasteless are the clothes that we men walk around in!" he had said.

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Now all this was over – released ...... and this was the result of just a gesture from the master, her creator, the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. There was no AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter anymore and he would never, never return. Now Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist stood between him and her, and she felt guarded and protected.

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Here in this small state within the state the men ruled absolutely – led by the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female was the only exception because she had much, very much influence. Despite her maternal good nature she was an extraordinarily authoritative lady whose energetic profile under the silver grey hair could be reminiscent of the BourbonsBourbons (historical), royal family who ruled France for two centuries in their heyday. An immense respect emanated from her as she was the only creature here at the FrauenklinikMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." who was to some extent on confidential terms with the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. One morning she stopped LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 out in the garden and told her that now it would probably not be long ...... perhaps the operation would take place as early as tomorrow, or at least the day after tomorrow.

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"Tell me," LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 asked, "why exactly do you remove the sexual glands from a woman when they are perfectly healthy?"

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"It would take too long to explain it to you," the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female answered. "You do not have the necessary anatomical knowledge
[Page 116]
to understand it. But you can set your mind at rest! The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist knows exactly what he does. Just let him do to you what he thinks is right ...... Besides you don't have to be anxious, it's only a very small operation."

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 laughed:

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"I'm not afraid at all, Sister. In BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany they also told me that it was just a very small procedure, and afterwards I was told that I had been on the operating table for almost an hour and a half ...... as to whether this new operation is dangerous or not, I don't give a thought ...... I have not come here to die ...... I feel that ...... for that I don't need the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's help."

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The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female gave her a hug:

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"You only have reason to be happy, little Mrs. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 -@Translator: MO, for the glands that the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist will transplant into you will give you new vitality and new youth ...... The woman from whom they come is scarcely twenty seven years old."

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's voice trembled with emotion:

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"Is it true? ...... is it really true? ...... Does a woman's age depend entirely on her sexual glands? Is that really the only thing that matters? ...... Is it true?"

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The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female laughed and patted LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's cheek:

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"How curious you are! ...... If you won't believe me, you can ask the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist."

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"Yes, of course ...... why haven't I done so long ago? ...... I'll ask him this very evening ......"

– – –

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When the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female asked LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 the next morning if the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had satisfied her curiosity, she said embarrassed:

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"No, I completely forgot about it ......"

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The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female wagged her finger threateningly:

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"Why do you not honestly say that you didn't have the courage?"

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"No, I didn't," LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 admitted.

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The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female laughed:

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"You need not be ashamed of that, why should you be different from all the other patients?"

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XVI.

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Two days later GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator filled many pages in her diary. That day the big, fateful operation had been performed on LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, and it was already late in the night when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator wrote:

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"Already at nine o'clock this morning, I was at the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". Last night the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had told me that the crucial operation would take place this morning. Cautiously I put my head in at LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's door. She lay in a white nightdress in her white bed sleeping quietly. She had been given a morphine injection. Carefully I retreated to the corridor where the sisters stood waiting for the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist. Sister FriedaMargaret (fictional), no known historical model -@Editor: PLC came out from the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's office; she was pushing a trolley with ether bottles, cotton wool, and instruments, which were covered by glass, in front of her. The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female appeared and gave an inspecting glance around her. In the operating room I caught a glimpse of the assistant doctor and a couple of young doctors' assistants. Everyone whispered. There was a strange silence over the wide white clinic hallway, and through the high windows through which you could see the naked trees of the park, a greenish light fell. The wing where the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's residence lay was illuminated by the morning sun. All eyes were directed at it.

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"Now we are only waiting for the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist," a small nurse said softly to me.

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I could hardly control my excitement ...... I too stared as if spellbound out of the window towards the residence of the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist.

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Suddenly there was movement among the sisters. Instinctively I reached for the small sister's hand ...... Everything trembled inside me. I saw the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist walking towards the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." at a brisk pace, and the next moment, I heard his calm correct voice say: "Good morning."

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He was very reserved and unapproachable although we otherwise used to talk to each other in a friendly manner. I dared not say anything to him nor follow him when he disappeared
[Page 118]
with the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female into LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's room. He looked like a general immediately before a decisive battle. I stood in the open door facing the garden. The morning sun streamed over me. I think I was very pale. The air was so warm from the spring. A few birds were chirping in the birches. There was a reddish light over the tree tops and very softly the wind, which smelled of grass and soil, was carried towards me and mixed with the pungent hospital odour.

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Then the door to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's room was opened slightly, and a hand was held out. Sister FriedaFrieda (fictional), no known historical model, who was standing right by the door, quickly took a bottle of ether from the trolley and gave it to the hand after which the door was silently closed again. Little by little a sweetish smell of ether leaked out to us and replaced all other smells. I had a feeling that I was about to lose consciousness. Then the door was opened wide and the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist and the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female came out. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist took my hand and looked into my eyes.

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"Don't be afraid," he said reassuringly and disappeared down the wide corridor.

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A few more minutes passed, then LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's bed was rolled out by two nurses. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was lying under a white sheet, but I could not see her face which was hidden under an ether mask ...... And already the white procession had slid past me and was far down the corridor. Then it disappeared into the operating room.

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How long would it take? I kept saying to myself: You must not think ...... not think ...... You just have to let the time pass ...... What were they doing to this poor soul now? How would LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 be returned to me? To herself ...... to life? ...... She had looked forward to this moment as to a party ...... It was a miracle which was about to happen to her. Would it be a success?

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I could not stand it but went out into the garden and walked restlessly round and round on the paths. I crossed through the park in all directions ...... I could not find rest. I went back to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's room. All the windows were open and spring was pouring in. But I could not stand it there either. Finally I sat down in an armchair in the corridor and waited. Here I could see everything that went on, it was so quiet here ...... Now LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was under the master's
[Page 119]
knife. No, I felt no fear. I trusted him as blindly as LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 did.

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I deliberately concentrated all thoughts on this man whom I had tried to paint during the last days. I felt within me a strong urge to capture his head in a portrait. What was that strange power that emanated from him? Here at the woman's clinic he was a god that everyone feared, everyone revered. Wherein did his power consist? I sought to recall his face. Was he really beautiful? No, but strange ...... There was not one single really beautiful feature in his face...... even his eyes were irregularly placed ...... and yet it made a distinctly harmonious impression. It was as though it was a condensed power. For days I had tried to capture this face and preserve it in numerous sketches. I already knew all his positions, each of his movements. In this armchair I had been sitting daily making my observations. His office was directly opposite. I was closely acquainted with the times when he came and went ...... his visiting hours ...... when he was on the way to the operating room ......

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I had to close my eyes to collect my thoughts. Clearly, I saw before me his slim back in the well-stitched white coat. I saw the hard jerk in his head when he threw his neck back. I pictured him when he came towards me with his hands stretched out and a smile across his stern face. Each time I saw this smile it was as if I wanted to cry. I had seen so many men smile ...... beautiful men, important men, and others ..... but not one of them had in my heart caused this urge to cry, this fear, this trembling. I could analyse my feelings quite clearly because not for a moment was I in love with him. And still I often fell asleep with tears in my eyes at the thought of this man.

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Yesterday, when I had gone for a walk in the strange city, I suddenly saw his smile before me among all the unknown people. And I said to myself: "With pleasure you could give your life for this man!" But where did this feeling come from and what did it mean? And I understood that I was only one of the many believers, that I believed in this man, believed in him as the one who was capable of everything, was able to do anything, as the one who had it in his power to help. And as I sat there in the armchair and waited, I realised that my feeling for him was
[Page 120]
exactly the same as the one that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 carried for him deep in her heart ...... perhaps it only slumbered in her, for she has not yet emerged from her twilight state and reached consciousness of herself ...... "The first spring" ...... the words sounded in me again. Would LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 really experience that?

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That was how I sat with my eyes half closed when the door to the operating room suddenly opened and Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist came towards me. He was wearing a large rubber apron and his steps were tired, he gave me both his hands and looked at me with a smile that shone with kindness.

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"Everything has gone well," he said.

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I grabbed his hands and could only stammer one word:

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"Thank you, oh thank you!"

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Only many hours later I learned what had happened in there. I cannot possibly explain it – express it in words ...... A man born as a boy, who has been my friend, my husband, my companion, has now become a woman, fully a woman ...... For years this person has dragged on his existence next to me like a sacrificial animal until the great doctor promised him his help. And now he had shed his blood under the knife of his helper ...... His poor tormented body had been opened and what no human power of imagination had thought possible was established. Inside him a pair of stunted female sexual glands were found that had not been able to grow and thrive because an enigmatic fate had also given him other, male glands. This was the secret of his double being which no doctor had wanted to acknowledge until Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, already in ParisParis (historical), capital of France with the look of a seer, had solved the mystery ...... the mystery whose solution was now open to everyone ...... I cannot say it in any other way.

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And now this person, chained by destiny, has been liberated from everything that obstructed the natural development of her being. Now this being has been given blood that flows through the heart and that was a woman's blood, a new power through an unknown young woman's fresh and healthy glands ...... And finally this tormented body has been patched up with threads and with clamps, and now nothing, nothing at all, is left of the friend that has followed me through so many years, of my little companion
[Page 121]
of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. Now he is only LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's dead brother. And she with whom he shared his body and his blood, she lives on. And yet, in spite of everything, in spite of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' complete destruction, and in spite of the new being who will now emerge, released from all its pain and all its distress, I have a feeling that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter still lives somewhere out in the world, and that I am still his wife in the eyes of the law. Who is able to grasp this terrible, this fantastic, this incredible thing that has happened? ...... The poor tormented creature who has paid for her release with her blood and her pain, now lies shrouded in the merciful mists of morphine. What will life bring her now? Will the miracle that the doctor has made with his art be great and strong enough to carry her on through life? ......Through LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's life? Have we not all been a means in the hand of fate? Not least I ...... Was it not me who in youthful playfulness brought out LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 in AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter? Was it not me who again and again amused myself with this game until it became serious ...... enigmatically, fatefully serious? ...... No, I will not think about it anymore ...... Because there is only one single person in the world I can talk to about this, and that is Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's very best friend ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, who has always believed in her ...... How will he find her again now?"

– – –

Page 122

XVII.

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It was not much that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 knew about these days that she calls the first days after her true birth. When she opened her eyes the first time, she saw a few rays of sun stealing through the crack between the drawn curtains. Then her eyes closed again and she slept long and heavily.

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It was as if she had been dreaming. To the left of the bed, she had dimly seen the outline of the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's shape and beside him the staff doctor. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had walked up to her bed and said:

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"You still have all your teeth? No false ones?"

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"No, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist," she answered and found it difficult to suppress a smile.

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Then the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had ordered her to count:

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"In Danish or in French ...... it doesn't matter."

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And she had started to count in German ...... One, two, three ......

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Then he had put the ether mask over her. She had had difficulty breathing but she had continued her counting:

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"Four ...... five ...... six ...... seven."

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It had become harder and harder and the numbers came more and more slowly ...... She had reached eighteen ....... but then she was not able to continue and now she heard the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist count on:

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"Twenty ...... twenty-one ....... twenty-two ...... twenty ......

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His voice had resounded like the sound of bells in her ears ...... stronger and stronger, everything else drowned in the sound ...... and her consciousness faded away ......

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Was it really a dream? Or had she been anaesthetised? But why had she been left lying here without being operated on? Left lying here until she woke up with the disgusting taste of ether in her mouth ...... "Do you have any false teeth?" ...... She heard the question again ..... and again she had to
[Page 123]
laugh, but the laughter caused her a terrible pain. With a cry of terror she opened her eyes.

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The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female stood beside her, laughed and said:

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"It's all over! ...... And everything went well ....... Now everything will be all right."

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But LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had already closed her eyes again. And when she woke up again, woken by pains that became more and more excruciating, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was standing next to her with a bouquet of dusty pink tulips ....... A nurse came and gave her an injection and she fell asleep again. The next time that she regained consciousness the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist was there and held her hand. He said something to her, but she did not understand it ...... She only saw his eyes ...... then she sank into sleep again.

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All this day and the night too faded away in a morphine haze. When she woke up the pains were there again, but when the pains were there, there was also a nurse with a syringe of morphine. She felt a burning thirst and wet cotton wool was laid over her mouth ... But the injection also made her forget the thirst.

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Then morning came. Everything really had gone well. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was almost free from fever ...... and she soon fell into a calm and natural sleep. The following days passed subdued and distant as in a fog. If she had pains she was immediately given a sedative. And when she opened her eyes, she could lie quite calmly and quietly staring into space as if surprised by everything that had happened to her. She gradually grew accustomed to the pains too. She told herself that they were the price she had to pay for what had been given her: Life, a life as a woman. Everything was wonderful and good and full of hope. Her white room at the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." seemed to her to be paradise and the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist was the guardian of this paradise. Morning and evening he came on a short visit. The rest of the time was spent waiting for him.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator remained close all these days. In front of the door to the garden she sat painting the white birches and the road winding through the park. But as soon as she saw the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist arrive she hurried in to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.

‒ ‒ ‒

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was only afraid of the nights. Then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was n ot there and all the flowers she had received had been taken away. Flowers had arrived from ParisParis (historical), capital of France, from ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques, and from ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 ......
[Page 124]
A couple of letters had also arrived and these letters were her only company for the long, long nights ...... The letters ...... the tower clock striking the hour ...... and the pains ...... During the night they turned up regularly ...... Her bed was transformed into a glowing furnace and she was soaked in sweat ...... The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had ordered that she should sleep. But she was not allowed any more morphine. She was given other sedatives but they only worked for a few hours. The rest of the time she lay listening for the first sounds that were a sign that the day was about to begin again.

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One night she had a terrible nightmare:

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"She walked in the garden outside under the birch trees. It was spring and everything was young ...... Then she saw a figure slowly creeping over the garden wall, a scary creature, half bear and half man. With crazy eyes and with a rutting animal desire this creature stared at her ...... Terrified she ran away ...... And then it was suddenly night and she lay in her bed when she heard the door creak and saw it open slowly. First the hideous head with the crazy animal eyes appeared and then the same clumsy bear body that had rolled itself over the garden wall. The monster was wrapped in a wide light brown cloak and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 saw that one of the pockets was filled with surgical instruments ...... The disgusting creature approached the bed and she sensed an abominable animal stench. She tried to scream but fear paralysed her voice. She wanted to jump out of bed and escape but she was unable to move a limb. Under one arm the monster held a parcel wrapped in newspaper and it put the parcel on her bedside table. A cold sweat of fear broke out on LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's forehead when she saw that the paper had opened and that the parcel contained a woman's head. Large drops of blood slowly dripped from the parcel and each drop fell with a dull sound on the floor. The monster sat down on the edge of the bed and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 secretly searched for the bell under the blanket. She rang with all her strength and her ringing sounded like an alarm in the quiet corridor. The monster stared hard at her and said: 'Don't be afraid ...... I'll only perform a small operation on you. It is my speciality to give people new heads and here I have a freshly cut, new and fine head. I'll put that on instead of your own ...... Don't worry ...... I don't even have to give you an anaesthetic ...... I'll cut
[Page 125]
quite slowly ......' Then the door opened and a young nurse entered. When she saw the monster and the bloody head she sank to the floor fainting. The monster turned around and looked at the unconscious woman lying next to the door. At that very moment LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 discovered a long, pointed instrument sticking up from the cloak pocket with the other instruments. With a quick jerk she snatched it and thrust it into the monster's chest. For a second the monster stared at her with a horrible look, like an animal that has gone mad. Then it rushed at her, tore the blanket from her bed and ripped the dressing from her wounds so the blood streamed out. The heavy body fell down on her and wild from terror and pain she fainted. When she regained consciousness, the monster was lying heavily across her body, the cut off head grinned hideously at the bedside table and the fainted nurse lay in her white clothes like a white puddle in front of the open door. Out in the hall everything was dark and quiet and the drops of blood still hit the floor with the same dull sound. And LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 screamed and screamed, whimpered and moaned and in the boundless quiet and emptiness of the night her scream resounded like a multiplied echo."

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Finally she woke up. Endless pains raged in her body. She rang the bell frantically. A couple of nurses who were on night duty rushed in. But it was a long time, a very long time, before they succeeded in calming LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 down. -@Editor: PLC

‒ ‒ ‒

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Even after this terrible night, morning came again. It was a beautiful day and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 devoted herself to her blissful waiting. She listened anxiously for every footstep. At a long distance she was able to distinguish the steps of her benefactor from everyone else's. But they did not always stop at her door. Other patients needed him, but she waited patiently until her turn came. Here at Frauenklinik everyone waited for him. They all had to share him and each had her share. She too. If he smiled, she forgot all her pains. But there were also moments when he could be very strict. Then she felt a mysterious fear of him. She understood that he was quite different to her than he had then been to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. Not with a single word did he allude to the past. Was she really only LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to him? Had he forgotten everything else? Sometimes
[Page 126]
she felt an urge to ask him about it. But she did not dare.

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For hours she could lie pondering on this often recurring question. She felt that he had taken her will from her. She felt how by alternating mildness and authority he made every female string in her vibrate. Did he not call every female primitive instinct to life in her? She felt the transformation that was performed in her every day. It was a new life. It was a new youth. It was her youth that liberated, dawned in her. And she lay wondering and believing.

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Once she came to think of the strange dream AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had had shortly before he left ParisParis (historical), capital of France to travel to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. The white figure that stood between her and death and the bright grove of birches out there in space. The white figure had become larger and larger, it grew into a mighty guardian spirit whose large wings filled the world with its resounding sound ... Then LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 cried long and silently as only a young woman can cry.

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The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female came in. She did not ask why LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 cried. She took both her hands in hers. And when Professor Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist came she saw in his eyes that he understood what went on inside her. He read her as an open book.

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She felt infinitely small and to everything he said she had only one answer:

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"Yes, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist! ...... No, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist!" -@Editor: PLC

Page 127

XVIII.

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Spring, the great wonder of Nature, also came to her aid. For many days yet she was confined to her bed. But with each new day her health returned. The pains decreased. Everything took a normal course. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist was satisfied with her. She was still tremendously exhausted. That was probably why her thoughts lay as if behind a veil, and she spent most of the day dreaming and withdrawn in herself. The world outside did not concern her ...... She did not think about its existence, at all. Newspapers and books were brought to her but she let them lie without touching them. She had only one wish, that she could stay here, live the rest of her life in this peaceful clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.".

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And if, once in a while, she remembered that one day she would have to return to life out there on the other side of the garden wall that protected the large and quiet building, she was overwhelmed by a boundless fear. And then the wish arose in her of becoming a nurse, of staying here in the safety of this peace and gather strength until she was once able to help other women find the same peace. Now and then she spoke to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female or to the nurses about it. But they just nodded. Once she asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator if she could not talk to the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist about it.

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"Yes, you can do that," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator said.

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But immediately she was overwhelmed by a new fear.

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"What if the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist says no? Perhaps I'll never have enough strength for it? Or if he says that is not the reason why he has helped me?"

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator could not answer her.

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For many nights LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 struggled with other plans that could give her refuge from the fear she had of the world outside. What if she entered a convent? ...... She already saw herself as a sister in an isolated monastery, far from the usual tourist
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trails somewhere in ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome., SpainSpain is a European country on the Iberian Peninsula whose capital is Madrid. or Southern GermanySouthern German (historical), Germany is a western European country. We had to distinguish South Germany from Germany because in some languages South Germany is one word and can signify a specific region with its unique identity.. And no one there would learn where she came from or how her fate had turned out ...... no one ...... For long periods she could lie crying for fear of life outside, this life that she felt as an enemy ...... There her secret would quickly be discovered and she would be regarded as a phenomenon. Her fate would be discussed and she would be stared at ...... she would not be left alone ...... The healthier her body became, the stronger her fear of the future among people became. But she no longer dared to talk to others about it.

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Finally the morning came when she was allowed to leave the sick room for the first time. In a deck chair she was wheeled out into the warm, sunny April morning. She was put on the lawn. It was her first carefree and happy day. She felt like a newborn. Her mind was fresh and full of wonder. She saw every insect that flew in the blue summer air and followed its flight from tree to tree. The white spring flowers under the hedges and in the beds were like a message to her. With attentive eyes she contemplated a magnolia tree that presented its big shiny buds in the light. On a twig two birds were cooing. And LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 closed her eyes. A light breeze played among the white birches, and the spring soil breathed sweetly and warmly. Somewhere a bird was singing ...... She did not want to open her eyes, just lie quite still and breathe everything in. This is how the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist found her.

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"You look so happy," he said and patted her lightly on the hand.

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My life is his work, she thought. I wish that I could thank him for this the first spring day of my life. Thank him because he has always been so merciful to me. But none of all this was said, she only felt it in her heart.

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"You look so happy," the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist repeated.

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And she answered:

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"Yes, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist."

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There were many more happy spring days. And finally the day also came when she could get up from her deck chair and walk her first steps through the garden on GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's or the nurse's arm.

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Everything was like before and yet everything was quite different. On every
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path she again met young, pregnant women – the blue crocuses she thought, smiling.

‒ ‒ ‒

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One morning even before she had gone into the park, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female came and presented her with a solemn looking sealed letter. It had come from BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. She opened it and was seized by a deep fascination ...... A few weeks ago the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had said to her that he would help her become what she should be, a woman, also in the eyes of the world. He had promised to write to the Danish embassy. And now she held a passport in her hand that was provided with her photograph and where the name was that she had chosen in gratitude towards the place where she had found herself: Lili Elbe.

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She sank down on a chair and whispered:

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"Let me be alone for a while."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female understood her and went outside. For a long time she stayed sitting on the chair without moving ...... Then slowly and hesitantly she walked out into the park and sat down on a bench standing right in the sun. Her passport ...... like a precious gift she held the small booklet with both her hands. It was the last day but one of April. In two days, it was the first of May ...... AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had kept his promise, he was dead and she lived ‒ Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.

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The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist came by. He sat next to her but they hardly talked. The next morning he came again and his voice was softer than usual. His stern face was radiant with goodness. He held both her hands and spoke to her. His words gave her new hope and new strength. In a few hours he was going to leave, she knew that, and he was to stay away for several weeks.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 pulled herself together and tried to thank him for everything he had done for her. But she could not find the words. And when he had gone she felt totally abandoned. Only one thing comforted her, that she was allowed to stay in this sanctuary that he had given her. That she could stay here and wait for his return.

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He was to travel to the South and when he was gone, everything became empty and desolate.

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When Easter was over, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator too said goodbye to her. She had to return to ParisParis (historical), capital of France for some weeks. It was a
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Monday morning. The car that was to drive GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator to the railway station stood outside the gate and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 walked her out. These were the first steps that she ventured — into life outside the wall.

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But when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was gone and she walked back through the garden alone she did not know what to do with herself.

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XIX.

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Many letters now travelled to ParisParis (historical), capital of France from LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and from GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.

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It was not much that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had to tell. One day passed for her like the other. Most of her time she spent in the park. She made her first friendships with some young women who expected their delivery, and she became privy to the great and small troubles of others. About her own troubles she was completely silent, and when she was questioned in a real woman's manner, she knew how to keep her secret. She felt most attached to a young woman who expected her first child and did not live happily with her husband. -@Editor: PLC She even spoke of divorce. Her husband scarcely sent her a few lines now and then. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 listened to her complaints and comforted her, and when the young woman asked LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 why she was not visited by her husband either, if she was perhaps divorced, she nodded in alarm.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was also on friendly terms with a young opera singer and she made her first walk out in the city with her. Probably the opera singer had heard from others that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 did not like to speak about her family circumstances and she was tactful enough not to ask.

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DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany was filled with spring. They spent many hours by the wide riverElbe River (historical), river in Central Europe that runs through Dresden that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had seen for the first time many weeks ago when she had come here from BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. How her life had changed in the short span of time! In each letter that she sent to ParisParis (historical), capital of France she wrote about the riverElbe River (historical), river in Central Europe that runs through Dresden. They were almost cheerful letters, full of carefree attitude and spring joy ... The letters LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had from ParisParis (historical), capital of France brought good news and encouraging words. Often GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator sent greetings from ElenaElena Rossini (fictional), modeled on Hélène Kann Allatini (1887-1943), friend of the Wegeners; author of Mosaiques and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional), modeled on Eric Allatini (1886–1943), friend of the Wegeners; married to Hélène Allatini, and from Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 dear and reassuring letters came ...... Days and weeks went by where LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 did not ask a single question. Every burden seemed to be lifted from her. Just stay here ...... never leave here. That was her only
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daily prayer. She forgot all her fear ...... she felt protected from all evil ...... she was like a plant that had been ruthlessly pulled up and now was back in a soil where it has taken root.

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Every night, at first frightened and shy but gradually more boldly, she contemplated her body, which caused her a sweet and secret joy. She saw how all the lines were rounded in female softness, the miracle was completed more and more. For a long time she could stand in front of the mirror and be delighted by her young woman's body. Flawless it shone towards her from the smooth surface of the mirror, but she dared not involve any human being on earth in the happiness she felt during these quiet hours.

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The last week in May the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist stood in front of her again one morning. She could tell by looking at him that he was pleased with his work. The whole of June went by.

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"Now you are strong enough," the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist declared one day, "that I dare submit you to a new operation."

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was surprised:

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"A new operation? Why on earth?"

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The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist looked at her seriously:

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"Are you afraid?"

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Alarmed LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 warded off the thought:

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"No, no, not at all."

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"Good," he said, "then don't ask. I just want to help you in order that the work be completely successful."

– – –

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A couple of days later, this operation too was over. New difficult and painful days came. The bed would no longer let go of her. Outside summer had begun and brought a lot of sun and many flowers to her. When again she was allowed to get up for the first time, she was so weak that she could not walk one step. Again she lay in the deck chair in the park. It was already July. The bees hummed from flower to flower and the birds chirped jubilantly in the swelling crowns of the trees. The birches now stood with their summer foliage, and when the wind rustled through them, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 thought that it sounded like the ringing of fine glass bells.

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Someone shouted her name:

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"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931!"

Page 133
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And the next moment GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was lying in LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's arms. Now happy days came. Every day, early in the morning GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator came and watched every step that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 once again began to take on the summery paths of the garden. For each new day, the patient began to blossom. Soon she could walk cheerfully around the park again free from all fatigue and pain. And like two good sisters GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 later went arm in arm on expeditions around DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany. One evening, when they returned after one of these trips, the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist walked up to them in the park.

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"Oh, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist ...... I feel so healthy, but ......" she stopped.

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"But what?"

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"Couldn't I stay here for a few more months? Then you are welcome to operate on me one more time."

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The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist shook his head and laughed:

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"No, now it is about time that you get out into the world and try your wings."

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That same evening LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 found a bird's nest. It hung up under the arch in the roofed passage that lead from the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's private residence to the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". A whole family of sparrows, father sparrow, mother sparrow chirped and the chicks cheeped. Perhaps it is a small family argument, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 thought, but suddenly one of the chicks fell out of the nest and remained lying on the ground. It flapped its wings a little and attempted to fly, but it could not. Its wings were not yet able to carry it. The parents had hurried out of the nest and fluttered around the chick while they cried in fear and perplexity. They could not get it back into the nest again. Then LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 went over to the chick and took it up in her hand, she could feel how its little heart was beating.

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Suddenly the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female stood beside her:

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"But why are you crying, Mrs. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 -@Translator: MO?"

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 silently held the chick toward her:

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"Look, it has fallen out of the nest and it can't fly ...... The parents can't help it ...... no one ...... no one can help it ...... It made me think of myself ...... I can't fly either ...... and now I have to leave the nest."

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She gave the little bird to the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female who fetched a ladder and put the bird back with its siblings in the nest.

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XX.

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The departure from the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." went much more smoothly than GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had dared to expect. When the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist said goodbye to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 she answered simply and naturally:

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"I thank you, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, not only for my life but also for the hope and all the confidence you have given me ...... I will try to live my life out there now ...... but if I am in distress, may I come back to you?"

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The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist pressed her hand:

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"Write to me where you are, how you are doing, and what you are doing. And should you need me you will always find refuge and friends here."

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Then she said goodbye to the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female and the other nurses who walked her out to the gate and watched her suitcases being loaded into the automobile while she wondered how simple and natural everything was now. How life, when you bring it out into daylight, is undramatic and uncomplicated. Through days and nights she had trembled before this departure and before life out there, and before she knew it, she already sat in the train with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator on her way to BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany. Only later, many months later, she realised how hard the transition had been from the quiet peace of the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." to the days she would live in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany again.

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Only then she also realised why she had been moved so abruptly from the paradise by the ElbeElbe River (historical), river in Central Europe that runs through Dresden to the noisiest of all cities.

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These days in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany were meant to be an experiment. They were meant to show if she had sufficient strength to take up life.

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They lived in a hotel right in the vicinity of the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." where she had been admitted as a man a few months ago, but she felt no urge to visit the places that marked a transitional
[Page 135]
stage that was now behind her. Nor did she feel any inclination to look up friends from those days.

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To live anonymously among the millions of the giant city, to walk around and watch others work until she was strong enough to seek her part in that work – that was, in the proper sense of the word, the meaning of this stay in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany . GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was not always with her on her walks through TiergartenTiergarten (historical), Berlin’s largest park, a popular meeting-place for homosexual men at the time, at museums, and through the noisy, teeming streets. On the contrary, she often asked if she could venture out into the crowds of the city alone and find her feet. Yes, that was just it: she had to find her feet, she had to show that she was able to take care of herself, to walk her way alone. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator let her do as she wanted. Secretly she was pleased with how LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, with each day that passed, concerned herself more and more with the big and small problems of daily life, even if she also knew that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 during these days in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany had to fight many difficult battles in her mind.

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And so it was. There were days when LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 walked around with a suffering and broken heart and when she felt oppressed by fear. It is so easy, she thought, to walk around with my anonymous fate here among all the complete strangers. But how will everything be when my anonymity ends, when I have to show myself in the circles where AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter used to move and where he belonged?

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She thought of her family in DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen.. Should she stay away from them? Was that not the easiest? Should she, who was a new person without a past and therefore, in reality, also without a family, not rather renounce everything that had the slightest connection to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter? Should she not forget her brothers and sisters and her friends, both at home in DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen. and in ParisParis (historical), capital of France, and start afresh? With such an unyielding fanaticism, she devoted herself to these thoughts that she eventually arrived at the question whether she should not also leave GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, leave her quietly and without many words. Or should she speak to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and as simply and naturally as possible try to explain to her that their ways had to part now? But scarcely had she asked herself this question before she was already frightened by it. Would life and the world around her not become far too empty and cold if she stood apart from everything that had once surrounded AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter? Would it not, on the contrary, be
[Page 136]
cowardice, a kind of guilt, if she broke all the ties that connected her to the past, to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' past? Would GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator not be lonely too, if she left her forever?

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Such days where she asked and searched without finding answers were followed by nights where she lay sleepless and pondered on everything that had happened to her, to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, and to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter.

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The more intensely, the more longingly, the more fervently she let her thoughts wander as pilgrims back to the old memories, the more frightened she became, because it became clear to her that nothing connected her to the past, that her whole world of thought did not go further back than to the day when she had been created again in the beautiful city by the ElbeDresden (historical), city in Germany.

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It was as if a grey fog fell over her when she asked these questions without getting any answers. What she had previously experienced merged into this fog that became thicker and thicker and eventually concealed everything. Faces that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had known faded away and disappeared.

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It was as if an empty room lay behind her, a desert where not even shadows from the past appeared. In such nights, she was afraid of going mad and she dared not confide in any other person, not even GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, what was going on inside her.

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Only two names appeared ever brighter and clearer in her memory and with them two faces. One belonged to the friend ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 and the other to FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband, the young Italian officer who ages ago – so it seemed to her at least, and it was only a year after all – had been with them in RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy. FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband, this handsome young Italian officer to whom GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, without having mentioned his name in the last few weeks, in her need to be protected by a man who was devoted to her in life and death – perhaps still unknown to herself – felt strongly attached. Suddenly it occurred to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 what the deep and strange secret was that was the innermost motive for the promise that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had made to himself that evening in RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy when all three of them, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, and FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband, had been together. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband should be united for they belonged to each other, and therefore he, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, had to disappear ......

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It was already late at night when LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 suddenly got out of bed and walked softly over to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's bed. She sat down beside her and
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took her hand. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator slept but at this touch she woke up and looked startled at LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 beside her.

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"Did I wake you up?" LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 asked.

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"Yes, I had such a beautiful dream," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator said.

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"And where were you in your dream?"

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"I think I was in RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy."

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"And that you were with FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband, weren't you?"

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She put her arm around GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator who let her head sink to her shoulder with a happy smile. But they did not talk any more.

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Next morning LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 wrote the following simple and composed letter to FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband:

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Dear friend!

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I want to tell you that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter kept his word. He is dead. I know that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator has not told you so yet. Write to her and do not leave her.

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And below this she put her new name.

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Eight days later they returned to the city by the ElbeDresden (historical), city in Germany. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was again in her home. The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist examined her and expressed satisfaction. But only for a few days was she allowed to walk around between the birches in the park. Then she had to say goodbye again, and at the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist's request she and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator went to a small health resort that lay hidden far up in the ErzgebirgeErzgebirge (historical), mountain range in eastern Germany surrounded by quiet woods.

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Here they lived with other people whom they had never met before but who also sought rest and recuperation. And here one day a letter arrived for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator from ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome..

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator gave the letter to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. It only said that a man was waiting for them and that wherever he was and wherever they were they only had to call him and he would come. His heart belonged to them both ...... and he would consider LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 as his sister. Under the letter was FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband's name.

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That day LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 felt for the first time in her life as a woman that she had paid back some of her debt to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. And for the first time GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator learned what AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had promised himself, her, and FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband that evening in RomeRome (historical), capital of Italy.

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator," LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 said later in the day, "now I have come so far that we can both go home."

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"Home?" GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator asked.

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"Yes, home to DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen., so that you can be completely free of a person who has already been dead for a long, long time, of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. Then both of us, you and I, will start a new life."

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A couple of weeks later they travelled north ‒ to DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen..

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XXI.

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In the sleeping carriage to CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator lay in a deep and calm slumber when LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was suddenly torn out of her dream by a horrible nightmare. What she had actually dreamt, she did not know, but it was as if she felt a sharp pang in her heart. Cautiously she pulled the window down a little. They were on the ferry on the way between WarnemündeWarnemünde (historical), a German city located near the Baltic Sea and GedserGedser (historical), town in southern Denmark. It was a starless, greyish August night, and in the darkness she seemed to see an image before her. It was the railway station hall in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. It was full of people and every one shouted and pointed at her: Lili Elbe! Lili Elbe! She was seized by a nameless panic. She could no longer stand being in the sleeping carriage.

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She dressed, found her fur coat in the half-light, slipped out of the carriage and went by the wet steps of the ferry up onto the deck. Not a soul was in sight. Everyone was sound asleep. Only the pounding of the propeller and the roar of the wake were heard. The lantern up in the mast was shining faintly. A thick black smoke rose from the chimney. From the smoking cabin the glow of electric light fell on the smooth planks of the deck. A few passengers were sitting in there. She ducked from fear of meeting familiar faces and of being recognised by someone. Like a ghost she snuck through the light to one of the darkest corners of the ship. She was overtaken by a shiver. No, she thought, no, I can't go to CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. And she could not let go of the image that had appeared to her in the sleeping compartment. Her imagination described it in more and more powerful detail, and in the end, she thought she heard, in time with the regular knocks of the machine, the cry: "It is her! It is her!" ......

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Suddenly there was the sound of steps. She dared not look up, but pressed more deeply into the corner. A man walked close by her. His steps sounded across the deck and became more and more distant. Then he had apparently turned around, because the steps approached again, stamped by, and became distant again. Up and down the deck he walked until he stopped right across from the corner where she stood, and struck a
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match to light a cigarette. The match flared up and its glow lit up the man's face brightly. Without wanting to she had stared straight into the flame. She had pressed both hands to her mouth not to scream. As a fever the thought went through her: "You know him and he has recognised you too." She closed her eyes and it was as if she had to pray, send a silent prayer to the sky: "Oh, God let me die!" And now this is the prayer that she could hear repeated in the rhythm of the machine, again and again: "Let me die! Let me die!"

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The man has finally disappeared from the deck and she is all alone in the breaking dawn between the sea and the grey sky that is coloured by a metallic reflection from the rising sun hidden by the bleak leaden cloud cover. But still her lips stammer out the same request in trembling fear: "Oh God, let me die!" She drags herself to the rail. She is so tired, so enormously tired, that she can hardly keep on her feet. She stares down into the water, the dark water, rising and falling in even, dreary waves ...... There is a possibility of escaping from the horror that she knows that she – as long as she stays in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark – will not get rid of. But she cannot, she does not have the strength.

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Finally she returns to the sleeping carriage. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator is still asleep. She has not noticed anything – and she will not be told anything, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 promises herself. She undresses quietly and slips into her bunk where she starts to cry, a soft, soundless crying. When GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator wakes up, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 has finished crying but her face is cold and stiff. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator has to help her get dressed and speaks to her encouragingly. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 listens silently, but confines herself to nodding. She still sees her fever image in her mind: The railway station hall with the thousand pointing fingers and the thousandfold cry: "It is her! It is her!"

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But no one at the railway station shouts her name. There is no one she knows. With the fur collar turned up around her ears and with a close veil LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 makes her entry into CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. Like a helpless child, she clings to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator the short distance to the stairs and up though the arrival hall. She does not dare look up. Each time she passes a group of people, she starts like a hunted criminal thinking herself persecuted from all sides.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator puts her in a corner of the waiting room where there are only few travellers and then goes out to take care of the luggage and get hold of a porter. And suddenly a young cousincousin (fictional), historical figure unidentified stands in front of LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. He is the only one to whom GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator has confided their arrival. At LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's request, he was to meet them in the waiting room. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had hardly known this cousincousin (fictional), historical figure unidentified, and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had anxiously pictured to herself the prying eyes of this half strange relative.

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But in a quite natural manner he greeted both of them. He had thought that they would go out to Andreas' married sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) -@Editor: PLC who lived in the vicinity of CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark and for that reason he had not reserved a hotel room. But LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 suddenly refused to go out to the sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954). It was two years since AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had last seen her, and now LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had neither the strength nor the courage to show herself to this sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) who was only a year older than AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and who in the years of childhood had been his dearest playmate.

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"Fine," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator said, "let's say no more about it."

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She went out to telephone a hotel, but it was August and they were all booked up. Finally she found one where they could get a room for them on the top floor. Fifteen minutes later LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 sat in the hotel and all day she did not venture outside the room.

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In the evening, without asking LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator informed her brother-in-lawChristian (fictional), Andreas’s brother-in-law; modeled on Thomas Christian Thomsen (1883-1963), married to Einar’s sister Christiane and father of Einar’s nephew, Sigurd about their arrival. He immediately went to the hotel and wanted LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to come with him.

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"Give me a few more days," she asked, "first I have to get used to the idea of seeing my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) again. I don't have the strength for it yet ...... I can't bear to see anyone ...... at least not AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' family."

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She kept pleading for mercy.

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"I am afraid," she stammered again and again, "afraid of meeting those people again who belonged to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter ...... who have loved him and whom he loved. I have the feeling that I have murdered him ...... I know that it is madness of me to say so. But why do I feel like someone who is being hunted and persecuted?"

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All her complaints ended the same way:

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"Oh God, let me die!"

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This first night in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator did not leave her. It was a night with no end and no rest. There was nothing left of the
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creature who had left FrauenklinikMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." so full of confidence. Her carefree composure had been replaced by a deep despondency.

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"I must get back to the clinicMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948."," she repeated to herself, "I should have stayed there, only there I belong ...... in all other places there is no one who cares about me, no one who understands me, no one who without asking will take me as I am now ...... I must get back to the white nurses and the other women in the park, to them I'm nothing but what they are themselves, women who need help and who are helped."

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But she was not allowed to return to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany. She was not allowed to stay in the small hotel room. The next morning they came and picked her up.

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She was going out to – Andreas' sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954).

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XXII.

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Many weeks after LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's first meeting with Andreas' sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) out in the quiet villa by the little lake in the immediate vicinity of the city she began to keep a diary. She felt a compelling urge to keep accounts of the first start of her new life. The shock of the arrival in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark lay behind her. She had regained her peace and she was in a brighter mood. She had even had the courage to read through NielsNiels Hvide (fictional), modeled on Poul Knudsen (1889-1974), Danish lawyer and writer, friend of the Wegeners, married to Vibeke 1925-1938' record of the confession that she had made to her friends in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany ...... Now this night lay six months back in time. Her nephewNephew (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s nephew, Harald Sigurd Wegener Thomsen (1905-1953), son of Christiane and Thomas C. Thomsen, a young medical student, had encouraged her to write down her experiences and her feelings.

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"You can do a lot of good that way," he had said, "you may be able to help yourself and others now, in this period where you are preparing yourself to take up serious work, by writing down what you think and feel."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator did not stay with them. She stayed with some friends in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark where no one must know anything about LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, her arrival, and her life for the time being. For that reason GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator told everyone who asked about AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter that he was seriously ill at a clinic in GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin. ...... Only secretly GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator occasionally visited LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, who did not want it any differently. She hardly dared do more than venture outside the garden sometimes in the evening and take a walk in the neighbourhood under the protection of her nephewNephew (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s nephew, Harald Sigurd Wegener Thomsen (1905-1953), son of Christiane and Thomas C. Thomsen.

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So far her only task in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark had been to help GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator regain her freedom. The important thing was to have GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's marriage to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter dissolved without the public getting any wind of it. It was a very difficult matter the outcome of which was very uncertain for there were no legislative provisions for such a fantastic case that no legislator could have predicted. One of the spouses, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, did not exist anymore. How then would you go about separating a wife from a non-existent spouse? And finally, if it could
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be done the law required a separation first where the two spouses should live apart before the final divorce was granted and that would take a few years.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 could not bear this idea. She did not want GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator to be cheated out of two more years of her life. As there seemed to be no way out, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 just as previously AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, was faced with the option of voluntarily facing death to rid GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator of a spouse who did not exist at all. Finally one of their friends, a clever lawyer, thought of the solution of submitting an application to the KingKing (fictional), modeled on Christian X, the King of Denmark from 1912 to 1947. This happened at the end of August, and in the beginning of September GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 received a message that they should personally present themselves in court on a certain date. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator asked LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 if she thought that she had enough strength for this.

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"Should I not be able to do that for you," LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 answered beaming with joy, "you who have sacrificed so much for me? ...... Do you think that I could think of myself at this moment?"

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This trip to the court was LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's first joint excursion in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. The time had been kept strictly secret and the two ladies were brought in before a judge. Only the judge and another public officer were present in the room. All of the legal proceedings lasted just under half an hour, but neither LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 nor GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator liked to talk about how they had turned out. Some days later -@Editor: PLC it was declared by a special royal resolution that the marriage entered into by AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator must be considered invalid.

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Shortly afterwards LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 moved from her sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954)'s to the home of an acquaintance who lived on an out-of-the-way residential road and where she rented a couple of gabled rooms that became her home during the rest of her stay in DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen.. They were a couple of modest rooms but she was comfortable in them. Here she had peace to collect herself and write in her diary. It began 10 October and the first thing she wrote about was the meeting with Andreas' sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954).

– – –

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She wrote:

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"When on the second day after my arrival in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark I was taken out to Andreas' sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) – now I feel, now I know, that I also dare call her my sister – I was shown into a room where I had never been but where AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had spent many hours.

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When I opened the door, no one was in the room, and when I moved a few steps forward I saw my own reflection in a large wall mirror. I saw an elegantly dressed lady with smiling eyes, red painted lips and fresh cheeks. I was pleased with myself. I knew that I had done everything to look as good as possible. I thought it was a kind of justification. Who will blame me for resorting to all the cosmetics that any woman has the right to use?

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Even if I would never paint, the image I saw in the mirror will still remain clear to me.

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But scarcely had I critically examined myself before I caught sight of another picture in the mirror. It was a fjord landscape in summer sun with fertile, varied wood banks on both sides. My heart was beating. I turned around toward the picture hanging in a heavy gold frame on the wall. It was a work of his youth that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had painted from the part of the country of his childhood.

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I took a look around the room to see if anybody observed me, and on all the walls I saw paintings, landscapes, city scenes, river pictures. I recognised them all – they were AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' pictures. And his journeyman years -@Translator: MO appeared before me.

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There was a small picture from the town by the river LoireBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern France where AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had lived for so many happy summer months ...... But not AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter alone, no, there I too, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, had lived for the hours when I had escaped from the prison that his body was to me. There was also another picture, one of the Seine bridgesBridges of the Seine (historical), river that runs through Paris in ParisParis (historical), capital of France under a sky that was overcast with grey storm clouds. On that bridge AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had stood staring down into the SeineSeine (historical), river that runs through Paris while struggling with his thoughts of death.

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I saw other pictures too that were painted by GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator. In one of them I, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, stood dressed in women's clothes ...... escaped form AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. I stepped up to the picture, let my hand run over it tenderly, rested my head against the frame and began to cry bitterly ...... But I did not want to, I must not cry ......

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I sat down on a chair by the table where a big album lay. Without thinking I opened it and began to leaf through it. There were photographs of a fair boy with large, brown eyes. And I was at my wit's end for they were pictures of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter when he was still a child and played with his
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siblings, his two brothersBrothers (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s brothers, Holger (b. 1880) and Henrik and his sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954). At that time he had no idea of the fateful life struggle that lay in store for him ...... he played and was happy.

– – –

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Then the door opened and a lady with dark hair and blue eyes hesitantly stepped into the room. It was Andreas' sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954). I got up and stood right in front of her. She -@Editor: PLC had to look up at me because I was taller than she. I started and I thought I would go mad. I happened to remember that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and his sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) had been of the same height. I read in her eyes that she had had the same thought and that it also shocked her.

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Then I said:

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"Hello! ...... You must be kind to your sister LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931."

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Perhaps I said something else too. Perhaps I said:

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"Please accept me and care for me as you cared for AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter."

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Or perhaps I did not say anything at all. Or perhaps I just smiled and explained:

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"Do not be surprised that I'm taller than our dead brother AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter because I'm wearing high heels ...... Please do not be angry with me for that ...... I so much wanted LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to look as beautiful and ladylike as all the other women in our family." -@Editor: PLC

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Then we sat on the couch and in front of us on the table was the album with AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' childhood pictures. And we held each other's hands for a long time. She was so good, Andreas' sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954). She searched for the words. She looked at me all the time and her lips moved, but I do not know if it was her mouth or her eyes that spoke to me:

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"Please don't be sad if I can't get used to calling you LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ...... and if I cannot really find you in my thoughts ...... that I only look at you to try to rediscover AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter in your eyes, in your hands, and on your forehead. I was so fond of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' eyes and of his hands ...... and of his forehead too ...... that I have so often kissed. You know that ...... or perhaps you don't know that ...... but AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter knows ...... I was only a year older than he after all ...... and when we were quite young – when he was five and I was six years old – I was as a little
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mother to him ....... he was the prettiest and sweetest of my brothers ...... he played with my dolls and he pushed my doll's pram ... I always called him Lillemand because I thought it suited him ...... and once when I had written it down and mother said that I had spelled it wrong, because it was not Lilleman -@Translator: MO but Lillemand with a d like Mand, I answered that I had written it without a d on purpose because he was not a real man. Then mother laughed and you laughed too when you heard it, no, not you, it was AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter who laughed ...... but he did not know what he was laughing at ...... And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and I went out in the woods and brought the doll's pram with us ...... he was the one who pushed it but he was afraid that others would see because then they would tease him ...... do you remember that I always put my hand beside his on the handle? Do you know why I did that? Now I can tell you ...... I did it so that if someone surprised us, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter could quickly remove his hands so that they would think that it was me who pushed the pram."

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Did my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) say all this to me or was it just her eyes that told me? ...... I just nodded ...... and I cried -@Editor: PLC...... I calmly accepted that her large trembling woman's eyes stared searchingly at me for many, many days, as if she still sought her little brother in me ...... I really think she found him again ......

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In the first days when we spoke for many hours, she often called me by AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' name ...... and every time it was as if I should die...... I also told her so a couple of times and I begged her to believe me, I was not AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' murderer ...... I also said that if he had not died then I must have perished with him, and that now when I lived I had him to thank for every day I existed.

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Once I told her that I really had neither parents nor siblings, that I was not born here in DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen. at all but in GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin. ...... perhaps MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen), if she had given birth to me as a girl, would not have liked me at all for she loved her little boy. I think it was that day that my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) declared that everything that had happened in DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany had been an outrage, a crime against Nature, a play with destiny. Could AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter really not have gone on living? Had it not been
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better if he had dragged on his tortured body and borne his hard fate until death took pity on him? Then she pointed to the wall that was filled with AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' pictures:

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"Can't you see what an artist has been lost in him? ...... How completely different he was from you?"

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"Yes," I answered, "but that just proves that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter acted correctly when he set me free because we were two different beings AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and I ...... I know that as a person I am much inferior to him ...... I'll never accomplish what he accomplished ...... I'll never paint as he painted ....... I feel no need to and I'm afraid to try and feel my impotence ...... but that shows you that it was two different beings who lived in the same body and who came into existence under our mother's heart ...... Do you think that I have won so much by the life that I now finally have to myself? ...... You say that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was both stronger and more capable than I, but he also had a long life where he lived and worked while I hardly dare to show myself. If I show myself everyone, just as you did, will call it deceit, fraud, and a masquerade ...... So let us be friends and good sisters to our brother AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter.

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Another time, my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) admitted:

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"I don't think that an injustice has happened after all, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ...... It was probably AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' wish that everything should go as it has ...... he was so chivalrous ...... that is why he thought that it was his duty to release you even if he had to pay for your freedom with his life."

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Thus there was a continuous and persistent battle between her and me about my right to exist ...... and I know how terribly difficult it was for her when she eventually – even if it was only out of charity – forced herself to believe in me and embrace me as her sister, as LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ...... I myself did not make it any easier for her. Through all of my being, through the way I moved, through everything I said, I did what I could to prove to her that I was another person than AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter.

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He was smart and witty, curious, and contemplative ...... I was quite superficial ...... and
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I was so on purpose ...... I wanted to show her that I was someone completely different, that I was a woman ...... I was thoughtless, silly, fond of finery, and pleasure-seeking, yes, it is safe to say childish ...... and now I can confess that it was definitely not all pretence ...... I was really unconcerned, carefree, illogical, and capricious ...... I just accentuated it, took my nature a step further.

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During the few weeks I spent in my sister's home, I could not overcome my shyness of people and the melancholy that had seized me on my arrival in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. I noticed, when I observed myself critically alone in my bedroom at night, that I looked tired, worn out and impossible ......

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I felt that everyone here in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark including my family looked on me as a phenomenon. It is true that in my sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954)'s home they gradually got used to regarding me as a woman, they were good to me and put up with my whims. They also tried to encourage me by telling me that I did not have to be afraid at all, that I looked like any other lady.

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Still I was scared to death each time I left the garden with my nephewNephew (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s nephew, Harald Sigurd Wegener Thomsen (1905-1953), son of Christiane and Thomas C. Thomsen to take a walk. The slightest impurity in my complexion made a strong impression on me and made me wear a thick veil. I appeared to myself as an outcast. All other women were allowed to be ugly, to be hideous, to have all kinds of defects and flaws in their appearance. But I had to be pretty -@Translator: MO; if I did not look good, I had lost any right to exist, to be a woman ...... because then I no longer did credit to the man who had created me, Professor Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist.

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There were days when I would not even leave my room, when I imagined myself persecuted by the whole town. The feeling of being free and sheltered at the same time that had made me so safe at FrauenklinikMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." and had strengthened and supported me even in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany was now completely gone ...... I also found it very difficult to write to the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist ...... I dared not write the way I wanted to, then he would regard me as a despicable person lacking strength of character ......"

– – –

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But from the moment that LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 moved into the two small gabled rooms her courage began to return.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was free ... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator could start a new life ...... it was LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 who telegraphed the good news to FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband in ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome., and it was also she who asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator to travel south as soon as possible to meet her friend ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator smiled, she knew LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 better ...... she knew that she still needed her. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had to learn to get out among people first, she had to overcome her fear of others ...... Gradually GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator let the friends with whom she was on confidential terms in on LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's existence and brought her and them together.

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Finally LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 felt calm enough to take a walk in the streets of CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. No one recognised her ...... she even ventured to visit cafés and restaurants with a couple of female friends who immediately treated her as what she was, a woman. She ventured into shops and made purchases, and one day she even plucked up her courage and went up to a ladies' hairdresser to have her hair done.

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And when her good friend IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 came from BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany she seemed to be completely over the mental crisis that had shaken her during the first part of her stay in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938, who had not seen her since the day after her first operation in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany, was delighted by her appearance, and as a couple of good friends they spent some cheerful and happy days together. They went shopping, they went to IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938's seamstress who was also to sew something for LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, they went on trips, and finally she persuaded LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to show herself on StrøgetStrog (historical), actually “Strøget,” the main shopping street in Copenhagen, closed to traffic ......

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No. LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 did not need to be afraid anymore, no one could see anything unusual about her. She could safely go anywhere without fearing to be recognised.

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One day when IngerInger Hvide (fictional), modeled on Vibeke Knudsen (dates unknown), married to Poul Knudsen from 1925 to 1938 and she were walking across RådhuspladsenRathausplatz (German spelling, historical), Rådhuspladsen is the central square in Copenhagen they met a couple of gentlemen who had been Andreas' friends from his student days. Not only did they not show any signs of recognition, but they heard one whisper to the other: "Those were a fine pair of legs!" They were LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's legs and she was jubilant, not because of the compliment, but because she now felt quite secure.

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Only one thing made her sad. Unlike AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's female friends who had let her into their circle long ago, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' male friends – with very few exceptions – sought to avoid LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator who understood how much she needed human
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compassion and understanding was very unhappy about this reluctance, so much more because LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's secret, thanks to the indiscretion of a female Parisian friend, had leaked and all sorts of rumours had come into circulation. Rumours that wallowed in piquant stories and scandal. By chance they reached LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's ears and with them all her happy confidence was swept away. For many days she dared not show herself outside her rooms, she shut herself off from everyone, and now she suddenly understood why none of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' friends had found their way to her.

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She wrote about it in her diary:

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How is it possible that all of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' male friends betray me ...... that they all avoid me and treat me as if I were an outcast? ...... What have I done to them? AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter himself was always good and ready to help ...... and he was very forgiving with his friends ...... And now one of them is supposed to have said that exactly because he valued AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter so highly, he would not like to meet me at all. I would always stand between him and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. He would find it revolting to give me his hand. This feeling was supposed to be a sign of his healthy humanity. Another excused himself with other evasions ...... one could not risk walking on the street with me without compromising oneself. CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark was far too small to show oneself with such a being without exposing oneself to gossip.

– – –

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All this tormented LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and made her terribly nervous ...... She once again had a feeling that everyone was talking about her, that everyone pointed their finger at her. When she saw two people sitting together whispering in a tram she thought she was the one they were whispering about. It was as if the gossip had come alive, as if it clung to her with its tentacles and was about to strangle her. Now she knew that she would never be happy any more. Now she knew that in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark she was hunted and an outlaw. She had to get away from the cityCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark and she decided to leave.

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Her departure was like a flight. She would have preferred to have returned to GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin., but her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener in JutlandJutland (historical), the largest region of Denmark had asked her so often to come over to him even if it was only for a short time. It would do her good to be in the vicinity of her childhood
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home, he said, and he would nurse and spoil her like a sister so that she could recover her strength. With him she could have peace and quiet.

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"Do it," her sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954) advised, and everyone who meant well by her said the same. It would do her good to see her native town againVejle (historical), Einar Wegener’s birthplace in the Jutland region of Denmark. Perhaps she would come into harmony with herself again over there. She could always return to GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin. later when she had regained her peace of mind.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 took the advice because she thought that it was right.

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She decided to go over to her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener and like a sleepwalker she carried out her decision.

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A couple of days earlier GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator had travelled south – to ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome..

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XXIII.

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Lili's brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener and sister-in-lawSister-in-law (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister-in-law, Musse (a nickname), married to Holger Wegener lived in the vicinity of one of Jutland's small fjord towns. Here she could stay without being exposed to prying eyes.

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She was received very kindly by both of them. Her sister-in-lawSister-in-law (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister-in-law, Musse (a nickname), married to Holger Wegener was a good-hearted person who as a woman not only had the deepest compassion for her, but also showed her the deepest understanding.

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In the first days her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener did not find it easy to adjust to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 but it did not last very long before he had gotten used to her and regarded her completely as his sister.

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They both competed to make the days here in Andreas' native townVejle (historical), Einar Wegener’s birthplace in the Jutland region of Denmark as pleasant and peaceful as possible.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was happy about it. She liked being treated like a child who has been ill and now needs to be taken good care of. Every evening her brother's wifeSister-in-law (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister-in-law, Musse (a nickname), married to Holger Wegener sat by her bed and held her hand until she had fallen asleep. If she went for a walk they both came with her. If LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 declared that she would rather go alone they prevented it by saying that in such a small town there were always many lawless characters, vicious dogs and other dangers.

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In these quiet and secure surroundings LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's nerves settled down. She went for long walks in the surroundings of the town, out along the fjord or inland through the large woods that stood in their most beautiful, colourful autumn splendour.

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Here by this fjord and in these woods AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had lived his happy childhood years but almost all memory of them had been extinguished in LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ...... She had a feeling that she was in completely new surroundings where she had never been before. Only now and then a certain light, a sound, a scent brought back a distant memory in her. But it was as if it were hidden behind a veil of mist. And it was never a definite thing that she remembered ...... always something that slipped away and disappeared ......

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One day her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener went with her to the town to show her
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the old house where her parents had lived until their death and where he and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had grown up.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 stood in front of the old patrician house. She recognised the house, but it was like something distant and dim, something she had once seen in dreams.

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Often her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener asked her if she remembered some experience from their common childhood. Her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener was only a few years older than AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, who had always been the one who had the best memory and could remember the most clearly. But LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 still had to shake her head. No matter how great an effort she made it was impossible for her to find a clear image from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' past ...... She always got to feel so strange, it was as if something sounded in a place deep inside her, but the tone died away before she managed to hold onto it. Perhaps she was too tired ...... perhaps that was the reason why she was not able to strain her memory.

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Often these questions caused her pain, her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener felt it, and he did not ask any more.

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Nor was it through the past that she felt connected to her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener and his wifeSister-in-law (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister-in-law, Musse (a nickname), married to Holger Wegener. But they were so good and kind to her and for that reason she felt at home with them. It was not the past with their common memories that tied her to them.

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One day her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener said to her:

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"LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, now you have been here for a whole month and still you have not been to the cemetery to see FatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener's and MotherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen)'s grave."

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"You're right, I'd like to go there."

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And suddenly she began to cry. Her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener looked at her in surprise. Then he put his arm protectively around her, and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 felt what he was thinking.

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"Yes," she said, tormented by a secret fear, "I know that I have had neither father nor mother. I am quite alone in the world, and often I feel that my life is full of too many dangers for me to be able to defend myself against them alone. You must advise me, you must stand by me ...... My life began under the most terrible pains, and I'm afraid that it has all been in vain ...... But then there are other moments when it seems to me as if something bigger is holding me up, then I feel
[Page 155]
something fine and noble within me. I suppose it is happiness. And in my dreams I am always perfectly happy."

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Her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener looked at her inquiringly, as if he were going to say something.

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But LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 patted him on the arm and added:

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"Dear brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener , perhaps you don't understand me at all when I say something like that, but that doesn't matter at all, if only you're good to me ...... Often I don't understand myself either, I don't understand my own life ...... I still have to marvel at it ......"

‒ ‒ ‒

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Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was dead.

‒ ‒ ‒

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had returned to her two little gabled rooms in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark.

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Here with her landlady she met a young Norwegian veterinarian who, without knowing what had happened to her, told her how he had experimented with inducing gender changes in animals for some time. He told her how he had removed and transplanted glands from the opposite sex into them, and about the enormous changes it caused in them. The animals quite changed their nature and character, and at the same time the new sexual glands determined their age ...... Unfortunately, these kinds of experiments could only be performed on animals ...... for many reasons it was difficult to imagine them transferred to humans.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 now understood that the crisis that she had gone through – especially during the first time at home in DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen. – and which she had probably not yet completely overcome, was a natural consequence of the transplantation that had been performed on her. Her brain function had been given a completely new direction.

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She wrote about it in her diary:

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" ...... In the first months after my operation everything was about regaining my strength, and only as it gradually returned the physical changes began to appear. My breast developed, my hips became rounded, and all my lines became softer and more female. Then the psychological changes began too. New forces stirred in my brain and worked to expel everything that was still left of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter ...... In this way a completely new emotional life awakened in me."

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About the same time she wrote a letter to Professor Werner KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist in which she tried to express what went on in her.

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"I feel so changed as if it were not my body but my brain you had operated on. And even if my face still carries traces of everything I have suffered through life, I still think that for every day that passes I look younger.

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Nor does Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter's name have a bitter sound for me. He has had his youth, and I think that I will now have mine. Now and then I also think that it would be unfair if I should count my age from his year of birth. My age must after all, from a purely biological point of view, be another than his. It also pains me that my name has been entered into the church register at the same place where his name has been crossed out. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and I do not really have anything to do with each other though.

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I have just spent a couple of weeks in his native townVejle (historical), Einar Wegener’s birthplace in the Jutland region of Denmark, but there I felt like a stranger the whole time. None of what now lives and breathes in me has come into existence in the house where my parents -@Editor: PLC lived. I am as reborn. I was born at FrauenklinikMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." and my birthday is that day in April when they operated on me. My disposition is also like April weather. I can cry and laugh at the same time ......

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And each time I feel how this new life and this new youth stir in my mind as if I were mother and child at the same time, then all my thoughts turn to you in infinite gratitude."

‒ ‒ ‒

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Some days later, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 again filled several pages in her diary:

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"I know that only the doctors are able to understand me when I speak about my age, and a couple of Danish doctors have promised to help me when I later will seek to free myself from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter in this respect, so that I can have the age that is in accordance with my physical development as a woman. Many others will regard this question as ridiculous and unimportant and think that it only depends on whether you feel young and seem young. But
[Page 157]
I think the opposite. Whether you feel young or old you have the age that is entered in your papers. Yesterday I talked to a friend who is a lawyer about this question and I said to him:

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"You must not forget that every time I check into a hotel, every time there is a census, or if I apply for a position, or want to marry ‒ I always have to answer the question of my age. In my passport, in all my identification papers is an age that is not mine."

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And what did the lawyer answer?

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That I should not be so demanding. I must take over AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' age, just as I had quite rightly taken over the rest of the inheritance from him. But I denied that vehemently.

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"Let us assume for instance," I said, "that I also had a talent for painting and wanted to start painting like him. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had his connections as a painter. He had exhibited at a number of the major exhibitions in ParisParis (historical), capital of France and was a member of several exhibition committees. Now could you imagine if I approached the various exhibition committees who had known AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, told them my fantastic story and demanded the same rights as he had acquired? Both Andreas' Danish and French colleagues would consider me to be insane ...... They would not at all go along with the view that he and I should be regarded as one and the same person ...... They would either not believe a word of what I told them or they would stare at me like an improbable phenomenon. No, if I painted again I would have to start all over building a position. Otherwise I would just be an object of ridicule and laughter.

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"And could you for example imagine that I, Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, should have the right to the decoration awarded Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter by the State of FranceFrance is a western European country whose capital is Paris.? Could you think for a moment that I would wear it? No, for the memory of Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter is too sacred for me ...... I know that I am a foolish woman and just a nobody who does not matter.

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"Besides it is said that when you inherit you can refuse to accept the inheritance and the debt. I have at no time accepted AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' inheritance.

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"I have not accepted anything and least of all his birthday which to me is synonymous with his debt. I will not
[Page 158]
keep on carrying AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' age around as a burden that means a threat to my whole future.

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"I lack the confidence that he possessed. My closest relatives, that is AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' family, tell me every day how essentially different I am from him, how completely different AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was in his behaviour. He stood so firmly on the ground. He could stand powerful storms and I have the feeling that I am a newly planted tree that can be uprooted and blown away by the first gust of wind.

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"I now have to try to create an existence for myself. I have to do something, I have to earn a living myself. But that is exactly why my age matters. Once you have a position, you have made yourself a place in life, yes, then it does not matter what age is in your papers. Then all that matters is if you have the ability to work, if you are able to fill your position. But if you have to start from scratch then everyone asks, and especially when it concerns a woman, how old you are. And almost everywhere the young are preferred because you think that they have the potential for development, that they are the future. This not only applies to artists, it is the case in all businesses.

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"I'll grant you that my case is something unusual, something completely new. But can't you understand that it is quite unfair and wrong that my name replaces AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' name on his birth certificate? My name is Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 and I have neither had the same mother nor the same father as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. The fact is that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, legally speaking, has never existed, but that is, of course, madness. Of course he must have existed because a large number of paintings, signed with his name, hang in several museums, both here in DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen. and in France, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter has published books that bear his name ...... That is why I think that it is just as unfair to him as it is to me to erase his name in the church register and replace it with mine."

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What did the smart lawyer answer to this?

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That I had to consider AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' name as if it were in some way a pseudonym.

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"No," I replied, "that would be a grievous injustice for I have nothing to do with AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' pictures ... ... they are AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' work ... and his alone. Precisely AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' pictures are his full and indisputable
[Page 159]
property. As a painter he was not two persons. When he painted, he was fully and completely a man ...... and curiously enough he remained so to the end ...... He maintained his artist personality unaffected by LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's influence."

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Then my friend asked me if I had never felt the urge to paint like AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter exactly because his art had been essential and central to him.

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"No," I said, "I have never noticed the slightest urge to paint and it is not only because I still feel weak and tired. No, I feel every day how, as opposed to him, I look at my surroundings less and less with a painter's eye ...... I have no wish at all to continue his work. I have to find my own way ...... I don't mean to say that I'm not an artist ...... Maybe I am ...... but I definitely feel that I have to try to find another expression of my artistic urge, that is the urge to create and produce something. But I have no idea about that yet. ...... I don't know enough about myself yet to be able to say what I have in me."

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We later walked through the park of Bernstorff PalaceBernstorff Castle (historical), Bernstorff Palace in Gentofte, Copenhagen under a heavy and low December sky. My friend asked me if I had lost the appreciation of nature that had been so marked in AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter.

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"No," I answered him, "only I no longer look at everything as at a subject for a picture. I can't feel a landscape or a mood of Nature as an 'obsession'. If I see something really beautiful I have a feeling that it is my subconscious that absorbs it ...... That's all I know now ...... Perhaps I'll once be able to give a visible or audible expression to what I see in one art form or other, be it in painting, music or literature or perhaps something completely different. At the moment there is something in me that finds its release in music but if I try to think about it I appear to myself as a boat letting itself drift where the wind takes it at full sail ......"

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"Good lord, I'm still so young ...... I must have time to find myself first. How old am I really? Perhaps the doctors can decide. But my age has nothing to do with AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' age. I haven't shared AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter'
[Page 160]
blood and body from the beginning. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter ruled over it absolutely for a whole lifetime or maybe even longer ...... It was only later that I began to develop in the same body which then enclosed us until it no longer had enough strength to house the both of us, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' vitality ebbed away.

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"Yes, to others it must sound like nonsense but this is how it was and not otherwise ...... And that is why I think that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' name should have been left in the church register in the town where he was bornVejle (historical), Einar Wegener’s birthplace in the Jutland region of Denmark ...... and that for me, for the homeless, one of those passports should be issued that are issued to people who have no native country ...... a Nansen passport -@Editor: PLC where my biological age should be stated."

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Shaking his head my friend left me and I know I will meet the same shaking of the head with most other people."

Page 161

XXIV.

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The many weeks when LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 now lived far from GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator in her two small rooms gave her time to collect herself.

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She looked back and went through her short life and spent many hours analysing herself. The result of this introspection she confessed -@Translator: MO in her diary. Everything that she had experienced and lived through since her first trip from BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany now appeared to her in a peculiar, bright light, completely without shadows.

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It was a confession -@Translator: MO which she ruthlessly and without mercy made to herself:

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"I am like someone who is building a bridge. But it is no ordinary bridge. On one bank I stand ...... That is the present and there I have already driven in the first poles. And from this bank I am going to build my bridge, floating in space toward the other bank that I often see not at all and otherwise only see as in a fog. Only now and then I see it quite clearly in my dreams. And then I do not know if this bank means the past or the future. This question then awakes in me: Have I only had a past or have I not had any past at all, or do I only have a future and no past?"

– – –

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"I have found a new friendGerman friend (fictional), modeled on Niels Hoyer, pseudonym of Ernst Harthern (1884–1969), editor of Man into Woman who will help me join together the rough notes I have made about my life, the confessions -@Translator: MO I have made to myself. Many years ago he knew AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter quite casually, but he can hardly remember him. He only has a memory of his eyes and in my eyes he has rediscovered this memory. He is German and I am happy to be able to speak German with him.

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He said to me when I came up to him the first time that he had been a little curious about my visit beforehand, he was afraid that he would feel resentment against me because he had been
[Page 162]
reminded of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter shortly before through some photographs he had seen of him by chance. But when we had talked for a moment, he said that any doubt about my independent existence had been dispelled in him. He could only see the woman in me, and when he thought of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, or we talked about him, it was as if we were speaking of a completely different person ......

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He gave me a new German translation of the Bible and opened it to the first page. There I read again and again:

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'Und die Erde war Wirrnis und Wüste. Finsternis allüber Abgrund. Braus Gottes brütend allüber den Wassern.' -@Editor: PLC

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It could have been written about me, I thought. I thought that the beginning had been like this and I kept on hearing these words sound in my heart."

– – –

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"I often give my friendGerman friend (fictional), modeled on Niels Hoyer, pseudonym of Ernst Harthern (1884–1969), editor of Man into Woman some loose pages of my diary to read ...... and I often ask his advice when everything looks dark inside me ...... Many times, a word from him leads me forward. He understands the strange question that always trembles in me, the bridge I build into the fog."

– – –

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator has returned from ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome.. She is so happy, and I am delighted at her happiness.

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Now she lives with me. We no longer need fear going out together. I no longer feel any anxiety, nobody notices me in the street.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and I often talk all night. We almost always talk about the new life that is to come. For her and for me ...... She also helps me when I pause in my confessions and have reached a dead end in my diary. Then I ask her and she can always answer me.

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She tells me a lot about FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband. They will soon be married and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator says that her home will also always be my home. FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband knows about everything, and he has promised that he will always be my friend and protector.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator said:

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'The two of us, you and I, are after all so deeply attached to each other that I cannot imagine you being away from me for a long time.'

Page 163
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She often speaks to me like that, and she says that I am not only her sister, she also thinks of me as her older daughter. I must promise her to come down to them soon after her marriage to FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband – he too will take care of me and consider me as his daughter ...... How happy these words make me!"

– – –

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An old friend of Grete and Andreas, one of the few who has also received LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 beautifully, a well-known Copenhagen art dealerHeyman and Haslund (fictional and historical), Svend Heyman (1878–1931), Ole who owned Ole Haslands Hus with Georg Haslund (1877–1962), where the Wegeners exhibited in Copenhagen, advised us to open an exhibition of the pictures AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had left behind. He and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator arranged to have the rest of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' pictures that had been left in ParisParis (historical), capital of France – around forty in total – sent up here with some of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's pictures.

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However, he advised LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, who prepared and organised the exhibition with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator, to not show up, at least at the opening. It was also kept strictly secret from the public that it was an exhibition of "posthumous" paintings ... In order to silence all rumours it was suggested that it was a retrospective exhibition, especially of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' juvenile works that took place to provide the artist who was still ill with the necessary means for an extended stay at a clinic.

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Invitation cards were sent for the opening, and there was nothing extraordinary about this exhibition as GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter over the years had frequently exhibited with the same art dealer who was personally close to them.

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But this time there was a strange, gloomy atmosphere at the opening. The closest circle of friends were of course informed, but the many others who also turned up this time had heard the numerous rumours that still lived on in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark and which it had not been possible to kill despite all private disclaimers and evasive explanations, but which continued to appear again in new and ever more appalling forms.

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People felt insecure and no one dared to buy. This drove LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 to despair because her funds were about to run out and she anticipated the moment when she had to seek the support of her family, a resort that caused her great pain .....

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For that reason one of her acquaintances made the suggestion that she should disguise herself as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter and show herself at the exhibition to
[Page 164]
kill all rumours in this way. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator was as appalled by this idea as LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.

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But then one of their female friends who had a prominent position at one of the city's leading newspapers -@Editor: PLC came to their aid. She had already for some time wanted to write a quite sober and objective article about AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's development and destiny, but LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had so far rejected the thought of such a disclosure, which had scared her. But her friend declared that now the time had come when the public had a right to know the pure truth. A famous artist like AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter could not, of course, simply disappear; it was not surprising that this gave rise to the most unreasonable rumours ....... it was now more than a year since anyone had heard or seen anything of him. For that reason she would quite simply recount how a brilliant German surgeon had transformed the critically ill AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter to a young vigorous woman ...... Sometime the secret had to be unveiled and if it happened just now it would be beneficial to LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931.

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When her other intimate friends also agreed that it was the best solution, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 finally gave her consent, with a heavy heart.

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The next day the article was in the paper and at one blow it cleared the Copenhagen air. All those who had listened to the rumours with a sly smile understood that it was not a salacious story but a human tragedy.

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Like lightning the news spread to the world press. Everywhere, in EuropeEurope (historical), a continent in the Northern Hemisphere and AmericaAmerica (historical), commonly used to refer to the United States of America, this unusual human fate was discussed and commented on. But although LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had thus become a world celebrity, although she was mentioned in papers all over the world that printed her picture at the same time, she walked around far more peacefully in the streets of CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark than before ...... She had always feared that her name would someday be shouted after her, but now she no longer feared it, nor did it happen.

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No one except the few who knew her thought for a single moment that the young lady, who appeared almost daily in StrøgetStrog (historical), actually “Strøget,” the main shopping street in Copenhagen, closed to traffic and in no way differed from the other ladies, was the famous "Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931". A few days after the first article about her had appeared, a group of people stood in front of a bookshop window where a foreign journal lay open that featured an account of the "Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 Case".

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She calmly walked into the shop and bought the issue and on the way home in the tram she sat reading about her fate, her own story. Other passengers had also bought the magazine and were immersed in reading, but no one noticed her and no one cared about her even though she was wearing the exact same hat and coat as in the picture with which the article was illustrated. After this she was completely reassured, her life was now quite different than before and she had various amusing small episodes.

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Every day she went to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' exhibition for which the attendance now strongly increased. It is possible that many came in the hope of seeing Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, but at any rate the pictures were sold without a single visitor having recognised her. One day an elderly lady even approached her and asked her in a whisper:

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"Tell me, Miss, don't you think that the tall, slim lady over there with the big feet and the tie is Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931? ...... she looks like a man ......"

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"Yes," LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 answered convinced, "you are right, it is her."

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Another day when she was sitting at her hairdresser, a Swedish lady entered and said loudly:

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"Now, have you heard the strange story about Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931? Do you really think it can be true?"

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The other ladies present agreed that even if it sounded quite fantastic, it nevertheless had to be true, otherwise a large paper would not write it. Only LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, who had come to the hairdresser for several weeks without anyone knowing her name, pretended to be skeptical.

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"The article exaggerates, of course," she declared, after which all the ladies immediately agreed that the papers always did.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's health improved visibly. Her nerves had been calmed by the awareness that she no longer had anything to hide.

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Her identification papers were now in order. And she had been given permission to use her new name. The exhibition had become a success and she herself had become the object of many expressions of sympathy, particularly from the women. Ladies that she did not know at all sent her letters full of sympathy and enthusiasm. Flowers came from people who were completely unknown to her. Several excellent
[Page 166]
doctors offered to watch her health free of charge for as long as she was in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark.

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"Now I'm being made into a heroine," she said to her friends ...

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She relaxed and was happy with life again.

– – –

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Then it was March, and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator could go to ItalyItaly is a European country whose capital is Rome. to marry Ridolfo FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband with a clear conscience.

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XXV.

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During the few weeks of being together with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had for the first time experienced a woman in love, and now that she was left alone, she felt a secret pain, an unhappy and hidden sorrow, an indefinable envy, no it was not envy, for she wished GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator every happiness with all her heart.

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Eventually she found out what it was that caused her pain, it was emptiness ...... It was as if there were something unfulfilled in her life, something that would perhaps never come true ......

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She could not quite explain this feeling, and it was also as if she would shrink back, as if she dared not think about the unknown sensation that was stirring in her.

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It started to become spring. The garden around the house where she had her small gabled rooms had its first green tinge, and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 felt how her own body too began to thrive. But at the same time she felt that there was something in her that kept pressing and wanted to come out ...... something that she could not and dared not give a name.

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More and more eagerly she began to work, she had no time to waste ...... Night after night she worked on her confession -@Translator: MO. She only granted herself a few hours' sleep. During the day she would often sit for many hours by the grand piano and play, and she occupied herself with all kinds of female activities. She made her own clothes and she helped her landlady with the housework. In the evenings she was usually with her relatives and her friends. She often visited her German friendGerman friend (fictional), modeled on Niels Hoyer, pseudonym of Ernst Harthern (1884–1969), editor of Man into Woman and brought him new pages from the diary with her records ...... but more and more reluctantly she spoke to him about what she had written.

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"Collect everything," she said to him, "and don't read it until I'm no longer here in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark."

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She had arranged with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator that she should spend the summer with her and FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband in the South ......

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Extract from the diary:

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"Today the doctor that I often visit said: 'When I saw you the first time, I thought that you were an unhappy, pitiable, and degenerate person. But now, after I have observed you for some time, I have arrived at the conclusion that you are a healthy and vigorous woman.'

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I cannot say how happy these words made me. When I told them to my German friendGerman friend (fictional), modeled on Niels Hoyer, pseudonym of Ernst Harthern (1884–1969), editor of Man into Woman in the evening, he said:

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'Now it is about time that you start painting again.'

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I looked at him in alarm.

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'Again?' I stammered, 'haven't you understood that I have never painted, that I don't know at all if I would be able to start.'

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He looked at me sternly. For the first time I saw doubt in his eyes. Then he said:

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'The healthier you become the more clearly all the positive that was in AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter will emerge in you, the immortal in him, the divine spark, his artistic spirit. And even if you are not yet able to understand and seize the truth of this artistic urge that lies dormant in you and that you yourself must release sometime through your own work, then you have probably at least come so far that you can use what lies hidden in your subconscious to teach others ...... I think that you should try teaching young people who have talent for painting ...... for the time being I am thinking purely in terms of artistic technique...'

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He had gotten up and walked up and down the room, strongly affected. Then he said:

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'I have read your confession page by page, you know that. And I also understand the shyness you feel about your confessions -@Translator: MO. You are a woman ...... therefore perhaps you fear to give the utmost, for the utmost is the brutal ...... But all truth is brutal and to some degree shameless, and there are few people who have the courage to see the innermost, the most absolute shame ...... the shame of shamelessness.'

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'Do you mean to say that I have not been sincere enough?'

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That was how I understood his words.

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He stopped in front of me, took my hand, put it on his arm and slowly walked back and forth with me in the room.

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'LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931,' he said, 'you have described yourself as someone who builds a bridge from the safe, secure bank that you now stand on. You say yourself that you don't know if the other bank belongs to the past or the future.'

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He fell silent and we both stood at the window from which there was a view of the harbor, the water, and the roofs of the many warehouses, all the way over ØresundÖresund (historical), also spelled Øresund; a strait running between Denmark and Sweden -@Editor: PLC.

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For a long time we remained standing without talking. Then he said more or less as follows:

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'Your bridge, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, leads deeper into the past than you suspect now ...... it leads across the chasm that otherwise separates man and woman ...... it is a destiny that makes you chosen ...... unique among all the rest of humanity. In you the unknown emotional connection between the two sexes lies dormant. This intimation in your blood, which now streams through a woman's heart, through your heart, as it previously streamed through a man's heart, will gradually, often through confused and fleeting mists, grow into a shocking knowledge. This as yet only suspected knowledge you have brought into your confession ...... often unconsciously and often dressed in inadequate, faltering, and poor words. Many times you only give a hint ...... and many times you also conceal something as if your sense of shame held you back. This new country, this new region of the soul, lies dormant in you, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, and it will manifest itself more and more clearly ...... Whether you want it to or not is of no importance, it has already revealed itself in your confessions.'

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Then he was silent.

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I sat down in the darkest corner of the room and closed my eyes ...... He had not seen that I cried.

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I walked home alone and the next day I asked if he would send his little daughterRuth (fictional), modeled on Ruth Hanna Hathern-Thaning (1915-1993), daughter of Ernst Harthern, a young sixteen-year-old girl, who had attended an art school in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark for a couple of months, to me as my student.

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XXVI.

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One day LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 had a letter from LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923:

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"My dear, little LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931!

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I just want to inform you that I will be sent on an official journey to CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark within the next few days. I think that I will be with you next week. I kiss your hand. In haste!

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Your ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923."

— — —

d1-trc26p002

For a whole week ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 and LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 were together from morning to evening. She showed him the city and the beautiful surroundings that were redolent of spring.

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She was happy ...... It was as if now, finally, she had met her youth. He spoke to her about ParisParis (historical), capital of France and about all the memories from the many happy hours they had spent together there and in the South of FranceBalgencie (fictional), modeled on Beaugency, a town on the Loire river in southern France. It was as if her memory was disentangled from the fog that had separated her two worlds, and shone in many colours.

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"Do you remember this? ...... and do you remember that?" ...... ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 asked, and he could hardly wait for a reply but went on talking.

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And LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 said to everything: "Yes, yes" ...... and her eyes beamed with joy.

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But deep down she felt that something moved in her like a sweet and dark secret ...... but she did not know what it was ......

— — —

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The diary again:

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"One evening ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 and I sat in a restaurant when he suddenly said:

d1-trc26d01p02

'Listen, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, now I have to escort you home, it is already late and I'm afraid to compromise you.'

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I had to laugh out loud. Such scruples I had never heard from ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923's mouth before.

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But when I looked at him I felt that they were serious, and obediently I got up.

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When we were in the car, I said to him:

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'ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, you look so solemn, are you not as happy as before when we were together in ParisParis (historical), capital of France and on the LoireLoire River (historical), the longest river in France?'

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ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 had taken my hand:

d1-trc26d01p08

'Perhaps you're right ...... The fact is that I have noticed something new in you during these days that I did not know from when you were not yet born, if I may put it like that. Now you are in perfect health, but at the same time you are so defenceless. You are a grown woman and yet you sometimes appear to me as a child ...... You need a person who can be both mother and husband to you. In a couple of days I have to go away again, far away from you, and the thought of leaving you alone here exposed to all kinds of danger pains me ...... Because whether you want to admit it or not, everyone here in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark where AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter was so well-known regards you as a phenomenon ...... also the people who are good to you ...... You can't escape your past, it's as simple as that.'

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ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 looked at me for a long time.

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Then I asked him:

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'But what am I to do?'

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'You have to get away from here.'

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I nodded:

d1-trc26d01p14

'That is also my intention ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator expects me in June in her and FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband's home. But first I would like to go to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany again and like last year spend a couple of summer days or a couple of summer weeks at FrauenklinikMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.".'

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ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 shook his head:

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'What plans! ...... What plans, LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931! ...... All the long journeys, and all alone ...... It is very kind of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and her husband that they will have you with them, but you mustn't forget that they are newly married. Will two happy people who have waited so long for their happiness already have room for another being?'

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ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 was silent again, until he suddenly said:

d1-trc26d01p18

'I have to tell you that in the near future
[Page 172]
I am to be transferred from ParisParis (historical), capital of France to TurkeyTurkey (historical), a country in the Middle East whose capital is Ankara. ...... I'll probably start on the journey in a week at the latest.'

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He looked at me with his large, kind eyes:

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'Will you travel with me?'

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His question was so sudden that I stared at him incredulously.

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'Do you really want me to come, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923?'

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ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 answered very seriously:

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'But, little LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931, can you doubt that? Will you marry me? Will you be my wife?'

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Quite helplessly, as if it was not me who was speaking, I heard myself saying:

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'Yes, oh, yes, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923.'

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I still hear the words resound in my ears. They were not in the least emotional. It was like a polite schoolgirl who had spoken.

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And therefore I did not understand why ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 suddenly was so impressed that he grabbed both my hands and kissed them. Only when he hugged me and kissed my mouth, did I realize what had happened, and an inexplicable feeling that I had not known before flowed through me. I was at the same time infinitely frightened and infinitely blissful.

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But suddenly I heard as if from far away the words that Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist had said when I last spoke to him:

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'Now you have to try your wings first. You have to get out into the world.'

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And he had added:

d1-trc26d01p32

'You must live your young girl's life.'

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Alarmed I tore myself loose from ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, who looked at me astounded:

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'What is wrong? Don't you care for me anymore?'

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I answered:

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'You know quite well how fond I am of you, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923.'

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I heard my own words but I could hardly recognise my voice. And I continued:

d1-trc26d01p38

'But I can't marry you before I have asked Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist ...... Without his permission I can't do anything at all ...... he alone has the right to decide for me.'

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'What do you mean?' ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 asked and looked at me almost threateningly.

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I searched for the words, and suddenly I came to think of the conversation I had had with my German friendGerman friend (fictional), modeled on Niels Hoyer, pseudonym of Ernst Harthern (1884–1969), editor of Man into Woman. I heard his words about the shame of shamelessness.

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'But say something,' ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 exclaimed again, and I stammered out:

d1-trc26d01p42

'ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, I don't know if I dare to marry so soon ...... although I look well I may not be strong enough for it yet. Let me first go to my saviourProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist in GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin. ...... I must seek his advice. He is the one who must decide what is to become of me and show me the way I must go.

— — —

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The next day my friend's little daughter, the sixteen-year-old RuthRuth (fictional), modeled on Ruth Hanna Hathern-Thaning (1915-1993), daughter of Ernst Harthern, sat with me. She painted her first picture, a self-portrait ...... I stood behind her and explained how she should go about it. I told her about myself and about the park at FrauenklinikMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." and a lot of other things that stirred within me and that my little student perhaps did not really understand.

d1-trc26d02p02

We had a very pleasant time together, and I saw that I would be able to teach her a lot. When she had left, the work that she had begun stood on the easel that I had inherited from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter, and very quietly I searched among the rest of the pictures from GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator's and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' exhibition for an empty piece of canvas − most of them had been sold. I found it, stretched it on a blind frame, took my little student's picture down from the easel and put up the empty piece of canvas instead. And suddenly I took a brush and started painting. What I wanted to paint, I did not know, but I painted and painted.

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There was a knock on the door. And there was another knock but I could not leave the easel. It was as if something held me back.

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Then the door opened and ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 stood behind me.

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'Are you painting?' he asked surprised, 'what is the picture supposed to represent?'

d1-trc26d02p06

'Yes,' I answered somewhat uncertain, and again I had to think of the conversation I had recently had with my German friendGerman friend (fictional), modeled on Niels Hoyer, pseudonym of Ernst Harthern (1884–1969), editor of Man into Woman ...... 'I only wanted to see if I were able to start painting ...... When you are gone, I too will start on my journey in a few days,
[Page 174]
and then I would like to bring a picture to the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, my very first picture. He has some pictures that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter has painted, and I want to see if I can measure up to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter as a painter ...... Last night when you walked me home I had the idea.

d1-trc26d02p07

'Yes, but what does the picture represent, dear LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931?'

d1-trc26d02p08

We both stood in front of the picture and he said:

d1-trc26d02p09

'Isn't it a heart that you have painted?'

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I was almost ashamed to confess it.

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'Yes,' I admitted, 'it is my heart that I left behind down there at FrauenklinikMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.".'

d1-trc26d02p12

ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 looked at me sadly and inquiringly.

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I took his hand:

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'You mustn't be angry, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, you still don't understand ...... You see, FrauenklinikMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.", it was my quiet, gentle, bright childhood home, that's why the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist is to have this picture ...... he won't be angry with me, nor will he laugh at it. He understands me ...... and I won't ask for anything but to see his smile when I give him the picture ...... I am so fond of you and I already dream about living with you ...... being with you somewhere in the south where there are warm, colourful flowers under a hot and burning sun. You must also have a garden and I already see it before me ...... but I also dream of another garden. In that garden there are white flowers and white birches ....... and there I walk, white and pure, under a pale and gentle sky ...... perhaps it is the Garden of Paradise ......'

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And I continued to speak to ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923:

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'Dear friend,' I said, 'to me life is still so new and so violent ...... I feel so weak in the face of all the strong feelings that are trembling in my heart ...... I have already understood a long time ago that a woman's life consists of longing and pain ...... And yet it is so wonderful to be alive!'

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'Poor, sweet LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931,' ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 whispered, 'and he cautiously took me in his arms, as if I were a little child.'

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Then he said:

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'Often I think that nature in a wonderful and mysterious whim has stored everything that is most feminine on earth in your little sensitive soul that is so much in need of protection. That's why I would so like to have you with me?'

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I looked at him silently, gave him both my hands and said:

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'Please travel with an easy mind, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923, and wait for me. But don't ask me anymore. I still only understand so little of everything that stirs inside me, and every day I discover something new and unknown.'

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Then I cried. We stood right in front of the picture with the heart. Perhaps a tear fell on the canvas.

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The next day I walked ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 to the railway.

Page 176

XXVII.

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The rain was falling from a leaden sky. White birches shone like silver against dark, wet pine woods. Blue-violet hills waved forth from the horizon.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 looked at her wristwatch, in a little less than an hour she would be in the beautiful city by the ElbeDresden (historical), city in Germany.

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She let herself be lulled by the soft, rocking rhythm. With eyes half-closed she sat in the corner by the window looking out over the familiar, dear landscape ......

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Now and then her heart beat so strongly that she had to press her hand firmly against her chest and a wave so hot that she felt her face glowing flowed through her blood.

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Then she sank back into the semi-conscious state of dreaming again wherein she – since boarding the train to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany at the Anhalter railway stationAnhalter Banhof (historical), the main train station in Berlin, no longer in existence in BerlinBerlin (historical), capital of Germany – had found herself. Deliberately she had taken the same train as the day when she, a little more than a year ago, had gone to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany for the first time to find shelter and protection at FrauenklinikMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.".

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It was no longer spring as it was then. It was almost summer, but over the glittering rainy day there was still something of the young, fresh spring mixed with the magic of the coming summer.

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She closed her eyes and sought to collect her thoughts.

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Like a fast and endless pilgrimage the past year passed through her memory. The first perilous year of her life where she walked like a sleepwalker along the edge of the abyss, and yet in a mysterious way it had always been as if a guardian angel accompanied her and watched over her.

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And again the vision appeared, the only memory from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter' time that was clearly visible in her memory: the white genius with the roaring wings who stood at the end of the narrow road across the abyss victoriously taking on death who was pursuing her.

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And the dream vision had features in common with her saviourProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist who had recreated her body and given her new youth. -@Editor: PLC Would he be satisfied with her? Had she proved herself worthy of everything that he had done for her?

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Not until this moment did she realise that he had placed her at a post that she did not dare to leave. She promised herself that none of what he had embedded in her would go to waste or lie fallow. Everything would be allowed to germinate and bear fruit. Everything, through her work, through her art – she knew that now – was only waiting to be quickened into a young and new life.

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What had happened to her so far, she had honestly confessed. Her confession was finished and lay as a bunch of closely written pages at home in CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark. One day her confessions – and she smiled at the thought – would be sent out among people ...... a confession from the first person who was not unconsciously born under a mother's labour pains but fully conscious through her own pains.

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She wanted to be a bridge builder ...... she thought of her friendGerman friend (fictional), modeled on Niels Hoyer, pseudonym of Ernst Harthern (1884–1969), editor of Man into Woman's words and she hoped that she had perhaps succeeded in building a small bridge over the abyss that otherwise divides man and woman.

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As in a distant dream she imagined the railway station of CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark and all the friends from the difficult but also joyful days, weeks and months she had spent in DenmarkDenmark is a Scandinavian country in northern Europe whose capital is Copenhagen..

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She also saw in her mind's eye her little studentRuth (fictional), modeled on Ruth Hanna Hathern-Thaning (1915-1993), daughter of Ernst Harthern. She had been her teacher. And through this she herself had learned and experienced that she too would be able to paint again, that she had to paint ...... that she was now strong enough to carry on the inheritance, the immortal inheritance, the artistic faculty, that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had bequeathed her.

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She smiled again when she thought about how RuthRuth (fictional), modeled on Ruth Hanna Hathern-Thaning (1915-1993), daughter of Ernst Harthern's dark girl's head stood against a bright background of southern palms standing upright against a blue spring sky ... ... these palms and this sky were a small corner of one of the pictures that her dead brother AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had left behind, and that were still in her possession. It dated from his last Italian summer that he had spent with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator and FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional), modeled on Fernando Porta (b. 1897), Gerda Wegener’s second husband ......

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"RuthRuth (fictional), modeled on Ruth Hanna Hathern-Thaning (1915-1993), daughter of Ernst Harthern," she had said to her little student, "that I have been able to guide
[Page 178]
your first steps on the path of art I owe to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter. That is why, on your first painting there must be something borrowed from one of his last pictures."

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 still sat with her eyes closed and smiled.

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Now the train slowed down and she opened her eyes and looked out of the window ...... Neustadt ...... Already ...... was it possible? ......

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With almost feverish haste she put on her coat. Now the train drove over the big railway bridge and there like a sudden vision lay the beautiful, beloved city by the ElbeDresden (historical), city in Germany ...... domes and towers were reflected in the wide river ...... her river.

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Her heart quivered, she felt dizzy, so that she had to cling to the window ...... But she clenched her teeth, no, don't cry now, don't cry ...... It was life and happiness that she was heading for ......

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Some minutes later she sat in the car that drove her out to FrauenklinikMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.". She clenched her little Spanish Madonna in her hand like a sacred thing when she humbly walked through the gate leading into the home of her heart ......

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Suddenly she hesitated ...... with wide open eyes she stared straight in front of her, and a question trembled in her. Why exactly have I come here? ...... What is it I want to ask him? ...... Then she was already standing in the park at Frauenklinik.

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It did not rain anymore ...... the light, bright foliage of the white birches quivered under the pale, humid sky ...... A couple of nurses dressed in white nodded to her. Young doctors in white coats walked with rapid steps through the paths between the green lawns. Young pregnant women walked between the trees. The blue crocuses – she thought exultantly.

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She stood still and looked at the young women, now she knew why she had come.

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A figure dressed in white stood in the door to the private clinic and with a cry of joy she flung herself into the maternal arms of the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female. One nurse after another came and greeted her with recognition.

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Everything was unchanged.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 took the MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female's hand:

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"Walk with me through the whole house ...... I so much want to see it all again."

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The MatronMatron (fictional), modeled on Margarete Leifert (possibly Seifert), who co-signed a letter (April 5, 1930) to the Ministry of Justice in Copenhagen conveying Lili’s request to change her name to Lili Elben and her sex to female fulfilled LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931's wish and they walked through the whole clinic.

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Then LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 sat down, a little tired, in one of the armchairs in the long corridor through the double doors of which a greenish light fell. Perhaps she would have to wait a long time. She did not mind. Like a child who has a wish she whispered to herself:

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"Wait a long time! Wait a long time! ......"

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She drank in the familiar smell of ether and of formaldehyde like a thirsty person ...... And all the familiar sounds from the corridors and the rooms wrapped themselves around her.

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She waited ...... a blissful silence fell over her thoughts. Finally the double doors were opened and the slim figure in the white coat and with the dark hair over the high brow came toward her.

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As in a dream she walked in front of the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist into his room.

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She listened again to the strange, blurred voice. She had quite forgotten why she had come ...... She had forgotten everything that she wanted to ask for ...... She could only say:

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"Yes, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist!"

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Suddenly Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist looked at her earnestly:

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"What do you want to ask me? ...... I can tell from your manner that there is something you want ...... By all means say it ......"

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His voice was full of kindness.

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LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 roused herself from her stupor. She suppressed the secret fear that rose in her and looking him calmly in the eyes she said:

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"Tell me, ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist, do you think that I am strong enough for the last operation now? I would so much like to be able to have a little child."

Page 180
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Fragments of letters from Lili Elbe to her German friendGerman friend (fictional), modeled on Niels Hoyer, pseudonym of Ernst Harthern (1884–1969), editor of Man into Woman in the time from June 14th to August 22nd 1931, sent from DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany.

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14 June.

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...... After a short examination Professor KreutzProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist decided to operate on me again. It will be the last time ...... The operation will probably take place on Tuesday, but promise me that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator will not be told about it ...... That would cast a shadow over her happiness ...... she would be worried about me and there is no reason for that at all ...... I am so happy to be in my home here at FrauenklinikMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." again ...... the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist has promised to read my confessions and help me adjust them if necessary ...... He too thinks that they should be sent out as a book.

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Otherwise I think that it is wonderful of him that instead of resting on his laurels he prefers to run the risk of operating on me one more time to make me completely well and able to have a husband and perhaps children and thus become very happy.

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That manProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist has made me love GermanyGermany is a western European country whose capital is Berlin. because he has made me see what greatness it can hold ......

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If it should go wrong – but I know that it will not – then you must know that I will die happy because I was allowed to stay until my last breath with him to whom I owe my life.

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I become more and more aware that it is my moral duty to make my confession public to teach people not to judge...... -@Editor: PLC

_____

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16 June.

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...... Now I am again as insignificant as I was last year .......

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I think I will be operated tomorrow. I am not afraid of the pain ...... I wish that I could stay here always ......
[Page 181]
I am sitting in the garden ...... now and then I am seized by an indefinable longing. Then I walk around among the birches in the park ...... What is there to be afraid of? ...... I know that everything will go well ....... of course I am not going to die ...... that would be a betrayal of life ...... Write to me ...... it comforts me. Perhaps the book will come out while I am in here.

_____

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10 July.

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...... I am so weak, so weak ......how is the book getting on?

_____

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18 July.

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Today it is a month ago since I was operated on ...... I am improving ...... and my thoughts are no longer concerned with death ...... Last night I dreamt that a friend took me in his arms and carried me far away and I was happy ....... I have been through so much, but I still feel so wonderful ...... Now I know that I am just like any other woman. -@Editor: PLC

_____

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7. August.

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...... Today I talked to the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist about my book ...... and I was pleased with what he said about it. Next week he is going on vacation.

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Imagine, I have not even been allowed to get up yet! ...... But now it cannot be long before I will be on my feet again.

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I think it has to say at the beginning of the book:

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"This book is about my life and my transformation, it is written by a person who is weak and powerless ......"

_____

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13. August

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...... The ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist has left ...... My condition brings me to despair. I do not think things are getting better at all ...... and there are moments when I am so tired that I almost wish to die ...... but I will not be allowed to do so for I know that the ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist will not have it.

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15. August.

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......I cannot write anything about my last operation – it was an abyss of suffering ...... It is a good thing that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator knew nothing ...... I am still so weak ...... but in September I will return to CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark ...... I have to get my papers in order for ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923's sake.

_____

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17 August.

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...... I will not entertain you about my suffering ...... but now it has been two months that the strict ProfessorProfessor Werner Kreutz (fictional), modelled on Kurt Warnekros (1882–1949), a German gynecologist has kept me in bed ...... It has been a terrible time and I have become so infinitely tired ...... I probably will not come to CopenhagenCopenhagen (historical), capital of Denmark before the end of September.

_____

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22 August.

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...... I am so tired, I am still tired, and I am still in bed ...... Almost every day I have flowers from GreteGrete Sparre (fictional), modeled on Gerda Wegener (1885-1940), an art deco painter and illustrator ...... she is happy. When I have the strength for it, I will write to her and tell her that I am improving ...... She wanted to come, but I won't have it ...... I am so alone ...... and I am so weak ...... so weak...... But when I am at my lowest, a letter comes from ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923 ...... he is waiting for me ...... dear, dear ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional), modeled on Claude Prévost, friend of Lili’s whom Gerda Wegener painted in 1923.

— — —

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Then it became quiet around Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931. She only wrote one more letter. It was in the beginning of September and it was to his sisterSister (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s sister, Christiane Thomsen (1881–1954):

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...... Now I know that death will come ...... I dreamed of motherMother (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s mother, Ane Marie Wegener (née Thomsen) last night ...... she took me in her arms and called me LiliLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 ..... and fatherFather (fictional), modeled on Einar Wegener’s father, Vilhelm Wegener was there too ......"

— — —

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On 12 September Lili's brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener was called to DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany by telegraph. She was then no longer able to speak. She could only whisper. But her eyes shone ......

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She had written that she wanted her last resting place to be in DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany, close to FrauenklinikMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948.".

Page 183
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She gave her brotherbrother (fictional), Andreas’s brother, modeled on Holger Wegener (b. 1880), brother of Einar Wegener her hand and she smiled at the nurse who faithfully sat beside her.

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"See you later! See you later, little Sister!" she whispered.

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Then she fell asleep and did not wake up anymore.

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Her records at FrauenklinikMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." show that she did not die of the operation but of an old kidney disease that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional), modeled on Einar Magnus Andreas Wegener (b. 1882), a Danish painter had suffered from for many years and which had now flared up again. The immediate cause of death was heart failure.

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On 15 September Lili ElbeLili Elbe (fictional and historical), legal name Lili Ilse Elvenes; born Einar Wegener (1882), died in Dresden, 1931 was buried at the cemetery near FrauenklinikMunicipal Women's Clinic (fictional and historical) is the Staatliche Frauenklinik in Dresden, directed by Professor Kurt Warnekros from 1925 to 1948." in DresdenDresden (historical), city in Germany. -@Editor: PLC